I Alone
by Monroe5
Summary: He was considered the weak link. She was the frail human. Neither quite fitting into the Cullen family. So when they are left behind what will happen?
1. Chapter 1

I own nothing.

Song that inspired this chapter – Nuno Bettercourt Severed

"How can any man be weak who dares to be at all?"

Henry David Thoreau

Chapter One - Severed

Alice had not seen any of this coming. How in the world had she missed something this life altering for all of us? It made me question every other time we had blindly taken her prophecy as divine will. What other mistakes had been made trusting our life to a future controlled by the unpredictable whims of others.

All of us had gotten too damn reliant on her ability. We deferred important decisions to her depending on her to guide us one way or another keeping us protected and secure. Her visions of the future had always been like the north of a compass directing us through the night. We had complete faith and trust in them often forgetting that the future was nothing if not changeable. That only if nothing was done to alter the course of events her prediction will come true.

More than anyone I alone relied on her to gauge my future. I had become totally depended on her deferring to her visions over trusting my own thoughts and feelings. Almost to the point that I had stopped making decisions and choices simply sitting back and waiting for her to come to me and tell me what it was that I was going to do.

Since the day that I had met her I had put my destiny in her hands believing that it was the right choice. How wrong I had been.

If for one minute I had listened to that little voice in my head that had told me I needed to hunt before Bella's party would I be standing here being assaulted by the hurt and disappointment from my family? I would never know for sure since I had stopped listening to anyone or anything other than Alice. So when she said nothing was going to happen and there was no need to hunt I took her word. I dressed in the clothes that she laid out for me to wear having been unable to dress myself correctly in over fifty years. Really if I could not be trusted to pick out a pair of pants and a shirt than how could I be trusted with the safety of someone that had come to mean so much to everyone in this family?

Yet they had all trusted me as we celebrated Bella's 18th birthday. Happiness and joy radiated off of everyone except for Rosalie and Edward. Rose was disguised that her family was fawning over a human like this. She was also quite jealous that she was not the center of attention. I expected to feel those emotions from her. They were not new or unfamiliar. She would never see what we all saw in Bella.

Edward's emotions were somewhat of a surprise to me. Of course there was the normal amount of fear and caution. He lived in a consist state of those two emotions since he had fallen in love with Bella. Like with Rosalie I had come to expect those emotions from him but I had also come to expect love. Tonight I did not feel that emotion from him. His guilt had taken the place of his love. Of course I still felt a degree of love from him but it was not nearly as strong as his guilt over something. My brain could only start to wonder what it was that he was feeling such guilt over before it all happened.

A paper cut. That was all it took to send me into bloodlust. Every rational thought evaporated from my mind as I hauled myself towards her. She was no longer my brother's love, my wife's best friend, no longer Bella. For me she had become nothing more than my prey.

The monster in me that had been beaten down and caged had finally broken the chains to freedom. He was enraged and hell bent on tasting the sweet nectar that he had been long denied. If any part of me that was Jasper remained in that moment I would have fought to contain him once again but I no longer existed. Only the predator, the vampire, the monster that took what he wanted without thought or remorse remained in the shell that had once housed my soul.

Edward ran full force into me knocking me back. Instantly I was locked in the arms of another trying to stop me from having what was mine. Still I did not stop struggling and snapping desperate to taste the only thing that would sedate the burning fire of venom pooling in my mouth.

I was finally pulled outside but not let go. I would not be allowed tonight or ever again to be near Bella. I could not blame them for that. I was a monster. I was a vile monster. It had nothing to do with being a vampire as I would like to tell myself. All the rest of my vampire family had been right there with me and I was the only one who tried to drain Bella. Hell Carlisle was in there now bandaging up her wounds as if her blood was nothing more than water. No I alone was a monster. I should be put down like a rabid dog for my own sake as well as everyone else's.

"How could you?" Alice demanded seething with anger. All I could do was hang my head in disgrace unable to look into her dark eyes.

"Dude… I mean you tried to eat my little sis," Emmett reminded me as if I had forgotten.

"Jasper…" I heard coming from Esme. My adoptive mother I knew could never hate me nor truly be angry with me but that did not stop her other emotions. Her love for her son was being overshadowed by worry and sorrow. There was also disappointment mixed in there.

Rosalie said nothing but she did not have to say anything for me to know what she was feeling. She was happy. That bitch was actually happy. I knew she did not like Bella but to feel joy over her near death was sick.

Just when I thought that I could not handle feeling anything else I was hit by the most intense wave of anger. I did not need to turn to know that Edward now stood there glaring at me.

"I'm sorry," I whispered in my mind this apology meant alone for my brother. In time I would request forgiveness from each and every one of my family, including Bella.

The second I thought that I was hurled across the forest into a tree. The tree cracked as if it was just a twig under my foot. As did the next one that I was picked up and slammed into. I did not fight back. I let him take his pain and angry out on me. I deserved it. I deserved more than this. He had every right to slowly rip every one of limbs off and set me on fight dancing gleefully around my fiery grave.

"Stay away from her," he hissed venom spraying from his mouth coating my face in it as he continued his verbal assault; "You are a pathetic and weak. You lost all control over one single drop of blood. How could you? Could you not have enough restraint and discipline to curb your bloodlust for one night? Do we have to forever be monitoring your weakness? Making sure that Jasper is not going to go off the handle and kill another defenseless human? I for one am tired of babysitting you."

"Edward…enough. It is not his fault," I heard scream through the somber night. He dropped me instantly and ran over to her surely to protect her from me once again because now every one knew I could not be trusted.

Sitting there I dared to look up knowing from the emotions I felt what I would see…disappointment and anger emitted from my family through glaring eyes. One by one I glanced up and into their eyes seeing for the first time that he was right. Every hate filled word meant to slay me was not just what he felt but in whole felt by my family. From my loving mother to my ever forgiving father right on to my wife they were all disguised by me. Sickened by my lack of control. I was the outsider staring into their circle.

Unable to take all the emotions being hurled at me combined by my own I got up to run. No one tried to stop me in fact I felt the relief spread out as I disappeared deeper into the forest.

My dead heart leaped and my black soul soared as my senses picked up the emotions I had longed to feeling coming from anyone of them…concern and forgiveness. I searched for who the emotions came from looking first to my wife only to be crushed all over again when I felt nothing there. I could not let myself wallow in my own pain and betrayal for long as I realized who had been emitting those emotions towards me…Bella.

I stayed away for three long days and nights gorging myself on every four legged creature that unwittingly came across my path determined to sedate the hunger ripping me apart from the inside out fighting for dominates. My greatest fear like that of my family's was I would never be able to control my bloodlust.

I had become weak. I hated that about myself. I had never been weak before in my life. In my human life I had been confident and commanding in total control. That was what had drawn Maria to me in the first place. She saw the power I could hold over people long before I acquired my talent to tweak people's emotions. Once I became a vampire I had lead, fought, and defeated an army of vampires always in control. Now I had none. The blood of one small girl had brought me to my knees as if I was nothing more than a newborn.

Bella…if there was one human that was a match for a vampire it was her. Never had I known one like her. Not that I had known many humans. Normal, sensible human tended to stay as far away from us as possible. That made life so much easier for me but God Bella was always there now it seemed pushing my will, my crumbling control to the edge of no return.

I had to return though. It was time to go back to my family and beg and plead for forgiveness that I knew I did not deserve. As hard as it would be for me I would go back and take responsibility for the crime that I would have committed if not stopped. I would bear the unset of all the heightened emotions all centered on their disappointment, disillusionment, and dissatisfaction in me.

As I walked into the eerie silent house I knew instantly something was not right. My first thought was that no one was home but that thought was proven wrong as I found them all seated around the table. This could only mean two things, Alice had seen when I would return and they were waiting for me to have a family decision. Though I doubted there would be anything more than them telling me how worthless I was and I would sit and absorb all of it a small price to pay.

"Jasper…" Carlisle spoke his voice strong always in control. Aside from Alice his disenchantment in me hurt the most. Besides for the fact that he had taken me into his family calling me his son I looked up to him. He was everything I strived to be but mostly he was always in control. If one day I ended up half the person he was I would consider my existence worthy. I nodded and sat in my normal spot next to Alice. I waited for her to reach out in some small way to touch me, soothe me as she always had before yet she remained stiffly frozen in her chair unable to even look at me. I focused all my attention on her trying to gauge her current emotions.

In that moment I noticed that I felt nothing. Not just from her but absent were any emotions except for mine which were chaotic. I searched but I found not the slightest hint of anger or disappoint. I also did not find any love or concern either.

"Why are you all controlling you emotions?" I demanded.

"We don't want to overwhelm you," Esme explained to me but I did not quite believe her which scared me. I had never known her to lie. It meant that this was all worse than I could imagine.

"Can we get on with this?" Rosalie demanded her anger and annoyance slipping through if only for a second before it was once again masked behind her golden eyes.

"Much has happened since you have been gone. Edward has come to the difficult decision to end things with Bella. To make that easier on her and us he has requested that we relocate immediately. The sooner that we are gone from her life the quicker she will be able to move on with hers," Carlisle told him of course the one to deliver the news.

"What?" I asked unable to believe what I was hearing. It made no sense at all. There was no way that Edward would ever leave Bella. She was his mate, his reason to smile. I had felt his feelings for her and knew that he would never leave her willing.

"It was a family vote and we agree. We have to support Edward at this most challenging time in his life."

"How could it have been a family vote if I was not here? I know what I did was inexcusable but does that mean I lost the right to be apart of this family?" I demanded wishing that for one moment I had Edward's ability and could read all their minds. There was so much that they were not telling me that I deserved to know.

"Jasper…" Alice whispered finally acknowledging that I was even there. I stared at her trying once again to read her emotions. All I was getting was resolve. Whatever was happening she was resolved to it happening.

"You will always be apart of this family, no matter what but we have also voted and agreed that it was in the best interest of everyone if you take some time away from us," Carlisle again spoke.

I needed to take some time away from the family. That was code for I was being kicked out of the family. They might as well have said, 'It's not you, it's me.'

"Was it unanimous?"

"Yes," Edward told me taking great pleasure in telling me this.

Nothing else left to say or question I sprinted up the stairs and into the room that I had shared with Alice. No… that Alice had allowed me to exist in. Everything in there was hers. It was full of designer clothes that still had the tags on them make-up, shoes, purses, etc…our room nothing more than her oversized closet. Now it was empty. Everything already packed and gone on there way to wherever they planned on starting over minus me. The few things that meant anything to me as well as my clothes were already packed in boxes sitting in the middle of the room.

Guilt and resolve hit me as Alice walked into the room. She lingered in the door unwilling to be too close to me as if she feared I would snap at her too. The thought had crossed my mind.

"It is for the best. I have seen it."

"Isn't that convenient for you to hide behind? Alice had a vision so that makes everything that follows perfectly expectable. Well it isn't. You seem to forget that the future is based on what people decide to do. You have decided to abandon me," I explained to her throwing her damn visions right back in her face.

"I have always known that we would end. From that first day in that diner I knew that you would not be mine to hold onto forever. I have tried to take care of you as best I could. Whether you want to admit it or not we both have felt the decline of our relationship. We have grown apart our futures heading in different directions. You may be able to manipulate and control everyone else's emotions but in the end there is no hiding from your own. Be safe, be happy," she solemnly told me not a hint of her normal energetic nature visible. There was a slight comfort in that fact my damaged soul grasping for straws.

I did not bother to look up as I heard the slamming doors and skidding of tires over gravel as my family escaped in their varies cars. They couldn't leave behind their precious Volvo or Porsche but they had no problem tossing me away like I was nothing. Because I was nothing to them. In the end I was nothing more than a liability to the coven that the Cullen's had formed. The weak link had been severed.


	2. Chapter 2

I own nothing… I'm just borrowing it.

A/N Thanks to everyone that has read and reviewed. This is new to me and all your comments mean lots to me.

I have always been regretting that I was not as wise as the day I was born - Henry David Thoreau

Song that inspired me through this chapter - Shinedown Second Chance

Chapter Two - Breakdown

I ceased to exist unable to sustain life once my sun had been removed. Only darkness and emptiness surrounded me. I did not care I had no will to survive. Why would I when my only reason for life was gone. He had not even been taken away from me in some tragic manor. No he had willing walked away from me no longer in love. I had been nothing more to him than a play thing. I had just been something to distract him for a small amount of time in his endless existence.

I thought back to all those heated arguments over not turning me because he would not condemn me to an eternity without a soul. I now understood that had just been an excuse. He simply could not imagine being chained to me for the next few hundred years. How could I be so naive? No the question was how I had been so stupid to think that a human having a relationship with a vampire was possible. Especially a human like me.

Silly little human I could imagine them saying. "Did she not notice the lion had turned vegetarian to keep himself from the displeasure of eating the pathetic lamb? Did she think she really mattered to us? She was entertaining though."

As I had been planning my future with him with him and my new family they were busy patronizing me. Alice and her "I've seen you like us" line of bull crap. She had been the sister I never had and best friend all in one. Even with her one track mind centered on shopping and more shopping I endured endless trips because I loved her and wanted to make her happy. I thought that she felt the same way but she had disappeared into the night never even saying good-bye to me. Like her brother she had seen me as nothing more than a play thing. A life size Barbie to play dress up with. She had moved on when she became bored disregarding me like some old broken toy.

I liked to think that Carlisle and Esme's affection towards me was real yet I could not in light of past events. I now saw that like any good parents they had wanted to see their children happy and when I was achieving that goal I was welcomed into the family with open arms. When I ceased to be important to one I ceased to matter to all.

At least Rosalie had never pretended to have any real feelings for me other than distain. I respected her for not playing unfair games with my emotions and feelings like the rest of her family.

"We're very easily distracted…" that was what he had told me. I had been nothing more than a distraction. I knew that so why could I not let it go.

There was a small part of my brain that whispered get out of bed and move on with your life. You always knew you were not good enough for someone like him so why are you surprised that he left you? He had given you a clean start wiping away every idem that held any tie to him. If only he could have wiped my memory. That was the one thing I could not hide or throw away.

It was more than simply the memories. He seemed to be haunting me. It started the day he left me alone broken in the woods. I had blindly tripped through the dark forest searching for him until my legs could not support me any longer. Lying in the damp leaves and dirt my mind snapped unable to comprehend he was really gone. It was in that moment that I heard his velvet voice urging me to get up and go home. Reminding me that I had promised to be safe.

What was the point of being safe now? What was it that I had to live for? I had fought demented vampires when it meant returning to him but now there was no reason to lift my head from my bed.

Even from the confides of my room and then school the only place that I ventured out to I knew that it was only a matter of time before the universe righted the wrong made months ago when he had stopped the truck from crushing my weak human body. That was the only thought that gave me solace. That my accident prone, danger magnet self would find the peace that I longed for.

I had known from the moment that I met him that death was the only thing that would bring contentment to my soul. I had always just thought it would be the death of my frail breakable human body. Now I knew my death in every manor of the word was what I was waiting for. A quiet peace from the life that I never truly fit into. I did not belong human or vampire.

"Bella we have to talk. I can't take this anymore. I can not sit back and watch you like this. I've talked to your mother and we agreed getting you out of here and back with her is the best," Charlie stated one morning before work awaking me from my thoughts.

"What are you talking about? I don't want to leave. I want to live here. Don't you want me anymore?" I questioned of him not able to take another rejection. My own father already had enough of me.

"Of course I want you here but you are not really here. And you only want to stay with me because you could not get away with your mother what you do with me. I understand that you are hurting but it has been weeks now and you are only sinking deeper into a black hole," my normally unobtrusive father told me.

"Please dad I'll try harder. I'll do better. Just please let me stay. I promise I can be the daughter you want," I pleaded with him my fragile mind unable to take another blow.

"You already are the daughter I want. All I want from you is for you to be happy. I know a broken heart can feel like a fate worse than death but it will get better. You have to want it to get better though," Charlie explained to me but all he had done was show me first hand that you can go on living, breathing, being every day but no matter what you show the outside world the pain and loneness never leaves the inside.

"I want it and I promise to try," I told him because I would if for no other reason than I did not want Charlie to have to suffer anymore because of me.

Whether he believed me or not I don't know but he nodded his head and excused himself. I knew it had not been easy for him to confront me and I would make sure he never had to again.

I had been told that I was not a good actress but my skills improved over the next weeks. I became a walking talking picture perfect Bella. That was only when someone was watching. When I was alone I became me again.

Dark thoughts took over my mind. I could only think about death. At first I silently waited for my original fate to take me but like everything else in my life when I wanted it to happen it did not. So I started to quietly plan out my own death.

My first attempt was in the bathtub. I filled it with cold water stepping in fully clothed letting the coldness evoke old memories of another time. There was comfort in the icy depth of my tub as I closed my eyes and let myself slip slowly under the water not feeling the cold but only an old familiar set of arms encircling my body. I held my breath until there was no air left in my lungs listening to my favorite lullaby drifting me closer and closer towards the darkness. Then suddenly it was all gone as the burning need for oxygen drove me up out of the water. I was sickened by my lack of discipline unable to bear a few moments of discomfort. Defeated my only hope was that my time in the icy tub I caught pneumonia.

The next attempt was one night when Charlie was working late. I had went to sleep early hoping to escape the constant memories that were tightening down on my heart threaten to burst it. In sleep I found no reprieve. I was haunted by the ghost of my past. It was not the first time I had this nightmare. It had become a permanent companion. If only my sick mind would have picked another memory of him to haunt me I would have gladly slept forever but no I was forced to relive the worst event of my life.

It was always the same. We were in the woods and he was telling me how he did not want me. That he was leaving me. That the others were already gone. He made me promise to be safe assuring me that I would forget he ever existed soon enough. Then he is gone.

I was left watching the girl in the woods as if it was not me. My heart broke for her as she called out his name franticly searching deeper and deeper into the forest. I could feel her pain. The desperation in her as if she knew if she did not find him all would be lost. I wanted to go to her and comfort her in some way. Tell her that it would all be okay but I already knew that it would not. I could not give her false hope. Then I watch her crumb defeated to the ground. She has realized that he is really gone. That no matter how long she looks she will never find him because he does not want to be found. He does not love her. He never loved her. He is never coming back.

That was the moment I work up in a cold sweat the last thought of the nightmare still circling around in my mind.

I try to push it aside but it had taken roots determined to grow and live in my mind. I have to quiet the voice in my head. I ran to the bathroom and pull out several bottles of pills each from another 'Bella moment' were I had hurt myself bad enough that I required medical attention. Four all most full bottles of pain medicine stare back at me. I take the caps off each one of them. I can hear his voice in my mind telling me not to do it. He reminds me I promised. I remind him that he made a few of his own that he never kept too. As we are having this conversation in my mind the sane part of me realizes that I have completely lost it. That I'm not really talking to him, that he is not real. The insane part of me does not care.

It will be as if he never existed I repeat in my mind as I empty the first bottle out into my hand. They are small and white. I think I can swallow all of them in one drink. I was wrong it takes two. I expect something to happen instantly but nothing does as I pick up the second bottle. Then I hear his voice again screaming at me to stop. I don't listen until he says "What about Charlie?"

Oh Charlie my sweet father. What it would do to him to come home and find his daughter dead. The shame he would suffer that I had taken my own life. With no note explaining that this was not his fault he would be left to wonder why and if he was to blame. I could write a note. Explain it was never him. That I had tried to move on but the pain was too much. I could tell him that he had been a great father and I wished we had more time.

No that would only hurt him more. No I could not hurt him in this way. It was not fair to cause such heartache to my parents just so that my own would stop. So I run to the bathroom and stuck my fingers down my throat making myself throw up over and over. I then flushing the rest of the pills all down the toilet afraid of another weak moment.

After that night I stop planning my own death. The guilt stopped me. I could not cause others pain just to rid myself of it. I would just silently suffer until death found me on its own. I knew it would hurt my parents still but they would be able to move on from me dying at the hands of another. So I started walking deeper into the woods that Charlie warned me to stay out of.

Charlie knows the forest is not safe and so do I for reasons he would never know. I counted on the dangerous things hiding in the forest to find me. I go searching for the creatures that could not resist my blood counting on them to end it all for me.

I was not disappointed. One day deep in the woods I felt him before I saw him. Vampire. It was the only thought I was able to form before I was sent flying to the ground. Looking up I see the blackness of his eyes. His hunger is clear. He wants my blood and I will willingly give it to him. Staring up at him I smile as his blond hair falls around his face like a halo around an angel. Yet he is no angel. I know this first hand. How fitting it would be him.

"Hello Jasper. Nice to see you. You look very hungry. I bet I smell good enough to eat. Would you like to have a taste? It is okay. I want you to," I whispered closing my eyes as I feet him bend in his razor sharp teeth at my neck. Finally at peace my last thought was…this was how it was always meant to happen.


	3. Chapter 3

I own nothing.

Things do not change; we change - Henry David Thoreau

Song inspiring this chapter Green Day - 21 Guns

Chapter Three – Acceptance

My unnecessary breathing hissed in and out taking in her sweet smell causing my mouth to pool with venom. Every instinct in me beckoned to sink my teeth into her pulsing vein beating under beneath me. I would have done it too if I had not felt her mood suddenly shift. There was not fear, no terror. Instead I felt happiness. I was so taken back by that emotion that I froze stilling the monster for a moment allowing Jasper to return.

"Hello Jasper. Nice to see you. You look very hungry. I bet I smell good enough to eat. Would you like to have a taste? It is okay. I want you to," she sweetly smiled up at me taking me further by surprise.

As much as I wanted her blood her strange reaction to me was bewildering to me. I wanted to know what her malfunction was. What had happened to her? Had she flipped her lid suffering a complete breakdown? She must have there was no other reason to explain.

Then again we were talking about Bella here. She had never been like any of the other humans. Humans unconsciously knew that there was something dark and dangerous about us and had the good sense to stay away. Bella never seemed to have any of that sense.

I accredited it to the love shared between her and Edward. Never was it truer that love could make anything possible. She had been willing to give up her very soul to spend the rest of her existence with him. Not having been given the choice I did not know if I would have willing made the same choice especially considering what I knew now.

That was before when Edward was still around before he had left her alone just the way he and the others had left me.

I still could not believe they had left me. After the first initial shock I had thought maybe it was all just some punishment for what happened at the birthday party. I kept thinking once they believed I had suffered enough they would be back or at least call me to come home to wherever home was now. Yet my cell phone had never ringed once in the months they had been gone. Not even a single text message from Alice to see if I was okay. Then again dear old Alice just had to peer into her little head to see what I was doing or would do.

Would she have seen this coming? Was Edward racing here now to once again save Bella from me? If so would he arrive in time to stop what was bound to happen? Something in me told me there would be no saving either of us tonight.

"Jasper, what are you waiting for? Please. Take what you want and give me what I want. You don't have to fight it any longer. You don't have to deny yourself the one thing you desire more than anything else in this world. Don't let me down. I'm counting on you Jasper."

How was I to deny her what she clearly wanted? What she was almost begging me for. The answer was I could not. No matter her mood or her reasons for being in places she knew better to be I could no more deny her request than I could my desire.

As I lowered my mouth to her neck her pulse was pumping a little faster than normal but nothing like it should be. Her heart should be thumping wildly out of her chest from fear. Yet it was quite calm if this was nothing out of the ordinary. Her emotions were still an oddity too. Happiness, relief with not even a hint of fear or reservation. What ever her reason she wanted this.

It was too bad I would never get to ask her what that reason was.

She was so warm and fragrant. I could not help myself from nuzzling into her hair that fanned over her neck. Second to her blood it was the sweetest smell I had smelled in a very long time. A mixture of strawberries, freesia, and Bella's own unique scent was nearly intoxicating. I felt drunk on her.

If she smelled this good I could not wait to taste her. This was going to be such a treat I thought swallowing a large pool of venom.

Her skin held no resistance under the steel of my teeth. The smallest of pressure caused it to tear as if it was made of nothing more than rice paper. I could not help but think to all those times Edward had warned us how breakable she was.

Yet as breakable as her body was there was a strength inside her that reviled anything I had ever seen. Her power to love with passion and abandonment, her ability to forgive fierce and instant. She held nothing back and gave everything. She did nothing half way. Yes Bella Swan was a force to be reckoned with. A wonderful, surprising force that swept over you like a crazy summer storm.

And I was about to take that all away just because I could, because I wanted to, because I could not control my desire for her blood. Blood that had started to ooze ever so slightly from the nick of my teeth.

I had not been breathing or I do not know if I would still be sitting there thinking about drinking every last drop of warm sweet blood. I would have already drained her and be on to the part where I was cleaning up my mess.

There would be the business of disposing of the body. Either making sure no one ever found it or setting it up as an unfortunate animal attack. I had smell bear in the area so that would work. Bears did not tend to leave much but enough to identify. That would give some closure to Chief Swan but it would also leave it open for questions. There was always the chance that some how the Cullen's could get involved. They would know that it was no bear that killed her.

I could not chance that. So Bella would have to disappear forever.

What was I waiting for? I asked myself staring down at her pale neck the dark red blood slowly sliding down starting to fall into her chestnut hair.

What a waste. I was sitting here wasting a perfectly good meal because I was feeling guilty. This was stupid. What did I have to feel guilt about? She had asked me to. She had said she was counting on me. How could I let her down? It would just be rude.

Man up, Whitlock.

I swallowed another pool of venom and took a deep breath. The smell of her tantalizing blood assaulted me nearly knocking me back. Re-steadying myself I returned to the warmth of her neck breathing in her smell until there was nothing else but us. I felt myself slightly start to shake.

I felt like a fucking alcoholic staring into an open bottle contemplating falling of the wagon.

My name is Jasper and I am a vampire. It has been ten years three months one week four days six hours twenty minutes and eight seconds since I drank a human.

It would not be the end of the world. I had clearly fallen off the wagon before and always managed to get back on. Well not without help. Alice had always been there to kick my ass until I was back on the right track. Now there was no Alice to lead me back to the path of righteousness.

I was starting to think it was not the path I belonged on. I was not cut out for the Cullen's life style. I was the worst kind of monster. I had done more harm and damage than ten vampires. A leopard could not change his spots and this vampire could not change its diet.

I was done fighting my true nature.

I dared a single taste sweeping the tip of my tongue over the blood that lay across her neck. It was like a flavored explosion. Even though it had cooled it was the single best taste that had passed my lips in way too long. What had I been thinking denying myself? I deserved this. I could not wait to taste it warm and flowing out of her filling me until I was no longer cold. Until I no longer felt the crippling thirst. Until I was full and she was empty.

"Jasper…"

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?"

"I'm sorry about the guilt I am going to cause you over this. Please don't blame yourself. Please tell them it was my idea. That this was what I wanted. I could not go on any longer without him. He was my life, my reason to breath, to exist and when he left me I stopped. I died long before tonight you are just cleaning up the mess. You don't deserve this but I'm selfish enough to be glad that it is you. At least you get a free meal out of the deal," she smiled a sad little smile up at me her chocolate eyes staring into me far too old for her age.

My dead heart broke for her. She did not deserve this. She did not deserve what he did, what we all did to her. He had said it was to give her a chance at a normal life…hell if this was what normal looked like I was never going to wish to be normal again. We had broken her so bad that all she longed for was death. It was no better than if we had slowly feed off of her taking drop by drop until there was nothing left.

I wanted to kill Edward for what he had done but he was only part of the blame. We had all told her she was our family. We had claimed her as one of our own and then we just left her without even a good-bye like she was nothing. I myself had fucking told her she was worth it. I might not have left her but I might as well have. Not once in all this time before tonight had I let her know that she was not alone. I had been too busy consumed by being abandoned myself. Too consumed to care that I had not been the only one.

I worst than them. I had been here all a long letting her think she was alone. I could have let her know that she did matter. I could have explained to her what had happened. I could have made her understand. I could have made a difference. I could still make a difference. It was not too late.

"Bella?"

"Yes Jasper?"

"Will you forgive me?"

"Always."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"Alright…Please forgive for what I'm about to do," I whispered into her ear as her blood coated my lips.


	4. Chapter 4

Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts – Arnold Bennett

Song for this chapter - Leave out all the Rest - Linkin Park

Chapter Four - Changes

What had I done? What the fuck had I done?

That had been the single thought circulating through my warped mind for the last three endless days as I sat vigil over Bella watching her whither quietly in agony as her body burned and slowly die.

I still could not believe what I had done.

It had been a split decision to change her. The second before that I had decided to let her go sending her back to her life with a warning to be careful what she asked for. All the moments before that I had been planning the clean up from drinking her.

All I can say is that in that last moment something snapped in my brain. All other options ceased to exist and there was no other decision to make.

I had my reasons for why I decided at the last moment that changing her was the best decision. My reasons solidly planted in my mind but now that the deed was done I was questioning my first real decision in decades.

How could any reason justify damning her to this life? It had been one thing when it had been her decision. When it was what she wanted. When she had a mate waiting for her to spend the rest of forever with. Now what was awaiting her? Only me and my self serving reasons.

She had said she would always forgive me. I was not sure what I had done fell under the category as a forgivable action though even for someone like Bella.

God Bella. I could not believe that after everything that I had been the one to change her. That everything Edward had done to keep her human had been in vain. Never bet against Alice. She had said she always saw Bella like one of us. I wondered if she had seen that in the end it would be me to do it. I doubted it very much. I think it was one of those things you call fate. No matter what you do to change or alter the course of events the outcome remains the same. Bella was meant to be one of us.

Well that was what I was telling myself to help ease the guilt I felt over taking her human life. I don't know if I would be feeling this much guilt if I had just drank her blood. At least I would not have to face her and explain why I had done what I did.

I was going to have to face it sooner rather than later. Her muffled moaning woke me from my lonely self loathing thoughts. It would happen soon. Her heart was barely beating. A few more shallow thuds and her transformation would be complete and I would never be tempted by her blood again.

The instance my lips touched her neck her blood beckoned me to suck her dry. I gave in momentarily and let the warm wet liquid slid down my throat. It took everything in me as I fought the urge focusing on biting and injecting my venom into her. Once I finally finished the task my mind went straight to my military training forming a solid tactical plan. First I had to get her back to the house before she became uncontrollable slipping completely into her change.

She thrashed wildly in my arms as I fled the few miles back to The Cullen's. I almost dropped her at one point when I was overcome not only by her jerky movements but by the overwhelming pain radiating off her. Relief flooded me when I finally made it back rushing up to the third floor room that I had been existing in.

It had been 'the guest room' when we all lived there. It seemed fitting that I stayed there having realized that was all I ever really was to them 'a guest.' All the other rooms had belonged to someone and I did not want to be reminded of them.

I had no bed to place her on so I laid in the center of the room. Her clothes were covered in dirty and died blood. I had no choice but remove them. Besides I would need them to help stage her death. I was still working that all out. I was leaning towards a bear attack. I had smelled one in the area.

I tried to change her as quickly as I could and without looking. I could not help but notice her body was scattered in scars. I would have to ask her how she received all them one day. And one day I would have to tell her how I obtained mine. I had a feeling neither of us would enjoy the memories.

Then I spent the last three days watching over her death bed. I tried to soothe her sending all the calming power I had into her. I had no way of knowing if it was doing any good yet she was unusually calm through most of it. I did not know if that was because of my power or if it had to do with her nature to hide her pain from others.

Her transformation was slow as if she was struggling to hold on to her old self. I had only just recently begun to see the changes to her body. Her hair thickening and lengthening. The color now a shade richer. Her naturally pale skin now the same milky ness as my own. Her body had lost all the softness now nothing but tone muscles and hard angles. Her face retained all its features only thinning out slightly. She was still Bella just a new improved version that was unbreakable.

Though I had more than my share of experience with newborns that experience was limited to training them to fight in a vampire war. I had none when it came to teaching her how to be a vegetarian vampire. Hell I was still struggling with it. I was the last person that should be responsible for Bella.

She needed Carlisle. He had successful turned Edward, Esme, Rosalie, and Emmett. Most important he had the faith and fortitude it took to instill that Bella would make it through this difficult transition strong in her dedication to this life style.

Honestly I needed Carlisle too. I needed his strength and vision. He seemed to never falter in his commitment to the life that he had craved out for himself and his adoptive family.

As much as I hated to admit it I needed all of my family. I did not want to acknowledge that especially consider they had abandoned me like a disobedient dog that had peed on the rug one too many times.

But they did not want or need either of us. That was made painfully evident when we were both left behind to wallow in our worthlessness. No Bella and I were on our own. Whatever happened from this moment on we were alone. Maybe not alone…we would have each other. That was if she wanted anything to do with me after what I had done to her.

Her heart beat once, twice, and then it stopped. That was it. Bella Swan was no more. I had done as she asked. I had taken her life. Just not in the way that she had assumed.

Her eyes started to flicker and I knew she was about to wake up. I could not help but be apprehensive of what came next for both of us.


	5. Chapter 5

I Own Nothing.

For death is no more than turning of us over from time to eternity - William Penn

Song for this chapter - Last Tears by Indigo Girls

Chapter Five - Waking up

I'm not sure what I expected the afterlife to be like. I guess I had never thought about it much. Well that was not completely true. I had thought endless about dying but only in a temporary sense of the word. I had been more than ready to say farewell to my human life so that I could begin my new life as a vampire but that was before when I had a reason to want to live forever. Once I lost that reason I lost all desire to remain in the world.

I won't say we were religious. We never went to church. Never spoke of God and heaven. There was that brief period when Renee was all about finding a higher power. She tried them all Christianity, Buddhism, even Kabbalah but in the end like everything else that she took an interest in it ended as quickly as if began. And Charlie well he was not really the type either. So my experience with this type of stuff was limited.

I was still not sure what this was. Heaven maybe? Possible hell? Or something entirely different. I could not see. My eyes felt glued shut and no matter what I did they would not open. It was okay because I was not sure I was ready to see where I was spending eternity. So I had no idea what death looked like. All I knew so far was death was peaceful. I knew how it felt. In the first few minutes it had been painfully. I assumed it was do to means by which I died. Having a vampire drain your body of all its blood couldn't feel good. At least it had been quick and then it was quiet and calm. I felt at peace which was all you can ask for I guess. I knew how it smelled too. It smelled earthy yet sweet. Like I was sitting in a grove of apples the fall leaves drifting down around me as a cool breeze brushed over me.

It was all the things I felt right before I died. I wondered if that was how it was. If you are stuck in the last moment before it all ends? If that was the case at least I had been wrapped in the arms of Jasper.

Oh poor Jasper. I had left him holding the bag. I hope he could forgive me for putting him in such an impossible position. Not only had I left him to clean up my body which I was curious to how he was going to handle that. My only hope is the he did it in a way that gives Charlie and Renee closure.

It was not going to be easy for Charlie. He will blame himself I know this. I wish I could be there to tell him that there was nothing he would have done to change the outcome of my life. It had always been in the cards for me to die young. Between my perpetual ability to injury myself, find trouble, and hanging out with vampires I was lucky I made it this long.

Renee she would be sad but she would move on. It was not her nature to dwell on the bad. She would simply not think about it. Plus she had already moved on with her life with Phil. It had been awhile since I lived with her. So it was almost like I hadn't been there anyways. I had no doubt she would be fine.

I wonder if anyone else would miss me now that I was gone. When I meant anyone I was talking about The Cullen's. Alice might have already seen all this. I did not think for one minute that she had been looking into my future but Jasper was a different story.

Well since no one had showed up to stop him it only meant what I already knew…I did not matter. Why had I not seen that from the beginning? Oh probably because vampires were so damn good at dazzling mere humans. Stupid human that was all I was.

"Bella?"

I heard my name spoken ever so softly somewhere above me. The voice sounded faintly familiar but I could not quite place it. Possibly a relative that had past. Yet there really hadn't been many. I told myself to open my eyes to find out but I was still not ready to face this after life.

"Are you an angel?" I asked wanting to know who I was dealing with. His voice sure sounded like that of an angel. It had a musical tone that reminded me of someone how had been anything but an angel according to him.

"No… I'm not an angel," he told me with a little snicker.

"Are you something else?" I dared to ask. What else there was I was not sure but I knew better than most that there was a lot of other things out there that people did not know about.

"Such as?"

"I don't know. I guess it would help if I knew if you were good or bad."

"There is nothing good about me," he told me the edge to his voice more pronounced. If he was bad then I must not be in heaven which could only mean…neither was I.

"Bella it is time to open your eyes."

"No I don't think so," I told him wishing that he would just go away and let me have my peace. There had been so little peace in my life. I just wanted to hold onto it a little longer. I thought there would be some peace in death but I guess I had been wrong. Not the first time I had been wrong.

"You can not hide forever. Sooner or later you are going to have to open your eyes and face this." He was getting irritated. I did not want to piss him off especially not knowing exactly what he was and what he could do to me.

"I don't plan on hiding forever. I'm just not ready to face whatever this is."

"What do you think this is?"

"Well I thought that it was like heaven or wherever you go after you die. I was expecting bright lights, angels, fluffy white clouds, and all that. But you said you are neither an angel or good so that means that I am someplace out. That means that I must have landed in well…you know Hell. And if that is the case then I really don't want to open my eyes."

"Bella you are neither in heaven or hell. Do you not remember who I am?" he asked his voice once again so familiar to me, "Just open your eyes and look at me. Once you do everything will make sense."

I struggled with my heavy lids that felt super-glued. I wondered if my brain was trying to protect me from what was awaiting for me. I knew I knew who was awaiting me and I knew that I was not afraid of him in anyway. There was not weird vibes or little voices warning me he was not safe.

Finally I pried my eyes open only to have them assaulted by everything. It was if the world had been placed under a magnifying glass. I could see every single detail. And I could hear every whisper. I wanted to plug my ears to block out all the noise.

"Bella…Do you know who I am Bella?"

"Of course I know who you are Jasper. What is going on? Why am I here and why is everything so strange?" I demanded my brain racing through a thousand different thoughts all at once. All I could come up with was in the end someone had showed up. Jasper must not have made it and we were now stuck together in the same place.

"I know that it is a lot to take in but you will quickly adjust. As for being here I had to take you somewhere seclude. No one knows I'm here."

"I don't understand what is going on. Where are we and how did you get here?"

"Bella we are at The Cullen's house and I got here the same way that you did…running. Are you okay? How do you feel?"

"I think I am okay. I feel fine. I guess I am not dead."

"Bella what do you remember?"

I closed my eyes searching my memories trying to come up with an answer. Random memories of my life sailed through my mind at a speed too fast to gasp hold of. The clearest of the memories were the ones with Jasper in the woods. Then there was just this endless amount of peace until he woke me up. That only meant one thing…

"What did you do to me Jasper? I was counting on you to do one little thing, the same thing that not too long ago you could not control yourself from doing. I was not unclear in my request so why I am here when I should be dead? And I am not even alive. You couldn't kill me but you ended my life anyways. How could you?" I demanded feeling my hands ball up in fists.

"Please calm down. I will explain everything to you but first I need to take you hunting," he told me like he thought that I was going to be okay with all this.

"No," I told him with defiance. It seemed vampire Bella was not as agreeable and timid as human Bella. I liked it.

"You have to. And you also have to calm down. I know you are confused and anger at me but I can't control your emotions so you have to do it yourself. I know you and you can do it."

"I don't want to be calm. I think if there is ever a time when it is okay not to be calm it is the day you wake up a freaky vampire. Would you not agree?" I questioned of him.

"I agree with you but losing control right now will only cause more problems for both of us. Please just try to stay calm. I know you have a million questions and I will try to answer all of them but only if you remain calm. As much as you want explode and kill me you can because then you will never get the answer you want."

"I will try but I can't promise anything."

"Thank-you. Now please let's go hunting."

"No. I don't need to. I'll do it later."

"Bella…" he said to me in a tone that he would use on a bad child that refused to go to bed.

"I said I can wait," my temper began to flare. The last thing I needed was someone else trying to control me and tell me what was best for me.

"No you can't. Are you not thirsty? Do you not feel that burning in the back of your throat? You need to feed before it becomes uncontrollable."

"I can control it."

"No you can't."

"Just because you can't does not mean that I can't," I told him. I knew it was a low blow but I was not caring too much at the moment. I was mad. I mean I was really mad.

"Humor me. Please just do it for me."

"Fine but don't think this means that I am going to do what you want me to whenever you want me to. And you are going to explain to me why I am still alive when we get back," I agreed because I was mad but not stupid. I knew I had to hunt to remain in control.

He led me out of the house letting me take the lead but remained close behind. I was scared, nervous as we ran through the woods. There was no guarantee that there was not some random human roaming the woods. What if I smelled one and went after one. I could never forgive myself if I ever harmed a human. Then I smelled it…blood.

Instead of taking off in an instant like my brain screamed at me to do I stopped.

"What is wrong?" Jasper asked coming up next to me.

"What is that I smell? Is it a human? I don't want to eat human."

"No Bella if it was a human you would not be standing here. It is just elk so feel free to pig out."

"I can't do this. I mean what if I do it wrong."

"There is no wrong way. Just stop worrying and let your instincts take over. I'll be here if you feel like you need me but I don't think you will."

I hesitated for a moment and then I was off unable to fight the pull anymore. Soon I had taken down two elk.

"See I told you could do it. How do you feel?"

"Full. I can barely feel the burn in my throat. So can we please get to the question and answer portion of this little game," I demanded starting to walk back towards the house not waiting for him to answer me. I had done what he asked and now he was going to explain himself to me.

"You need a shower. You seemed to be like Emmett and like to play with your food."

I stared down at my clothes now noticing that I was covered in dried animal blood.

"Oh gross. I need a shower immediately."

"You know where the shower is Bella."

"Only his and…well I would rather use another one."

"You can use mine. Third floor room on the left."

"Thanks."

I could get use to this I thought as I was up the stairs in seconds. Walking into the room I saw it was basically empty. There was a lone chair among several boxes. There was a laptop sitting in the chair that was surrounded by books.

Why was he staying up here instead of in the room he shared with Alice? And where was Alice? I had so many questions to ask him but first I needed a shower.

I stripped out of the clothes staring at myself for the first time since I had been changed. All I could see though was the blood red eyes staring back at me. It was unnerving. I wondered how long it was going to be before they changed to golden. Not soon enough. Besides for the not wanting to eat humans I think I would be vegetarian just so I did not have these eyes. Freaky. Other than the eyes I noticed the changes. My hair was longer, thicker, and darker. My skin was paler but not to the extreme considering I had been pale before. I was thinner having lost every ounce of baby fat left on me. I was all muscles now. My stomach was sick, totally flat complete with abs. I felt like my legs were longer and that I was taller. The weirdest thing was that my boobs were bigger, quite a bit bigger. I had been pretty flat before and now they were round and full. It looked like I had had a boob job.

I had always thought that when I was changed that I would not look like myself but that was not the case. I still looked like me just the most perfect version of myself.

God did vanity come hand and hand with being a vampire. I don't think I had ever spent this much time looking at myself before in my life. Now I was acting like Rosalie.

I finally slipped into the shower. The hot water felt heavenly. I wanted to stay in there forever but I knew the sooner I was out the sooner I would receive some answers from Jasper. And boy did I have a lot of questions.

"Jasper?" I shouted forgetting that I didn't have to.

"Yes Bella?"

"Do you have something I could wear?"

He was upstairs in the bedroom within seconds staring at me.

"Sorry Bella."

"Why are you acting like you haven't seen it before?"

"I…"

"You changed my clothes after you changed me didn't you?"

"Yes. You had blood all over you and... I promise I did not look."

"Jasper are you blushing?"

"Vampires can't blush."

"Thank God. There is at least one good point to all this. So are you going to stand there and stare at me all day or are you going to get me something to wear?"

I loved that I was making him uncomfortable. He always seemed so in control and unflappable. Now I was able to ruffle his feather. Smiling to my self I took the clothes heading back into the bathroom.

When I came back out he was staring out the window seemly lost in his own thoughts. I could almost see the weight of the world sitting down on his shoulders.

"Jasper?"


	6. Chapter 6

I own nothing.

I don't believe in fate or destiny. I believe in varies degrees of hatred, paranoia, and abandonment. However much of that gets heaped upon you doesn't matter – it's only a matter of how much you can take and what it does to you – Henry Rollins

Song for this chapter – Untitled by Simple Plan

Chapter Six – Acceptance

Bella's POV

When he looked back at me I was overwhelmed by the guilt and sadness surrounding him. It seemed to be overpowering him until he could not stand the weight anymore. Never had I seen another person closer to breaking. It broke my heart thinking that I may be to blame for that. No matter how mad I was at him that last thing I wanted was him feeling this way over me.

"Sorry about the clothes. This was not exactly planned. I can't take you shopping but we can order whatever you need online."

"I happen to like these clothes. They remind me of my favorite sweatpants at home. If you are expecting me to magically turn into Alice now you will be sadly disappointed because I still have no desire to go shopping," I joked trying to lighten the mood but it didn't.

I swear he flinched at the mention of Alice's name. That made no sense to me but nothing had for some time now. Top of the list of things that made no sense to me was why Jasper was back seemly without any of the other members of his family, including his wife.

I also wanted to know not why he had been in the woods since I figured that it had been to hunt. I didn't even need to ask why he had attacked me because well I knew the answer to that. I just wanted to know why he had decided to change me. There was no reason I could come up with. This was his perfect opportunity. There had been no one there to pull him off of me this time. I mean for the love that all was holy I had given him permission. No I had done more than give him permission to bit me. I had basically begged him to kill me. Yet he hadn't instead deciding to change me. It just did not make an ounce of sense. I could not wait to hear what he came up with to justify his decision.

I also needed to know about my death. He would have to explain my death without a body. And in a way that left no question that I was indeed dead. I could not live with myself if Charlie and Renee were left to wonder what happened to me and if I might ever return. God this was the worst part of all this. I could handle whatever happened to me but having to sit back and endure their pain over losing me would just be too much. I could not think about it anymore or I was going to lost it. I could feel my emotions starting to spin out of control.

What I most wanted explained to me was what was happening with me. I understood that I was a vampire now but nothing that I had been told about being changed rang true. First the days of my change I had been told that I would be in the worst pain of my life but I had felt nothing but peace. Not that I was not thrilled that I had not suffered but it just did not go with what everyone else had said.

Plus I had been told that I would probably lose most of my human memories but honestly I had retained almost all of my memories. There were few random things that I had lost; including the whole year I was eight. But I remembered every second of my life since I moved to Folks in such detail. Honestly that I could have lived without remembering. Looking at Jasper his pain mirroring mine I wished that I could have lost all the memories that had caused so much sorrow.

Then all this newborn stuff. A year of being out of control was what he had said. No control over my bloodlust, my strength, my urges, my emotions, or thoughts. Sure my thoughts seemed to be all over but I was able to pick out the one I wanted and focus on it. As for my emotions they had always been all over the place so I was use to them flying from one emotion to the next at record speed. What I was not use to was having any control over them. Once Jasper instructed me that I needed to take command of my emotions I had. They still jumped all over the place but I was able to rein them back in. I did not feel any stronger. And I also did not feel this bloodlust that I was suppose to be overcome with. Yes there was a slight burn in the back of my throat like I needed some water but nothing like I expected.

It just made me question if I had been told all this to keep me from asking to change me.

Jasper's POV

I could feel her uncertainty, her pain, worry, and guilt. There was also anger lying under the surface. It was clear that she was doing as I instructed and was trying to keep her cool. I did not know how long it was going to last though since we had not even started to have our discussion.

"I am ready if you want to talk now. I think it is best if we get it all out now rather than later. Your emotions are all over the place. It's amazing how you are control them right now but since I have no control over them remember to keep a handle on them," I told her wondering if she would be able to stay in such control when we were in the middle of our chat. I was not really ready to explain to her my reasons for changing her. I was still coming to terms with my decisions. As well as other things.

"I don't even know where to beginning. My mind is racing through a thousand different thoughts and I am having a hard time grasping any of them." Bella explained to me frustrated.

"Unlike your human mind you are now able to think about many things at once. It is hard at first with so much whirling around it feels like your mind is caught up in a hurricane. You will learn to control your thoughts just as you learn to control your strength, your bloodlust, and many other things. It takes time which you have an infinite amount of now. Just pick out a thought and concentrate on it."

She closed her eyes searching for the thought that was most important in her mind. The one thing that she needed to answers to. I thought that it would be why I turned her but I was surprised when she asked something totally different and unrelated.

"Why are you back Jasper?"

It would have been easier if she had asked about my reason to change her. I did not want to open my wounds that had just started to scab over. I did not think that the wounds would ever completely heal and if they did I knew there would by scars that never went away. I had other scars like that.

"They are not back," I finally told her. I did not think she really was asking what I was doing back. It was just her way of asking about the others without saying it.

"I did not think they were. Esme would never live in a house without all her antiques. Rose would be lost without her cars and Emmett his video games. And Alice would need her clothes."

I forgot that she was one of us now and she caught the slight wince I made at the mention of her name. It seemed that I could not stop myself every time I heard her name.

"Jasper why are you here and why is Alice not with you? I don't think that I have ever seen the two of you apart. Has something happened to Alice?" she asked as if that could be the only reason that we would be apart. Once I had believed that also.

His expression darkened and then faded away only pain remained in his face. I knew if he was able to cry that he would be weeping. I had never seen such sadness in anyone other than myself. I knew only the pain of losing someone could invoke such sorrow.

"Jasper…"

Bella's POV

He didn't speak but just fell as if his legs could not hold him. One second he was standing before me and the next he simply crumbled. By the time I walked over to him he had his knees pulled up and his head buried in them. His body shook with his absent tears as his body ached with an unknown anguish. All I wanted was to wrap my arms around him and tell him it was going to be okay.

The second my hand touched his knee he jumped back as if my touch had burned his flesh. As if he was repulsed by my touch. I pulled my hand back embarrassed.

"Don't feel embarrassed. It is not you. I just don't deserve your comfort. After all I've done to everyone I am the last person who deserves to be consoled."

"Jasper I don't know what has happened but please can you tell me. I'm going crazy worrying and wondering."

"She's gone Bella," he whispered and if I was still human I would have never heard those words.

"What do you mean she's gone?" my mind going instantly to dark places.

"She's gone. She left me. She just left me like I was nothing. Nothing more than garbage," he told me never looking up at me as if he was ashamed.

My mind tried to wrap itself around what he said. I couldn't believe that Alice would just leave him. They were mates. They were bound to each other forever. I had seen first hand the connection between them. Moments when they did not even need to speak to communicate. No this made no sense at all to me. There had to be more that he was not telling me.

"Tell me everything," I asked knowing the hurt it would bring him but I had to know.

He did not move to stand but slowly lifted his head to stare out into nothing. After endless moments of silence he finally began to talk.

"After your birthday no one could stand to look at me without distain. Not that I deserved anything else. I could not handle it so I left to find some peace from everyone's emotions. When I returned three days later they were all waiting for me. I was told that Edward had decided to break things off with you and he wanted to leave."

My dead heart dropped at that sentence. It had been that easy and nonchalant for him to leave me. I really had meant nothing to him.

"Bella you need to calm down. It is very strange but my power has no effect on you as if you are blocking me or if you are in some bubble that protects you. So you have to have to keep yourself in control, understand?"

"Yes…but you have to tell me what happened. Why did they all leave like that without even saying good-bye to me? Why did you not go with them when they left? Have you been here the whole time? Do you know where they are? Are they coming back?"

"Let's take the questions one at a time."

"I don't know where they are. They did not want me to know and have done everything they could to make sure that I could not find them. I have looked but it is if they fell off the earth. So I don't think they have any plans of returning here. There is nothing left here for them."

Instantly I was overcome by such a throbbing hurt in my soul that I could feel it physically. My body ached from the wounds no one could see and I had found out that the scars on the inside were the ones that hurt the most. They were also the ones that never seemed to heal.

Soft moaning from the corner bought me out of my own pain. Jasper was rocking as if he was in agony.

"Jasper are you okay?"

"Too many emotions."

"Oh God I'm sorry. I forgot you can feel everyone else's emotions as well as your own. I just couldn't control it. It is just so hard. You have no idea what I have been through since he left me."

"Yes Bella I do. They did not just leave you. When I got home they had already made all their decisions, a family vote. They were relocating to give you a fresh start without us in hopes that you would forget and move on easier without us around."

Instantly my mind went to that day in the woods when Edward was telling me that he didn't want me. That I would forget about him. It would be like he never existed.

"They had taken another family vote that night as well. They had decided that it was best if when they left that I did not go with them. Just like that I was voted out of my family. They were all packed and ready to go. I did not stand around and wait for sad goodbyes that I knew was not going to come. Alice's goodbye consisted of nothing more than "I've seen this and it's for the best." What a load of shit. It might have been best for her but does it look like it has been fucking good for me?"

"No and does it look like I forgot and moved on?"

"No Bella."

"Then why? Why did they leave us?"


	7. Chapter 7

I own nothing.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so no one can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…you give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then you life isn't your anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the mind. It's a soul hurt, a body hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love – Neil Gaiman

Song for this chapter - Tonight I wanna cry by Keith Urban

Chapter Seven – Revelations

Jasper's POV

"It's not you Bella. I know that Edward loves you. I could feel that. That was not the reason that he left. I was the reason that he left. He could not even trust his own family with you. All he wanted was to protect you and he felt the only way that he could do that was to leave. Blame me for everything," I explained to her and then told her something I should have a long time ago, "I never did get to tell you I was sorry about what happened at your birthday. I know that it is not enough but I have nothing else. I really am a monster, you know. I am not surprised they left me just that it took this long."

"Stop talking like that. I never blamed you because it was not your fault. It was all my fault. I mean really I could not even open a present without causing blood loss."

"I should have been able to control myself. No one else had a problem and we all have the same diet. I am just weak and that is why my family left me behind."

I could not help but go back to that day. All the hurt came flooding back to the surface pushing me down deeper into the pity pool that I had been swimming in for a long time. I did not think I was ever going to resurface.

"You are not weak. You just feel too much. You were overwhelmed by everyone else's bloodlust as well as your own. You were not the only one experiencing overpowering desire for my blood. There was not one of them who did not want to drink my blood no matter what they claim. I could see it in their eyes. You don't think that had some affect on you? You were not only feeling your own but all of theirs. There was no way that you could have controlled that immense amount of pull no matter what you believe," Bella explained to me defending me to myself.

I stared at her letting her insightful words slip into my mind. What a significant revelation. How could it be that I never considered that before? Of course I was affected by their bloodlust just as I was by every other emotion they experienced.

I quickly thought back to every other time that I had almost lost it overcome by the monster inside of me. There was not once that I had been alone. I had always been with another member of my family. And true to the theory the times when it was the worse I was always with more than one of them.

How come no one had thought to tell me this before? It had to occur to at least one of them. My only thought was that they we all too happy to let me keep feeling weak and needy. Always needing Edward to read my thoughts to see if I was planning some human's death. Or my dear wife looking into my future to see if I hunted down a human. Even Emmett for his strength to hold me back like he had at Bella's party.

I was never allowed to go out on my own. I was never allowed any privacy. I was consistently watch and monitored. I was forced to hunt when I didn't feel like I needed to. I was forever poor Jasper. The newest vegetarian struggling with the diet change. I was always the weak one dependent on the rest of them. And certain members of my family always made sure I remembered that.

"Thank-you Bella. Thank you for forgiving me and seeing some thing more in me than anyone else has, even myself. You don't know how hard it is to always be considered the weak link," I let her know feeling sorry for myself. I don't know what was worse having my whole family leave me or for them to use me as an escape goat. I think mainly I was pissed that I had not figured this out for myself. It took Bella all of five minutes to dissect my life.

Before now Bella and I had barely spoken except that time we were on the run from James. She had always been Edward's. He made it crystal clear that I was to go nowhere near her because I was an animal that could not be trusted. I did not blame him considering that in the beginning I had made it known that I had no problem killing her to save the rest of the family. But that was before I met her and before I knew how much she meant not only to Edward but everyone else, especially my wife. Alice really did love her like a sister which made me still wonder how she could have left her. It seemed that she had no problem leaving the ones she claims to love.

"I know everything about being the weak leak or in my case the weak breakable human that can not walk without hurting herself. No matter what you say I know that he just got so sick of saving me. Or maybe he just grew tired of me all together. I was nothing more than a toy to be played with until he grew bored and moved on."

"Bella…"

"No don't tell me I was wrong. I always knew that I was not good enough for him. I was just a silly little human disillusioned into thinking that I had a future with him. We never had one…I was just a distraction."

"I always knew that I was not good enough for her. I guess she always knew that too. I'm finally seeing that I too was just a distraction," I let out pausing taking a deep breath that I did not need, "I know you have more questions but if it is okay with you I need to go refocus. I won't be long," I told her just needing to be alone.

"I will be fine and when you get back and are ready we will continue. I know you are hurting and I also know from experience that nothing I can say will change that but like you told me once… you are worth it."

Her words stayed with me as I disappeared into the woods. I climbed an old favorite tree and sat there staring out into the darkness of the night. Being out here was where I felt most at peace. No ones emotions but my own to feel. But tonight my own were more than I could handle.

I never felt weaker in my life than I did tonight. My feelings overwhelming my whole being until I just broke down. I had sat there and shook shedding invisible tears for what I had lost.

Before Alice my life had no meaning. I was just a lost soul wondering aimlessly through the world only surviving but not living. That all changed when Alice walked into my life. She was sure of everything. She had all the answers. Of course I was quick to realize that was from her gift to see into the future. At the time that had been perfect for me because for once I did not have to worry about what was to come.

Looking back now I know that had been a mistake. From the start I had given Alice all the power in our relationship. I followed behind her like a little lost puppy as she dragged us to our new family. From day one she fit right in with this strange coven of vampires and they all loved her. How could they not? She was an excited little pixie full of energy that could see the future. If they had to welcome me into the family to keep her they had been willing to make the sacrifice.

And I had been willing to make sacrifices of my own to be with her. After centuries of a diet of human blood I went cold turkey switching to animal blood spending every endless moment fighting the thirst. But for her love I would have given anything.

And though I could not see it then I had continued year after year to slowly give up more and more of myself to keep her. In the end no matter what I did she had left me anyways.

So here I was with what was left of me.

I didn't know who I was anymore. I did not know how to live without Alice. I didn't know if I wanted to. What did I have without her? Nothing. I was left with nothing. And I knew in my heart that if I did not somehow get her back that I never would again.

Even after she had ripped me apart from the inside out leaving me to suffer a long painful death I still loved her. I still wanted her. I did not know how to be without her. She had showed me another life away from killing and torment. No matter what she had done to hurt me it did not compare to what she did to heal me. How many times had she forgiven me for the things I did? Too many for even my brain to remember. So how could I not look pass a few indiscretions she had made? The answer was I couldn't. I would forgive her if I ever got the chance. And I knew that I had only one chance and that was through Bella.

Bella's POV

I don't know how long I sat there and waited for Jasper to come back. Time had already ceased to matter to me. What did matter to me now was Jasper.

I felt this strange connection to him which I could not explain. My only theory was that it had something to do with the fact that he had been the one to change me. Maybe part of it was that I had lost Edward like he had lost Alice.

God I could not imagine what he was going through though. I had only been with Edward such a short amount of time compared to Jasper with Alice and I wanted to die when I lost him. They had been together decades.

I did not for the life of me understand why Alice had left him. I never witnessed a second of strife between them. Unlike Rosalie and Emmett who were always fighting about something. Then again Jasper seemed much more of a private person than Emmett. Which meant that probably whatever had been going on between them had been kept behind closed doors.

As much as I wanted to ask him that would just be rude. I mean he would tell me if he wanted me to know. Maybe he would when he was ready. When he felt like he could trust me. Because for all intensive purposes we were nothing more than a step above strangers. I wanted to change that though. I wanted to get to know him now that my blood was not in the way. I had this feeling that Jasper had quite the story. I also had the feeling that he needed a friend maybe more than I did.

Maybe that was why it had been so easy for me to simply let go of the fact that he had changed me. My nurture and take care of trait kicked in on overdrive when I looked at him. He seemed so fragile. Like at any minute he would just break into a million pieces and no amount of glue would put him back together.

Nothing could change what had been done. We had both made decisions and choices that lead us to this point. Now came the part where we take what life had dealt us and move on. At least we did not have to do so alone. If neither of us had no one else we had each other. Maybe that would be enough to get us through.


	8. Chapter 8

I own nothing.

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on – Robert Frost

Song for this chapter Fight Outta You – Ben Harper

Chapter Eight – What is in a name?

Bella's POV

It was almost dawn before Jasper made his way home. Though his body was still tense he seemed better… more composed like his usual self. I knew it was not saying a lot since I had never really truly seen him at ease. I didn't think he would ever be happy go lucky like Emmett. That was not him. But that was okay cuz neither was I.

"Sorry I left like that. Are you okay?" he asked his voice even, calm. Whatever emotions that had burning through him he now had in check.

"I am fine. I just sat here and did some thinking. How are you? Are you feeling better? Did you go hunting while you were out?" I asked wanting to left him know that I was there for him if he wanted to talk. Not that I thought he would.

"I'm fine. I know I kind of broke down there in front of you and I'm sorry for that. That was not for you to see and it will not happen again. You don't have to worry about me. I'm fine for now but I did not go hunting. How is your thirst?"

"What thirst?"

"Bella?" he said like I was four.

"No seriously it isn't bad at all. Until you said something I hadn't even thought about it. So I think that I am fine," I explained to him but the look on his face told me that he was not buying it.

"It is faint but I do still feel that bloodlust in you. Just to be safe I say we go hunting. I need to myself. We'll make it a quick trip again and then we can get back to a discussion. Agreed?"

"Yes Jasper we will do things your way."

He just slightly smirked at me as he headed back out the door waiting for me to follow behind. I fought the smile that tugged at the corner of my mouth as I ran after him.

This hunting trip was pretty much the same as the previous one except after I had taken down two deer I sat back and watched Jasper work.

He stalked his prey. He wanted a challenge. As if the hunt was as important as the kill. It was hypnotizing to watch him. He was a so powerful and in control. He was in total command sitting on top of the food chain. And I was in awe was I watched him drain three deer. Not a drop of blood either. I was covered…again. I would have to take a shower before we started past two of our conversation.

"I'm going to take a shower and can I please borrow some more clothes. I think that we need to get online and order a few things or you are going to be running out of clothes too," I told him slipping into the bathroom once we were back.

When I got out there was a tee-shirt and a pair of jeans waiting for me. Both were too big and this was another day with no panties or bra. I really did need some clothes.

Jasper was freshly showered and waiting for me by the time I got out. I could smell his soap, musky and masculine. His hair was still damn as it hung down around his face in dirty blond waves. God he was handsome. Woo wait a minute…did I just say that Jasper Hale was handsome? I mean I don't think I ever really looked at him before now…like really looked at him. He was striking in this very dangerous way. There was nothing soft or gentle about him and that had nothing to do with being a vampire. I could tell that even when he had been human that he had been a man's man.

"Bella?"

"Yes?"

"What are you thinking about?"

"Why?"

"Just wondering," he said with that damn smirk of his. What was with that smirk? Before today I had never seen it and now he could not stop flashing me it. It was as if he knew a secret no one else did. Wait…that was because he did. I knew if I could still blush that my whole body would be beet red. I kept forgetting that he would read my emotions. I had to be careful around him which was not going to be easy for me.

"I left my credit card by the computer. Order what ever you need and have it over nighted. And Bella get more than a few things. You have no clothes. I also know you have an aversion to spending money especially other people's money. Please don't pull that with me. I'm not like Edward I won't give in to you. You need the clothes and you will get them if I have to order them myself. And don't forget things like shoes and undergarments," he told me in a way that I did not dare question him.

"Yes Jasper we will do things your way."

As I scrolled the pages looking quickly for what I would need I could hear Jasper pacing behind me. I tried to ignore him but finally I couldn't.

"Jasper stop pacing the floor. Just tell me what is on your mind."

"It is just well I know we have a lot to talk about still but I need to get my guy going on this. Normally all this would have been taken care of by now but this was not planned," he told me raking his fingers through his hair, "Seriously I don't know what I was thinking. I never act on impulse. I am a military man and I weigh the pros and cons of every decision selecting the best course of action before I even think about acting. And the time that I need a plan of action the most I just go and act on impulse. Oh the more I think about this the worse it comes. I really think that I made a mistake when I changed you."

He had realized already that spending this much time with me was torture. Why wouldn't he? That was just what had happened with Edward. The mere thought of spending forever with me had sent him screaming for the hills. Why would he be any different? Edward had claimed to be in love with me and well Jasper he didn't even like me.

"Maybe you should have thought about that before you went against my wishes. Clearly we would both be happier if you had just been the monster we both know you can be and taken a big bite," I spit at him going way below the belt with that comment.

The look seeping in and spreading across his face over what I had just said made me hate myself. What kind of monster was I to take his biggest fear or weakness and throw it in his face?

"I'm sorry Jasper, I did not mean that."

"I have learned over my many years that in fact people say exactly what they mean. Don't fell guilty over speaking the truth. I am a monster, always have been always will be. On top of it I'm a selfish monster. I tend to do what I think is best. You might have wanted to die but in the end I concluded that for me changing you was what I wished to happen. Normally I don't feel guilt about my decisions because I have thought about it from every angle determining the right decision. Only when I act on impulse do I ever second guess. You were an impulse. And you know what Bella I don't even feel guilt about changing you because it wasn't what you wanted but because I'm not sure anymore if it is what I wanted. I think that you got the wrong impression of who you are dealing with from my momentary lap of emotional control. I know you are use to dealing with a pansy ass boy but that ain't me," he coldly told me his voice hard. His face was severe as he stared me down. If his words hadn't gotten his point across his expression sure did.

"Trust me I realize that. Now was there something that you wanted to talk to me about or can I get back to shopping," I asked him. There was fifty million things that I wanted to say to him but even my vampire mind could not come up with a good enough response.

He just nodded and I returned to the computer. Shopping online was so much better than shopping in person. Just click and it was the shopping cart. No trying on things, no long lines, no overly happy sales people asking you if you need help. No this was so much better. Plus I could think about other things while I was doing it.

I always thought that my emotions were all over the place but Jasper brought new meaning to chaotic. He might be able to control other people's emotions but clearly he could not do the same for himself though I had a feeling that he fought for total control over his emotions more than he fought his bloodlust. He was not a man who liked to surrender to anything. So when he did he saw himself as weak.

"I am done. It will be here tomorrow. The total bill was $4998.52 just so you know. See how easy it was for me to spend your money. You might think that you know me too but I'll surprise you," I told him still reeling from the total bill. I had not really been paying attention to the items I added. When the total come up I went back to take things out but in the end I thought no…I'll show him, "That's not too much is it?" I asked the guilt over the money getting to me quickly. I mean come on who really needs to spend five thousand dollars on jeans and tee-shirts? Was it too late to cancel the order?

"Bella it is just money. I know that you don't like to hear that but it is. It is there to buy things you need. If I did not have it I would be okay. I know money does not bring happiness. I also do not need a lot of things to make me happy. But if I do want or need something I don't have a problem buying it. I have bigger things to worry about then a credit card bill."

"I'm sorry about what I said before. I really didn't mean it. I don't think that you are a monster. I never have and I never will."

"Remember Bella never is now a very long time. Anyways now that the clothing situation is taken care of we need to take care of some other matters. Like I said normally all this would have been handled before now but it did not work out that way. I need to have my guy get all the paper work ready."

"What are you taking about? What papers? Who is this guy you keep talking about?"

"Your identity. Bella Swan no longer exists. That being said who do you want to be now?"

Wow I hadn't thought about that. Who was I now? I always thought that when I changed my name it would be to Bella Cullen but that was no longer an option not that it ever really was. That had just been a fantasy in the mind of a foolish girl. I was not that girl any more.

"I'm not sure," I told him not knowing who I was anymore. I had lost myself the day I met Edward becoming someone else. I became someone else when he left me. Neither of them was who I was now.

"Well when we change our names we normally keep our first names. This time Rosalie and I were playing twins so we both took her last name."

"So Hale is not your last name?"

"No."

"What is it?"

"Whitlock…my name is Jasper Whitlock but I have not been him since I met Alice. I guess at the time I was more than happy to distance myself from who I use to be," he explained to me. I knew there was a story behind his comment but like questioning him about Alice right now was not the right time.

"What if I become Bella Whitlock?"

Jasper's POV

I had perfect hearing so I knew I heard her correctly. Why would she want to be a Whitlock? No one ever wanted to take my name. Even Alice had refused to take my real name when we got married.

"What is the big deal Jasper? No one is going to know my last name anyways. I just can't see myself as Alice Whitlock. Just like I will never be Mary Brandon. I am and will always be Alice Cullen. It is only a name. You understand don't you?"

Of course I had not understood. Maybe it was just the southern gentleman in me but it was usually an honor for a girl to take her husband's name. So for her to refuse to take Whitlock as her last name I felt less than a man. It made me feel not good enough and lacking in some way. I had never told her that. I did not want to upset her. And so it was just one more time I lost part of myself.

"Jasper I don't have to take your name if it bothers you. It was just an idea…I stupid idea."

"No it was a wonderful idea. If you want to be Bella Whitlock I would be honored. In fact I think that it is about time that I become Jasper Whitlock again. I'll go call my guy to get going on the paper work. Last question; how old do you want to be? Do you feel like doing the high school thing again or are you ready for something else?"

"This guy who is he? I mean he can just change everything about you?" she questioned. Only she would do that. It seemed that she was never without a question trying to figure the world out.

"Yes he can do just that but the less you know that better. So what is it going to be?" I asked again hoping that she would choose anything other than high school. The others got some kind of sick pleasure out of repeating high school over and over but I for one was not a fan. Too man emotions and hormones to deal with and that was just from the teachers.

"Well even though I did not technically graduate I was close enough. I do not feel the need to go back any time soon. Maybe after I get over this newborn period I could do the whole college thing. So I guess I stay eighteen. What about you Jasper what are you going to do?" she asked me with eagerness like she cared. No one ever cared what I wanted. Everything was always a family vote and just let's say I was always outvoted. After a decade or so I finally just stopped voicing my opinion.

"I'm with you no more high school. Maybe after everything settles down we can find a college to go to together."

"Oh that would be so great. We could be brother and sister like you and Rose were."

"I hate to break it to you but no one would think we were brother and sister."

"But we would have the same last name so how would we explain that to everyone? Whitlock is not a common name," she questioned yet again. Every question with her was like a game of twenty questions.

"How about husband and wife?"


	9. Chapter 9

I own nothing.

Chapter Nine

"I can't marry you Jasper I don't love you…"

Those words echoed around in my brain bouncing off them selves. A weaker man might have crumbled at such words of rejection but not I. Instead I started to laugh. I mean rolling on the ground, holding your sides, peeing your pants kind of laughing. I could not remember the last time that I laughed like that. I felt strange but amazing. Each laugh seemed to release some weight that had been sitting squarely on my shoulders. I felt lighter. I felt freer.

"I don't know what you find so damn funny. I don't think it is funny at all. You are already married so you should not be going around asking other girls to marry you, unless…oh," she said her face filling shock and wonder. I could help but ask.

"What?"

"Please don't tell me that your family is into some thing weird like polygamy. Or worse some thing like you are all one BIG happy family?" she shuddered.

All I could do was shake my head no as I continued to laugh knowing if I had to breathe I would have gasping for air. Images that I did not want to imagine flashed through my mind. Where did she come up with this stuff?

When I finally regained composer over myself I looked over at Bella who was staring at me like I had lost my mind. And you know what I think I had.

"You are so fucking funny Bella. Now I know why Emmett liked having you around. You are the best kind of entertainment," I told her and then starting laughing all over again as the rage poured off of her. I should be careful pissing her off considering that she was a newborn but she did not look scary one bit, red eyes and all.

"I hate you Jasper Hale."

"That is Mr. Whitlock now dear Mrs. Whitlock."

"Oh you make me so mad," she huffed.

"I think we are having our first lovers spat. Can we kiss and make up?" I asked in rioting a growl from her lips.

"Oh please don't bite me you big scary vampire. Seriously you remind me of some tiny little kitten that thinks she is a big bad menacing lion…you are too cute," I told her waiting for her to pounce on me but instead her emotions shifted swiftly from anger and rage to hurt and longing.

"Okay I did not get it what did I say?" I demanded as she sank where she stood.

"Nothing. Just old memories."

"I'm sorry," I told her though I was not so sure what I had said or done to bring up painful memories. But I knew from personal experience that pretty much anything could trigger a melt down.

"It's not your fault," she assured me taken an unnecessary breath.

It was so frustrating not to be able to send calming waves to her. I had gotten so use to being able to control other people's emotions and now that I needed that ability the most I was left helpless relying on just my award winning personality.

"I will probably say something I shouldn't again and not know it either so forgive me in advance. That will save us the time later of going through this 'I'm sorry' conversation again. And just so you know we are not into anything weird. Rose and Emmett are married though they have married each other too many times to count. Esme and Carlisle are married and remarry again every now and then. Alice and I are married. Though she has hinted towards wanting to do it again we have only been married once. I thought it was enough. I don't need some big party and ceremony to showcase my feelings for her. As for my comment about husband and wife I was just suggesting that we pretend to be married. Just like Rose and I pretended to be brother and sister but we really aren't. I wasn't talking about standing before a priest and promising to love you forever. That was done for my Alice alone. It was just suggesting pretending nothing more," I tried to explain to her thinking that when this whole mess was fixed and Alice and I were together again that I would give in to her and let her plan another wedding for us. It would be a symbol of our new beginning together.

"Now it is my turn to say sorry. God I must have sounded like a complete idiot. Plus I mean it not that I don't like you it is just well…you know," she explained to me and I knew her well enough to know if she was still human this would be one of those times she would be blushing. It was like crying, you did not see our tears but you still knew they were there.

"Yes I know," I smirked feeling the depth of her embarrassment. I wanted to start laughing all over again at her continued shyness and nervousness around me. I thought that after I had changed her that none of that would remain but it was so ingrained in her that no amount of transformation was going to alter that quality.

"How come I don't remember you being this full of yourself?" she accused giving me an evil eye that was anything but evil. I suppress yet another laugh.

"Probably because you really didn't get to know the real me but you will. Anyways I know it might not be a good time to get into it but how much do you remember?" I asked sensing that she had retained more than most.

"Most of my life besides a few complete years. I think eight and eleven are gone and fifteen too. Other than that just bits and pieces are missing. For the most part I kept it all. Some of it seems far away like when you get older and start to lose your memory. My most clear memories are the ones starting when I moved to Folks. I'm sure that was because they were the newest. That is not normal is it for a vampire to hold on their human memories?" she questioned me as if I had all the answers.

"Not really but you have never been normal. What else have you been experiencing since the change?" I asked her already knowing that she was not your typical vampire. Like her eyes which were already starting to change. After only two hunting trips I could see the honey gold outline her pupils. Most remarkable to me was her control. Not just control over her actions and emotions but her strength and bloodlust. I had never seen another like her. It was as if she had always been one of us. I wondered if that was because she was so aware of our life style. I wondered if it was something else. I wished Carlisle was here to check her out. He would know more of what was going on with her.

"Well probably the most important thing considering what I am is that I don't feel this bloodlust that everyone said I would. Uncontrollable craving for blood I was told but nope I don't feel it. Granted I have not been around any humans yet but I think I would be okay. Maybe I have a special power like the rest of you."

"I know you do," I told her causing her face to perk up.

"I do?"

"Yes. I told you that I have no control over your emotions. I can't mess with your feelings. I pretty sure that you are a shield."

"A shield, what is a shield?" she asked hopeful her eyes dancing with hope.

"You have an invisible shield around you blocking people. You are blocking my powers. I think it has always been in you. Remember how Edward could not read your mind when you were human? Well I think that power was just magnified when you became a vampire. Right now you don't know how to use it but someday it will be an amazing power," I explained to her thinking of how useful her power would be to me. The only reason Edward ever won a battle with me was because he could read my thoughts. And to be able to block Alice from reading my future would be incredible. To once be able to surprise her with a birthday gift or a night out would be miraculous. And the most important life altering ability being a shield would bring would be to be able to block out every one else's emotions for once. Oh the peace it would bring to only have to deal with my own feelings for once.

"I have super powers…I have a super cool super power…my super power kicks your super powers ass," she chanted sounding like a twelve year old or Emmett. All I could was shake my head as she danced around looking quite ridiculously. I would never say that to her because A. I would not want to hurt her feelings and B. no matter how ridiculous she looked she was happy and that was all that mattered. So I let her continue to dance around as I sat down to call my guy to get going on both Bella's and mine new identities. After all that was done I sat down and checked my email wondering if there was something from Alice. I did not expect it but there was that small hope that just maybe today she was thinking of me.

Even though it had been days since I checked there was only one new email in my inbox. It was dated just one hour again and it was from Bella. What??? She could not have been so stupid that she would access her email account when she was suppose to be dead would she? This was not going to be good.

"Dear Cullen Family,

This is Chief Swan, Bella's father. I am writing this email in hope that you can help me. Six days ago Bella went missing. No one has seen or heard from her since she left school. A small amount of blood and a bloody jacket was discovered in the woods that were confirmed to be Bella's. Other than that nothing. People have suggested that it was an animal attack but I do no believe that. Until I have solid proof that she is no longer alive I will continue to search. I know that this is gasping at straws but I was just wondering if any of you had heard from her. I know she was close to all of you, especially Alice. If you have or do hear anything from her can you please let me know and demand that she calls me. Thank-you for your time. Charlie Swan"

This was bad. This was so fucking bad. I should have known if he was anything like his daughter that he would not give up so easily. And now not only was he not letting this go he had went and brought The Cullen's into this. If by chance there was some miracle that Alice had not seen this they would now all be involved. It might even bring one or more of them back here looking for her worried that a vampire might have got to her. Yeah well one had just not the one they would imagine.

Alright this was not a time to freak out. What I needed was a plan. I had not had one when I changed her and that was why we were knee deep in shit right now. So whatever happened from this moment one I would have a solid plan of what came next. The only question was did I tell Bella what was going on?

I knew she would freak out if I told her. She would hate me, and then she would hate herself. She would blame herself or me or both. I could take the blame because it was my fault but I'm not sure that she could handle that stress right now of knowing what was happening in the real world.

Besides I could not risk her trying somehow to contact Chief Swan. That just could not happen. She did not understand that it was a strict rule that humans did not know that we existed. We had all taken a great risk when we welcomed Bella into our world not just for our family but for her own well being. The problem was Bella had never been good at protecting her own well being. She seemed to have no difficulty finding trouble and instead of running away from it ran head first into it. If Bella needed protect from any one it was herself. It seemed right now that job was in my hands.

"Tomorrow after your clothes arrive we need to start out on our road trip," I told her deciding that I would tell her about what was going on but only after we were far enough away that she could do anything about it.

"Road trip?"

"We need to go get our new identities. Flying is completely out of the question. We can't have you killing hundreds of people. In fact we are going to have to take as many back roads as possible. I'm hoping that you are right about this control you have. Normally newborns can not be around humans for a very long time."

"Stop stressing out so much Jasper it will give you wrinkles," she said with a snicker, "I will be perfectly fine. Have a little faith."

"Seriously Bella you want to talk about faith? Sometimes faith is not enough."

Faith…what was faith? The definition of faith was the confident belief or trust in the truth or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing. That had also been the definition of my relationship with Alice. I never doubted one thing that she ever said or did. I trusted her with my life. What had my faith in her and our relationship gotten me? It had gotten me nothing and nowhere. No faith was like walking blindfolded into a lions den covered in steak sauce. Putting your faith in someone put all the power in their corner. My faith in Alice had given her all the power.

"If you can't put any faith in me than at least have some faith in yourself. Alright?" she told me looking at me like I was nothing more than a little boy heading to his first day of school, "So where is this little road trip's destination?"

"Philadelphia."


	10. Chapter 10

I own nothing.

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind – Dr. Seuss

Chapter Ten – Wait a minute

Jasper's POV

"Seriously? Does it have to be that far away? I mean what is it like 2000 miles away from here?" she whined now sounded more like the little child than the mother.

"2464 miles to be exact."

"Aren't you Mr. Smarty Pants?"

"Edward was not the only one with a brain. I'm not just a pretty face you know…" I grinned at her completely satisfied that I could get a reaction out of her.

"I know that you are all very intelligent. I mean as many times that you have been through school you should be at least. I just wanted to know why there? Is there no place closer?" she questioned and I could feel her trepidation seeping out of her. She was reluctant to leave Forks for the same reason that I was what if they came back and we were not here? I had planned to stay here longer too but between needing our ids and now with Charlie we had no choice.

"It really isn't that far when you think about it at least for us. We don't need to stop to sleep or eat. Plus we don't exactly drive the speed limit. And no there is no place closer. It is not like we are heading to a mall to pick this up. He moves around a lot and this happens to be where he is at the moment. I would rather not be going there either," I told her thinking that it was the last place in fact that I wanted to be heading. It seemed like the cosmic universe was totally fucking with my mind reminding me of everything that I had and lost.

"Why? Have you ever been there before?"

"You can say that," I told her letting my mind slipping back to a time when I had all the hope in the world that my future would be peaceful and happy, "Philadelphia was where I first met Alice. I ducked into a diner one day and there she was waiting for me. She scolded me for taking so long and I apologized. She then told me that she saw the future and about seeing The Cullen's. She then explained she had seen us both there welcomed into the family living their life style. To say that I was in disbelief would be an understatement but you know how Alice is…she is a force. I don't think she ever asked me if I wanted to come," I let her know. Looking back I could not believe I had just blindly went with her. I think at the time it was that I was so desperate to believe there was something more to this existence than I had seen.

"Was it love at first sight?" she innocently asked me.

"No," I honestly told her which rewarded me a wide eyed shocked look from her as if love came only in one form. I stifled a grin reminding myself how young she was.

"I am not sure when it happened to be honest with you. I never remember having 'I'm in love with Alice' moment. I guess it just happened slowly over time. In the end it did not matter really how or when or why because Alice had seen it so why questioned it?"

Bella's POV

Alice and her predictions. Even after Edward left I never let go of the real hope that he would come back. That belief was based 90% on her vision that I would end like them and 10% based on our love. It seemed ridiculous now that I had based my future on Alice and her subjective futures. Sure in the end I had ended up like them but not in the way I had seen it.

"You can tell me to mind my own business cuz I know it really is none of my business but I was just wondering if when Alice left if she told you what your future held?" I dared to ask him wondering if she had seen our two futures colliding in such a way.

"No she did not tell me this was going to happen if that is what you are asking. I really don't think that she has even seen it now. If she had I have no doubt that at least Edward would have come running if not the whole family," he told me and the look on his face bought my next question to my mind.

"So is that why you did it? Did you think that changing me would bring Alice running?" I demanded and I did not need for him to answer to know the answer since he wore his guilt all over his expressive face.

"That was pretty damn selfish don't you think? To ruin my whole life just to try and fix your marriage," I accused not knowing how to feel about this revelation. It just seemed so pathetic and pitiful. At the same time I knew the depths I would go to get Edward back.

"What life are you talking about? When I found you all you could do was beg me to end it all for you. I don't call that too much of a life. So go ahead and hate me because I changed you without your permission because no one should have that choice taken away but don't pretend that I took you away from anything other than pain and wallowing. Yes changing you was done in hopes of making our way back to our family…our family. They were your family as much as they were mine. Edward only left to protect you from us and this life. No matter how much he loved you he would never have changed you. He was willing to give you up to save your humanity and soul. I don't have the same feelings as he does. So yes I figured that if I changed you there would be no reason that you and Edward could not be together. And then there should be no reason why me and Alice could not be together. I was looking out for both if us," he finished explaining to me and I could not help but think that maybe he was on to something.

"Okay so what is your ideas?" I asked willing to look past and forgive anything if it bought me back to my Edward.

"First we need to go pick up our new ids. After that we are going to have to deal with a problem."

"What kind of problem?"

"When I was checking my email there was one from Chief Swan. They found the bloody clothes I left behind but he does not believe that you are dead. I did not have enough time to really set up your death. I just hoped that it would be enough but it wasn't. He said until he finds a body he is not going to stop looking for you. The email was to my whole family asking if we have seen or heard from you. So not only do we have your father to deal with but now we have to deal with the fact that The Cullen's know that you are missing."

"How could you let this happen? There is no freaking way to fix this. Can you not do anything right?" I accused my temper starting to boil.

"After Edward left I did not care about myself. Yes at the end I just wanted to die but what I did not want was to have my parents suffering because of me. Now Charlie and Renee are going to be left wondering what happened to me for the rest of their lives."

"I'm sorry. We will figure it out. I'll work on it during the road trip."

"Why didn't you tell me right away? I have a right to know what is going on in my life cuz it is still my life. I know it is a favorite past time of you people to make decisions for me but I am not some stupid little girl that needs protecting. In fact for most of my life I have not only taken care of myself but my mother and sometimes my father. I know how to handle crap."

"I was not trying to protect you or make decisions for you. I just did not want you making a rash choice to head over to see Charlie. We have rules. Human are not to know about us. Yes you found out and we allowed that to go on but know it could have ended badly for all of us. You can never tell anyone. Do you understand?" he asked all dramatic.

"Yes Jasper I understand you. I have known about you for a long time now and I have never told anyone before so can you have a little faith in me?"

"You and your faith…"

I just smiled at him. I knew that faith was something you either had or didn't. I never had any until I met Edward. Then I had all the faith in the world. I lost it as if I never had it when he left. Now I was starting to get it back learning that you have to have faith in yourself before you can find faith in others. I had faith in myself and I had faith in Jasper.

"So we go to Philly and pick up the documents then what? We head back here?" I asked of him.

"We can not come back here but I'm not sure where we are going to go. I have been trying to locate The Cullen's but so far nothing. I think though now they might be looking for me."

"Because of the email?"

"Yes. At least I think they will."

"But they might not, right?"

"Maybe."

"Because maybe they really don't care about either of us anymore. No matter what we both want to believe the truth of the matter is it is very possible that they just don't want us. Then what?" I demanded.

"What happened to your faith?" he dared ask me.

"I have faith in me; I even have faith in you but after they all left us for no real reason… just abandoned us to suit themselves so no I have any faith in them. I can't speak for you but not only did I love Edward with my whole being I loved the whole family. All I wanted was to be a part of it. I would have could have never done what they did to us," I explained to him starting to see things that my pain had been blocking me from seeing.

"Neither could I."

"Then why are we fighting to be part of that family again?" I wanted to know. Maybe he saw the answer that was eluding me.

"Because I don't know how to survive without her," he whispered quietly only at vampire volume.

"Then maybe we should be working on that issue instead."

With that I left him. I made my way down the stairs and out to the back yard. The sun was just sliding down the sky dripping low on the horizon.

I could feel my thoughts and emotions all over the place. At a time like this I wished that Jasper could send out strong calming waves. No such luck.

I don't know what was wrong with my messed up vampire brain. Every moment since Edward left me alone in the woods all I had wanted was to be back in his arms. All I wanted was to be part of his family.

Now here was Jasper taking me by the hand leading me towards the one thing I always wanted…or that I thought. Now that I was thinking a little more clearly I was realizing that maybe things had not been as perfect as I saw them.

You just don't leave people that you love no matter the reason. You don't hurt the ones you love no matter the reason. True love does not come and go. It was forever. So if that was the case where was Edward?

Jasper should be asking that same question…where was Alice?


	11. Chapter 11

I own nothing.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it – Alan Kay

Chapter Eleven – Blindness

Alice's POV

I was in hell. I was alone in hell. No one knew of the pain and torture I was experiencing. I had been blocking my thoughts from Edward for so long he had stopped questioning me on why I was keeping my thoughts from him.

Not that he cared. He was too busy sulking over what he lost. I wanted to remind him that he had not lost it but had freely and willingly gave it away. He did not want to hear that so I kept it to myself. Just like he kept his opinions to himself concerning Jasper.

Oh my Jasper…how my heart ached for him every agonizing second since we parted ways. I could only imagine what he was feeling. It must be killing him to be alone. I knew how he needed us to help him through his struggles. I could see his sad searching eyes staring out into the darkness waiting and wondering.

I should have told him the truth before we all left. It was the right and humane thing to do but I could not bring myself to. I hoped in the end he would forgive me. I hoped that he would not hate me. I did not begin to hope that he would ever love me again.

It had been my idea to leave him behind. At the time it seemed the only way. Now not so much. Things had not gone the way I hoped. Leaving him behind had solved nothing.

I had always insisted that Bella would end up like us and a member of our family. I would have staked my life on that. No matter how things changed that fact never did. But now when I looked into the future I did not see her. It was not that I did not see her as a vampire I did not see her at all.

At first I thought that it was because I had stopped watching her for months after we left per Edward's request. So when I peeked not too long ago I was shocked not to find her. No matter what I did I could not get a gauge on her future. I had not told Edward that because in my mind the only reason that I could think of was that she no longer had a future to see.

God if he thought that she was dead he would not hesitate ending it all. He had let her go to have a normal life not because he did not love her...quite the opposite in fact. It was breaking him to do that but he loved her enough to let her go. It was enough for him to walk the world alone knowing that she was out there somewhere living the life she was meant to have. But if she was gone he had no reason to remain.

It was not just me that was worried about the future. Everyone was walking around like the living dead, literally. Edward was the worst because well he never really was all sunshine and smiles before but now if his face got any longer it would hit the ground. He never left his room unless it was to hunt which he had taken to doing only when his eyes were as black as coal and he was afraid of losing control.

Rose was being a bitch, well more than normal. She was acting like she had lost her other half, like Jasper really had been her twin. It was ridiculous. She refused to go shopping with as a form of punishment since I could tell she blamed me and Edward for all this. And Emmett well you knew when he stopped playing video games and practical jokes that something was wrong.

Carlisle and Esme were no better though they tried to put on a brave face for the rest of us they mopped around like mournful parents that had lost their children. Esme just drifted around the house usually ending up in the kitchen as if she was waiting for Bella to walk in hungry. Carlisle well he just stayed in his office.

My family was falling apart faster than a house of cards and I had no power to stop it. I knew though if someone or something did not soon there would only be pieces left.

"Family meeting in the dining room," Carlisle announced.

We all hurried from our respective places of existing knowing that something major was going on if we were being called to a family meeting.

When I arrived everyone was seating. Emmett and Rose sitting side by side, Esme and Carlisle seated at the head of the table with Edward seating next to an empty chair just as I was. Two reminders that the family was not complete.

"What is going on Carlisle?" Edward asked which meant that he was blocking his thoughts from him. Not a good sign.

"I received an email. A very upsetting email from Chief Swan…it seems that Bella has gone missing. It has been days now with no sign of her. Bloody clothes were found in the woods but nothing else."

The room was in a complete hushed silence as we all took in what he had said. I knew we were all running different possibilities through our minds. I was waiting for Edward to speak but he just sat there in pained silence as if he did not trust himself to speak.

"Chief Swan is not giving up hope and I don't think we should either. Alice I know Edward asked you not to look into her future but I think he will agree it will be alright," Carlisle explained to me.

All I could do was shake my head no as tears that would never fall danced in my eyes.

"What do you mean no…look into the future and tell me what you see? You do it right this minute or I will shake you until you do," Edward hissed at me his eyes black and dangerous.

"I have already. I know I promised to stay out of it but I wanted to see how she was. I have been looking for days now and I can't see anything," I whimpered.

"What do you mean you can't see anything?" Esme questioned calmly but her expression was one of pain and hopelessness.

"I mean I see nothing but black. I see no future for her," I let out and in the same instance Edward let out a mournful growl. Esme grabbed him in her arms to keep him from running away.

"Has this ever happened before?"

This was what I did not want to tell them that I had been keeping from them for months now. I still did not want to tell them but it seemed I had no choice. It was time that I let my family know what was happening.

"Yes…the same thing happened with Jasper. It happened the day of Bella's birthday party. When I looked into his future that day I saw the same darkness. That was why I did not see him attacking Bella. I still can not see his future. Just like I can not see Bella's. I have no idea why. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. I thought that it had something to do with Jasper. That was why I was all for having him stay behind thinking that he was affecting my powers some way. I figure once we were apart it would go back to normal but it hasn't and now I can't see either of them," I explained to them.

"You got to be kidding me. We left Jasper behind for no reason other than you were experiencing some static with your little power. What kind of a cruel bitch are you? For fuck sake he is your husband, your fucking mate and you choose your gift over him. I can't even look at you right now? I mean if you could do this to him then I shudder to think what you could do to the rest of us," Rose screamed at me. I just sat there and took it. She would never understand since she never had a gift to lose. If I could not see the future than what did I have?

"A never knew something so small could be such a heartless bitch," Emmett uttered quietly as if his thoughts were audible nothing more.

"It is not just Alice's fault. It was a decision we all made together," Carlisle told them in my defense but I could tell that he really didn't believe it. Esme could not even look at me as she comforted Edward.

"Based on her false vision. I would have never agreed to go if it was not for her and neither would have any of you. We are all miserable here. We all miss Jasper…hell I even miss the stupid human," Rose said and I did not need to be able to see the future to know where this was heading.

"And if we feel this rotten imagine what the two of them are feeling. Alice, Edward, I love you but what you made us do was totally fucked up. I want my little sis back and I want my brother back. I really don't give a big flying fuck what you have to say anymore because I am getting them back," Emmett announced, "Who is with me?"

Edward and I were out voted. Rose, Emmett, Esme, and Carlisle all voted to go back to Forks…permanently. It was the first time I had seen smiles since we left.

"Are you two coming with us or are you choosing to stay behind?" Carlisle asked of Edward and I.

"I will return with my family," Edward told him still not looking at me. I hated that. Edward and I were always the closest. Now he seemed to loath me.

"We don't even know if he is there and God only knows what has happened to Bella…I mean she could be…."

"Don't say it. Don't think it," Edward growled at me ready to pounce. 'Just because I don't say it or think it does not make it any less true' I whispered in my mind for him to hear.

"It is a place to start and home to us. Once we get there and see what is going on then we will go from there. Will you be coming?" he asked again becoming impatient.

"Yes," I informed him. I had seen my future and it led me back there. I just could not see what waited there for me.

I was just finishing packing my clothes when Edward walked through the door. His mood was dark as his eyes. This was not going to be a pleasant conversation.

"You need to hunt before we leave."

"Don't tell me what I need and don't need. Not after you lied to me and did not let me in on what was going on with you. Don't you think if I knew you could not see her future that I might have made a different choice? That I might have stayed to protect her. Even after I asked you what you saw after I decided to go you told me you did not see anything bad…"

"I didn't. I told you the truth. I told you she would be in pain and that it would take her a long time to get over you but she would get over you. I stopped looking after that because you asked me to. Up until a few days ago I stayed out of her future. Then I had this feeling that something was going to happen so I looked but I could not see anything, just endless black. I'm sorry Edward," I told him.

"If something has happened to her I would not want to be you," he muttered through a venom filled mouth.

"I know it is easier to blame me but you are the one who decided to leave her, not me. You were the one who broke her heart, not me. You are the one who abandoned her, not me. You are the one who made her think that she was not good enough, not me. You are to blame for all that, not me."

"Maybe I am but who is to blame for all those same things done to Jasper? You are, not me."


	12. Chapter 12

I own nothing.

An optimist expects his dreams to come true; a pessimist expects his nightmares to – Dr. Laurence J. Peter

Chapter Twelve – Silent Scars

We had been driving for over an hour in complete silence and it just wasn't today. I don't think we had spoken more than ten words to each other since last evening. I did not know how much I had come to enjoy her voice until I had been without it.

I had tried to talk to her when I found her in the back yard staring up into the sky. I could image that she was silently wishing on each new star that appeared in the night. I waited for her to look at me or say anything but after hours she just continued to sit there and stare far away. Finally I asked, 'Go for a hunt?' she just shook her head yes and was off. Once we were done, showered and clean she just disappeared again. I did not go looking for her that time.

Then this morning after her stuff arrived she changed and I loaded up my truck. Again I was the one to talk, 'Ready to go?' she just shook her head yes and headed out.

Now here we were in silence.

I was not sure what was going on with her? Her emotions were quite random and all over the place. One minute she was sad, then instantly the next angry. Then she would head towards confused stopping off at pissed. I could only imagine it was from her thoughts being the same way heading from one to the other at warped speed.

"Bella, are you okay?" I finally asked hoping to break the ice.

"I'm fine Jasper. I don't feel the desire to drain the humans passing in the cars. I don't really even notice them," she explained to me her eyes still looking out the window as if she was hoping to find all the answers somewhere out there.

"That is good to hear but I was asking how you were? Your emotions are flying all over the place."

"Sorry…Just thinking about a lot of things," she said softly not indicating she wanted to talk about them. I did not care.

"Feel free to share."

"These thoughts are not fit for another's ears."

"Try me."

"Alright…I am just thinking about how everything Edward ever said or did had a catch to it. He was always setting up his get out of jail free card. Like when I was in the hospital after James and he promised me he would never leave me. Well it came with a condition. As long as it was what was best for me. And he was the one deciding what was best for me. It never seemed to matter what I wanted. He always did what he thought was best for me. Like that stupid birthday party. If he had just listened to me and pretended like it wasn't even my birthday then none of that would have happened. Not that it matters. If it had not been that it would have been something else. He would have come up with some reason to leave me. It was never a forever thing with him. I see that now. And what I am also seeing now for the first time is that maybe it was never meant to be. Like you said he was never going to change me and I was never going to be happy living my life with him human. It was a fight neither of us was going to win."

"But you don't have to fight that fight anymore because you are already a vampire. He does not have to struggle with the decision being right and wrong. You two can just be together."

"You make it sound so damn easy and yes I thought that once but now I'm not so sure. I think maybe too much had happened."

"Things are as hard as you make them."

"So you decided to make things hard with Alice?" she accused.

God she sure had a way of looking at me and seeing right through the bullshit. It made me wonder if she had another gift that I was unaware of.

"What happened to the sweet little Bella I remembered?"

"She died."

"Damn Bella…"

"Well it is true."

"I guess it is," I muttered, "It is going to take some getting use to though this new Bella that has no problem speaking her mind."

"Me too," she giggled, "I have spoken more of my mind in the last few days than I have my whole life. I think that it has something to do with that control issue that comes with being a newborn. Or the filter from my brain to my mouth did not make it through the transformation."

"Sure Bella, what ever you say. Now what were we talking about again?"

"Alice."

"Yes… Alice."

"Come on Jasper I am trying to help you work this shit out. You want her back, right?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Now tell me other than what happened at my party was there anything happening between the two of you?"

"No."

"How come I don't believe you?"

"Seriously there was nothing."

She did not say anything just raised her eyebrow at me. There was the secret special power that could see deep inside me. I did not like it.

"We were not fighting if that was what you were asking," I told her honestly bit then decided to be more honest, "We had formed a quiet understanding I guess you could say."

"Confused here…"

"Before we moved here we lived in Alaska. Things were pretty perfect. We were getting ready to finish another high school and instead moving and starting over we were going to start college. Then Alice just went missing. I only received a simple text saying that she had something she had to do and would be back when she could. She was gone almost three weeks. When she came back I knew instantly she was different. I knew something had happened. She refused to tell me where she had been or what happened. Next thing I knew change of plans and we were heading here," I told her feeling like I was airing our dirty laundry. I was not a fan of it that was sure but if she could help me get Alice back well it would be worth it, "For awhile I asked her everyday what had happened. She brushed me off telling it was nothing. At one point I even went to Edward and asked him if he had read anything in her thoughts. Of course I got the politically correct answer that it was not his place to snoop in her thoughts to appease my concerns. To this day I don't know where she was or what happened," I explained to her waiting to hear the same response I got from everyone else…let it go.

"I can see why you let it go. I would have forgiven anything as long as it meant having Edward with me. Yet I think the problem is that they knew that and counted on it. As her husband you had a right to know what happened. There should be no secrets between couples. Yet it goes both way, you can't have secrets from her either," she lay down.

"I have no secrets from her, never could even if I wanted," I laughed and so did she.

"I forgot the seeing the future thing."

"Yeah kind of hard to hide things from her not that I want to."

"So what happened?"

"Nothing really. I stopped asking her. We went on as if nothing happened. But we both knew it did. so we came to a silence understand not to talk about it," I explained to her just realizing how much it still bothered me and what bothered me the most was that she did not think she could share with me, that I would not understand.

"I'm sorry Jasper. I can see how much this is weighing on your mind."

"I'm living with it," I told her but I was not so sure how well I was living with it. Damn, now I was the one who did not want to talk. I could use the silence.

"But you shouldn't have to," she whispered slipping her hand over mine resting on the gear shift.

Bella's POV

I had just wanted to comfort him. That was the only reason I reached out and touched his hand. He froze instantly as if my hand was made of fire scorching his flesh. All I could do was slowly move my hand away embarrassed.

Well that was a mistake. Note to self, 'keep your hands off of Jasper'. If I could I would run away and hide in humiliation but of course I was trapped in this moving prison with no means of escape. Yeah this was not my idea of fun.

Part of my brain told me to talk to him and the other bigger, stronger part told me to just keep my mouth shut. That was what I did. I returned to my previous station of staring out the window watching the world go by.

What had I learned today that I did not know before, well for one Alice had secrets? I would have not guessed. She seemed so open and honest, having no problems telling you just how it was. I mean how many times did she tell me how horrible I looked. Still I never held it against her because that was just Alice for you. Like I had told Jasper, she counted on it too. I just never saw it before.

I did not know if it was my new vampire brain or that I was slightly removed from the situation that was allowing me to see things so much clearer. What ever it was I liked it. I liked not feeling like vulnerable, guidable Bella that saw the best in everyone.

"We are about half way there," Jasper finally said after another long period of silence.

"Alright," I said not looking at him. I was still too embarrassed. I knew I would never get over that.

"Bella…"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"For what?"

"For caring."

"Of course I care Jasper. Why wouldn't I?" I asked him.

"Well besides for the fact that I tried to eat you on your birthday and then did eat you turning you into the undead I can't think of a single reason," he smirked at me and I noticed that even though it was a smug smile it did worlds to change his appearance. I could not imagine what a full fledge smile would do.

"Those little things, totally forgotten and completely forgiven. So other than that why would I not care about you?"

"I'm not what you think. I've done bad things, I've seen more evil than you can envision," he explained to me causing my eyes to wander to the scars lining his arms peeking out from the sleeve of his shirt. He pulled down the cuff as if that could hide them from me.

"You can't hide them from me you know. I can see them quite clearly and I know what caused them. I just want to know why and then you can tell me why you hide them?"

"Bella you really don't want to know. It is not a fun little bed time story."

"Well lucky for me I don't need to sleep anymore so no nightmares."

"Alright, I will tell you all about my scars if when I am done you tell me all about yours."

"You already know about mine."

"No I am not talking about the one James gave you but the other ones…you know the ones I am talking about."

I swallowed the venom in my mouth knowing exactly what he was talking about but hoping that I would never have to explain what had happened to anyone.

"As you wish, Jasper."


	13. Chapter 13

A/N - I just wanted to say thank you to all the sweet, wonderful people who have read my story and sent me thought provoking reviews. There is no better feeling then to open my email and read your encouraging words. Thanks, a million thanks.

As always I own nothing.

I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't trust you – Friedrich Nietzsche

Chapter Thirteen – Vote

Alice's POV

This sucks.

My whole family was pissed at me and for no good reason I might add. If I had done anything remotely wrong then I could understand but I hadn't. I was innocent. So what if I had not told them I had stopped seeing Jasper's future? Was it really any of their business? Not as far as I was concerned. No one made a big deal when Edward could not read Bella's mind had they? No and why was that? Oh because Edward could do no wrong. He was oh so perfect. Carlisle's golden boy that hung the moon. What a load of crap!

Case in point, Edward decides to leave Bella behind (for no good reason I might add) and everyone picks up and goes turning their lives upside down for him without question. It really was sickening. Especially considering I was being persecuted for the same thing.

Yes I had left my husband. My choice no one else's. It was not as if I thought that it would be forever only until I figured out what was going on. Besides absence made the heart grow fonder. And that was exactly what Jasper needed, some time away from me. Then maybe he would appreciate me little more. Cuz let's be honest I was getting major attitude from him lately. Oh he was always the perfect hubby when anyone was around but when we were alone it was a different story. His constant questions asking me the same thing over and over and when I did not give him those answers he would just stop talking to me. Big whoopee deal. Like I cared. More time to shop.

Oh but I did care that everyone else was mad at me right now though. Surprisingly Rose and Emmett seemed the most pissed at me. They hadn't spoken to me since my verbal lashing from them earlier. Instead they focused on packing. They were the first to leave escaping like bats out hell and from the devil himself…aka me. It was just ridiculous how they were acting.

Carlisle and Esme had left not too long after Rose and Emmett. I was not getting the silent treatment from them just the disappointed parental attitude. That consisted of disapproving glances and huffs. What was said to me was just the necessary things and there was always the undertone to the words. Sure they might me saying, 'we are leaving' but what they were saying was, 'it's your fault we left'.

The guilt trip was not working though. Sure I would act all guilty and say I was sorry to get their forgiveness because nothing was worse than having them mad at me but I wasn't really. I did not feel like I did anything wrong but I was a good actress. I just had to keep Edward out of my thoughts.

And oh dear Eddie boy he had become a real thorn in my side at the moment. Once my closest confidant he was now nothing more than a pain in my ass. Him and his self righteousness. He acted like he was so perfect. Like everything he said and did was the gospel. I mean seriously did he really believe that load of crap or was he just very good at making everyone else believe it. He sure had Carlisle and Esme snowed. Rose she saw him clearer and so did Jasper.

It wasn't that I did not see him for his true self but he had always been in my corner before now so I was more forgiving to overlook his little quirks. And God did he have a lot. First and foremost was that he never thought that he was wrong. You would think that he could see the future the way he stated what was best for everyone. Oh and what was best for everyone was what he thought was best. I honestly don't know how Bella stood him at times.

Oh then there was the little problem that he had evolving. Yeah sure he had been frozen seventeen when he was changed but that did not mean that he could not mentally age. Oh but no he held on tight to those old fashion beliefs. If he would just give in and change her. If he would just give in and sleep with her. The future would have been so different. He was just so unreasonable when it came to his beliefs. And stubborn was not the world. Usually though I could find a way through but not when it came to Bella.

When I think about it there was so much I had put up with from him I could not believe his reaction to me. Blaming me for what was going on, accusing me of hurting Jasper. Did he really think I would have left him if he hadn't decided to leave Bella? Of course I wouldn't. But he had given me a golden opportunity and who I was I not take it.

I mean I really was so misunderstood.

Edward's POV

The yellow lines on the road flew pass me rapidly. Seven thousand five hundred and thirty since I had left for Forks. I had started counting them to keep my mind off of the reasons why I was returning. It was not working.

The worst of it was that I had no idea what awaited me. I was afraid because of that. Though it was not my gift to see into the future I had come to rely on it as if it was. And now when I needed it most I was blind. Blind to where my Bella was and what might have happened to her.

I could not think of that. Since I had no idea what the future held I was determined to believe that everything would be okay. Even when every reasonable thought told me that it was not going to be a happy ending I could not think rationally. Some way some how Bella was still alive. I knew that because if something had happened to her I would have felt it. I would know. How could I not, she was my other half, my soul. I would know, I would just know.

Of course I found it was bizarre that Alice could not see Bella's future but she could not see Jasper's either and we all knew he was fine.

Well at least we all thought that he was doing fine. None of us had bothered to check in on him. I guess we just figured that if something was wrong Alice would see it and let us know. Clearly that was not the case. So honestly we had no idea what was going on with him. He could have taken out a whole town by now for all we knew. I think we would have heard about it on the news if it happened. No news was good news.

When Carlisle called the family meeting to discuss us leaving it was not a friendly discussion. Emmett had been the most vocal, 'Bells is my little sister and there is no way that I am leaving her behind just because Edward got a hair up his ass. Get over yourself and stop with the whining melodrama. Bella is the best thing that ever happened to you and you just want to throw it all away, why? If it is that you just don't have the balls to bite her I'll do it for you.'

That was when Rose slapped him in the head and put her two cents in. 'You can't think that I am upping and leaving again because some malfunction in one of them. I am tired of this shit. Make them grow up and deal with their mistakes. You want us all to retain some humanity well what is more human than having to live with the mess you created. Maybe if just once someone felt the ramifications of their actions this family could function at a healthier level.'

Of course whether or not Carlisle and Esme thought I was making a mistake they voted to stand behind me. That was what parents were for, right? I did feel guilty about what I was doing. I could hear Esme crying in her head the tears that would never fall. She felt the same way that Emmett did. Bella was and would always be her daughter. Carlisle had much of the same thoughts but he was also thinking that what Rose had said had merit. He was thinking this was the last time we were going to do this. After this whatever mess we got ourselves in we were going to have to just deal with it, unless it endangered the family. I would have to remember that bit of information.

Alice she was blocking her thoughts from me. She seemed to be doing that more and more and the only thing that I could think of was she was hiding items that dealt with Bella. I had already talked to her before going to Carlisle.

'Alice?'

'You don't have to say anything. I have already seen your decision to leave. I can't say that I understand why but I won't question you and you don't question me. So you want to know what I see for her future. Are you sure?'

'I have to know if this is the right decision.'

'Fine. You are going to break her heart. She is going to want to die. She is never going to be the same. But she will get over you and she will be happy in the end.'

'Good that was all I wanted to know.'

'It does not matter to you that you are going to crush her very soul?'

'Some times the means justifies the end.'

'I hope you know what you are doing?'

'Don't I always?'

She had just smirked her knowing little smile and shrugged her shoulders before bouncing out of the room.

I did not bother to ask her about my future. I knew what it consisted of…everything that Bella's did with one major difference. I would not get over her and I would never be happy again.

'Alright time to take a vote, who votes to leave?" Carlisle asked.

He raised his hand, as did I. Esme's hand came up slowly reluctantly followed by Alice.

"I take it that you two vote to stay?" he asked Rose and Emmett. They stated yes together, "Well that is four votes for and two against which means that we are moving."

"What about Jasper? Does he not get a vote?" Rose demanded infuriated.

"After what he did, no," I unsympathetically stated halfheartedly adding, "It would not matter anyways. His vote would not change anything."

"Of course not Edward because you are very good at lining up all your men before you make a move to ensure that you get the outcome that you want. So what now, when do we leave?" Rose demanded her icy tone bringing down the temperature of the room just like the good ice queen she was.

"As soon as Jasper returns we will leave," Carlisle informed us. All I could think was that he better get his sorry ass home soon or I would be out there hunting him down like the low down dirty dog that he was. I was never going to forgive him. He had single handily destroyed my life and my future with Bella. If I could not even trust my own family, what hope was there? None that was the answer. If I kept her apart of this family it was only a matter of time before Jasper snapped and that time I might not be there to protect her.

"So when is that Alice?" Rose demanded.

Alice hesitated a moment if she was looking into his future. I tried to read her thoughts but nothing. Why was she still blocking me?

"He has not decided yet."

"Great," I hissed. There was no way that I was going to stick around here any longer. I could not chance seeing her, or smelling her. My resolve was thin, teetering on collapse from the slightest weight.

"If you are in such a big hurry to go then just go already we will wait here for Jasper, right Alice?" Rose told me waiting for an answer from Alice. None of us were expecting the one we got.

"I don't see Jasper going with us," she announced almost too calmly. Not as if she had just proclaimed she was leaving her mate.

"What?" Emmett roared.

"I don't see him going with us and it is not his choice. We are going to vote to separate from him," she explained with no emotions on her face and her mind was still being blocked. Was this what she meant when she said 'don't question me and I won't question you.'

"I don't know what demented shit your brain is producing but there is no fucking way that we are voting to leave him behind," Rose roared manufacturing the response that I would have expected from Alice.

"We have to… for Jasper. He needs this time. He needs the time away from us to deal with his issues. He is never going to get better with us treating him like a child. Stop thinking about yourself for a minute and do what is best for Jasper," she demanded of us like we were the most selfish creature on earth.

In the end we had all voted to go on without him. That was only because it was what Alice advised us was best. Of course we would do what was best for him as we would for any member of the family. I'm not sure how I would have voted but I know everyone else would have voted for him to stay. But we could only go on the information given us. Nobody had reason to disbelieve anything Alice said. We had never known her to lie.

Yet now I could not help but wonder if we had been lied repeatedly. You would think that would be impossible since she was predicting the future and it not coming true would showcase her lie. Yet Alice had an answer for that. The future was ever changing. People change their mind and the future changes. Wasn't that so convenient?

Even after she explained to us everything about her reasons I still did not know if I believed her. Why would she leave Jasper just because she could not see his future? Why would she not tell him, tell me, hell tell Carlisle and try to figure out what was causing the problem?

No I knew there was so much more going on with my devious little sister. I would find out too. Even if she blocked her thoughts from here until the end of time I would discover what she was hiding from us all.


	14. Chapter 14

I own nothing.

Never look back unless you are planning to go that way – Henry David Thoreau

Chapter Fourteen – Show and Tell

No matter how many times I told this story it never got easier. It never became just a memory. If I was human my heart would be thumping, my palms sweating, and my breath hitched but I wasn't so there were no visible signs that I was fucking freaking out.

For whatever reason telling Bella all the gore details of my past was harder than ever before. Maybe it was because when I saw the disgust and revulsion on her face I would know the true extent of my existence.

Fuck when did I become such an emotional pansy? Man up, Whitlock.

"I joined the army when I was seventeen. It was an honor in my day to fight for your country. Boys lied just like I did to be able to join. I was a natural. It was my calling. People naturally gravitated towards me looking to me for leadership. I rose quickly through the ranks becoming a Major in the Confederate Army. I enjoyed my job and I was damn good at it. If things had turned out differently I believe I would have been a career military man."

"I bet you looked good in your uniform," she just blurted out. I did not bother to respond as I felt her embarrassment spike. I just smirked and continued.

"I don't want you thinking that this war was all fun and games. I watched men die in front of me. Some would say that they were the lucky ones. War is hell. There was never enough of anything, food, clothes, etc. from the simplest things like men sleeping on the ground out in the rain with no blankets. Wounds were bandaged up half assed and they were sent back out to fight. A man might have to walk miles with no shoes but you did not complain because just about the time you did you would come upon a man with no feet or even a leg. I could not have imagined anything worse but you know what they say, things can always be worse."

I took unnecessary settling breaths and let my mind slide back to memories that I only wished I could forget but they were forever a part of me. I once thought that they were the only part of me that remained. That I had lost anything that resembled my former self becoming nothing more than a weapon of war. I still was not sure that was not all I would ever be.

"It was late one night. There were rumbles of an imminent attack from the enemy. I was out patrolling. That was when I came upon them. They seemed to come out of nowhere almost floating through the night. I proclaimed them angels sent from the heaven. I never saw such beauty. I was in awe, completely stunned speechless."

"They were dazzling you," she told me.

"What?"

"They were dazzling you. That is what I use to call it when Edward would look at me and everything else faded away as if his eyes were hypnotizing me. He was dazzling me," she explained to me.

"Yeah that sounds like Edward… fucking dazzling," I laughed shaking my head at the thought of Edward going around dazzling people. I had to tell Emmett that one. At the thought of my absent brother I stopped laughing.

"They were talking but I could not understand. Then she smiled at me. 'What is your name?' Major Jasper Whitlock.' 'A major are you? I think that you are going to be just what I was looking for.' Every sane part of my brain told me to run but I was unable. The thing was before she ever touched me she already owned me. I had been right, she was an angel. She was the angel of death and for three days I burned in the depths of hell," I choked out feeling the inferno as if it was happening all over again in that moment.

"Jasper I don't have to hear this. It is not important. It is the past and what does the past matter?" she told me not having to be an empathy to know that revisiting my history was causing me an excess amount of pain.

"No you wanted to know and I am going to tell you. For both our sakes I will leave out the haunting details and just give you an overview," I told her knowing neither of us needed that. The quicker we got pass this the better, "Maria was her name. She changed me in more than one way. She made me a monster and I am not talking about becoming a vampire. Just like the rest of the country the vampires were at war. Unlike the humans who fought for grand ideas such as freedom, justice, and patriotism the vampires fought for something a little more selfish. The more land they controlled the bigger the source of food they had. And Maria she wanted it all. I was the first step in getting it. After she changed me she taught me to fight. I was a natural just as I had in my human life. She also discovered my gift and trained me how to use it to her full advantage. Once I was ready we started building an army. Just like me she hand picked the members. When all was said and done we plowed through covens. It was nothing but a blood bath. Humans and vampires alike. Nothing had a value. That went on for decades. Changing humans to vampires to kill vampires, then killing those vampires when they no longer were useful. It just became too much for me. The blood, the fighting, the greed, and gluttony. Not only did I see it all, I felt every single emotion. Can you imagine feeling the agony of someone as you drain the last drop of blood out of them? Or the torture of changing, burning from the inside? I can imagine no worse hell."

I could feel myself shaking as images I did not want to see flashed rapidly through my damaged mind. Not able to take it anymore I turned down an old deserted road. The truck had no more than stopped and I was out, running into the small thicket of woods.

"I'm okay," I whispered as I heard her coming up behind me. I could feel her worry and concern. I could also feel her guilt.

"You are okay Jasper? You are a wreck. I don't think you ever dealt with this. I know you have never let it go," she accused and I wanted to laugh at her.

"It is not something that you just let go of. Even if I wanted to I carry hundreds of little reminders that I can never escape. I am covered in scars, battle wounds to forever remind me of all the vampires I killed before they could kill me," I reminded her not bothering to try and hide them anymore. I wanted her to see and know.

"I know you look at your scars as something horrible and ugly but I think they are something to be proud of."

I raised a questioning 'are you fucking nuts' eyebrow at her.

"No hear me out. Scars are like a badge of honor. A road map of all the places you have been and all the things you have seen. Each one a story and a visual reminder that yes you have been through some shit but you made it out. Whatever happened you survived and you are stronger for it. You think you are weak Jasper but you are not. If you ever doubt that all you need to do is look at yourself. Do you think a weak man could have made it out of hell? And even if he did do you think that he would be anything other than a monster? And you are not a monster. Like you said it was war and war is not pretty. You did what you had to do to survive. Not only did you survive but you made it out the other side. You are an amazing strong man. Your scars don't change that, they are proof of that."

I looked at her for the catch, the but…yet all I felt was concern, understanding, awe, and love. For a moment I let it all melt away filling myself with how she felt. It warmed me and made me smile. Then I felt electricity. I scanned my arm for the source coming upon Bella's finger tracing the crescent bites.

"Bella?" I whispered as she continued to trace my scars one after the other sending lighting bolts through me as she did.

"Why do you hide them? Are you ashamed of them?" she questioned still not looking at me as I stared dumbfounded at her.

"I never can really hide them completely. Humans never really see them but as you can see there is no hiding them from us. But no I am not ashamed of them. I may never get over what I did, what I was but I did accept it. Others well…" I trailed off wishing that she would stop touching them. It was unnerving to have her doing it.

"Are you talking about your family or just vampires in general?"

"I don't have to say or do a thing and other vampires know not to mess with me. I would not call them a badge of honor but they are a neon blinking sign that announces 'don't fuck with him' and no one does. As for The Cullen's they know me and so it does not bother them, well except Alice," I told her thinking in all the time that we were together she had never touched me once like this treating my scars as a disease that she was afraid to caught if she did.

"Why?"

"You know how Alice is. She likes everything perfect and they are reminders that I am not."

"That is such a load of bullshit and you know what if she was here I would tell her that. No one is perfect. We are not dolls to be dressed and posed to suit Alice. If I want to wear sweatpants and a tee-shirt every day if the week that is okay. Just as okay as if you want to wear a short sleeved shirt or no shirt at all. We are not perfect; we will never be perfect, none of us even as vampires and that is okay. When you love someone you have to love the scars and all," she explained to me her anger subsiding as the rant ended.

"And when you love someone you make sacrifices."

"Yes but it should not be your happiness."

"Is that right? Well then how about we talk about your happiness and how about we start with your own scars."

Bella's POV

I was hoping that he would forget about that but stupid vampire brains never forget anything. As much as I did not want to divulge into my story I knew he was not going to let it go. And besides he had told me all his dirty little secrets and it was only fair that I did the same.

"It is strange not to have my scars anymore, well except the one," I said rubbing the one that matched Jasper's. It use to feel cold but now it was the same temperature as the rest of my body.

"You were covered in them," Jasper announced.

"Yeah well you know clumsy Bella was not a short term thing. I was born that way. I was always my own worse enemy. If there was something I could fall off of, trip over well I did it. Some times there was nothing there at all, just my two feet to cause me damage. I don't remember how old I was but social services were called after I ended up in the ER one too many times. They thought that Renee was abusing me based on how many bruises and injuries I had. But I know those are not the scars that you were referring to," I told him just buying time telling him the other stuff. He already knew that I was accident prone, "I don't have to tell you how I was after you all left. You could see that for yourself when you found me. I was even worse in the beginning. I was catatonic for awhile. Charlie was beside himself. He tried everything. It was not until he threaten to send me away that I showed any emotions. I freaked out. Told him there was no way that I was going anywhere. I couldn't leave."

"Because what happened if they decided to come back and you were not there," Jasper explained. Of course he understood we had been through the same experience. He understood my reasoning.

"Charlie agreed to let me stay only if I made an effort. I agreed and started living two different lives. There was the pretend Bella where everything was okay and the real one where nothing was. I lived on automatic most of the time. I tried not to feel anything because all I could feel was pain," I tried to explain. It was easier than I thought. It seemed I had lost some of the raw anguish with the change. I still felt the pain but it was duller now letting me finally see beyond the hole he left in my heart.

"I was cooking Charlie dinner one night. I was not paying attention lost in my own wallowing thoughts. The knife sliced into my finger spilling my blood. Do you want to know how sick I am? My first thought was vampires. I was totally and completely freaked out about vampires and their bloodlust. You have to understand that had been my main thought since I met you and your family," I told him waiting for him to comment but he just stared ahead looking out into nothing so I continued, "As I stood there watching the water turn red as I washed my finger I was overwhelmed with the thought that I did not have to worry about it because you were all gone. I did not come out of my room for three days. I really feel like something snapped in me during those days. It was like I lost all hope that he was ever coming back and without that hope there was no reason to go on."

I got up to pace now. I was embarrassed, ashamed by what I had done and not something I wanted to share with anyone. It was hard to go back to lowest point of my life. I was worried what he would think of me?

"I tried to kill myself…more than once," I just blurted out. He still did not look at me but I saw his whole body tense.

"Bella…"

"I know it was wrong, stupid and a multitude of other words but as I said I had lost my mind. We all have a breaking point and that was mine. Still I could not go through with it. I was worried about Charlie finding me. That being said I went from trying to kill myself to courting death. I knew what was out there. I knew what liked to hide in the woods. So I hiked through them going deeper and deeper each time hoping that my blood would tempt someone to come and end it all for me," I said hearing a low growl from Jasper, "You wanted to know. Just like you said it is not a nice little goodnight story. I wanted to die. I wanted the pain to end. So I hiked into the woods and pulled out a pocket knife and cut myself. The first time it was a small barely there cut. Blood and I don't go well together so I was not sure how I was going to handle it but I had no problem. I was proud of myself for that. That I was taking control of my life, my future. It was the only thing I felt I had control of. So each time the cut got bigger, deeper. I knew it was wrong but I could not stop myself. It is hard to explain but each time I cut myself there was no pain just this feeling of achievement. I know I turned into the movie of the week but you have to admit that in the end things turned out the way I wanted them to…mostly."

"Yes Bella there was a psycho vampire lurking around in the woods. I had been out hunting when I smelled the blood. I recognized it instantly. I went running not to hurt you but fearing that you were hurt. As you know that did not turn out too well."

"My first instinct was no it hadn't. I wanted death. I wanted a one way ticket out of this life. Instead you gave me a new life. I don't think that I got to thank you for it. I thought I wanted to die but all I really wanted was a new start," I told him walking up towards him.

His body was still tense as he sat perched on an old tree stump. I stopped in front of him as close as I could get without touching him. I waited for him to look up at me but he kept his head low staring at the ground.

"Jasper look at me," I demanded but still he remained still as a statue. I wanted to scream at him to stop being so ridiculous. But if I knew nothing else about Jasper it was that he was a man of action not words.

I reached out and grabbed his chin forcing him head up to look at me. I forgot all about my new strength and pulled with a little too force. It was good I could not blush any longer because I knew I would be seven different shades of red.

"Sorry, forgot my own strength," I smiled and amazingly enough the man of stone did too, "You really should smile more you are breathtaking when you do," I blurted out receiving that raised eyebrow from him again. How can a man say so many different things with just the raise of his eyebrow? It was like it spoke a secret language of its own.

"What? You really are Jasper. You have to believe me when I tell you that," I tried to tell him wishing he could see what I saw, "I know you have been through and seen enough pain and sorrow to last a thousand life times but you have to let it go. Just like I have to let go of my baggage. Yes it will always be a part of us but the load is getting too heavy to carry. We both deserve a fresh start. We both deserve to be happy. From this moment on both of us are going to move forward not looking back, agreed?"

"Do I have a choice?" he smirked at me.

"No so let's get out of here and start our future, wherever it may lead."


	15. Chapter 15

I own nothing.

The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination – Don Williams Jr.

Chapter Fifteen – 50th Street

The rest of the trip was considerably different then the first half. Instead of the unnerving quiet the truck was filled with a new found easiness. Conversation flowed between us as effortless as if we had purged the past there in the woods walking out looking towards the future. It was a nice happy thought but I was not so sure that it was going to be that easy. But for now I would take it. I knew she was right; it was time to let it all go. I was not physically tired but mentally and emotionally I was spent.

It had felt like I had been living forever holding my breath and I was now finally breathing in the sweet aroma of a new spring. It had not escaped my thoughts that I was back in Philadelphia the place of my last fresh start. It seemed this city had become a place of purification. Let it wash away the past. I was now starting with a clean slate. Well as soon as I said good-bye.

"See that little diner that looks like it is stuck in the 50's," I asked Bella as we turned the corner. It was surreal to be there. It honestly did look like nothing had changed since the day I stumbled in there.

"Is that the diner?" she asked.

"The very one."

"Do you want to go in and look around?" she asked knowing how important this place was for me. It was a symbol of the most significant change in my life.

"No. She is not in there waiting for me this time so what would be the point?" I explained to her struggling with this part.

"Jasper can I ask you something?" she asked playing with the cuff on her shirt. She was nervous which meant the question was something I would not want to answer.

"Sure."

"It is about Alice. Well I was just wondering what is going on? Are you still planning on trying to get her back?"

"I don't know."

"Well do you still love her?" she asked taking me back. I had not expected her to ask that. That really was the only question that mattered wasn't it? Leave it to Bella to cut right to the core of the problem.

"Alice changed my life. She was my life for such a long time. No matter what I am always going to love her but I just don't know if that means that I am in love with her anymore. I guess I am working on that still myself," I admitted to her suddenly feeling guilty for voicing the thought that had taken root in my brain recently.

"I know how you feel. I know that I am always going to love Edward. He was my first love and he changed me irrevocably even after he was gone. Once I thought I would never get over him, that it was impossible to go on without him but slowly I am starting to see there just might be something else out there waiting for me. Something better. Not to diminish anything I had with Edward it is just when I was in the middle of it I could not see all the less than perfect parts."

"Oh God don't let him hear that."

"I'm not saying that he isn't perfect just that together we were not perfect. He was looking to save me and though it might have seemed like I needed to be save that really isn't who I am. I've always been very good at taking care of myself and anyone else who needed me too."

"So you are telling me that if Edward was sitting here next to you begging for another chance that you would tell him no," I questioned thinking that she was very good at talking the talk but could she walk the walk. It was easy to claim you are over someone when you thought it was over.

"Like you I don't know. I do know there is no going back. We will never be what we were. That being said I don't know if we could start over and be something else. But seriously Jasper do you see Edward anywhere around here begging me for another start? He was the one who left me. He is the one who told me that he didn't love me. I have to let him go just the way he let me go," she told me and everything she said was right on except one small detail.

"Edward did not leave because he did not love you. He left because he did love you. He wanted you to be safe. To move on with a normal life," I told her thinking she needed to be reminded of that.

"I don't care what he told you or even what he told himself. If Edward loved me he would not have left," she explained to me her anger spiking.

"So if leaving means that someone does not love you anymore than I guess that means Alice doesn't love me either."

"I did not say that. Alice is not Edward."

"No but I am like you because even though I didn't want to admit it I have known. When Alice left I knew it was because she didn't love me. I don't care what she said or her reasons," I finally said out loud giving life to my thoughts.

"If you really believe that then why? Even if you got back together would you ever be happy knowing that she really didn't love you, that she could up and leave you in the blink of the eye?" she challenged.

"I can't see the future. I have no idea what is coming and what road my life is heading down except down 50th street. So how about we just let the future happen and face the here and now, okay?" I told her. For so long I knew what was around every corner, what the next moment would bring. There was no excitement, no wonder. I was looking forward to the ride. What do they say, 'it is not the destination but the journey'.

"Okay but only because the here and now isn't so bad."

The meeting with Mr. Robert Coleman was quick and easy. I handed him the money and he handed me the envelope of papers. We had been doing this for too many years to count. We kept it short and to the point.

Bella was quietly waiting in the parking garage. We were the only ones there making it easier to leave her there for the few minutes I was gone. I could feel her nervousness pouring off of her before I even got there.

"Here you go… you are now Bella Whitlock," I told her. She was careful as she pulled out several documents, "There are a birth certificate, social security card, a passport, a driver's license, credit cards, high school diploma, and bank account. You have everything you need to start over."

She fiddled with the papers staring at her picture on her passport. I could feel her emotions going haywire. I knew this was not easy for her and having the evidence that you were now someone else in front of you was overwhelming.

"Do you remember what you told me? That we both need a fresh start. Well Bella this is your fresh start. From this moment on you get to be anyone you want to be. You can do anything you want to do. You have a second chance with a clean slate," I told her thinking that I had the same thing, well maybe my third or fourth chance but still I had the same opportunity.

"It is so strange to be staring at this picture of me…a me I don't recognize who has a name that is not mine own. Yes my brain is aware that yes it is me, the new me with the world waiting for her but I am not ready for the world yet," she explained to me stuffing the documents into her bag.

"How about you save the world for another day and focus on some place smaller, less intimidating," I told her receiving a small smile from her as her anxiety tickled down.

"Like where?" she asked turning slightly to towards me. I did the same so we facing each other. My knee came to rest next to hers. My first reaction was to pull it away but when I felt no weirdness from her I left it there content in the feeling of another.

"Well if you could go anywhere, any place at all where would it be?" I asked her watching the wheels in her head start to turn.

"Don't you mean any place that is not warm and sunny?" she corrected with her sly smile.

"Yes I guess we are limited in where we can go. It can always be worked out to visit just about anywhere but to live full time we are going to need some cloud cover."

"Alright… well what about Alaska?"

"Alaska?"

"Sure, why not? Awhile ago you know before I had been looking at the programs at University of Alaska in Anchorage. They have a pretty good English program and so when I decide to go back to school that would be nice. We don't have to worry about sun or people there either."

"Any place else that you would like to go?" I asked thinking if she really wanted to go I would go but it was not on the top of my list.

"What is wrong with Alaska?"

"Well…"

"Oh I totally forgot that was where you were before and that was where something happened with Alice. I am sorry I wasn't thinking. Bad idea. We are looking for a fresh start not a trip down memory lane. Okay then how about someplace in Canada? I've never been at of the country."

"Sounds good. There are a ton of small towns there that we can hang out in for awhile until you are ready to be around large groups of people and then we can head to a bigger town. I don't think we have to worry about hunting either. We should have a wide variety of wildlife. St. John might be a nice place to consider settling in. It is the cloudiest of all the major cities. They get only about 1500 hours of sun a year. There is also a university there so it would be perfect for you," I explained my brain starting to plan the next steps we would have to take before leaving. Hell maybe we should just play it by ear I thought and then suddenly I felt her emotions slamming into me. They were completely off the charts. Fear, worry, abandonment, and a shit load of other emotions filled up the small space.

"Bella?"

"This is what you want, right? I mean you are not just going to take me somewhere, get me all settled in and then one day when I'm not looking disappear. I mean you are going to stay with me forever…right? You wouldn't leave me all alone with no one like he did, would you?" she begged.

"I'm not going to leave you," I told her wondering where this was coming from. Had I given her the idea that I was thinking about dumping her off in the middle of nowhere and say, 'have a nice life'.

"That was what he said but he did. And I know that I have no right to ask that of you. I just don't think I would survive left all alone on my own with no one to talk to or laugh with. God I know how I am sounding and I hate that I am not strong and independent. I should be okay to be on my own but I'm not," she whispered slightly shaking in her fear of being abandoned again, "You are all I have."

"And you are all I have which means we have each other. I promise that I am never going to leave you, okay?" I asked her as she slowly shock her head yes. Relief and happiness filled her.

I was not prepared for what happened next as she hurled herself towards me wrapping her arms around me. I know it was for no other reason than comfort but as my arms encircled her I could not help but feel the warmth that poured off her body onto mine. I had never felt anything like it before. I would have sworn that she was still human there was so much heat.

"Thank you Jasper," she whispered lifting her head to look down at me with her haunting eyes. There was something raw in there that screamed for release. I could tell from that look in her eyes that she was going to need to hunt again soon. Yet there was something more there. Something that she seemed to be blocking from me.

"Bella?" I asked moving closer.

"Yes Jasper…" she answered dipping her head lower.

I wanted to ask her what was happening because I could feel something was and it was big. You know those moments that you have when you look back and say, 'remember when (fill in the blank)?' well this was one of those moments.

I reached out to tuck a few loose strands of her glossy chestnut hair behind her tiny little ears when I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket. After how many months without a single call suddenly in this moment someone decides to call…just perfect.

Bella leaned back but did not move from my lap as I dug out my phone. Flashing in big bold letters there it was. Part of me wanted to pretend I never heard it and shove it back in my jeans but the other part knew that there was no hiding so I flipped opened the phone and said,

" Hello."


	16. Chapter 16

I own nothing.

Children in a family are like flowers in a bouquet: there's always one determined to face in the opposite direction form the way the arranger desires – Marcelene Cox

Chapter Sixteen – Welcome Home

Rose's POV

We were the first to arrive back in Forks. Nothing had changed. I think we could come back in twenty years and nothing would have changed. It was just one of those places the rest of the world forgot about which had always been good for us. We had only packed enough for a few days which Emmett told me should not take eight cases. I reminded him one of them was just his video games and if we needed to lighten the load feel free to remove that one. He hadn't said a word since. This was good because I was not in the mood to answer fifty million of his silly little questions today. I had more important things to deal with, namely Alice.

I still did not know what was wrong with her. I wanted to ask Carlisle if vampires could flip their lids but I did not think that he would appreciate that. But seriously what was wrong with her? When had she started lying to us? When had she started keeping secrets? How had she done either of these things in this family? Worse of all was her attitude. I was not an empathy like Jasper but I still could read her well enough to know that girl was not feeling an ounce of remorse. Speaking of Jasper I wondered as we stopped in the driveway if he was here.

Emmett was inside quick as shit carrying his suit case of games. He had it sat up and was in the middle of the first level before I got inside. I had to smile at my big boulder of a man that was really nothing more than fluff. I could not berate him for how he was. There were times that I wished I could find that level of pure happiness in the little things. I knew I never would and I was thankful I had him to live through.

Shit I had been living with Edward too long. Thank God he was not around to read that sappy shit or I would never live it down.

"Jasper has been here and recently," I told Emmett who was now swearing at the TV.

"I know. I can smell him but I smell someone else too," he let slip out before he went back to killing vampires. Man was my whole family sick and twisted.

He was right there was the scent of another vampire in here. At first I thought that it might be Peter and Charlotte but no it wasn't them. It was one I had never smelled before. A search of the house gave me no clues.

By now I heard Carlisle and Esme pull up. That meant that Edward and Alice were not far behind. I met them at the door wanting to fill them in before frick and frack showed up.

"Jasper has been here and within the last few days."

"Yes Rosalie we had a nice trip here. Thanks

for asking," Esme simply said reminding me of my manners. If ever there was a person designed and destined to be a mother it was her. She never missed a beat.

"Sorry. It is just that he was here. I'm not sure if he was here the whole time which doesn't make a lot of sense because why would he hang around after everyone left."

"Maybe he was waiting for us to return," Carlisle stated as he scanned the house.

"Do you really think that he has been hiding out here all this time? I mean seriously? And if he was why did he leave now?" I questioned trying to work all this out in my mind.

"Probably the other vampire," Emmett announced.

"What other vampire? What is going on?" Edward demanded as he walked in followed by Alice. Great let the fun times begin.

"It seems Jasper has been here from what we can gather probably since we left. He is not here now but his scent is strong so we believe he only departed within the last few days," Carlisle explained.

"Tell them about the other vampire," Emmett said. I swear he just lived to stir the pot.

"There has been another vampire here just recently and not for long. The smell is focused in the third floor guest room as is Jasper's. I'm assuming that was where he was staying. The smell is fruity which leads me to believe that it was a female and none we know," I told them trying to hide my smile as Alice's eyes bugged out and her high pitched voice hissed, "What?"

"Looks like Jasper is banging another vampire. Jasper is getting some, Jasper is getting some and it's not from his wife," Emmett boomed laughing. That was enough for me as my giggles started.

"Emmett that is quite enough," Esme scolded but I could tell she wanted to laugh too. I mean I was not one to promote sleeping around on your husband or wife and if Emmett even though about it well let's just say he would never be sleeping around again…EVER. You can't glue it back on if you can't find it. That being said after Alice's shit, well she really did not deserve any loyalty.

I knew that Edward was reading my thoughts as his sour face scowled at me. 'She doesn't and you know it. She fucking left him for no reason. But then again I'm sure you would side with her since you are two fucking peas in a pod. You don't think anything of leaving the ones you love behind, do you?'

His eyes darkened to black and a low growl escaped his mouth as he moved towards me. Emmett was in front of me in a second. I wanted to tell him that I could take care of myself but fuck there was nothing sexier than a man protecting his woman.

"Back off Eddie boy. I don't know what got your knickers in a twist but pull them the fuck out and back off," he demanded. God I loved him.

"Instead of worrying about me you really should be working on a way to control your wife. A woman really should know her place and yours clearly doesn't. Jasper never could learn that lesson either and look what that got him," Edward threw out in the air in sighting different reactions from each of us, none good.

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, you should be ashamed of yourself. I raised you better than that. How dare you imply that a woman is lesser than a man? That she is a piece of property to do with as he pleases. To do whatever it takes to control," Esme choked out and I knew that she would be weeping if she could.

"I'm sorry," he whispered his head hanging low.

"I'm ashamed of you Edward. How could you say anything remotely that hurtful and insensitive? You know what Esme has been through and still you spoke such hateful words," Carlisle accused as he held Esme in his arms trying to comfort her. I don't think that I ever saw Carlisle scold Edward before but he had gone too far this time.

"Seriously Edward why don't you just try getting a woman first before you start handing out advice. Fuck if that is the way you think then you did Bella a huge favor walking away," Emmett told him walking back to his game.

"Can we get back to important matters now like me? I mean seriously you stand there and accuse my loyal husband of cheating on _me _and then just skip on to other things. I mean come on I know I can't see his future but I don't need to. He would never and I mean never cheat on me. He loves me no matter what," she declared and I was not sure if she was trying to convince us or herself.

"Are you sure of that?" I asked pushing her buttons was my new favorite thing to do.

"Of course I am and unless you have some proof I suggest you drop it."

"I don't have any proof. All I know is he was here with a girl in the bedroom. Only in the bedroom. Now I know you are not as bright as the rest of us but no matter how you put two and two together the answer is always going to be four."

"You are a bitch."

"Takes one to know one."

"Alright that is enough from all of you. I don't know what has gotten into you all but I have had enough of it. We don't know what happened here. Until we do let's just drop it," Carlisle told us rubbing the sides of his head trying to calm himself.

"I'm calling Jasper. He will clear all this up then won't you look like a big fool," Alice announced.

"Wait. I agree we should call Jasper but I just don't think it should be you to do it," Carlisle told Alice. Yes! Go Carlisle.

"I'll do it," Emmett said, "He likes me the best."

"No Emmett you can not be trusted. I will call him," I said knowing the moment Jasper picked up what would come out of his mouth, 'so dude who's the vamp you are banging? Is she hot?'

"I am going to be the one calling Jasper," Carlisle told us. He whispered something in Esme's ear and then was gone up to his study. The only sound proof room in the house.

Fuck. Now how was I going to know what was going on?

"Babe, want to kill some bloodsucker with me?" Emmett asked. What had I ever done to deserve this I thought?

Carlisle's POV

It was times like this that I understood why people choose not to have children. It was a good thing that I could not die because I am sure they would have driven me to my grave long before now. Poor Esme. She was a wreak between worrying about them all and trying to keep a smile on her face.

That Edward. When I got him alone he was going to get one tongue lashing from me. I expected more out of him but lately he was disappointing me more and more. I don't know what was wrong with him and now was not the time to waste trying to figure out.

Jasper was my first priority and then we would focus on finding Bella.

We had all done so wrong by them. I feared we would never be able to make it up to them. In my heart of hearts I knew we did not deserve to be forgiven but my highest hope was one day I would receive it from them both. I just hoped it was not too late.

"Hello Jasper this is Carlisle."

"Hello."

"It is good to hear your voice. How are you?"

"I'm just fine. What can I do for you?"

"I would like to see you. There are some things that have come up that need to be discussed."

"Right now is not a good time."

"I understand that you are still hurt and anger over what we did and you can never know how sorry I am for that. We know it was a mistake but certain things were said and done to make us believe it was the only choice. We now know different. We are back in Forks. Would you please consider coming and talking to us? If after we talk you decide you do not want to stay with us then we will not hold you back," I asked of him knowing I was asking a lot. Jasper was a proud man and we had hurt him deeply.

"Is everyone there?"

"Yes we are all here waiting your return. There is much to discuss."

"I don't think it would be wise considering."

"Are you with someone else?" I asked. When he did not answer I added, "We can smell another vampire has been in the house. You were here until recently, correct?"

"Yes."

"We have also figured out that it is a female. So if you are with someone that you continue to be with and that is the reason you don't want to come back I am telling you whoever it is well is welcome in our home, your home. We will figure everything out once the family is all back together. So will you come?" I asked. Boy if he really was with another woman I was asking for more trouble then I could handle telling him it was okay to bring her. God what would Alice do? It did not matter though because as much as she was my daughter and I wanted her to be happy, Jasper was my son and he deserved the same happiness.

"I will call you back and let you know."


	17. Chapter 17

I own nothing.

You never find yourself until you face the truth – Pearl Bailey

Chapter Seventeen – Decisions

Jasper's POV

Well this was a new and fun development. I knew at some point that I would have to deal with whether or not to go back but I just did not think it was going to be so soon. Carlisle had said that there were things that had come up that needed to be dealt with. I had no idea what that could be. I did not think that he was speaking of Bella. And I was sure that they did not know that I had changed her. They were however aware that there had been another female vampire in the house with me. I could only imagine what they were thinking, especially Alice. Was it wrong of me to hope that she was suffering just a little?

What to do now? I mean this was what I had wanted more than anything…well just a week ago. Now I was not so sure. I was not sure that I was ready to go back and face the family and the wife that had left me behind as if I mattered nothing. I was starting think maybe I never would be. Maybe I was ready to move on…maybe or maybe not.

Things were not so bad now. In fact they were pretty okay. I had Bella and she had me. We had each other. We were about to start over moving on with our life. I felt hope in that. I felt a rightness in that as if this was what was meant to happen; that every thing had led us to this point.

Or they were leading us back home. I wasn't sure what one. I wasn't sure of anything any more.

"Are you going back?" she asked snapping me out of my own thoughts.

"I do not know."

"Do you want to go back?" she asked me.

"Bella this is a decision that we are going to make together because if I go back that means that you are going back too. So do you want to go back? Are you ready to face Edward and the rest of family? Are you ready for them to find out that you are one of us now?" I asked her causing her to slip off my lap and huddled back in her seat.

She was still shutting off her emotions from me. Normally I would be grateful for the peace but I found that all I wanted was to know what she was feeling. I could imagine that it was mirroring my emotions of fear, dread, pain, and mostly confusion.

"Tell me what you are thinking?" I finally asked too impatience to sit and wait for her to open up to me.

"I'm very conflicted. Part of me wants to stick with our plans. I was looking forward to a fresh start; to getting away from everything that I was and becoming someone else. Then there is the part of me that thinks will I ever really have a fresh start if I don't deal with my past. When I say deal with my past I mean telling Edward goodbye. I never did get to tell him goodbye. I'm just not so sure that it's necessary anymore," she explained then added, "But if, well what if I go back and…"

"And you don't want to leave?" I finished for her.

"No that is not what I am afraid of. What I am afraid of is that you won't want to leave," she announced more like a question than a statement. Even if her words had not asked the question her eyes did.

I wanted to tell her that was not going to happen but I could not do so without either lying to her or lying to myself. I had no idea what was going to happen if we went back. And neither did she. That was why we needed to go back and figure it out. If I could not look at her and 100% tell her that I could move forward without looking back then it was never going to work.

"I think that I need to go back. That is just me. I should not care about what any of them have to say but there is apart of me that wants to know why. It might not affect me at first but it will wiggle its way slowly under my skin. And if it really is over between me and Alice then I want to look her in the face and tell her that. Then ask for a divorce," I told her waiting for her reaction.

"So you are still in love with Alice?" she demanded as if I was betraying her in some way if I was.

"As I said before I don't know and I need to know."

"I would think either you know or you don't. Seeing her shouldn't change that."

"Really? So you know without a doubt that you do not love Edward anymore," I questioned of her.

"I do love Edward but I am not in love with him. Seeing him would not change that fact," she told me and I knew she was lying not just to me but to herself as well.

"I'm happy that you are so sure of everything especially when just minutes ago you told me you were conflicted. You are the one that thought that you needed to deal with your past."

"I thought I did but clearly I have."

"Well I haven't."

"So you are going back."

"Yes and honestly if you do not want to then you don't have to," I told her watching her face drop.

"What about me? If I don't want to go and you go then where am I going to go?" she asked in a panic.

"I'll take you to stay with my friends Peter and Charlotte. They will take good care of you while I go back to see the family."

"You would just drop me off at strangers like some pet that needed to be fed and go on for a visit with the family that deserted you and then what? What if you get back together with Alice? What is going to happen to me? You just forget all about me? You forget about our plans?"

"It is not like that at all. It is completely your choice not to come with me. I want you to come with me. But if you don't I am only trying to give you some place to stay. Peter is not a stranger. He is my best friend and you would love him. And if I did decide to get back together with Alice you know Carlisle and Esme would be thrilled to have you there."

"Wouldn't that all be so cozy. Yeah living with the people that left me without even a goodbye. At least they told you goodbye. And let's not forget about my ex-boyfriend. That would be so much fun living in the same house as him. One big happy little family. We can play brother and sister or better yet I'll just beg him to take me back so that I won't have to spend the rest of my life alone without anyone to love me. Even if I don't love him because that would be better than facing the world without someone. Better than risking opening myself up to something new. You know what Jasper I don't want to talk to you right now. You go running back to them like a good little lap dog," she hissed her anger boiling. I had never seen her like this before. Honestly I did not know why she was so upset. This could not all be about me going back. I mean it was not like I told her she could not come. It was her choice.

"There is no reason to act like that. It is not fair for you to expect me to just put my life on hold for you," I shot back feeling like she was painting me the bad guy. How was I the bad guy?

"You are right Jasper there is no reason for you to waste another moment on me. You go back to your perfect little life with your perfect little wife and your perfect little family and live the rest of your perfect life without spending a single second thinking about me. It should not be a problem for you. Your family does not seem to have a hard time forgetting people exist just dismissing them when they don't matter anymore to you," she threw at me hoping her words would slice through me like razor blades and they did.

"Bella that is not fair."

"You want to talk about fair then let's talk about fair. Was it fair that you sunk your teeth into my flesh determining what the rest of my life would be? Was it fair for you to make me think that there was a chance to start over? Was it fair that you told me that you would not leave me and then one little call from them and you forget I exist? Yes I think all of those things were fair. At least based on your families shaky set of standards."

"Wow I just don't know where all this is coming from."

"You know what fuck you Jasper Hale… Cullen… Whitlock or whatever your fucking name is. I am better off without you. Drop me off at your friends and go on with your life."

She turned away from me facing the window and shut down. Nothing was coming through her shield as she blocked herself off.

I did not know what to say to her to make it better without disregarding what I wanted. And I was not willing to do that. I had learned that from my time with Alice was that giving up what you want just to make someone else happy just makes you resent them.

So no matter how mad Bella was at me I needed to do what I thought was best. I had too many unresolved issues with Alice and the rest of the family. Until I dealt with them no matter what I said I was not going to move forward. Hell I did not know what the outcome of my trip back would be but I was going back.

Bella's POV

Was I never going to learn? I deserved this for being so stupid. Why did I think Jasper was going to be any different than the rest of the family? Because he had said he would stay with me. So had Edward. I guess I just thought that Jasper was different. I had hoped he was different but I had been wrong like always when it came to this family. I kept hoping that I was going to matter but I never did. It was just pathetic at this point and I was over being needy and clingy.

I had no idea what I was going to do now. The two things that I wanted to do I could not, curl up in a ball and cry and cover my head and sleep. Instead I had to suffer all on the inside. And I would suffer in silence. There was no way that I was going to show Jasper how much he had hurt me. Yes he knew I was mad but he had no idea how betrayed I felt.

I could understand that he had unresolved issues. I had them myself though they were not with Edward. My main issues right now was with Jasper though.

I had just started feeling like I could trust Jasper. I had gotten past him changing me without my permission thinking that it was meant to happen. That everything that had happened was leading us somewhere, to a place we belonged. I thought that we were kindred spirits of sorts or maybe just the black sheep of the family. Not that I had ever truly been a part of the family no matter what they claimed. It was just that I thought I matter to Jasper. Clearly I did not. I had just been a means to an end. Just a vehicle to get back to The Cullen's and Alice.

"Bella are we going to talk about this?" Jasper finally said after a few hours of uncomfortable silence.

"What is there to talk about?" I asked still refusing to look at him. It seemed like when I looked at him it was harder to keep my control and I needed to focus on not letting him feel what I was feeling.

"I know that I have hurt you but I did not mean to. I just need to go deal with my family. I need some closure. And even if you are one hundred percent sure that you are over Edward I think that you need some closure too. I think you need to look Edward in his face and tell him what he did to you when he left and then tell him that he did not break you. I also know that you have issues with the rest of the family. I just think that you are trying to avoid them," he explained to me like freaking Dr. Phil.

"I am avoiding them because I don't think that seeing them will change anything. I don't think that anything I would say would make an ounce of difference to them. They would have to feel bad for what they did, that it was a mistake and I honestly don't think they do. Somehow, someway they would find a way to justify what they did. So if that is the reason that you are going back you are going to be disappointed."

"Maybe I will. Maybe it is the biggest mistake of my life to go back but I will never know that if I don't go back and I will then always wonder. So I am going back to face it. Good or bad, right or wrong. I want you to come back with me too. I want us to face them together. Them against us. I don't want for us to be apart," he threw out and then added, "I don't know if I can do this without you," he told me so softly that I turned to look at him.

"You are just saying that to get me to come with you," I accused.

He looked at me as if I offended him be even thinking that. How could I not consider that was the reason he was making this heart felt demand?

"I don't play those kinds of games. I am asking you to come because I want you to, because I need you to. So will you come with me?"

Will I come with him? I wanted to tell him instantly no yet I didn't. Why was that? Was it because I did feel like I needed to go back and just did not want to or was it something else?

"Against my better judgment I will come with you but I have one condition."

"What is that?"

"Let's take the scenic route."

"We can't put it off for too long. Carlisle is waiting for an answer."

"Then call him and tell him that you will be there in a few days."

"Then where are we going to be spending the next few days."

"I was thinking Peter and Charlotte's. Oh and don't think that things are fine with us just because I agreed to go. I am still mad at you."


	18. Chapter 18

I own nothing.

Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over – Gloria Naylor

Chapter Eighteen – Unexpected Visit

After a quick call to Carlisle explaining that I would indeed be returning home but that it would be a few days before I was able to make it I called Peter to tell him that I was coming for an unexpected visit.

"What's up? Long time no hear. What trouble did you get in now and how much is the bail?" I heard on the other end. I could not help but smile. It was good to hear a familiar friendly voice.

"Why is it that every time I call you think I am in trouble?" I asked and knew what he was going to say before he said it. We just had that kind of connection. He was my brother in a way that no one else ever would be.

"Because you always are."

"I think that you have it the other way around."

"Let's just call it a draw. So seriously what is going on?" he asked his tone saying more than his words as if he knew this was not a friendly call.

"I was thinking about coming for a visit."

"Really, no shit? When? I haven't seen you in what like five years. How did you get Alice to agree to that? I don't want to know do I?"

"It's been over six but who is counting. As to when well in like fifteen minutes. I was in the neighborhood," I told him.

"Like fuck you were in the neighborhood. Charlotte is going to be over the moon. But shit man could you have given me some warning. I didn't have time to hide the credit cards. Her and Alice can do some damage especially when they are together. Was that part of the deal, unlimited shopping?"

"Alice is not with me," I had to tell him.

"Well that explains that," he said pausing as to figure out what to say next, "Oh well my bank accounts is thankful for that bit of information. Alright I'll see you when you get here."

"Peter there is just one thing…I'm not coming alone."

I could hear twenty million questions running through his head but I did not give him a chance to ask them as I cut the call off leaving them to be done in person.

As soon as I made the turn into Peter's driveway I could feel Bella's emotions spike. She was nervously chewing her bottom lip as she destroyed the hem of her shirt.

"Stop worrying. Peter and Charlotte are both going to love you and you are going to love them."

"I'll take your word for it."

Peter was waiting on the porch for us when we made it down his long winding driveway. Folded arms and a frown was not the welcoming I was hoping for. He looked like a disapproving parent and we about to get chewed out. Bella just stared at me as to say, 'I thought he was going to love me.' I just shrugged my shoulders and hoped for the best. You just never knew what to expect with Peter.

"How is it that you get uglier and uglier every time I see you?" Peter questioned.

"Just don't want you to feel bad," I told him as we shared the typical manly hug. It was good to see him. It really had been too long and being around Peter always brought me back closer to who I use to be.

"So are you going to introduce me to this gorgeous woman?" Peter asked and I knew Bella would be blushing if possible.

"Peter this is Bella, Bella this is Peter. Where is Charlotte?"

"Boy is she pissed at you. Thank God for vampire speed because she is flying around the house cleaning. Come on let's go in and let Bella and Charlotte meet so they can get to know each other and then we can talk," Peter informed me and I knew he had a lot of questions to ask me.

We found Charlotte cleaning the spare bedroom who chewed me out for staying away so long, then not giving them any notice, and finally she hugged me, "Let's all go sit down in the living room. We have a lot of catching up to do."

We sat chatting for a little while. Peter and Charlotte told us about what they have been doing including the numerous trips to every corner of the world.

"How do you travel so much? I mean…" Bella asked innocently.

"You mean how do we not gobble up all the poor people in the airplane? Like I always say it is easier to resist a steak if you just had one. I mean just because you eat beef does not mean that every time you see a cow you go attack it," Peter explained as he had many times before to me. I saw his point.

"I can see that you decided to become a vegetarian like Jasper," Charlotte commented to Bella, "Have you found it difficult to switch over?"

I could see that Bella did not know what to say to her as she looked to me to help her out but it was Peter who spoke.

"She is a newborn. Only a week or so I would guess."

"You are wrong Peter. There is no way that she is a newborn," Charlotte challenged and for good reason. She had been right there side by side with Peter and I as we created and fought newborns. She knew how newborns looked and acted.

"I know that it is never in my best interest to disagree with you but you are wrong. How much do you know about Jasper?" he asked Bella and I wondered where he was going with all this.

"He told me about his past," Bella simply said.

"Hearing about it and seeing it is two very different things. He was not always this mild mannered vampire that you see now. Once he was a force to be reckoned with… a fucking god of war is the only way to explain it. Maria knew what she was doing when she changed him and put him in charge of her army. I was always glad that I was on his side. Not only was he one mean son of a bitch he never lost. His scars prove that. One fucker after another came to take him down but no one ever could touch him. He probably could have taken down a whole army by himself but he did not have to because he had this little knack for picking humans that once changed were badass. Whether amazing warriors, an extra gift, or whatever each of us were a little special if I don't say so myself," Peter explained to her filling her in a little more about my past. I thought he was pumping up the story but Bella looked enthralled by each and every word he spit out so I did not tell her that.

"You have a special gift?" Bella asked looking like a little girl in awe. It was quite cute.

"Not like you. See I just know things. Nothing certain. I don't know how to explain it. Information just finds a way into my brain. The moment I met you I knew what your powers were. You are a shield who is totally badass but you also have something a little extra. When you were human would you have said that you were an old soul?"

"I was born forty, well that was what my mom always told me," Bella laughed.

"Alright well let's just say you were born forty as a vampire too. Do you get what I am saying? You have skipped over the whole newborn state. You will never experience that hell of a year when you feel you have no control over anything. I'm sure Jasper has noticed it too but he wasn't sure how to rationale it though we have seen it before but only once. Do you remember Thomas?" Peter asked me which of course I did. It was not something that I ever liked to think about.

"You know I do."

"Who was Thomas?" Bella asked.

"Thomas was a vampire that Jasper created. The point of creating vampires was to take advantage of that first year when their strength was unparallel. After they lost that strength they were killed. Thomas was different. When he was changed he had none of the traits of a newborn. He had control over his strength and his bloodlust. He had retained most of his human memories. It was if he had retained more of his humanity then most. That did not work with Maria's plans so she sent Jasper to kill him just two days after his change. I think that was when Jasper started to feel like there was so much more out there then the fucked up shit we were living."

"Because he had retained so much of himself I felt so much more with him. His death was like experiencing mine own all over. It was the beginning of the end. I just could not take it."

"Yeah it was just two weeks later that Jasper got the order to kill Charlotte. I could not let that happen since I had fallen in love with her. Jasper had befriended me so instead of killing her he let her and I go. We spent the next few years living as nomads seeing there was more to this life then war and killing. That was when we came back to tell Jasper. He agreed to come away with us but he just became more and more depressed with the business of feeding off humans. Well that was about the time Alice came a long promising him a whole new life and as they say the rest is history."

"Where is Alice?" Charlotte asked.

"She is with the rest of the family. We are going to be heading back there after our visit here," I explained not telling a lie.

"Alice left Jasper," Bella blurted out of nowhere. Fuck why had she done that.

"What?"

"She did not leave me. We have just been taking time away from each other."

"Jasper don't lie to them. He's in denial. Here is the truth. I use to be a human and as a human I met and fell in love with Edward, Jasper's adoptive brother. If you have met him you know he is a control freak who was forever worried about me being a frail breakable human especially after James a tracker almost killed me. Then on my eighteenth birthday Alice threw me a party where I got a paper cut opening a present. Jasper had some control problems and tried to attack me. We have since come to the conclusion that it was because he was feeling all of the bloodlust of the whole family. Well after that Edward decided this was not the life for me and that he did not love me. So him and his family packed up and left but not before they decided that Jasper was a liability to the family. That was months ago. I fell apart. I mean really fell apart and well Jasper found me in the woods and changed me. Now Carlisle has called and asked Jasper to come back to deal with some family things. They do not know about me yet. I think it is a mistake to go back but he is determined to go," Bella informed them summing up the last few months of my life. God it sounded so pathetic.

"Bella I don't think that Peter and Charlotte want to hear all our problems."

"Hell yes we do. This is so much better than boring TV. This is like a fucking vampire soap opera. What should we call it, The Old and The Undead, or these are the Fangs of Our Life."

"We don't even have fangs Peter."

"Which is fucked up if you ask me? We totally got the short end of the stick with the sparkling instead but that is a whole other conversation."

"He has issues with the sparkling. You know that Jasper so just ignore him," Charlotte told me.

"Sparkling is weak and you know it. So is skipping out on someone you are suppose to care about so tell me what really is going on?" Peter demanded.

"Bella pretty much told you everything. Alice just said that she had seen that us separating was what was best. What was I suppose to say?" I said still not knowing what to say about the whole situation. After all this time my brain still had not wrapped itself around her reason for leaving me.

"Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. Fuck her. Seriously man…me and Charlotte have been together way longer than you and Alice and been through some ruff shit but never once did we think about separating and do you know why? Because we love each other and because we know that being apart would just make everything worse. I'm glad that she is gone. I never liked her," Peter announced.

"Fuck man that is not called for," I told him. He might be my best friend but Alice was my wife.

"Sorry man but you know what I told you from the beginning….Alice was not right for you. I tried to explain that to you. You just never believed me."

"Why would I? You don't know everything. You just think that you do."

"Not everything but you know that when I say something that it is not coming out of left field. I wouldn't have told you that if I was not 100% sure. Alice was right. You two breaking up was for the best. It might not seem like it at the moment but it is," he explained to me and I knew there was more that he was not saying but he did not give me the chance to ask.

"I'm going to go take Miss Bella hunting. We need some bonding time. That will give you two some time to catch up. Don't worry I'll take good care of her," Peter told me before I could even get the words out of my mouth. Shit he might not see the future but some times it sure felt like it. I don't know how he did it but he did know shit.

Bella's POV

I had to admit I was nervous to be alone with Peter. I had no idea what he was going to say to me but I knew he wanted to talk to me about something. I assumed that it had something to do with Jasper.

"So Bella watcha you wanna talk about?" he said smiling at me like he had a secret to tell me or like he was waiting for me to spill my guts.

"You brought me out here for some reason so why waste time playing games. What do you want to talk about?" I demanded. It wasn't Peter but I had just gotten sick of people not saying what was on their minds. Did everyone filter their thoughts?

"I knew I was going to like you from the minute I saw you. Alright let's get down to business. What is going on with you and Jasper?" he asked taking me back. Okay maybe Peter didn't filter.

"I don't know what you are talking about."

"Of course you do."

"Honestly I don't really know," I sighed, "Right now I am mad at him because we were going to go to Canada and start over but then he got the call from Carlisle and decided that he had to go back. I disagreed so he offered to drop me off here with you guys."

"So that is what this was about. I knew there was more to this friendly little visit."

"Not really. I finally agreed to go back with Jasper with the condition that we take a little side track here. I don't know that much about you other than Jasper said you were his best friend. I was hoping that if we came here that you could talk him out of going back," I told him.

"Well first off I'm going to tell you that I know Jasper and when he has his mind made up that is it. Nothing I could say, nothing anyone could say would change that. Second him going back is a good thing. Don't look at me like that. I know things remember and I know this is the best thing. He needs to go back and deal with Alice. He won't be able to move forward until he does."

"So you are saying that if he goes back that he is going to be able to walk away from Alice?" I questioned looking for him to give me certainty.

"I'm not Alice…I don't see the future. What I am saying is that you have to let him go. You have to let him control his own life and make his own decisions. He needs to take back what he gave away. Once he is whole again then he will be able to be the man he is meant to be. Do you understand what I am saying?" Peter asked me.

"Yes and no but I have a feeling that you are not going to tell me anything else."

"Correct but you are a smart girl. I have faith that you will figure it all out and do the right thing for him and for you," he smirked at me.

I wanted to tell him don't have faith in me. Just tell me what was meant to happen. Tell me what was going to happen when we went back but he was not going to. I think he was enjoying making me suffer…just a little. He seemed to be the type of guy that got off on that type of shit. But I still liked him.

'Can I ask you a question?" I asked him. I had no idea if he would answer me but what the heck.

"I'm an open book."

"Well it is about Alice."

"Ask."

"What do you have against Alice? I did not think there was a person alive who did not like her."

"I'm not alive so that accounts for that. As for Alice she just always rubbed me the wrong way. I never liked the way she treated Jasper. It was always like she was his mother trying to kept her child in line or he was her pet on a lease. There was never any equality in their relationship. Alice was always in control which for someone like Jasper is masticating. Just let's say that she is the wrong girl for him and leave it at that," Peter told me and I knew there was more he could tell me but something stopped him.

When I heard the sound of someone coming up behind us I figured that was the reason.

"Is this a private conversation or can anyone join," Jasper asked coming up to sit in front of us.

I think he was nervous about what Peter might say to me. He tended to want to keep stuff locked away private and Peter knew things as he said. He knew things about Jasper that no one else did.

"You can have her back. I'm going to go check on my wife. That means don't come home for awhile, if you know what I'm talking about," Peter announced his laugh lingering as he rushed off.

Once Peter was gone we were left sitting staring at each other. It was clear that we both had questions that we wanted to ask the other. The problem was neither of us was great at this communicating stuff. We both had a bad tendency to keep our feelings and thoughts bottled up inside.

"Bella." "Jasper." We both said at the same moment which sent giggles out of me and a deep smile out of Jasper.

"Ladies first."

I took a settling breath and began.


	19. Chapter 19

I own nothing.

People talk about "dysfunctional" families; I've never seen any other kind - Sue Grafton

Chapter Nineteen – Conversations

Rosalie's POV

"I just wanted to let you all know that I have spoken to Jasper and he will be returning home within the next few days," Carlisle informed us finally emerging from his office.

"Where was he? Was he with anyone? Is he okay?" I questioned. If he had just let me be the one to call him I would not have to waste my time asking these questions.

"We did not have much of a conversation. I don't believe that he was in the right frame of mind to discuss what was happening in his life right now."

"He asked about me though, right?" Alice demanded to know as if there was no chance that it was not the first words out of his mouth. She really was a piece of work.

"I'm sorry he did not. I'm sure he is waiting to speak to you in person," Carlisle told her trying to soften the blow that Jasper hadn't given a damn about asking how Alice was. I mean seriously did she think he gave a shit about her after what she did to him?

"Of course he can't wait to speak to me in person. I am sure that there are many other things he can't wait to do with me in person," she giggled and her high pitched voice was like nails on a chalkboard. God I wondered just when she had become so irritating? When had I started to dislike her so much?

"Yeah like slap you senseless," Emmett added. I smiled at him thinking I was going to have to reward him later for just being him. He really did have this special way of saying just that right thing at the most perfect moment.

"You better watch it Emmett or I'll be slapping you," Alice threatened. Emmett just laughed but I was not going to let it go.

"Listen just because you don't have your own personal whipping board anymore does not mean that you get to attack my husband."

"That is enough all of you. I have had more than enough of this bickering between you. We are a family and we need to act like a family. Now I am going to go and speak to Chief Swan about what we ALL can do to help with the search for Bella. Behave yourselves," Carlisle instructed as he exited the house.

I waited until I was sure that he was out of hearing distance before I started in again on Alice.

"When Jasper gets back here you are going to tell him everything and I do mean everything and you will be doing in front of all of us," I explained to her.

"Like hell I will. I'm already planning a little getaway for us so that we can talk and reconnect in private," Alice explained to me smugly as she picked up a magazine flipping through it as if anything I had to say to her was just boring her. I wanted to whip that magazine out of her hands and beat her with it.

"Like hell you will. There is no way that I am going to let you get him alone so you can tell him what you want him to know and fill his head with more of your self-serving lies. Jasper is going to know all your dirty little secrets. I will personally tell him about your plotting and scheming to get what you wanted," I told her knowing what she had planned. Alice was always good at painting pretty little pictures of how she wanted things to be. I just never knew before recently that she was lying to make sure things turned out the way she wanted.

"God stop acting like Mother Fucking Teresa. You are far from perfect."

"I might not be perfect but what I am is real. If I don't like you I don't pretend I do. If I think you are acting like a bitch I tell you. I am not a devious, calculating bitch that hides her feelings or who lies to people's faces. I am real and you my dear little sister are not."

"You tell her Rosie."

"Shut up Emmett," Alice yelled, "I'm sorry Rosalie. I really am but I did not marry a man dumber than a box of rocks. There is no reason for you to pretend anything, to lie about anything because he would never know the difference."

"You little bitch," I hissed leaping for her but before I could reach her two familiar strong arms encased me.

"Come on Rosie baby let's get out of here for awhile. The stink of corruption is overwhelming my delicate senses," Emmett announced leading me out of the house but not before I left Alice with a final thought.

"We are not done."

Carlisle's POV

I would be relieved to be out of the house and away from my bickering children if it was not for where I was heading. I was not sure how this meeting was going to go. I was not looking forward to it for many reasons.

How do you console a parent that had lost a child, their only child? I could not imagine the heart ache. I did not even want to think about it. As troublesome as they could be causing me untold amounts of stress I could not vision my life without each and every one of them.

Pulling up Chief Swan's cruiser was parked in the driveway right next to Bella's truck. I took deep breaths as the reality of the situation slide over me. Bella was not going to be in there when I went in. She was gone. The beautiful sweet girl I thought of as my own daughter was gone.

Charlie looked like I felt, lost and mournful.

"Chief Swan."

He didn't speak as he moved aside letting me in. He walked past me to the living room dropping on the couch popping a beer. He motioned for me to sit.

"Want one?" he asked.

"No thank-you."

"I didn't expect you to show up here. It was not necessary."

"It was necessary. Bella was like family to us and once we heard all we could think about was what we could do to help. Has there been any news?" I asked.

"Nothing. It is as if she was abducted by aliens. She has dropped off the face of the earth. Every fucking one wants me to believe that she was killed by some animal in the woods but would there not be something left of her? There isn't. She is just gone," he moaned and my heart broke for him.

"If there is anything we can do just let us know. We could bring in some extra crews to do more searches and I have contacts through out the world. I could send out her information hoping that she just ran away," I told him not knowing what else to do.

"It is so nice of you to come running offering all the help your money can buy. And why is that good doctor? Do you think that offering your help now will ease some of the guilt over abandoning my daughter? Well you know what…it won't. The agony that your family and your son put my daughter through can never be undone. In one swoop her best friend, her other family, and her boyfriend was all gone. It broke her. My daughter no longer lived. She was just a shell. So don't come running now asking how you can help. As far as I'm concerned your family killed her long before she went missing," Charlie accused as he down the beer his eyes lined with tears he was trying to hold in.

"I truly am sorry for any pain we caused Bella. It was never our intension."

"Yeah well the road to hell is paved with good intentions isn't it? Welcome to hell doc."

I left after that. Nothing I would say or do would help and my mere presence was just causing him unneeded pain. I could not help but think about the things that he had said to me.

How culpable were we in what had happened to Bella? Had our decision to leave her somehow set in motion the disappearance of Bella? I was not sure if we would ever know but the guilt settled inside of me as if as Chief Swan had said we killed her ourselves.

"Carlisle?" Edward questioned as I came walking into the house. I had started blocking my thoughts miles before I arrived home.

"Yes Edward?"

"Did you talk to Charlie?"

"Yes I met with him. There is no new news. I offered my help if there was anything I could do. Right now there is not. I am sorry," I told my son wondering if any of us would ever have any closure when it came to Bella, especially Edward.

"This is all my fault. I am to blame for whatever has happened to her. All I wanted was to protect her," he moaned sorrowful.

"I know but you can't go back. You did what you believed to be best and I know what it cost you to leave her. You just have to move forward. That is all any of us can do. "

"There is no moving forward. I don't want to see another sunrise if she is not here to see it with me."

"Edward stop being so overly dramatic. I know you are hurting but crawling up in a ball wishing to end it all is far from the answer. If you feel like this is your fault and that you didn't do right by her go out and fix it," I informed him not able to handle his whining at the moment. I just had too much going on right now to indulge in his self deprecating rant.

"What can I possible do?"

"Figure it out."

Rose's POV

Emmett and I were just walking up to the house when Edward came huffing out like someone had just pissed in his Volvo.

"What's got your pea coat in a bunch?" I asked him as he stormed passed us.

"Mine your own business."

"Come on _Edward_ you know in this family personal business does not exist. So what is going on with you now?"

"Carlisle just got back from seeing Chief Swan. There is still no news about Bella. She is just gone."

"I'm sorry bro. I feel for you. I really do. Bells was family," Emmett consoled.

"And you know what we do to family right…we throw them away. Drop the act Edward. Playing the grieving boyfriend would come off better if you hadn't discarded her months ago in your vain attempt to save her soul. You should be celebrating. You got your way. She's dead Edward and you saved her soul so she could live forever in heaven instead of forever with you," I told him sick and tired of him playing the victim.

The low growl that started in the bottom of his throat and headed out his mouth was meant to scare me but I was anything but scare. I could take him and even if I couldn't I had my own personal body guard stepping in front of me.

"Don't think about it. Just walk away. I don't want to have to rip your head off."

"Fucking do it. Rip my fucking head off and light me on fire. I want you to. Come on big man," Edward hissed pushing Emmett.

Emmett just shook his head in disgust and started walking towards the house.

"Pathetic," I mumbled as I walked passed him which sent him off running with his tail between his legs.

"You know Rosie baby you got to stop picking on Edward and Alice. One of these times I am not going to be around to protect you."

"I don't need you to protect me. I can take care of myself especially when it comes to Alice and Edward."

"I know you can baby but can you please let up. I haven't had any peace and quiet in days. It is starting to affect my video games scores."

"The whole family is falling apart around you and all you care about is video games," I accused my temper rising.

"No not just video games. I care about other things too like sex. Which we haven't been having enough of lately either if you want to know."

All I could do was slap him upside the head.

"What was that for?"

"Just for being you."

"You're so mean," Emmett huffed running up to our room with that sickening puppy dog face.

Oh crap now I was going to have to go have sex with him.


	20. Chapter 20

I own nothing.

Song for this chapter - Emerson Drive I'll Die Trying

A kiss seals two souls for a moment in time – Levende Waters

Chapter Twenty – Detours

Bella's POV

"I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry that I was acting like a spoiled little brat because I did not get my own way. I am sorry I butted my nose into your business as if I had any say in your life. It is just that I feel like I need you to be happy. I feel like it is my business, even if it really isn't. I don't know how or why but I just have this intense connection to you in a different way than I have with anyone else before," I confessed to him feeling like by me keeping this all in it was just making things worse. If he knew where I was coming from and what I was feeling then he would understand me and my reactions more.

"Bella we do have a special connection. Have you forgotten that I gave you this new life? My venom is flowing through you. Part of me will always be with you. I'm always going to be there for you no matter what," he said with such conviction that I had no choice but to believe him.

"I suppose that would explain all these feelings I have been having," I told him unsure if that explained everything I was feeling. I mean even when we were fighting I felt better that I was with him. I felt like he understood me even when he disagreed with what I thought.

"I know you are worried about me getting back with Alice and forgetting all about you but that honestly is never going to happen. We share something special that no one can change. I swear I am always going to be there for you. You are always going to matter to me."

"I feel the same way about you Jasper," I told him not able to imagine my life without him. It had been such a short time but it felt longer as if we had been together forever. It probably was that venom thing.

"Does that mean that you are not mad at me anymore?" he grinned.

"I'm working on it."

"So when do you think you want to leave?" he asked appearing on edge.

"I guess we might as well go after we say good-bye to Peter and Charlotte. I want to get it over with sooner rather than later."

We said our goodbyes to Peter and Charlotte with the promise that we would be back for a longer visit soon. I knew that I had found a new friend with Peter. Charlotte was still on the fence I think not knowing yet if she really liked me or not. I understood.

"Take good care of him," Peter whispered in my ear as he kissed my cheek goodbye. I just smiled and nodded as we pulled away.

The drive started out quiet both of us lost in our own thoughts concerning heading back home. All I could think about was the saying 'you can never go back home' and that they said that for a reason. That was because something happens when you leave…you change. You become someone else. Life happens. But then you go back and everyone expects you still to be the same. I was not the same.

I had changed more than they could ever imagine. I was not talking about my biggest change of all becoming a vampire. I knew for the most part that they would be accepting of the change. After all Alice had said that she always seen me as one of them and no one ever betted against Alice…not even Rosalie. Rose of course would not be happy but that was just because she didn't like me and the thought that I might be around to bother her forever would be too much. And then there was Edward. It would be impossible for him to get pass this. This was the one thing he didn't want most in the world, well maybe second to me that was. He would struggle and he would yell but for once there was nothing that he could do about it. The decision, the choice had been taken out of his hands. He would have to get over it. He didn't have a choice.

No the changes I was talking about was the internal changes that had happened to me. The biggest change was I had lost my innocent. That girl who believed in fairy tales and love was all that matters died a slow painful death over the long agonizing days that I withered in pain after Edward left me.

Now I was someone else. Someone stronger. Someone more cynical and jaded. Someone who had found her voice. Someone who would fight for what she wanted and believed in. I was no longer Isabella Swan I was now Bella fucking Whitlock. And Bella Whitlock was going to be a force to be reckoned with.

"What are you smiling about?"

"Nothing. I was just thinking about how much I have changed in such a short time. I feel like a completely new person, a stronger person. I just realized that I like who I have become,' I told him flashing him another smile.

"That is really all you can ask for isn't it…happiness with yourself. What do they say you can't love someone else until you love yourself?"

"Do you love yourself, Jasper?" I dared to ask.

"I'm working on it."

"If you need some help just let me know."

"Will do."

I went back to thinking quietly to myself. My mind drifted to the unenviable moment when I walked into that house coming face to face with The Cullen's. I should have insisted that we stay at Peter's longer.

"How did you go from happy to annoyed that fast?" Jasper asked.

"Easy… I was thinking about seeing them again."

"Oh. Yeah I am not quite ready for it myself. Too bad alcohol has not effect on us or we could go throw a few down to dull the pain."

"That is a great idea. Even if we can't drink we should go."

"Why?"

"I don't know. Just somewhere to go, something to do. Come on," I almost whined.

"No Bella that is a bad idea. You can't be around humans."

"Sure I can. You heard Peter I don't have to worry about that newborn phase. Besides we have to test my resolve around humans sooner or later. I vote for sooner. Come on it will be fun."

"No Bella."

"Yes Jasper. You owe me for going back with you. Look there is the exit for the next town. We will find some out of the way little club. We won't stay long," I explained to him flashing him a smile that meant to weaken his resolve.

"Alright I concede."

"I knew you would."

"Don't get too cocky there. You don't have me wrapped around your little finger yet."

"Yet is the key word," I smirked at him and he reward me with his own.

Jasper drove around passing by different bars and clubs finding something wrong with each and everyone until finally he pulled up to a building that was nothing more than a shack.

"Really Jasper?" I questioned.

"I am granting you your wish but we are going to do it my way. This place is far enough away from everything else that if something was to happen the damage would be easily contained. There is a limit amount of people in there. Better to start out small when introducing you to humans. Also I don't see us having any trouble getting in. Here…" he said handing me an ID, "Same as the other one but this one makes you twenty one."

I just raised my eyebrow to him questioning.

"You can never be too prepared. Alright when we go in there if for one second you feel like you are losing control you have to let me know."

"Have a little faith…then have some fun. Okay?" I told him hoping out of the truck.

He had been right there was no one waiting at the door to check our IDs. The inside of the bar was as bad as the outside. There were only ten people in there including the waitress and the bartender.

"You okay?" Jasper asked the moment that we walked in.

I could not deny that the smell of them was mouthwatering. Venom pooled in my mouth and I had to shallow over and over. Each one smelled different and better than the one before. All I could think about was how wet and warm it would feel to have their blood flowing down my throat.

"Bella are you okay?"

I could hear their heartbeats drumming in a sweet melody pumping their blood through their alcohol filled veins causing the temperature to warm up. It would be so easy to drain all of them. The alcohol had slowed their reflexes and thoughts. I could probably drain them all before anyone noticed what I was doing. And this location was perfect. No one around to see us come or go.

"Bella answer me…"

I was deciding who would be first. The small dark hair girl sitting with the tall dark hair guy both in their early thirties. They both smell wonderful. Or maybe the waitress. She smelled like citrus…sweet yet tangy. And just when I decided on the lonely looking man sitting at the bar that smelled better than all the rest the thought hit me. Each and every one of these people belonged to someone. They were someone's father or brother. A daughter or a lover. They all mattered to someone. They were needed by someone more than I needed them.

"That's it Bella we are leaving."

"No Jasper. I am going to be just fine. Really I am. Let's go get a table. The one in the far corner will be good," I told him not waiting for him to agree.

Jasper sat down next to me. His face was masked in a hard shell. I was not sure if it had to do with me or with his own control issues.

"Are you okay?" I asked which seemed to crack the mask.

"It has been awhile for me since I have been around humans too. I spent these last months hiding in the house. I guess this was a good refresher course for me too. How about you? I know you were struggling when we walked in. I could feel your desire, your hunger but just as sudden as it came it went. Resolve took over."

"I did want them. It was so powerful. The only reason I stood there was because I could not decide who I wanted first. Then I started to think about the fact that these people all have someone that loves and needs them. I could not take that away from them. That trumped any of my needs or wants. How about you? How do you stop from taking a sip?"

"Well it would not be a sip but I don't want to ruin people's life and I don't want to disappoint my family. Mostly I want to be better than what I use to be. It is a struggle each and every day. It always will be Bella. Even when you think you have it under control someone will cross your path that tests you resolve and control."

"I'll watch your back if you watch mine?"

"What are friends for?"

The waitress finally arrived over to take our order. Jasper ordered two beers. She never asked for our IDs. I think she was too busy drooling over Jasper to care. She never took her eyes off of him. It was sickening. I wanted to slap her. It was good thing that she was smart and walked away when she did.

Jasper was laughing. His face was a light in laughter. I found myself staring at him in a most shameful way. I was the one drooling now as he stared back at me his smug knowing smile covering his beautiful face. I had never seen anything like it in my life. Not even Edward's crooked smile compared to Jasper's smug sexy smile.

"You're so cute Bella."

"What?"

"You are cute and refreshing. No matter what you are feeling you feel it. You don't try to hide it or make it something else. It really is a good thing that you are a shield because you suck at controlling what you are feeling."

"Oh really? And what was I feeling?" I demanded not liking his cocky attitude.

"Do you really want to go there?"

"Come on all knowing one what was I feeling?"

"Okay. Well first you were jealous. Then you were pissed. Then you went straight into lustful thoughts."

"I so did not," I denied though I knew it was useless.

"Don't be embarrassed. Like I said it was cute."

"Oh I hate you," I hissed too humiliated to see straight. All I could think about was getting away from him.

"Wait," he said grabbing my hand to stop me from leaving. The instance his hand touched mine heat surged through me. It stopped me cold.

"I'm sorry please sit back down," he said but before I could do anything he stood, "Change of plans. Let's go dance instead."

"Come again?"

"Let's go dance."

"Why?"

"Because we are at a bar and you do two things at a bar, drink and dance. Since we can't drink we are going to dance."

"I don't dance," I explained to him panicking.

"Bella Swan didn't dance but Bella Whitlock does," he smirked.

He dragged me out on the tiny square they were calling a dance floor. No one was out there but everyone's eyes were on us. He headed off to the jukebox and scanned all the songs at vampire speed before he slipped in a couple of quarters selecting a song. By the time the music started he had me in his arms.

Instantly I forgot about being nervous or embarrassed. I stopped thinking all together and started feeling. My body felt like it had been struck by lightening and all the nerve endings were tingling. I had never in my life felt something so intense.

The moment that he took me into his arms the heat overwhelmed me. It was strange to feel the warmth. I was use to the cold but now that I was like them I did not feel it any more.

Jasper was tall but not too tall. He used his height to enclose himself around me once I laid my head on his rock solid chest. I only did that so I did not have to look into his eyes or he could not look in mine.

His familiar scent of tangy apples and honey filled my senses. There was something comforting about that smell. It smelled like home. I buried myself deeper into him not able to get close enough.

Then the music started but I wasn't listening to the music coming out of the jukebox. Instead I could only hear the sweet melody of his voice as he serenaded me.

_You've been livin' way too long, in broken promise land  
Your dreams crushed and scattered like a million grains of sand  
I'd love to be your redemption, but I am just a man  
I may never be a hero, but I'm a rock you can lean on_

If I don't love you like you deserve  
If I don't stop every tear you're crying  
If I don't make your life heaven on this earth  
I'll die trying, I'll die trying

I'll listen to your secret prayer and share your deepest wish  
Search for a hundred years just to find the perfect kiss  
Everything within my power, there's nothing I won't give  
To be that man in your life  
That takes what's wrong and makes it right

_I may never be a hero  
But I'm a rock you can lean on  
I wanna be that part of you and your life  
That takes what's wrong and makes it right_

I'll die trying  
I'll die trying  
I'll die trying

Don't just call it quits, say there's no chance for you out there  
I know you're at a crossroads where love doesn't seem to be fair  
He made no effort to satisfy all your hopes and dreams  
But if you'll give love another shot and look to me  
I'll die trying

Hold on to me, show me your needs  
I'll fly higher  
Give what I can give as sure as I live I'll die trying  


Jasper's POV

I could feel myself shaking as the song ended. My emotions were haywire. All thoughts in my head had disappeared replaced by one lone thought. It was a dangerous thought. It was the thought that had sprang to life the moment she stepped into my arms. I could not shake it. It was the only thing I wanted. Not thinking I acted only on impulse and overwhelming need. My lips were touching hers before reason could stop me.


	21. Chapter 21

I own nothing.

Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own – H. Jackson Brown Jr.

Chapter Twenty-One – Conditions

Jasper's POV

I was still standing there dumbfounded long after Bella had pulled away and took off in a sprint. What the hell had just happened? It was as if I woke up in the twilight zone. Like the second I took that exit I had been transported to another dimension. That was the only thing to explain my strange behavior.

I don't know what I had been thinking when I asked her to dance. The thought just came out of nowhere but once the idea planted itself in my brain there was nothing I could do to shake it.

Then when she stepped into my arms everything else faded away and finally made sense. She fit like she was made to be in my arms and my body seemed to know that as it reacted to her closeness. Her sweet smell was intoxicating and I found myself becoming drunk by it. It was hard to believe but she smelled better now then she ever did as a human. I wanted to enclose myself in her until there was not her nor me but just us.

Then the music stopped breaking the spell that I was sure I had to be under. I lifted my head and stared down at Bella awaiting her reaction. She had to be horrified by my actions. I was suppose to be like her brother and here I was overstepping all kinds of boundaries, thinking all kinds of things I shouldn't.

She stared up at me questioning. Her eyes were dark; a strange menacing black sparkled with red flecks. They were spellbinding and I could not look away lost in the depths. Then a wave of emotions so strong hit me making my knees almost buckle. That was when it happened. That was when I bent in to kiss her. Her lips were so soft. She tasted of peppermint and watermelon. I reached up to lightly trace the side of her neck with my thumb. The same spot where I had bitten her. She shivered and I could feel it was not from fear. But before anything else could happen she was gone in a mad dash.

This was bad. This was so fucking bad. I was so fucked.

I was afraid that when I finally got out to the truck that Bella would not be there. I would not blame her after what I had done. Thankfully she was there curled up in her seat. She had pulled a hoody out of her bag and was using it to cover herself. I could only see a few strands of her hair peeking out from under. Not only did she have a physical shield but her mental one was back up. Damn she was getting better and better at bringing it up at will. Nothing was getting out.

I knew I had to deal with this but fuck I did not have the energy to do so. This on top of everything else was just too much. What had I done to deserve this? I felt like the shit just kept being shoveled onto me. And you know what? I think I might deserve it. I was an asshole.

I mean the definition of asshole was – someone who kisses his wife's best friend or; - someone who kisses his brother's ex-girlfriend. Either would apply in this case. But worst was the third definition of the word asshole – someone who wants to do it again.

Bella's POV

Jasper had kissed me. Oh my God Jasper had kissed me.

The worst of all this was I wanted him to kiss me again. A real kiss where I was kissing him back. One where I wasn't running from him instead I wanted to curl up in his arms and let go. What a dangerous thought. What a stupid, ridiculous thought. What a sweet, blissful thought.

How did you resist a someone like that? The answer was you didn't. It petrified me to think about letting someone in; especially him. He was everything I should run away from but suddenly the only thing I wanted. It seemed instead of my brain telling me to run from him it was telling me to run towards him. As if he was the unknown destination that I had always been searching for. It other words he was home.

It was not just the fact that he was drop dead gorgeous…but he was that. How I had never truly seen that before was insane. Yes I had always thought that he was good looking but all of them were but now…my God he was amazing. It hurt to look at him. From his sinful body to his tousled blond locks that I wanted to grab as I pulled him closer. Oh and his lips…they were this just right pink that were lush and full. His breath right before he kissed me had been cool and sweet, like he had just drunken a cherry icee.

His eyes were intense. Too intense. It was like good and evil were residing in there fighting for control. I wondered if that had been the good or evil side fighting its way to the surface earlier when he kissed me. When he looked at me it was if he was looking to dig inside my very core, becoming part of my being, to find out all my secrets. I wanted to tell him just to ask for I would tell him anything he wanted to know. But I didn't.

I didn't because it was wrong. Everything that I was thinking and feeling was wrong. He was off limits. Not just because he was my ex-boyfriend's brother but because he was married to my ex-best friend who he was still in love with.

But maybe he wasn't. I mean if he was kissing me than maybe he wasn't in love with her anymore. He had said he was not sure of his feelings but maybe now he was and they did not involve Alice. That was a lot of maybes.

Honestly even if he didn't love her anymore it was stupid to think that he could have any feelings for me. What did I have to offer him?

"Bella…"

There was no way that I was going to talk to him besides maybe long enough to ask him to take me back to Peter's. I could not face him. I was embarrassed but mostly I was scared. Scared of wanting something I would never have. I had done that once in my life and that was more than enough.

"We are only a few miles away from Forks so we need to talk about this before we get there. Please come out from there and face me."

Reluctantly I pulled of the hoody and stared at him waiting to be gently let down.

Jasper's POV

"I'm sorry that my actions have caused you any displeasure. I never intended to make your life harder or mine for that matter of fact. The simple truth is that I find myself drawn to you. My life would be easier if I wasn't but it seems that is not in the cards for now. I think maybe you are feeling the same way whether you want to admit it or not," I told her and her eyes just darkened even more as she stared me questioning. All I really wanted was to kiss her again. I didn't. I had more control than I realized. No that was not it. I would be grabbing her into my arms once again if I was not afraid she would turn and run away again. For whatever selfish reason the next time I kissed her I wanted her willing in my arms. God I was insane thinking there would but mostly should be another kiss.

Since we had left that bar all I could think about was kissing her. It was the most insane thought ever but nothing I could do would make it go away.

"You think you know everything, don't you?" she accused.

"No but I do know what I felt and when I kissed you… you wanted to kiss me back."

"So…," she told me, not looking at me when she conveys that, "What do you want from me?" she demanded.

"What I want and what I need is two different things. What I need right now is time to deal with Alice. What I need is some time to understand why I'm feeling the things that I'm feeling for you. What I want is you to give me that time."

"So let me get this right… you want the time to go back and try to work things out with your wife and then if it does not work out you want the opportunity to explore your feelings for me. Is that about right?" she demanded furious with me.

"You are making me sound so depraved. I am just so confused right now. I know I shouldn't be feeling these things for you. I'm struggling with right and wrong. I am asking myself where the feelings even came from. It was like a switched had been flipped and when it happened bam there was all this new terrifying feelings for you that I know I should not be feeling. And I don't know if they are real or just a side affect of all that we have been through. Because I have felt them from you as well. In the bar they almost knocked me over. So I am just trying to do what is right and fair for all of us. Like I said before I can't tell you I don't love Alice anymore and now I can't tell you that I don't have feelings for you. I'm just asking for the time to figure this all out," I asked her knowing how much I was asking her. It was so unfair but I was selfish enough to hope that she give me what I asked for.

She didn't answer me. She just stared out the window as we moved closer and closer to home. I did not want to push her for an answer but I had to have an answer before we got there.

"I am going to need hunt before we get there. I think you should too. Things are going to be intense I'm sure," she explained to me still not looking at me.

"Bella?"

"I know you are looking for answers but I don't have any at the moment. I'm going to hunt and then we will talk," she informed me still not looking at me or letting me into her emotions.

"Alright," I agreed because I had not other choice. I pulled the truck over the first back street I came across taking it until it ended. We were now in the thick of the woods. It was pitch black the moon barely visible. The heavy smell of rain and mist hung in the air. The faint sound of animals roaming through the woods were audible only to someone like us. It was a good night to hunt. Bella felt it too. A smile crossed her face as she took of in a run. My first instinct was to go after her but I knew she needed her space. She had proven herself at the bar that she was indeed completely in control of her bloodlust. Anyways I did not think there would be too many humans out here.

I took the time to hunt myself. It took the edge off but I was still tense. Not just from the fact that I would be home in moments but now because of my newly developed feelings for Bella.

God that just sounded so wrong. I could not imagine what Edward would do if he heard my thoughts concerning her. It was going to be bad enough after he found out that I had changed her. I was going to have to make sure I kept my thoughts well hidden from him. That was possible but what I was worried about was Alice.

I was shocked that I had not heard from her after everything. I couldn't imagine that she had not seen something that had happened. My only thought was that decisions were made so quickly and without much thought that she was unable to.

That would be the best thing. That way we would be able to tell them as much or as little as we wanted. Bella would have no problem. She had her shield so no one was going to find out anything she didn't want them to. Just like I was not going to feel anything that she did not want me to feel.

"Jasper…" she spoke as she came out of the woods.

Her eyes were now almost all golden. Only the random sparkle of crimson could be seen. She was getting better at the hunting. Only a few drops of blood stained the front of her shirt.

"Find anything good to eat?" I asked.

"I didn't waste time looking for the best meal just the quickest one. Had a few deer. Nothing fancy. Did you hunt?"

"Yes. You were right I needed to. I feel better now."

"Good. Well I am going to go change quickly and then we can head over."

"Bella?"

"You really have no patience do you?"

"No at the moment."

"Fine. I am going to give you the time you are asking for. You go deal with Alice and whatever happens… happens. But just know though that I am not going to be sitting there waiting for you to decided what you want."

What the hell did that mean?


	22. Chapter 22

I own nothing.

We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations – Charles R. Swindoll

Chapter Twenty Two – Going Home

I was not ready to deal with this. Honestly I was never going to be ready to deal with this. Who would be? No one in their right mind that was who. I just knew that it was not going to go well. How could it? This was the most messed up family reunion in the history of reunions. All of us getting together in one room with the amount of issues between all of us was like throwing gasoline on a fire. There was sure to be an explosion.

The closer we got the worse my fears became until I was almost in full panic mode. I was literally sick thinking about what they were going to say. I was wrecked over how they were going to react, especially Edward.

Maybe the one fatal flaw in our relationship was his insistence that I remain human when all I wanted was to be like him. Now I had gotten what I wanted and I just wondered how he was going to react not only to my change but also to the person that had done what he never would.

Jasper… there was so much that came with just that one word. Too much. All these feelings that I was petrified to be feeling. Feelings that I think I honestly started to have the day I woke up in this new life and I saw was his beautiful face staring at me. At the time I had no idea what they were but they had always been there waiting to be sorted out and made sense of. Part of me was still working on sorting them out. But I did know that they were there and real.

Then to hear that Jasper might be feeling them too was overwhelming to me. I never imagined that he could ever feel the same way about me as I was starting to feel about him. It was beyond all my hopes and it still was. Because no matter what he had said to me, actions spoke louder than words.

He had told me that he needed time to figure things out with Alice. It was heartbreaking. It was infuriating. It was down right disrespectful. Part of me wanted to kill him or maybe just her. My brain told me to tell him to go straight to fucking hell on a one way train. How dare he get my hopes up and then shot me down. It was mean and cruel.

My heart on the other hand told me something else. It said he was confused. That he had this sick sense of honor to his wife. That all he needed was to see her and he would know that she was not what he wanted, and then he would be mine. It was pathetic I knew but it didn't matter. I wanted him so I choose to listen to the dead, useless organ that use to beat in my chest.

I told him I would give him the time he asked for but that I was not going to sit there waiting for him to decide. I knew in his mind that he was thinking that I was speaking of the chance of renewing my relationship with Edward but that was not what I was talking about. What I had meant was that I was not just going to sit back quietly and let Alice have him. I was going to fight for him. I was going to do whatever it took to make him forget Alice ever existed. Why? Because he was worth fighting for. Because when he kissed me I just knew we were meant to be together. The rest would sort itself out. I hoped.

"Bella?" he said breaking me from my thoughts. I looked up to see that we were stopped in front of the house. Damn how long had we been parked here? I needed to get my head out my ass and pay attention. This was not the time to be off in la la land.

"We're here. Now what?" I asked hoping that he said get the fuck out of town but he won't. I was not that lucky.

"Now we go in and face the family. Would you like me to go in ahead and talk to them," he asked me.

"Heck no. We are a united front. I am not going to sit out here while you go in there and face the firing squad without some back up. We are doing this together. Alright?" I told him. He rewarded me with a dazzling smile that told me everything I needed to know.

"Fine but I do want you to stick behind me until I am sure that everything is okay. Seeing you is going to be a shock for them and I just want to make sure it does not get out of hand. You need to trust me and listen to me. Are we agreed?"

"As you wish Jasper," I told him with a grin. He just laughed shaking his head as he got out.

Jasper's POV

Standing at the front door I had Bella tucked behind me. The front of her body was molded to the back of my body. I could feel every inch of her beautiful body and it was having an effect on me. I tried to block out the sensations knowing that if I was not in control of the situation that things could go from bad to worse fast. Focus damn it.

"Ready?"

She just shook her head and I knocked knowing that they knew we were there before we even made it up the driveway. I wondered who would have the pleasure of opening the door. I was hoping for Carlisle. He would be the calmest.

Esme was who ended up greeting us. Her warm smile eased some of my nervous. I could feel the motherly love rolling off her. She was happy to have her son home. I thought it best not to start off this reunion reminding her she had voted to leave me behind.

"Jasper welcome home. We have been waiting for you to return. Everyone has gathered in the family room," she told me as I felt her emotions shift to wonder and curiosity, "I see you brought someone home with you. Would you like to introduce us?"

"Not yet. We are going to do that all together just once."

She just nodded and walked into the family room. I followed behind. My nerves went into over drive. I felt like I was heading into battle. I did not know what to expect. I didn't even know who the enemy was. I was not ready for this but time had run out. Suck it up Whitlock and be a man.

I saw Carlisle first. He was standing next to the chair that Esme sat down in. Instantly he put his hand on her shoulder to reassure her. The love flowed between them. So did the nervousness. I sent some calm out. The release of breath told me they felt it. My goal was to keep everyone as calm as possible. Those two would be the easiest.

Next I saw Rosalie and Emmett seated on the couch side by side. Emmett was smiling ear to ear. Not a normal smile but this huge shit eating grin almost like he already knew my secret. I had to stop myself from smiling back at him. In stark contrast to Emmett's grin was Rose's scowl. Her face was severe. Her eyes already dark. Just as opposite was their emotions. Emmett was giddy while Rose was pissed. I had to wonder if she was mad that I was back or if it might have to do with the fact that I had someone with me. She was never very welcoming to others. It had taken her decades to warm up to me and Alice. Even then there had been moments of icy coldness. I sent some calm directly to Rose thinking Emmett was fine on his own.

The anger coming off of my wife caught my attention. She was sitting in the chair next to Rose and Emmett. She had fire shooting out of her eyes. If looks could kill I would be dead. I never imagined that she possessed that much hatred. It was overwhelming in its degree. I had to look away once I tried to fill her with some calm.

Edward was standing behind her. His familiar frown was spread across his face. I did not need to feel his emotions to know that he was not happy to see me. I reminded myself to watch my thoughts. One little slip and all hell would break lose.

"Welcome home Jasper," Carlisle finally announced trying to break the little game of stare down.

"Thank you," I simply said.

"Did you have a good trip back?" Esme questioned always the hostess.

"It was fine."

"Please tell me that we are not going to do this all night? All this fakeness is making me sick. Let's just get on with this," Rose huffed clearly already sick of being apart of the family reunion. I had to agree with her.

"Yes, let's. Let's start with explaining who the little vampire slut is wrapped around my husband," Alice hissed.

"Alice…" Carlisle warned.

"Would you like to introduce your friend to all of us now?" Esme asked.

No I didn't. I did not want to have to put her through this. I wished that she would have just waited in the truck as I explained everything to them. This was not fair to her. She did not deserve this. None of this was her fault.

"It's okay Jasper. I'm ready," she whispered in my ear. I smiled at her bravery. That did not go over well with Alice.

"I'm going to kill that little husband stealing slut," Alice growled moving quickly towards us. Emmett caught hold of her stopping her as my arm went around my back to protect her.

"I'm telling all of you right now that if any of you move towards us again or even think about harming her we will leave and never come back. Do you all understand me?" I ordered. I would not put her in harms way. It was my job to protect her.

Everyone shook their head yes but Alice. Emmett took it upon himself to do it for her.

I sent out a strong stream of calm hoping it would be enough to keep everyone under control. I doubt though with all the emotions raging out of control that it would be enough.

"Alright. Now I did bring someone back with me. She is very nervous about seeing all of you and worried that you are not going to accept her. I told her she had nothing to worry about. So do not make me a liar. Okay…" I said taking several steadying breaths. Here it went, "I would like all of you to meet… Bella Whitlock," I said as she walked from behind me.


	23. Chapter 23

I own nothing.

If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion – Ashleigh Brilliant

Chapter Twenty Three – Family Reunion

**Jasper's POV**

It was a good thing that vampires could not faint because right about now there would six of them out cold on the floor. Instead they stood open mouth in complete shock.

"Bella…you're alive," Emmett squealed being the first to react he rushed up to pull her into one of his famous bear hugs. The only difference this time was that Bella was not her old breakable self.

"Nice to see you too Emmett," Bella said giving him a squeeze, "Ouch, lay off the steroids why don't you," he laughed rubbing his arm as he walked back to the couch.

"Oh my goodness…" Esme whispered her hand covering her mouth in complete disbelief.

"You really fucked up this time didn't you?" Rose accused her anger only slightly less than her resentment. She was pissed and a pissed off Rose was never good. I just was not sure why she was pissed off yet. It could pretty much be anything.

"Bella… are you well?" Carlisle questioned the constant doctor but even he did not know what to say. I could feel the concern and worry. If I did not know better I would have said that Carlisle had aged since the last time I saw him.

"I fine," she said flashing a small reassuring smile.

I looked up to gauge the reaction of the last two people yet to speak. Alice looked numb and speechless. I had never seen her this quiet before. There was no expression on her face, no emotions. She was just staring at both of us as if she really truly could not believe we were real. This must be the look she got when she did not see something coming. I knew it was wrong but I wanted to do a happy dance over the fact that for once someone had surprised Alice. I had to wonder though why she hadn't seen any of this coming. All I could think was that it had to be Bella's shield. But what about before that? It was something that I would have to ask her about, among other things.

Edward on the other hand was well aware that we were there and real even if he did not want to. His eyes were blacker than I had ever seen them. There was a steady low growl emitting from his throat. His hands were balled up in tight fists all his tension seemed focused there. I was shocked he was still standing there. I had been prepared for him to attack the second he saw her. But he was still standing there just staring. He was always controlled if nothing else.

"Edward," Bella said her voice low and reassuring as if she was speaking to a frightened child. She was as aware as I was that Edward was on the verge of losing it in a major way, "It is okay Edward. You don't have to freak out. I am perfectly okay," she tried to explain to him. As she stepped forward towards him instinctively I put out my hand to stop her afraid if she got too close. That was enough to send Edward over the edge as he roared lunging at us. I pulled Bella out of the way and went into fight mode waiting for Edward to hit but he never made contact. It was as if he bounced off me. I stood up waiting. He came at me again but again nothing. It was if I was being protected in some kind of bubble. Then it hit me.

"Bella are you doing this?" I questioned curious. She was in deep concentration as her eyes flew open and she stared at me. Fear, concern, worry, and most of all love came flooding at me. I smiled at her completely taken back by her. She was trying to protect me. Her shield was not just mental but clearly it could be manifested into a physical one. Wow, she really was fucking amazing.

Edward must have read that last thought in my mind because he hissed and came at me again. This time Bella did not get her shield up in time and I felt myself fly across the room slamming into the wall. Plaster scattered over us.

I didn't think. It didn't matter who he was. I was in complete war mode and he was the enemy. Combat tactics came rushing back to me as well as my survival instinct. It was me or him.

**Bella's POV**

It was like watching to rabid dogs fighting for domination and survival. All that emanated from their mouths were primal groans and growls. This was the monsters they spoke of because what was in front of me now was not human. And the scariest part of it was that I was not sure who was going to come out on top. It was clear that Jasper had more skill but Edward was fast and was using his ability to read Jasper's mind. He seemed to be just a second ahead of Jasper at all times.

I did not want to take my eyes off of them but at the same time I was looking to everyone else to do something. But everyone just stood there staring at the train wreck in front of us. I wanted to scream at them to do something but then I remembered that I was not helpless anymore. I did not need them to protect me.

"Enough," I yelled. Everyone but Edward and Jasper turned to look at me. Fuck. Alright Plan B. I closed my eyes and thought about the idea of a bubble encasing Jasper. Then when it was in place I started imagining the same bubble around Edward. I did not dare open my eyes knowing I needed total control to keep the shields in place. It seemed like forever I stood there until the quiet descended around me. When I finally opened my eyes there was Jasper and Edward standing in front of me heaving.

It was like a bomb had gone off in there. Everything seemed broken and in pieces, including Edward and Jasper. There were chunks missing from both of them that were oozing venom. I could see a few fresh bite marks on Jasper's neck and arms. It made me utterly sick and disgusted.

"How could you Edward?" I demanded rushing over to Jasper to make sure that he was okay.

"Jasper…are you alright?" I whispered standing in front of him just in case either of them decided to go at it again. He didn't look at me. His eyes were raging black. Venom spilled down his chin as he slightly shock all over. Even though he wasn't moving I knew that his brain was still in fight mode.

"It's okay Jasper. Edward is going to behave himself. There is going to be no more fight. We are all going to act like adults, isn't that right Edward?" I hissed at him daring him. Embarrassed he just nodded. Still Jasper just stood there motionless.

"Jasper," I said again this time taking my hand up to his chin forcing his head down to look at me. I knew he was weakening because if he wasn't I would have never been able to move him so easily, "Jasper, look at me."

Slowly his eyes came back into focus. The black began to recede and the honey golden seeped in. I could see Jasper slowly coming back. He blinked a few times and I knew he was okay.

"Are you alright?" he asked staring back into my eyes.

"I'm fine but you are a mess. Are you okay?" I asked worried. I wanted to reach out and touch the new crescent marks littering his neck but I held back too aware of the eyes on us.

"You don't have to worry about me, sweetheart but thanks anyways," he said smiling down at me and I really wished we were alone.

"Would someone like to tell me what the fuck is going on?" Rose demanded.

"Rose language," Esme said.

"What?" she said defensive.

"I would also like to know what is going on so why don't we all sit down and have a conversation and not a fighting match," Carlisle offered taking his spot next to Esme. Rose and Emmett went back to the couch after they had turned it back over. Alice had never moved from her chair so she remained a silent stone planted in the same spot. Edward lurked around the room. Jasper lead me over to a vacant chair and stood watch over me.

This was the first time that I really got to look at everyone who was staring at me. It was unnerving to be the center of attention but I had expected this. It helped to have Jasper stand watch over me. And though I did not feel it I could sense that he had sent out a strong wave of calm when everyone seemed to take a deep breath.

"I know everyone has questions but you need to remain calm. Otherwise we are going to leave. We did not come here to be attacked," Jasper instructed.

"Everyone is going to be on their best behavior. We just want to understand what is going on," Carlisle told us.

"Alright," Jasper said taking a few deep breaths, "First when you left I did not. I stayed here. I just stay here and waited for you all to come back but you didn't. Then one day I was out hunting when I sensed something in the woods. It turned out to be Bella," Jasper explained to him and I was waiting for him to tell them what their leaving had done to him but he didn't and he probably never would.

"You attacked her didn't you? You and your lack of control. We left her to keep her save and for what? You killed her anyways. You took away her soul. You destroyed her," Edward provoked.

"Don't you dare blame Jasper for what you did. You left me because you wanted to. You can claim it was for my own good but it was for yours. Your needs and wants. You didn't care anything about what I wanted, what I needed. Jasper saved me. Jasper is the reason why I am alive in any sense of the word. When you left me, when you all left me I only wanted to die. I saw no reason to continue. My love, my family, my world was just gone. It was so bad that Charlie threatened to commit me. He should have. I snapped. I had a complete breakdown. I die in those woods but not that day with Jasper but long before on the day you left me Edward," I spoke to Edward and the rest of the family needing them to know what they had done to me, "Do you remember that day? Does it even matter to you? Probably not since like you said, 'you didn't love me'."

"Bella, my love…"

"Don't you dare say those words to me. You don't know the meaning of the word. I honestly wonder if any of you do. Not only did you leave me but you left Jasper too. And why was that? Because of your own fears. You condemn him for being weak and lacking control but have you ever for one minute consider what it is that he goes through? He feels every emotion you feel. There is not one of you that can honestly look me in the eye and tell me the night of my party that my blood did not affect you. Jasper was overcome with the bloodlust of not only himself but six other vampires. I am amazed he had as much control as he did over the years. But it has always been easier, more convenient to put all your shortcomings and weaknesses on to Jasper. He was always your escape goat but do you know what he has more control and courage than all of you," I yelled at them sick over how they had treated him more than even how they treated me. And I knew he was not about to tell them how they had hurt him. So I would do it for him, "Do you want to know about that day in the woods when Jasper bit me? Well I was out there alone searching for my death. I was waiting for something, someone to come and end it all for me. My hope was maybe Victoria or another vampire was lurking in the woods awaiting a fresh meal. I even tried to entice one of you. I had started cutting myself letting the sweet smell of my blood float through the air. You always told me Edward it was irresistible. And it was. Jasper found me that day bleeding. He came because he thought that I was hurt. And I begged him to kill me. I pleaded with him over and over to take my life. I gave him a get out of jail free card but he didn't take it. Instead he had the strength, the control to only change me. He didn't kill me, he saved me," I explained to them hoping they felt the torture we had went through because of them.

"I'm so sorry. You will never know the depth of my pain and guilt. I just wanted to spare you. I only wanted for you to be happy," Edward whined. It was really sickening.

"Do you even listen to yourself? You…you…you…it was always about what you wanted. All I ever wanted was to be like you, to be apart of this family, and spend forever with you. I needed nothing else. I wanted nothing else. But you did not care what I wanted just what you wanted."

"Bella…"

"Save it Edward. It's over, it's done. It doesn't matter anymore."

He seemed to deflate as if I had popped a hole in his little self contained bubble. I knew this was not the end but for the moment I had silenced him.

"Jasper, when did all this happen?" Carlisle questioned.

"A few weeks ago."

"Impossible."

"I know what you are thinking but I am coming to realize with Bella that nothing is impossible. She is not your normal vampire, she is special. As you witnessed she is a shield that until today I believed to only be mental. Clearly she can turn it outward and manifest it into a physical one protecting not only herself but others. This is not insanely impossible to believe though it is remarkable. She must have always had the ability in some form considering that she was able to block Edward from reading her thoughts. The change intensified her ability. Her shield is not her most amazing ability though. It seems that Bella has skipped right over the whole newborn stage. She awoke as if she had always been one of us. There are no control issues. Her has retained almost all of her human memories. As you can see her eyes are almost completely gold. I'm telling you it is unbelievable but we have been out in public around humans. There was a second of temptation nothing more than we would have but after that she was in complete control," Jasper explained.

"Very interesting."

"That completely sucks. I was looking forward to some competition," Emmett complained as only he could.

"Don't get so cocky. I think I still can take you," I told him. Of everyone he was the easiest for me to forgive. That was because he did not have a bad bone in his body.

"Let's go little sis," he bounced up.

"Emmett sit down," Rose commanded.

"Come on Rosie," he whined.

"Sit down."

"You ruin all my fun," he huffed but sat.

After that the room seemed to go quiet. No one was talking as if no one knew what to say. My eyes fell to Alice. In all this she had not said a word. She had not moved. She just sat staring at her hands that she was twisting together like she wished it was my neck. It was unnerving not to hear her. The Alice I remembered never stopped talking or moving.

"I know that we have more to discuss but I think that we all need a break. Edward you need to hunt and that was not an option. Go hunt. Emmett you go with him," Carlisle commanded.

"Yes! I'm free," Emmett shouted which earned him a slap on the back of the head.

"Damn Rosie. That was so uncalled for. One of these times you are going to regret the way you treat me," Emmett informed her which earned him another slap.

"That is it. Come on Eddie we are out of here."

Edward just stood there staring at me his eyes glaring. The old me would have lowered her head and avoid his glare but the new me stand him right back. Finally he was the one to cave. He shot me one last look before he was gone. Emmett followed right behind him.

"Well I am going to retire to my office for a bit. Would you like to join me Esme?" he asked and it was as if they were speaking a secret silence language to each other.

"Of course."

"Rosalie, how about you take Bella to the guest bedroom and help her get settled in?" Esme said.

"Hell no. there is no way I am leaving Alice alone with Jasper."

"Rosalie, take Bella to the guest room to get settled in," Esme told instead of asked this time. I did not know why Rosalie did not want to leave them alone but neither did I.

"Come let's go," Rosalie demanded grabbing me by the arm. If I was still human she would have easily pulled my arm out of the socket, "Oh and Alice remember that I can hear everything. If you know what I am talking about."

What the hell did that mean?


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N: Sorry it took me so long to get this chapter up. Honestly I have been struggling with what comes next. And I know that this is a little bit of a filler chapter but you still get to see the workings of both Emmett and Rose a little more. The next chapter is going to be Jasper's and Alice's talk. Hopefully it will come together quickly. Also I normally response to all my reviews personally but I have gotten far behind…I just wanted to say thanks so much to everyone. Hearing such positive and reassuring comments from all of you means the world to me. So here you go….**

I own nothing.

In each family a story is playing itself out, and each family's story embodies its hope and despair – Auguste Napier

Chapter Twenty Four – Personally

**Rose's POV**

How the hell did I get stuck with babysitting her? It was so fucking unfair. I was clearly getting punished for something. I should be in there supervising Alice. I did not trust her. I trusted her even less after her award winning performance in there. Sitting there all sweet and innocent after her outburst. Her husband…nice of her to remember that now. I swear she wiped from her mind that she had been the one who left him. She had such a selective memory.

I had to admit though that it had been a moment when she called Bella a slut.

"You don't have to accompany to the guest bedroom. I know where it is," she told me once we were at the stairs.

"Of course you do. You spent quite a bit of time in there with Jasper didn't you?"

"What are you implying?" she asked me. Instead of answering her then and there I headed up to the bedroom knowing she would follow. She always was a good little lap dog.

"Alright it is just you and me so you can drop the act and tell me what the hell is going on with you and Jasper?" I demanded sick of all the lies from everyone. I wanted to know everything once and for all. I could not work without all the correct information.

"Nothing is going on with Jasper and I," she told me and all I wanted to do was slap her because I knew she was lying.

"That may fly with everyone else but give me a little more credit than that. I am not fooled by your innocent act. I see the way you look at him. It is neither brotherly nor friendly. And don't think I missed that whole sweetheart remark Jasper made to you. So cut the 'I don't know what you are talking about' shit and tell me what is going on between you two."

"I don't know."

"I am not above kicking the shit out of you. In fact I think I would quite enjoy it," I smiled at her.

"You can try," she smirked. She actually smirked at me. Did this girl not know who she was dealing with? Well I could say one thing for sure this was not the same girl I had pitied before. She actually had a backbone and she was protective of Jasper. I just might have to like her, if I didn't end up killing her first. Damn this day just kept getting worse.

"Look I think me and you might be working towards the same goal so let's cut all the bullshit and come to some sort of understanding," I explained to her. I was not sure if I could trust her but I was certain that she cared about Jasper and right now saving him from Alice trumped all else. We would just have to deal with the rest later.

"And what would that be?" she asked me skeptical.

"Alice is a bitch and doesn't deserve Jasper," I spit out venom filling my mouth. I swallowed it down and tried to calm myself. I could not believe how angry I was getting just talking about Alice.

Bella just stared at me. I had the feeling she thought I was setting her up or that I had lost my mind. It probably seemed like both could be true especially to her.

"I'm serious. You don't have a clue about the evil shit she has been up to and I'm not taking about all day shopping trips. The worst part is that I don't think that we've even heard all of it yet. She of course doesn't think she has done anything wrong. She also thinks that Jasper is going to forgive all her misdeeds. And he will if Alice has it her way and only tells him what she wants him to hear."

"Are you sure? We are talking about sweet pretty little princess Alice, right?"

"More like an evil conniving witch."

"What has she done?" she questioned.

"Oh there is no time for that list. Right now we need to be focusing on spying on her and Jasper. If I know her she is about to fed him her own twisted version of the truth."

"I don't want to spy on them. Whatever they are talking about is private."

"Nothing in this family is private and we all know that. If you don't want someone to hear some thing you go far far away. Otherwise it is fair game. So are you in or not?"

"What do I have to do with any of this? No matter what Alice says or doesn't say if Jasper still loves her he will forgive her and they will get back together."

"Maybe but maybe not. That is what I need you for," I tried to explain to her; "You are my back up plan. If when all is said and done Jasper still wants to be with her well we are going to bring in the secret weapon. You know remind him of what he will be giving up. Lord knows for whatever reason you can wrap the men in this family around your finger without even trying," I told her. It was one of her better traits.

"What?" she said all shocked like I had just told her the most ridiculous thing ever.

"Come on. I told you drop the innocent act with me. I know that you have feelings for him. It might as well be written all over your face and from what I could see he is feeling some of those same things. Isn't that right, sweetheart?" I told her and knew she was finally understood I understood that there was something going on.

"Nothing has happen. Not really," she defended.

"But you want it to."

"I hate to break this to you but Jasper's mantra lately has been 'I have to give Alice and my marriage a chance.' So…"

"That is just code for 'I know what I'm getting with Alice. It's safe and familiar.' Instead of 'It's new and scary. I'm not sure how she feels about me and what if I get rejected.' You know what I'm saying?"

"I think you are wrong. I mean I think he really does care about Alice."

"He might right now but that is just because he doesn't know the truth."

"Are you hoping the truth will stop him from loving Alice or stop him from hating you?"

"I know you will not believe this but I care greatly about Jasper and his happiness. We are not blood but he is and always will be my brother. I only want the best for him and that sure and the hell isn't Alice anymore. I highly doubt you are either but I am not above using you to get what I want."

"I'm sure your not."

"Listen you don't have to like me because I don't like you but unless you want to see Jasper back in Alice's greedy little claws you better find a way to get over it. I'm a bitch, always have been always will be. But I don't lie."

"Neither do I."

"That is yet to be determined," I told her wishing that I had an extra gift that detected bullshit. Yes I would give anything to be a walking lie detector that started beeping every time I heard a lie.

"What does that mean?"

"It means I know Alice is a lying bitch that is only out for herself but right now I'm not so sure you aren't either."

"I can tell you that you are wrong but you are not going to believe me. I don't know why you hate me. I have never done anything to you. I've never done anything to any of you so why you have this option of me is ridiculous. I think that you have some serious issues," she told me with a pure look of disgust. It was my breaking point. No more nice Rosalie. Time for the bitch to reappear.

"Who are you to judge me? If any one in this room has issues it is you. Chasing after Edward pushing him to his breaking point. Engraining yourself in this family when no one really wants you here. We just all felt sorry for you. I mean you were like this little lost puppy with these sad brown eyes staring up at you begging, 'love me, want me.' Instead of letting you in we should have put you down. It would have been the humane thing to do but like I said before you have this gift to wrap the men in this family around your finger. And now you have managed to get Jasper to change you which I know was your ultimate goal even if you deny it. Yet that was still not good enough for you. You had to suck Jasper in when he was feeling alone and unwanted. Is it entertaining to watch Jasper and Edward try to kill each other over you?"

"You really are a cold hearted bitch. I wanted to believe that it was just that I didn't know you well enough to get under your defenses but it is not defenses is it? You are just a bitch. You are just a hateful, conniving bitch. If Alice has turned into one it was probably from watching you," she hissed at me.

That was it…

**Emmett's POV**

"It has been one fucked up day dude. I mean if someone had told me a few hours ago that Bella was going to walk through our door a vampire I would have said, 'Get the fuck out of here' because that is insane. All I can think is WOW Bella…a vampire," I said looking over at Edward who was sulking on top of a rock, "That's got to suck for you. All that crap you went through to keep her breathing for what? For Jasper to do the job anyways. I mean shit you didn't even get the pleasure of a little taste. Plus the thought of another vampire sucking on her neck all intimate like. I know if it was Rose I would be pissed even if it was you or Jasper. Carlisle is like a father to her so it isn't that weird."

"Enough Emmett," he hissed all pissy at me.

"You are very crabby. Do you need something more to eat? I swear you are always crabby when you are hungry."

"I'm not hungry," he growled pinching the bridge of his nose. That was never a good sign.

"So then what is your problem?" I asked. I knew he was upset about Bella being changed but she was not dead. I would think that would be a good thing but what did I know.

"Are you really that stupid? I mean seriously you did not just ask me what was wrong. How can you not know what my problem is?" he demanded.

"Problems to me and problems to you are two different things," I told him thinking that Edward could take just about anything and make it a problem. He was just wrapped too tight. I guess that had to do with his lack of all things sexually. It was just unnatural.

"Well I think we can both agree that what Jasper has done is consider a problem to everyone."

"Not me. I think that it is fucking awesome!"

"How can you say that? He ruined her life. He killed her. He…."

"He did what she wanted," I told him simply, "He did what you couldn't."

"You don't know what you are talking about," he declared dismissing me like I was an idiot. I was use to it. No one took me serious.

"I know I am not the smart one, I don't have any special power. I am just the overgrown goof ball that is always doing and saying things I shouldn't. But I am not stupid. I have an option. And my option is that Jasper manned up. He thought about someone other than himself. He did what Bella wanted, not what he wanted. I don't have to say this to you because the one person that matters most to you said the same thing to you. Bella is PISSED. She is fighting mad. She fucking wants to kick your ass and you know what I think you have it coming. I'll help her too because it is just my option but I think you fucking deserve it too," I told him for once. Usually I did not care what any of them except Rosie thought of me but some times like now it pissed me off to be thought so little of.

"You are right I do deserve whatever Bella does to me. I am a horrible, coldhearted…" he began to say but I stopped him short.

"Blah, blah, blah. Save it Eddie. We have all heard your crap before. We are over it. Have you ever heard the saying, 'a lot less talking and a lot more action?' Well if you don't stop standing around announcing how shitty you are and do something about it then you are going to be standing all alone talking to yourself," I told him walking away from him.

After stumping all my way home any anger that I had was basically gone. Now I was just feeling sad. I mean Jasper was back and Bella was not only alive but she was one of us now. We could finally be one happy family. Rose and me, Jasper and Alice, Carlisle and Esme, and now Bella and Edward, we were finally all paired up with our mates from now until forever. We should be celebrating not mourning which everyone seemed to be.

Case in point Alice and Jasper having a staring contest in the living room. No talking just staring. Like that was going to solve anything. I know they had things to deal with. Alice had done some funky shit but they had to work it out. That was what you did with the people you love…you forgive and forget. Of course it was easier to call it quits but they were forever just like Rose and I. I messed up all the time but she forgave me. You get mad. You yell, scream, and then you make up. Like sick wild make up shit.

Just like with Bella and Eddie. He had been an ass to her with his controlling ways but that was just how he showed his love. That was just how he was and he was never going to change so you had to take him as he was. And up until we left she had. That told me that she still did or could. She was just mad and hurt and that was going to take some time to get over and some major butt kissing from him.

I should have given him some ideas on how to get back in her good graces. I was an expert after all. But usually a lot of it centered around sex. I was not so sure Eddie would go for that. Even if he couldn't break her anymore. Something told me that the lack of sex with them had more to do with Edward's morals and less to do with breaking the human. No matter how many times I tried to tell him that sex was normal and healthy he just did not want to hear it. I mean man if I went that long without it I probably would look a lot like Eddie too. I wonder if Rose ever figured out that I tend to get in so much trouble just for the make-up sex.

I was getting off track with all this thinking about sex…focus!!! What was the point of all this mental talking? Oh I remember forgive and forget, live and learn, peace not war, and all that other crap. Basically all I wanted was my family back to the way it use to be but better now that I had a new little sister. Was that so much for a guy to ask for?

I guess it was since I found Rose and Bella in opposite corners about to go to blows.

"I like a good chick fight as much as the other guy but if you two are going to go at it can I at least ask for a wardrobe change. I was thinking bra and panties. And maybe we could get some mud up here. Better yet I can get the hose out and make a big mud pit in the backyard," I told them hoping to break up the moment. It seemed to work but I had to admit the idea had merit.

"You really are sick," Bella scolded.

"I thought it was a rather lovely idea. I am sure that Jasper and Edward would want to see it. Hell Carlisle might enjoy it himself," I said which earned me a slap on the back of the head or like I tried to think of it…a love tap.

"I need to get out of here for awhile," Bella announced sailing out of the door before we could stop her.

"Should we go after her?" I asked.

"I have better things to do."

"Well I really don't so maybe I should trail behind her and make sure that she doesn't get in any trouble," I told Rose thinking that I did not want to be the one who allowed Bella to drain half of the town. Sure they said she had control but I was not so sure of that.

"Go Emmett…run after her like every other man in this family," she told me with such a bitterness. I would never understand my wife. I don't think I was suppose to honestly. The world might end if I ever got that woman.

"Jealous much?" I said but knew that was a bad move when her eyes went black.

"No sex for a month. I mean it a whole month. I will not change my mind neither not matter what you do. Do you hear me a month," she declared as she walked out the door.

Fuck! It seemed no one in this family was going to be getting some any time soon. This spelled trouble. Mark my word…TROUBLE!


	25. Chapter 25

I own nothing.

Many of us sit in the back seat of life and let someone else do all the driving. That's okay if you don't care where the car's going. To set the course in the direction you want to go, you have to take the wheel. You have to drive – Judy Mae

Chapter Twenty Five – When its over its over

**Jasper's POV**

I had thought about this moment over and over since she left me. The moment when I would be face to face with my wife once again. I imagined asking her the million questions taking up too much space in my brain. Then I planned on demanding to know why and how she could leave me. In the end I would ask her if she still loved me.

Now here I was facing her and I couldn't come up with a single thing to say. My mind was blank…just this void pit of nothingness. I could only stare at the woman that had once meant everything to me.

She was as I remembered her. Head to toe perfect in the latest fashion I was sure. She had always been like that. This picture of perfection. I always thought of her like a porcelain doll in some way…always dressed up and on display.

Even now in the middle of all that had happened she sat in the chair like a queen on a thrown waiting for her subjects to adore her. The thing was we all did. Alice was this force that either you stepped into and let go or got out of the way. I felt like I was on the edge trying to decide which way I was heading.

"You look good. Well besides for whatever that is you are wearing. Don't worry about that though. I have a getaway planned for us to London. We can spend half our time making up and the other half shopping," she said finally speaking breaking the lingering silence after everyone had left us alone.

"Alice I really don't want to go shopping," I told her amazed that she was thinking about my wardrobe. Only she could turn this into a reason to go shopping.

"Duh! I know that. I'll shop and you can hold the bags. We can leave tomorrow…"

"Alice I said no," I told her firmer.

"No?" she asked as a question looking at me like she did not know me at all. I guess in a way she didn't know this side of me. I never told her no before.

"No. I did not come back here to make-up or go shopping. I came back because Carlisle asked me to. He said there were things that needed to be dealt with," I explained to her and reminded myself as well.

"That was just about Bella being missing. Now she isn't so…"

"No she isn't but we still need to deal with her disappearance. We have to come up with some way to give her family closure."

"Carlisle can handle that or Edward. She is not your problem anymore," she told me irritated.

"She is not a problem," I replied, "Don't you have anything to say about the fact that I changed her? Didn't you see it? How come you did not stop me?" I asked of her unable to just let it all go like she wanted.

"I've always told you all that Bella was going to end up like one of us. Edward would never been able to handle it so why would I stop you from doing it and getting it over with? It was meant to happen. I tried to tell you that us leaving was for the best. It really hurts me that you doubted me," she pouted laying on the guilt. It was one of her many talents.

"Are you saying that you left me behind knowing that I would end up changing Bella?"

"You know me so well…" she purred.

"Why didn't you just tell me?" I demanded to know. I had been through hell for no reason. She could have saved me so much pain.

"Because you would have never agreed to it. You didn't trust yourself enough. You thought that you lacked the control but I've always had faith in you," she told me and everything in my world seemed to spin.

She had done all this to allow me to change Bella. Not only allow me to do that but also to see that I could. She had just been trying to give me some of my confidence back. I had been thinking the worst of her and she had only been thinking about my happiness as well as Bella's.

What had we done to thank you her…kiss. Not just kiss but express feelings for each other. God I really was a fucked up asshole that did not deserve my perfect wife.

Yet even in that thought there was this nagging little voice in my head insisting some thing just does not feel right. That I was just hearing part of the story. It felt like there was more going on then I was being told.

"When did you see me being the one to change Bella? Was it before or after her birthday party?" I asked of her needing more facts. For once I was not going to sit back and be spoon fed what she wanted me to know.

Instead of answering me she huffed and got up out of the chair prancing around the room. That action told me I was right. As did her emotions. She was angry and defensive.

"What does it matter? Every thing has turned out wonderfully. Bella is one of us now so Edward can have his mate and finally be happy. You and I are together again stronger than ever. Can you just let go of the past and focus on the future," she asked me batting her long inky eyelashes at me as she had too many times before. It normally got her what she wanted but not this time.

I knew that I should let it go and focus on the future like she said but there were things I was not willing to let go of just yet.

"What about the future? What have you seen for us all?" I questioned. I knew it was wrong to ask. This had been one of my complaints…Alice not letting life just happen. In this case though I was searching for some assurance.

"We all live happily ever after," she whispered wrapping her arms around my neck forcing my head down towards hers.

"Alice…."

"Shut up and kiss your wife," she demanded crushing her lips into mine.

I let the kiss happen but I was not into it. I didn't feel a spark or any passion. I realized that I hadn't in awhile. I had been sleep walking through my life and my marriage for quite some time just letting it happen. I was done doing that no matter the out come.

"Enough," I told her pushing myself out of her arms. I ran my hands through my hair trying to get it together.

"Jasper seriously what is wrong with you? I've never been treated like this by you before. It is almost like you don't love me anymore," she whimpered.

"I never said that Alice. I just want to know what is going on. I feel like there are things I don't know. Are you telling me the complete truth?" I asked her honestly not trusting her to give me a straight answer.

"Baby….of course. I would never lie to you," she cooed slinking up on me.

"Don't believe a word that lying bitch says," I heard from behind me. Alice growled ready to strike.

Turning around I saw Rosalie standing there looking as menacing as I had ever seen her. She oozed fierce anger that seemed directed completely towards Alice. Wow this made no sense. What the hell had been going on around here?

"Alice enough," I told her trying to settle her down. We had already had one fist fight today and that seemed more than enough, "Now Rosalie can you please tell me what is going on since you claim my wife hasn't been."

Upon hearing that Alice did her huffing thing and planted herself back into the chair crossing her arms over her chest. Her face formed a scowl and her mouth pouted. Rosalie stood across from her wearing quite the same expression.

Deep breaths…in, out, in, out.

"Do you want to tell him Alice or do you want me to?" she asked her and all Alice did was turn her head away.

"I guess that means you want me to. Alright well it seems that Alice here has been lying to all of us. After what happened at Bella's party when we sat down to discuss leaving Bella your wife over here told us that we should leave you here too. Of course we disagree. We were all against that except well maybe Edward. He was pissed at you for trying to have Bella for dinner so you could see how he would vote for you to stay. Anyways then Alice came with her vision. She announced that she had seen us leaving you behind for your own good. How could we argue with that? But that was not the truth was it? She made the whole thing up. She never saw that…in fact she hadn't seen anything. It seemed the day of Bella's party her little visions concerning you went blank. So she came up with her little lie to get away from you," she told me and all I could do was stare at her. I wanted to believe that Rosalie was the one lying but I could see the truth in her eyes and the lies in Alice's.

"Is this true?" I asked my wife. She did not bother to look at me. That said enough.

"She is making it sound so much worse than it is. Yes my visions were blocked since that day as far as you are concerned. I thought that if I got away from you for awhile they would come back. But they haven't. It seems Bella is to blame for that. It also explains why I haven't been able to see her future either," she told me and it seemed like she was blaming Bella and me for her problem.

"But Bella only became a vampire a short amount of time ago so she could not have been blocking you from see their futures," Rosalie announced the constant voice of reason and truth.

"Bella has always had that power. She never wanted Edward to hear her thoughts so he didn't. She might not have known she was doing it but she was. She might have not known that she was blocking Alice's visions as far as our futures but she was," I explained.

"Why would she want to block Alice?" Rosalie questioned.

"I'm not sure. I think it had to be some subconscious thing that she was doing just like with Edward," I told them wondering myself even subconsciously why she would not want Alice to see either of our futures.

"What ever the reason I am blank when it comes to you or Bella. You have no idea what that makes me feel like. How can I go on if I don't know what is going to happen?" she whined like a child who wasn't getting her way.

"One day at a time like most people. Some times not seeing what is going to happen is okay. That way you get to live in the moment and enjoy what you have….not consumed by what is going to happen. It is not the end of the world Alice," I tried to explain to her.

"Of course it is. Who am I without my powers?"

"God Alice get over yourself. Having a power does not make you any better than anyone else," Rosalie told her.

"You would say that because you don't have one. We all know that having a gift makes you special."

"I can't believe you Alice. Have you always been like this or is this something new that you have developed?" I asked her feeling like I did not know this person sitting in front of me. She looked like my wife but she did not sound at all like the sweet person I fell in love with.

"She is a fine actress Jasper. She had us all fooled. I don't know if she ever said one truthful thing in her existence. For all we know every one of her 'visions' could have been a lie to get us to do what she wanted," Rosalie told me but I had already been thinking the same thing.

"Is that true Alice…have you been making up visions to get us to do what you wanted us to do?" I asked through gritted teeth.

"Don't get all self righteous with me Jasper. You of all people have no room to condemn other. You are so far from perfect…"

"I never claimed to be perfect but I have always been honest and I have tried to be enough. Every thing I ever did was for you. I basically changed who I was to make you happy, to be who you wanted but it was never enough was it? Because I finally understand that you never really wanted me to begin with. All you wanted was someone you could shape and mold into what you needed and wanted. You never let me be me, never. Whenever I dared voice my opinion on anything you were quick as shit to find some way of quieting me," I told her watching her eyes widening and her emotions take off in different directions. I did not care that she was hurting. I wanted her to, "You are quite the skillful puppet master. You pull the strings on all of us watching us dance to your tune. If we dare try to step out of line well that is about the time that you have one of you famous visions, isn't it? Stupid us we never question them because how are we to know what the future is to bring. How are we to know that we are living Alice version of the future and not the real one? Do you ever feel guilty? Do you ever feel ashamed? Do you feel at all because right now all I see before me is a heartless, evil bitch," I told her venom spraying out of my mouth with those last three words.

"Please…for one the future is never a certain thing. It changes for any number of reasons not just because I will it. I'm not the bad guy. I never did anything you did not allow me to do. Besides no matter what the means in the end everything turns out the way it should," she instructed us and I could not feel one ounce of remorse or guilt coming off her. She really did not think she had done anything wrong.

"Yeah I guess you are right. I guess I should be thanking you. If you hadn't done what you did I might still be with you."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about you and me and the fact that we are over, done, finished. I want a divorce," I explained to her.

"You don't mean that."

"Oh yeah I fucking do. I've never been more certain of anything in my entire existence."

"It is because of her isn't it? It has nothing to do with me. You are just using this as an excuse so that you are free to go and fuck her," she spit out.

There were so many things I wanted to say to her in that moment but why? I no longer cared what she wanted, needed, or thought. I only cared that I was finally free.


	26. Chapter 26

I own nothing.

I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken-and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived – Margaret Mitchell

Chapter Twenty Six – When it's over its Over Part Two

**Bella's POV**

I felt like a broken twig caught up in a hurricane not knowing where I came from and not knowing where I was going. I was just drifting in the storm trying to survive and even if I did make it out alive I was lost, I belonged nowhere…especially here.

I should have never come back. What was the propose? To be reminded of everything that I lost and be shown everything that would never be. No this was not where I wanted to be.

I honestly don't know what I was thinking. That we were going to come back here and what? That he would take one look at her and know that it was over. No that hadn't happened. It was more like one look and he realized that he couldn't live without her.

I hadn't thought that it could get worse than having Rose run up one side of me and down the other but I had been so wrong as I found I usually was lately.

Walking down the stairs to see Alice in Jasper's arms kissing had made me physically sick. I wanted to run in there and pull him away from her and then scratch out her eyes. Wait not her eyes because I wanted her to be able to watch me when I claimed what was mine.

But he wasn't mine, he had never been mine, and he never would be mine.

"God I'm so pathetic."

"No your not," I heard from behind me as Emmett made his way over to me.

"Yeah I kind of am," I said feeling so dishearten, "Draw the short straw?" I asked trying to put on a brave face.

"What?"

"How did you get struck watching over me?"

"I volunteered. I wanted to make sure that you did not drain half of the northwest coast."

"I'm fine. I'd be more worried about your wife than perfectly innocent strangers. I mean how do you live with her?"

"I'm a saint."

"You would have to be to put up with her twenty four seven."

"I won't lie she does have her moments but she isn't all bad. Her bark is a hell of a lot worse than her bite, just remember that. She has been through a lot in her life. She has a hard shell to protect herself but underneath she is very breakable. Kind of like another girl I know," he told me with a wink.

"Now I know why you were always my favorite," I told him smiling.

"Cuz I'm the bomb baby."

I gave him another smile but didn't say anything. Why did this have to be so hard? Why couldn't I have come back here and have everything fall into place? All I wanted was to be a part of this family. 'No you want to rip the family apart. You want to destroy a marriage and divide brothers. You want what you want and the hell with who gets hurt. So don't lie and pretend that all you want is to be part of the family…you want a hell of a lot more than that.'

"What's wrong Bella? Come on tell your big brother all your problems."

"I wish you were my big brother Emmett but that is the problem, I don't belong here. I never really belonged here. If I had…"

"Of course you do. You are as much apart of this family as I am," he told me and I knew to him maybe I was. Everything was always so easy with Emmett. With him he said what he meant.

"Sure I am. Rosalie loathes me, Alice will soon enough, Edward…"

"Is this what all this is about…Edward?"

"Edward is well…"

"An ass. I know he really hurt you but you know it was because he really loves you. Twisted I know but that is Eddie for you," he half laughed.

"Eddie…huh? God he must hate that," I chucked thinking about how he must cringe every time Emmett called him that.

"Why do you think I call him that? Everything about Eddie is prim and proper right down to his name. Fuck I think he was born with a stick up his ass. But he is never going to change no matter how hard we try to get him to."

"I don't want him to change. If he did he wouldn't be Edward and there is nothing wrong with whom he is. Do you know how many girls would die to have a guy like him?" I said and had to laugh at my choice of words.

"Then what is the problem Bella?" Emmett asked getting right to the point without even knowing it.

The problem was that I was not in love with Edward anymore but I did not tell him that.

"It's complicated," was all I could say.

"Oh and dumb old Emmett could never understand," he huffed.

"I never said that."

"It's okay. I understand. I'm just going to head on home but I have just one thing to tell you before I go. Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more."

"Wow Emmett that is really profound," I said amazed.

"Yeah I know. I'm more than a pretty face. Think about what I said. I'll see you back at the house," he told me before bouncing off like a little boy grown tall. I guess it a lot of ways that was what he was but then just at the right moment he could pull something like that out of his hat.

He was right. Love was worth fight for. It was worth risking it all for. I just did not know if I was brave enough to do that. Because that was just what I would have to do for his love, fight. Alice would not hand him over to me on a silver platter. Not that Jasper was some kind of possession to be given or taken. He had a will of his own. He knew what he wanted and didn't want. Nothing that I did, nothing she did was going to change the true intent of his heart.

"You know Emmett didn't come up with that all on his own. He was quoting Erica Jong," Edward explained to me as he walked up to stand a few feet away from me.

Fuck! You would think these woods were big enough to get lost in for awhile. The last thing that I wanted to do was deal with him at the moment. All I wanted was quiet to deal with the typhoon of thoughts and emotions inside of me.

"Would it have killed you to just let him have a moment and take credit for it," I asked him my annoyance slipping out in my words.

"It is not right to take credit for things that are not yours," he informed me. God had he always been that self-righteous? Probably, I had just been looking at him through the eyes of a naïve girl in love.

"I'm not about to get into a decision with you on the topic of right and wrong."

I saw him stiffen slightly. His jaw locked down as if to keep him from saying something that he would regret later on. He just stared at me as he fought to remain in control. His eyes were dark and haunting but void. Then for a second I could see the hurt in them then it was gone his expression once again blank as he guarded his feelings from me.

"Is there a reason that you are here staring at me like a disapproving parent waiting for me to crack and admit wrong doing," I demanded, "That was always how it was in our relationship wasn't it? I was just the silly little child that could not be trusted to make any of her own decisions and you were the wise father figure that knew what was best for me."

"No that was not how I saw our relationship. Of course there were things that I had more experience with, things that you could not imagine the ramifications of," he lectured.

"Such as?"

"Well there was the matter of our physical relationship."

"You mean the lack of it," I whispered before I said, "As far as I knew you had as much experience as I did. Unless there is something that you neglected to tell me," I accused.

"Bella you know what I was speaking of," he told me and it did not get pass me that he had not answered the question.

"Yeah breakable me. It was a brilliant excuse. Sure I know it would have taken an enormous amount of control on your part but Lord knows that is the one thing that you are not lacking in. I know there is some other reason why."

"There was also the simple fact that when you make love it should only be done in the sanctity of marriage," he explained to me.

Oh my God did he really just say that? If it was anyone else I would be rolling on the ground laughing but I knew he truly believed that. Yet it still seemed like just another excuse.

"Thou shall not kill either but you haven't stuck to that commandment have you?" I shot at him instantly wishing that I hadn't. It was just that damn filter from my brain to my mouth seemed broken since I was changed.

"I'm sorry Edward. I should have never said that to you."

"Why not? It is true. I have killed. I am a monster damn to spend eternity repenting for my sins. If by chance I do end up dead I know then I will spend the rest of forever in hell. That is why I never wanted you to become like me. Not because I did not want to spend every waking moment of every day from now until forever with you but because I loved you too much to sentence you to my fate," he explained to me as he had too many times before.

"Having faced this recently I can tell you without doubt that I believe there is a God. I believe that he is kind and merciful. I believe he is forgiving. I believe that if you ask for forgiveness and are truly sorry for all your sins that he will allow you to walk through the gates of heaven. I don't think that he would turn away someone like Carlisle or Esme just because they are vampires. I have faith. But if I turn out to be wrong what you never understood was I would have rather danced in the fires of hell with all of you then fly threw the clouds of heaven without you. It was my decision, my soul to give, my life to end," I simply told him wishing that he understood where I was coming from. Though it did not matter anymore in my case since the deed had been done already. I knew if he could just see things from my point of view that he would find some peace in his existence.

"I was wrong Bella. I was wrong to make decisions for you. I was wrong to not see that you were more than capable of making choices for yourself. I was wrong not to believe in our love," he expressed to me before stopping to take a breath, "I was wrong to leave," he whispered.

"You broke me Edward. No you crushed me until there was nothing left of me but tiny particles of dust. Death would have been kind but instead Jasper pieced me back together as best he could. My body has healed but my heart hasn't completely healed yet. See when you broke it there were so many pieces that it will never be repaired to its previous condition. There is always going to be chunks missing, other parts too badly injured to work properly," I honestly told him not wanting to punish him with my words but I needed him to know.

"Bella, my love….please don't say that. It is killing me to hear you say such things," his lips shaking as he spoke and then he was down on his knees in front of me.

"Tell me I can make it up to you. I will do anything. I will spend forever righting the wrongs done to you. Just give me the chance," he begged.

My heart did break all over for him. I could almost physically feel the pain ripping through him. I had experienced that depth of pain before and it was not something that I would wish on my worst enemy.

"Edward I don't want to hurt you anymore than you are hurting right now but…"

"No please don't tell me that I am too late. You loved me once and I know if you give me the chance that I could make you love me again. Please…." He sobbed dropping his head into my lap.

Instinctively I ran my fingers over his head trying to sooth away his tearless sobs. His hair was so much softer then I remembered. And I could not help but remember more then the feel of his hair.

Images of us kissing, his lips ghosting over mine as I fisted my hands into the back of his hair trying to pull him closer. The touch of his cold finger tips skimming over my body. His smile and his golden eyes staring back at me in our meadow. Too many memories.

I could not forget so easy. I could not just pretend like it had never happened. As much as I wanted that I knew now it was impossible. I understood now how Jasper could be back in the arms of Alice. You never forget your first love.

"Edward…"

"Please?" he whispered and I was not sure he knew what he was asking please for.

"Edward all I can tell you right now is that I do forgive you. I know that you never truly meant to hurt me and that you did what you did base on what you thought was right for me but I will not forgive you again for the same thing. I am capable of making decisions for myself no matter the outcome. I also do not hate you no matter what you did to me but you hurt me beyond compare. I don't know if I can ever get over that. It is one thing to forgive but another to forget. It would never be the same…." I told him not sure what I was saying. My brain was over rot with thoughts.

"It doesn't have to be the same. It can be something new and different and completely better. All I am asking for is a chance. I know I do not deserve it but I'm begging," he breathed over me up now on his knees staring into my face with hope spread across his features. God he was beautiful in a tragic lost little boy way.

How did I look into that face and break his heart as he had mine?


	27. Chapter 27

I own nothing.

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing – Anais Nin

Chapter Twenty Seven – Second Chances

**Jasper's POV**

I had to get out of here. I could not stand to look at her one second longer. I was afraid of the bodily harm that I would cause her if she dared speak to me trying to justify her reasons for fucking with all of our lives. And God knows there would be no holding me back if she said another word about Bella.

Bella had been right. Coming back here had been such a mistake. Why hadn't I listened to her?

"Jasper wait," Rosalie called after me grabbing my arm to stop me from leaving.

"Not now," I told her not able to deal with any of my family right now. All I wanted was to get away from all this.

"Are you okay?" she asked in a soothing voice. I stopped and tried to calm down.

"Fuck no I'm not okay. I just found out that I am married to a crazy bitch," I told her clearly not doing a good job of calming down. Fuck I wished just for once I could control my own emotions.

"I'm sorry Jasper. We…I should have never left you behind," Rose told me and I was taken back for a moment by her apology. She was not one to say something that she didn't mean just to make someone feel better.

"It was not your fault. I am not mad at you. Alice is to blame for all of this."

"What are you going to do now?" she asked me.

"Get the fuck out of here as soon as I find Bella," I told Rose. We were getting out of here. I wondered if she was still up for Canada.

"Was Alice right? Is there something going on between you and her?" she demanded not asked.

"There wasn't but as soon as I find her there is going to be," I told her with a smirk. God I could not wait to have her in my arms. The only time anything had ever felt right in I don't know how long was when she was there. Why had it taken all this to figure that out?

"Jasper do you really have feelings for her or is this just something to piss Alice off with?" she accused.

"You know me better than that. There was something happening between us before we came back here but I thought I owed it to Alice and my marriage to come back here and try to make it work. You know the mistake that was. No matter if there was a Bella it would be over between Alice and me."

"You did the right thing no matter how it seems right now just for the simple fact that you would have felt guilty if you let anything happen before you knew it was over with Alice. I just have to ask are you sure about Bella?"

"You really don't like her do you?"

"The new Bella is an improvement over the old one but let's just say there is no love lost between us. I just don't see the appeal that she has but then again I don't have a have a dick and a pair of balls."

I laughed at her refreshed by her honesty and candor. Leave it to Rose to come up with shit like that.

"What about Edward?" she asked.

"What about him? As far as I know he has a dick and a pair of balls but I can see where you might question that," I came back at her. I and Rose always had that easy banter.

"Good one Jasper…ha ha ha," she laughed, "Now seriously do you think that he is going to just sit back and let you have her? Do you not remember he tried to behead you just a few hours ago over simply changing her? What do you think his reaction is going to be to you screwing her?"

"Ask me if I care," I told her.

"I know that you don't care but what about Bella? Are you so sure that it is over between them? Because I for one don't think that it is," she told me and I was not sure if she really thought that or if she was just trying to get into my head and make me doubt Bella.

"All I can go by is what she told me and that was that it was done and over."

"That was before she saw him again."

Fuck Rose had done her job of making me doubt Bella's feelings for me. How could I not. He was her first love. He was the man she had been willing to give up her life for. He had meant everything to her not that long ago. Now here she was with him and if I knew Edward he was going to move heaven and earth to get her back. And why wouldn't she go running back into his arms? What had I done to try and stop that…nothing? Worse than nothing I had told her that I wanted to try and work it out with my wife. God I was an ass.

I truly did not deserve her. I deserved to have her back in his arms. I deserved to lose her. If I had been honest with myself I would have known that I didn't have to come back here to know that I was not in love with Alice anymore. Any lingering feelings were nothing more than obligations and guilt. Our marriage had been over long before she left me.

God I needed to find Bella and tell her that it was over with Alice and me.

I had just made my way out the back door when I nearly ran into Emmett.

"Hey bro. Have you seen Bella?" I asked.

"Just left her in the far east corner of the woods."

"Thanks."

"Just so you know I smelled Eddie sniffing around over there."

Fuck. I should have known if I left her alone for one second that he would pounce on her. When was that fucker going to realize that it was over with them? She did not want him anymore. At least that was what I was telling myself to block out Rose's words that it really wasn't.

I took off into a run making it to the spot where Bella and Edward were in no time at all. I was not sure if I had just missed something or was about to interrupt something. He was kneeling down in front of her staring up into her eyes giving her his best puppy dog look. And from what I could see she was falling for it.

I did not speak as I walked slowly up towards them. Bella could not see me but Edward did.

'Move away from her NOW.' I yelled at him in my mind so that Bella did not hear. Rage started to boil at the sight of him with her. I did not know how long I would be able to control myself.

Surprising he did just as I instructed but not without enough anger to bring me to my knees. He stared over at me with such distain and hatred it was completely overwhelming.

No matter what happened from this moment on, whether Edward fought for Bella, whether he walked away, whether I ended up with her or not I knew that whatever relationship Edward and I had shared in the past was over. We would no longer be brothers but enemies. Two men in love with the same woman one losing her. There could be no other outcome.

"Jasper…" he said announcing my arrival to Bella. She jumped up clearly feeling guilty over whatever had been happening here between the two of them.

She instantly gravitated towards me leaving Edward standing all alone. I almost felt sorry for him because I knew what he was losing but in the end he was the reason that he had lost her. Some times you had to live in the prison of your own making.

"Are you okay?" she asked me sensing the strain on me from the expression on my face to the tension in my body.

"We need to talk," I told her not wanting to give away anything to Edward to where our conversation was going to go. It also meant that Bella had not idea either.

She was eying me covered in worry. As if she just knew what I was about to tell her. I'm sure that she imagined it was that I was staying with Alice. God just the thought of her was enough to make my blood boil.

"Bella…may we continue our conversation at a later time?" Edward asked her presenting himself in front of her. She just quietly shook her head yes. With that he was gone but not before he sent me a low growl in warning.

'She's not yours anymore.' I reminded him as he passed causing him to stop for a second and stare me down. I think if it was not for Bella watching us that would have come to blows once again. In the end he backed down and disappeared into the woods. 'That's right Eddie boy run away with your tail between your legs.'

I stood there for a good while just staring at her. I know it had to be hard for her but it was not for any other reason than I wanted to make sure that Edward was far far away from us before we talked.

"Jasper if you could please just tell me what is going on I would appreciate it. This silence torture is too much for me to handle," she whispered to me not looking at me as she did.

"I'm sorry. I was just trying to think about…stuff," I told her my brain all over the place as I tried to deal with seeing her with him and what it had meant, "Is there anything that you want to tell me?" I questioned of her needing to know before I poured my heart out to her if her heart was some where else. I hoped not but after what I walked up to I could not be sure.

"I don't know what you are talking about."

"Edward…" I informed her knowing one word said it all.

"Nothing has changed between Edward and me. Not really," she mumbled, "We talked. He apologized and I forgave him. He asked me for another chance," she simply said still not looking at me. It was worrying me.

"And what did you tell him?"

"I didn't get a chance to tell him anything. I was trying to when you came walking up."

"What were you going to tell him?"

"Jasper you really shouldn't be worried about what is going on with Edward and me. I mean what does it matter to you if I did get back together with him," she said to me coldly.

"How could you say that to me?" I demanded.

"Easy. We have no ties to each other. In fact you are a married man. You shouldn't be here with me. You should be back with Alice…kissing her."

So that was what all this was about. She had seen that moment with Alice. She thought that I was back together with my wife.

"Alice kissed me if you must know. Yeah I let it happen which was wrong but my heart was not in it," I explained to her and then added, "Things are over between us."

"So seeing her again was what you needed to have this revelation," she questioned of me.

"It wasn't just seeing her. Yeah I mean I didn't have that rush of emotions when I saw her again and when she kissed me I felt nothing. Why all the questions?" I asked her. She seemed very suspicious of what I was telling her.

"Because I don't want to be the consolation prize. I don't want to be your Plan B when things don't go the way you wanted them to go with Alice. I want you to be with me because not being with me is a living hell," she let me know in no uncertain terms.

I did not know where all her anger was coming from. We had talked about this all before we arrived here. She knew how I felt and my reasons behind my decisions.

"You are not my Plan B. My feelings for you have not changed. I did however explain to you that I had to see my marriage through until the end. I made a commitment to her and I don't take that lightly. What kind of man would I be if I just walked away so easily? Not a man that you wanted," I tried to explain to her.

"I just feel like you don't really know what you want. You have flipped flopped so much. You went from doing anything possible to get Alice back including changing me to questioning your feelings for her. Then you had the revelation that you had some kind of feelings for me. Then it was back to trying to make your marriage work again. Now to it being over," she let me know. Not that she had to. I had a perfect memory.

"Fuck yeah I have been all over the place but I've been with Alice for decades. We've been through a lot together. And no matter what she did recently there was a time when she saved my life. So just walking away without a second thought is not realistic."

"I do understand that Jasper. I really truly do. I don't want to come off like a jealous demanding bitch. I am just confused about everything. There has been so much so fast and I feel like I am spinning at the speed of light."

"What are you trying to tell me?"

She just stood there staring at her hands pulling her sleeves over them then she wrapped her arms around herself as if trying to get warm. I understood that feeling. The coldness coming off of her was fucking making me cold.

"I don't know how to say this. I guess I'm saying that we need to take a step back and see what happens. There is no reason to dive into the deep end. Splashing in the shallow end is fine with me for now. That way it gives us both time to let go of our former commitments and really have a chance to know each other. I don't want this to be a rebound thing for either of us. We both thought that we had found our soul mates but now here we are….I don't want either of us to make that mistake again," she explained to me.

Well that was it. As Rose had said, 'You really fucked up this time didn't you?' That was officially what I had done. I had had my chance and I had screwed it up by asking her to sit back and wait for me to suck face with my wife.

Then again it was quite possible that it had nothing to do with me. What if all it had taken was seeing Edward again to make her realize that he was who she really wanted? It really was not that far off.

"You are mad at me."

"I don't know what I am. I don't know any fucking thing right now. Nothing makes sense. People I think I know are showing me that I don't know anything. You told me that you were over Edward and that you were starting to feel something for me. You told me that you would give me a chance to figure things out with Alice but I had no idea that it was ten minutes. It has not been twenty four hours since we came here and I come to you and tell you that it is over with Alice and I want to be with you and you blow me off," I told her getting madder and madder by the minute.

"I am not blowing you off. I am just saying that there is no reason for us to jump into this. I just want to make sure this is what you want," she told me but all I could hear was 'I want to make sure this is what I really want.'

Maybe she was right. Maybe this was all too much too soon. Maybe we needed to just see what happened. If what we were feeling was real well it would only grow stronger in time.

If she needed some time then I would have to give it to her just as she had me when I asked for it.

"Alright. We will do things your way. We will take our time and I guess…date," I told her with a smile hoping it was enough to soothe over the moment.

"Date…" she said letting the word sink in and then she smiled too, "I think I would very much like to date you," she giggled.

The smile on my face increased until I felt it take over my face. God all she had said was she wanted to date me and it had made me this happy.

Then I started to panic. I did not know how to date. I don't think I had ever been on an official date.

What did you do on a date? You went out to dinner. We didn't eat and asking her to go hunting probably was not a good date idea. Okay what else? Movies. People went to the movies on dates. We could do that.

"Jasper…"

"Sorry I was just thinking about our first date."

"What were you thinking?"

"That I can't wait for it to happen."

"Why is that?"

"Well because do you know what happens at the end of a date?" I asked her walking the few steps closer to her.

"What?" she whispered.

"I get to kiss you."

"Oh," she said her eyes lighting up and then she grinned, "Is there any reason why we have to wait until we go on a date to kiss?" she asked me.

Oh this girl was going to be my undoing.


	28. Chapter 28

I own nothing.

Men are good in one way, but bad in many – Aristotle

Chapter Twenty Eight – Two Faces of Evil

**Edward's POV**

As I walked away from them I could feel the darkness seeping in all around me until I there was nothing else.

The monster was closing in on me fast and hard. He was right outside the door breathing heavy knocking demanding to come in. I did not know how long I was going to hold him off. Honestly I was not sure how long I wanted to hold him off. He would easily take care of that motherfucker for me.

Growling to release some anger before I exploded I took out my rage on anything in my line of sight. Minutes later there was nothing left but destruction. It felt good but it was not enough.

Right now the only thing stopping me from ripping him into a million fucking pieces and dancing around a bon fire as I toasted his limps like marshmallows was Alice. She might not be able to see his future but she would see mine and then there would be no playing innocent when they questioned me where was the asshole formally known as my brother.

He and I had never been overly close. I detested his lack of control. A thousand theories and reasons could be spoken and for me it came to the simple fact that he did not care enough to rein in his thirst. It had nothing to do with weak or strong. Humans were nothing but a food bank to him so why try to control the impulse.

Case in point was the fact that he had been able to taste Bella's blood as he changed her and not lost control. Blood sweeter than any others and still he had been able to just sip from her. It proved that if he really wanted to he could restrain from wanting to drain every human he came into contact with. It just proved that he didn't want to.

That was just one of the reasons why I could not stand him.

Others included the fact that he thought that he was better than us. He had been this big bad Major not only in the human war but the vampire one too. Well guess what who gives a flying fuck. Only he could be proud of being part of the destruction of thousands of people. Comes right back to giving a shit about anyone but himself. Sure he claimed he felt guilt and remorse over that time in his life but I've read his mind and he honestly didn't. He did not care about all the lives he had taken and destroyed.

He didn't care about much including our family.

He was respectful towards Carlisle and Esme but he never called them mom and dad like we all did. That grated on me to no end. They had taken him into this family as one of their own. They did not have to do that. Lord knows they had more than enough reasons to kick him out. The amount of bodies we had to cover up and the times we had to disappear because of his little slips were too many to count.

Truth be told he never really treated any of us like we were little more than a step above strangers. He was probably the closest with Rosalie but still there was separation there too. What would you expect from someone like him? He had always been cold and uncaring. Even with his own wife.

No matter what was said about Alice she had given and given until there was nothing left to give to her husband. Living in constant fear of the next time he went off the wagon was what she had to deal with. And she held herself responsible when it did happen since it was her who had not seen it coming. Losing her power to look into his future was such a blessing. I knew she did not feel like it at the moment but she would soon. Soon she would see him for what he really was… just like I did.

Soon she would loathe him with the same fieriness that coursed through me. Soon she would see that he was nothing more than the lowest piece of garbage that did not deserve her love and protection. Then and only then would I be able to remove him from my life but more importantly from Bella's.

The only joy in anything that had happened was that my Bella was here with me.

My dead heart broke over the fact that monster had destroyed her precious soul damning her to this unholy life but selfish as I was I could not contain the tremendous amount of overwhelming joy to have her back.

Leaving her had been my preview into hell and the longer I was without her the more I came to believe that hell would be nothing compared to the suffering I was experiencing living without her. I would have easily lived through it for the next five hundred years though if it kept Bella safe.

But I had not kept her safe. I had left her unguarded and vulnerable. I was as much to blame for what had happened to her as was Jasper.

Even though I had ended things with Bella I should have stayed and watched over her from a far to ensure her continued safety and happiness. But no I could not take the pain of watching her without having her so I left her to fend off parasites that only cared about sucking the life from her.

How she could not see that was beyond me. How could she stand there and defend him as her saving grace? It sickened me in a way that nothing had before.

It made me question what he had done to her. It was like he had fucking brainwashed her to believe that he was this heroic self sacrificing demigod. In reality all he was just a sadistic self serving demon set on possession.

Well what he wanted to possess already belonged to me and I was not about to sit back and willing allow him to take her away from me. She was mine and mine alone.

I had no doubt that once Jasper was out of the picture that she would be back in my arms. Just the few moments that we had spent together earlier I had seen her warming up to me. Of course she had not totally forgiven me but it was just a matter of time. Bella never could remain mad at me. It was not in her. That was because she loved me more than I thought possible to be loved. She just had to be reminded of that. She needed to remember what it was like to be with me. How I could make her feel. The way she melted when we touched. How she begged me to go further and now there was nothing stopping that from happening.

That was it.

Once I had made love to her there would be no more thoughts of Jasper or any fucking one else for that matter.

"Edward I have been looking everywhere for you. We have to talk about this situation that you have created," Alice demanded coming up to me looking more like a demented imp than her usual hyper pixie self.

"I have not created any situation. If anyone is to blame for this mess it is your husband," I informed her crossing my arms in front of me.

"If he has it his way he won't be my husband much longer. Can you believe that he wants a divorce? Me…he wants a divorce from me. Does he know who is fucking with?" she hissed her eyes growing dark with her anger.

"Alice he does not have a fucking idea who he is fucking with. When _we_ are finished with him he is not going to know what hit him," I explained to her. The monster inside of me was doing a happy dance right now. I thought that I was going to have to wait for this to come about. But already Alice was on the same page as me. Together we were going to make Jasper rue the day he fucked us both over.

"Slow down there Edward. Jasper is going to pay but _I_ am going to be the one to make him suffer. This really has nothing to do with you," she informed me with a huff.

"How the hell can you say that?"

"Can you think about anyone but yourself for just one minute? We are talking about my marriage here not just some chick that was in your life for a blink of an eye."

"You know that Bella is everything to me."

"Blah blah blah that is all I hear when you talk anymore," she said with hand movements and all.

"I don't honestly care about what you think of me. My only concern is getting Bella back and I need to get rid of Jasper to do that."

"Do not touch him…do you hear me?" she growled and stepped closer to me. It was almost laughable to watch her try to intimidate me. She really was a little ball of fire when she wanted to be.

"Why do you care so much about him? We both know that you are not in love with him anymore," I asked her as she started to settle back down. She never stayed mad for long, well not so that you could see. She was more the sweet angel on the outside as she plotted and schemed on the inside like an evil little demon.

"So? That is not the point. As far as I am concerned he is mine and mine alone until I decide I don't want him anymore," she explained to me like he was nothing more than a possession she owned. She really knew nothing about how to have a healthy relationship.

"Fine with me. All I want is him out of the picture as far as Bella is concerned. After that you can do whatever you want with him. The worst the better," I told her picturing dozens of different forms of torture.

"I'm not quite sure what I have planned for him but don't worry I will come up with something fitting," she smiled and I knew she would. It might not be the physical kind that I imagined but Alice was very good at fucking with a person's mind.

"How much does he know?"

"Don't worry he does not know as much as he thinks he knows. All he has found out is that I lied about a few of my visions and also about the fact that I had stopped seeing his future and that it was my idea to leave him behind. Nothing important and nothing that he won't get over," she explained to me and I had to hand it to her she was good. She really did have a way about her. No one could stay mad at her for long and no one ever said no to her. Whatever she wanted she got. That was one of the reasons that I kept her secrets because she promised me that she would keep mine and help me get what I wanted. We had a very 'you scratch my back, I'll scratch your back' type of relationship.

People including our family always thought that we were very close but that was not really the case. It was much more 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer.' Me and Alice had found out a long time ago that with our powers we could get about anything we wanted. Then we realized that if we worked together there was no stopping us.

"Good," I said knowing if her secrets were save then mine were. I did not doubt for one minute that if hers got revealed that she would have no problem airing all my dirty little secrets. Yeah I was smart enough to know don't cross her.

"So the way I see it we need each other. Bella is standing between me and Jasper and Jasper is standing between Bella and you. All we have to do is break that bond and poof we both get what we want."

"I understand that dear little sister but how do you propose we go about that since Jasper wants a divorce and Bella isn't much happier with me."

"Come on Edward…you made her fall in love with you once and you can do it again. A few crooked smiles here, a couple of sweet words there, and she will be panting all over again begging you to fuck her. And think about it, this time you can really do it," she giggled. I knew just how evil that laugh was.

"Don't be so crude Alice."

"Seriously you need to get laid."

Sexual tension might be a small part of my problem. There was never anyone before Bella that made me want to experience a physically relationship. That was due to the fact that I was never in love with anyone else. Once I found Bella it was something that I struggled with every time we were close. She had no idea the pain I went through. It was harder to sustain from taking her body than her blood.

But I had because I could not live with myself if I hurt her in anyway. My need for her was nothing compared to my need to protect her. But I did not have to worry about that now.

"Do you think that they have fucked?"

"What?" I asked knowing that I had not heard her correctly.

"I said do you think that Jasper and Bella have fucked?"

I could not speak as the monster opened the door. All I could see was black. I was going to kill him and I did not care who knew. In fact I was going to plan a party around his destruction. Invite all of them to come and watch as I tore him completely apart. Not just limp from limp but I would start by ripping each and every one of his fingers and toes off then I would move on to a part that he was never going to get to use again.

"Edward come down from the ledge," Alice yelled shaking me sounding so damn annoyed. How could she say that to me after she had put that mental image in my brain, "I did not say that they did I just got that sexual vibe coming from them well more so from Jasper if we want to be honest. Let's fact it Bella is kind of prudish. Not to mention tomboyish. Not matter how I tried I could never break her of that."

"There is nothing wrong with anything to do with Bella."

"You are talking to me here. How many times did you ask me to help her with her wardrobe? _'Alice can you take Bella shopping? Try putting her in something more classic and that does not look like it came from a thrift store. Blue is my favorite color and try something more feminine like a skirt or a dress. I would like it to look like I am dating a girl. Oh and make sure she does not know that this was my idea.'_ How many times did that happen?" she accused.

I could not think of anything to come back with because I knew she was right. I had asked Alice to take Bella shopping at times. Her style was a little trailer park chic. I understood that in the past that money was an issue in her family but that was before. She was going to be a Cullen then she needed to look like a Cullen. It was not that hard though she tried to make it that way.

"And not to mention that you offered me a new car of my choosing if I destroyed her truck, remember that?"

"Oh come on…that truck is crime against humanity."

"You don't need to preach to the choir. I agree with you about all Bella's faults and I could come up with a few more. I am just trying to remind you of them since you seemed to have forgotten."

"I have not forgotten."

"Good because Edward you could do so much better. You know that. You know what is waiting out there for you if…"

"No Alice I don't want to hear it. Bella is the only one I want. It does not matter what you say or think just the way that it does not matter what I say about your dear little husband. Okay?"

"Yes dear brother," she said clearly annoyed, "So what is the plan?" she asked me.

"You tell me little sister. You are the master liar and manipulator."

"I do have some great qualities, don't I?"


	29. Chapter 29

I own nothing.

The joys of parents are secret, and so are their grief and fears: they cannot utter the one, nor will they utter the other – Francis Bacon Sr.

Chapter Twenty Nine – Parental Support

**Jasper's POV**

She stared at me with all the innocence of an angel but her lips formed a wicked little smile that spoke of carnal desires. She licked her lips and took her plump bottom lip between her teeth. It was enough to undo me but when she lowered her eyes and then glanced up at me through her long lush eyelashes I was lost.

Unable to stop myself I stepped the last inch separating us bringing her body to mine. As I reached out to touch her she closed her eyes completely lost in the moment. Instead of bending down to kiss her I reached out with my finger tips and traced the side of her neck all the way down to the swell of her breast. She shivered and I smiled. She was mine. Finally she was all mine.

The first touch of my lips to hers was soft, sweet. The way first kisses should be. No hurrying, no rushing, just exploring each other.

But my need was too great to keep it that way. I crushed not just my lips but my whole body into her demanding complete surrender from her. She willingly gave it. Her arms went up around my neck where she dug her fingers into my hair and pulled me closer deepening the kiss. I could not contain the moan that sounded more like a growl. That sound seemed to spur her on as she pulled me even closer slipping her tongue into my mouth. Fuck! She tasted so fucking amazing. Like sweet mint exploding in my mouth. I could not get enough.

I felt the weight leave her body as if she was not strong enough to hold herself up. Slowly with care I lowered her to the ground hovering above her. I stared down lost in her, lost in her beauty, her innocence.

"I'm not breakable anymore, Jasper," she whispered as she wrapped her legs around me pulling me completely on top of her. This full contact emitted a moan to escape both of our mouths.

"I want you," I exhaled into her mouth as my hand trailed up under the hem of her shirt. I needed to feel her. I needed to feel all of her. I needed to make her mine.

Before I could move forward she stiffened under me and then pulled away leaving me panting and hard. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

"I'm sorry Jasper," she whispered.

"Why did you pull away?" I demanded my current condition making me a little cranky.

"I said I was sorry. I…" she started to say but couldn't seem to finish her thought. I could understand that. My brain seemed to be the only body part of mine not working.

I paced around in a small circle trying to walk off my hard on. Fuck I had to start wearing looser fitting jeans. These left no room for growth. God this girl was going to be the death of me.

"It's alright Bella," I told her as reason started to return to my brain as another part of my body calmed down.

"It is not that I don't want to because _I REALLY WANT TO_ but like I said all this is happening so fast. I just got caught up in the moment," she explained to me again biting on her bottom lip but this time it had a totally different effect on me.

"I'm the one who is sorry. My brain doesn't seem to work that well when we are kissing," I told her with a half smirk trying to lighten the mood and let her know that I was far from mad. Horny but not mad.

"Me either. I am use to me being the one pushing for things to go further only to be stopped cold in my tracks so with both of us having no self control we could get in some real trouble."

"I like trouble," I grinned at her thinking I liked any thing that involved her. Hell I would trail behind her through a thousand shops and stores if she asked. The best thing about Bella though was she didn't care about things like the latest fashion trends or if her clothes all had designer labels. She was simple but in the best way.

"You are trouble," she laughed and then it faded and worry filled her face.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing really. I was just wondering what next? What do we do now? Are we going to leave and head off into the sunset or is there some reason that you would like to remain here?" she questioned of me.

"If you are asking if I want to stick around because of Alice the answer is no. Just the opposite. I want to be a million miles away from her. But yeah I think we need to stick around for a little bit. I want to figure a way to explain your death to your family. I want to give you and them that peace of closure. I also have to deal with a little thing called my divorce."

Divorce…I never thought that word would be part of my vocabulary. Alice and I were suppose to be forever. Forever turned out to be too long.

"Jasper…you know if you are not ready for that we can just see how things go," she told me thinking that my hesitation was because even after everything that I had said that I was having second thoughts about ending my marriage.

"Are you kidding me? It is over between us. Like with marriage that is just a piece of paper. It means nothing to me personal but I know for Alice she is going to need it to get it. Until I hand her those papers she is going to think there is a chance," I explained to her thinking I did not want to be in a fifty mile ratios when she got the divorce papers.

"If you are sure…like really sure. I just don't want to be the other woman or the reason your marriage ends."

"Don't worry Alice gets that honor," I informed her wondering even though she was not the reason that I was ending my marriage if not for her would I have had the courage to go through with it.

"Okay I believe you," she said but I could see a hint of doubt in her eyes, "So do you have any ideas how we are going to explain away my death with no body? I know my father and he is not going to be convinced easily."

"Not off the top of my head but I am sure that Carlisle will have some ideas. We will figure it out," I promised her.

"I feel like such a horrible daughter. I have been so consumed with my own needs and feelings that I forgot about everyone else. I just want him to find peace and happiness. I don't think that he has felt any of that since my mother left him when I was little," she told me and I could feel her sadness.

"I don't want you to worry about him. I am going to make it right. I am going to make everything perfect so that when we leave here there is nothing holding us back. I want no ties, no what ifs, and no regrets. Remember the fresh start?" I told her wanting her to believe it.

"I remember."

"Good because we will have it and nothing or no one is going to stop us."

"I hope you are right about that."

"What are you worried about or should I ask who?"

"I don't know. I mean do you plan on telling all of them about us?"

"Well Rose, Alice, and probably Edward have their suspicions about what is happening between us already. So no matter what we say they are going to figure that there is something going on. If you don't want to come out and confirm anything to them then we don't have to."

She just stared at me as the wheels in her brain went round and round. There was an inter war going on in there.

"I really don't care what they think. I just don't want to cause any problems so if you would rather keep it to ourselves for now…"

"Are you kidding me? I am so ready to let all of them know that you are mine."

"Okay," she told me smiling up at me. Clearly I had given her the answer she wanted, "Just be prepared to watch your back. Edward is not going to handle this well."

"I am not worried about him but you might want to take your own advice. Who knows what Alice will do? I don't trust that crazy bitch."

"You forget two things. One is that I am not a frail human anymore. Second and most importantly I have you to protect me from the big bad bitch."

I just laughed at her taking her hand into mine heading towards home.

The house was quiet when we arrived back there. There was a moment of pause wondering if Alice was in there silently waiting to strike.

Fuck when did I become such a pansy? Was I really standing there worrying about a four foot nothing little girl? Well… maybe just a little.

I was like a solider on a scouting mission as we walked in. I took in everything looking for a trap or a sign of an ambush. All was well it appeared. We finally found Esme sitting at the counter in the kitchen.

"How are you guys doing? Did you enjoy your walk?" she asked with a sweet smile.

"It was good. Some much needed air to clear our heads. I'm going to go talk to Carlisle. Is it okay if Bella hangs out here with you for awhile?" I asked her. I felt disappointment instantly. I did not quite understand her feelings.

"How could you even ask me that? I would love to share some time with you Bella. Come sit next to me and let us have a nice long talk," she told Bella patting the chair next to her.

Bella looked at me and then back to Esme before she smiled and took the spot next to her. Esme smile radiated filling the space with warmth and love. I smiled back heading up the stairs knowing my girl was in good hands.

I stood outside of Carlisle's office calming myself. This conversation was going to be anything but easy. I needed his help. I knew that but that did not mean that I was happy to be asking for it. I wanted to be able to handle things on my own. I guess I was not so different than any other child that had to go to their parents for help.

I gently knocked. When he opened the door I was taken back by what stared back at me. Though we did not age physically I could see in his eyes how he had aged. He looked wore out and drained. Worry and guilt emitted from every cell in his body.

"Carlisle."

"Jasper my son please come in," he said ushering me in.

I walked into his office and the sense of familiarity. No matter where we moved, no matter how many times Esme redecorated Carlisle's office always remained the same. I suppose it was his way of keeping some form of routine.

"How are you?" he asked me having taken his normal seat at his desk. Even though physically we were but a year apart Carlisle was nearly two hundred years older than me. That was probably the reason that he seemed so much older and wiser than me. Or maybe it was the fact that he had his shit together.

"I'm doing pretty well all things considered."

"I don't even know where to begin to express my deepest regrets for the mistakes done upon to you."

"There really is no need. I'm fully aware that you all were pawns in Alice's sick twisted little game."

"No matter the cause we were wrong. You are my child. No matter what you think I love all of you completely the same," he spoke softly his words filled with love, concern, guilt, and many other emotions but all of them was real and true.

"I do believe that. Just like I hope that you believe that even though I do not say so each and every day that to me you are my father. I respect you. I look to you for guidance. I strive to be more like you. If when I grow up I am half the man that you are then I will be a remarkable man," I explained to him.

He just stared at me. I swear if he could he would be blushing. His emotions told me that. Embarrassment filled him completely. As the embarrassment wore off the pride took over. With it a smile grew across his face.

"I appreciate all those thoughts but I truly do not deserve such praise especially in light of how I have acted lately. I hope though one day that I can become more like the person you expect to see."

"No one is prefect. Nothing in life is for sure. Which brings me to the reason that I am here," I began wondering why this was so hard.

"I will understand if you need some time to deal with everything that has happened. All I can tell you is that Esme and I will stand behind any decisions that you make. I will tell you that I hope some how that you can find a way to remain here with your family."

"I am not sure that will ever be possible after what has happened."

"Edward will forgive you. I imagine that once he has some time to think about it that you will actually thank you. You know the struggle he went through over the thought of changing Bella. That was because in his heart there was nothing that he wanted more. His mind was another story. He now has what he wanted without having to live with that guilt."

"That is the thing though Carlisle…he is not going to have what he wants."

"Why is that?"

"Because Bella does not love him anymore."

"How do you know that?"

"We have spoken about her feelings. We have become quite close."

"That was obvious earlier. It is clear the bond you two share is special."

"More than you know. See the thing is Bella and I have developed feelings for each other. We have decided to be together."

Silence. That was all I heard. Even his emotions were silent. There was just nothing. I think I had shocked him into some catatonic state. With no hint that he was going to speak any time soon I continued.

"We are going to take it slow. Date…she came up with the idea to date. That is some thing new for me but that is okay. I find with her every thing is new and different and nothing had even felt so good. We both know that this is not going to be easy for Edward or Alice. But they are going to have to get over it. It might be weird for the rest of you too but like them you are just going to have to deal with it."

Still nothing but silence.

"I have not spoken to Alice about this yet but I will. I am going to file for divorce. This is only partly due to the events of the last few months. It did though give me time to explore feelings that I have had for some time. I am not happy with her anymore."

"Jasper I can't tell you what to do but I feel I have to advice you about this decision. Marriage is not always easy. It has its ups and downs. Some times you disagree. There are times you might not even like each other very much. Marriage though is suppose to be forever. Remember the vows?"

"I do. I have been a faithful, loving husband. I have stood by and seen and done things that I did not like for the sake of my marriage. I even came back here with every intention of making it work. I never imagined that I would be ending my marriage but I can not sit back and live this life anymore."

"What about Bella and Edward?"

"Bella is not the same girl she was before you left. In fact she is not a girl anymore. She has grown into a woman sure what she wants. And she does not want Edward anymore. Even if there were no us she would not want him."

"This is not going to go over well. Edward is not going to handle this well."

"I am not really worried about how he handles this only that he stays away from Bella."

"You know he is not going to do that."

"Well he won't have a choice. After I deal with Alice and we deal with Bella's family we are leaving."

"Okay let's take this one thing at a time. Bella's family?"

"I want to give her closure with her human life which means giving her mother and father closure. We have to come up with some believable explanation of her death. I owe them all that. It is not going to be easy. I am hoping that you will be able to help me with that."

"I want that for her and them also. I went to see Charlie and he is broken. He can not except that she is not coming home and without solid proof he is not going to. I will help anyway I can. Give me some time to think on it."

"Thank you. That is all I can ask."

"What about Alice?"

"Alice is going to have to deal with this. She is not going to be happy. She is going to try and bend me to her way but it is not going to happen. She is my past and Bella is my future. Right now that future is also not here. We are going to start over on our own somewhere way from the family," I told him and he did not seem too surprised.

"Though I would like to have all of my family together I can not fault you on wanting a fresh start. I just want to see all of you happy."

"Thank you."

"You are welcome. I'll talk to you later and son one last thing…good luck. You are going to need it."

Bella's POV

I was nervous to talk to Esme. She seemed to be feeling the same about talking to me.

Esme was quiet for several moments not looking at me. She avoided speaking as she piled her sketch book, color pencils, and design books in a neat pile.

"Do you prefer one color over another?" she finally asked me of the paint chips spread out in front of us. It was an odd question but I knew it was her way of breaking the ice.

"I like the yellow but I like the grey too. Design really is not my thing. I am a pretty simple type of girl," I explained to her.

"You would be surprised how good your eye is for it. Besides decorating is just about putting together things that you like and that makes you feel comfortable and at home."

"I don't even know where home is anymore. I haven't in awhile."

"Bella I am so sorry for what we have done to you. We should have never left you behind thinking that we did not care about you. When I told you that you were a daughter to me I meant that. That was not conditional on you being with Edward," she expressed to me.

"I believed you when you said that. I always felt like this was home, my home not just my boyfriend's place. You and Carlisle were the parents that I never had but always wanted. Though I love my mother with all my heart it was never easy. It was more like I was the parent taking care of her. As for my father I love him to death but we never had too much time together as I was growing up. He did not know how to be a father and I did not know how to be a daughter. Plus both of us are very similar. Sharing our feelings was not on the top of our list of easy things to do. Being here with you guys it just felt like a family should. So when you left it was heartbreaking. Put Edward aside losing you and Carlisle and everyone else it was enough to destroy me. I felt so unloved, so unwanted."

"That was never the case. I hope you know that. We love you. No matter what happens in the future we are going to be here for you. No matter what happens with Edward we are never going to leave you again. That is my promise and I never lie to my children," she vowed taking my hands into hers.

"I am still healing as I get over the hurt but I really do love you."

"I love you too dear. I know I can never replace your mother but I would like to be whatever you need me to be."

"I need a friend at the moment. Some one who is not going to judge me and that can give me some honest advice."

"Look no further," she smiled at me with warmth. It gave me the courage to go ahead.

"Edward thinks that we are going to get back together like nothing happened. Of course he has apologized and promised to spend forever making it up to me. The thing is that when he left I broke and as I have pieced myself back together I found that I am not the same little girl hopeless in love with him. There are still feelings there. He is my first love and I will always hold him in my heart but as for being in love with him that no longer remains," I told her thinking that each time I said those words it became easier. I hope that was true for Edward as well, "I am afraid that all of you will side with Edward and try to push me to get back with him. I don't want to be with him and I hope that you will be able except that."

She was quiet again as to let my words sink in. I was not sure what she would say when she spoke again.

"How much do you know about my human life?" she suddenly asked me.

"Nothing really," I told her wondering what this had to do with anything.

"When I was a young woman not much older than you I wanted to move away from my family and start over. I wanted to be a teacher. My family had other thoughts. They pressured me to marry and stay there. I wanted to make them happy. So even though I did not love this man I agreed to marry him just to make my family happy. It was the biggest mistake of my life," she told me and I could see the sorrow in her eyes, "His name was Charles Evenson and he was a mean, cruel man. He was abusive, violently abusive. Things were different back then. Husbands were allowed to do what they wanted to their wives. So I said nothing and tried harder to be a good wife. Nothing I did worked. Lucky for me he went off to war. For a brief time I got a reprieve. It did not last long though and when he returned he was more brutal as if making up for lost time. When I could take no more I ran. I found a job as a teacher. I was not gone for long before I realized that I was going to have his child. It was a scary, joyous time for me. I was filled with this love for my child but I was forever looking over my shoulder waiting for him to find me and take me back," she stopped quiet for a few moments and then when she started again I could hear the tears in her words, "The day my son was born was the happiest day of my life but the happiness did not last long. He only lived a few days. Once he was gone I found no reason to live. I threw myself off a cliff. When they found me they thought that I was dead so they took me to the morgue. That was where Carlisle found me. I still had a faint heartbeat. Carlisle recognized me. See he had treated me several years before when I was younger. I broke my leg climbing a tree. A was a little bit of a tomboy you see. So finding me there at deaths door he decided to change me. He gave me my life back and we ended up falling in love."

"I am so sorry Esme. I had no idea," I told her having no idea the hell her life had been.

"It is okay. I have come to terms with the past. In the end everything happens for a reason. I told you this for a few reasons. One is never give up what you want. No matter who wants you to. It is your life and you are the only one you have to make happy. I also wanted to let you know that I understand you because in many ways I was you. I was always the one who did what everyone wanted me to. I was the care giver at my own expense. I was never the girly girl but was happy to be running free with no shoes my hair blowing wildly around me. And I also have felt loss. Loss so great that I wanted to end it all. But for both of us we were given a second chance."

"We also have one more thing in common. Carlisle saved you and gave you another chance and then you fell in love. Jasper saved me and gave me another chance and then we fell in love."

"Oh dear."

"I know this is not going to be easy. We know that. We know it is going to take time for Alice and Edward to come to grip with this. If ever. Once things are settled here we are going to head somewhere. Canada we talked about. I hope that one day we can all be in one room together but if that can't happen well I am going to take your advice and be happy."

"Oh dear."

Well clearly Esme was not handling this well. I could only imagine how well Edward was going to handle this. Even though I wanted to avoid him forever I knew to start over I had to let go. Time for the talk with Edward.


	30. Chapter 30

I own nothing.

A/N – I just want to say a special thank-you to my new Beta mrsalreyami for taking on my story. You rock!

One's first love is always perfect until meets one's second love – Elizabeth Aston

Chapter Thirty – Saying Goodbye

**Bella's POV**

I left the house and just started walking. I had no idea where I was going. I wanted to clear my head and gather my thoughts before I had one final conversation with Edward. Not that I thought I would never speak to him again, but as far as speaking about _US,_ well, this was it for me. My good-bye. He had his, and this would be mine… Finally. It was a long time coming.

All I could think as I walked slower than human speed was that Edward was not going to take this well. He would not easily accept that I did not love him anymore. He would not see that we were never really meant to be together. He would not see that we were better apart. I would just have to make him see.

Without realizing it I found myself heading to an old familiar place. Somehow, I knew I would find him there. It always seemed we had an internal compass when it came to each other.

He stood there smiling his crooked smile and I could not help but let go and smile back as for a brief moment I lost myself in the moment of being there together once again.

It was where we had fallen in love. This is the place my journey began…our meadow.

I figured that the two of us had come here for opposite reasons. I was sure he was hoping to remind me of what we once had. I did not need to be reminded. There was no way that I would ever forget. It was part of me, part of who I was now. No, I would never forget, but I was ready to move on.

I could not help but think of all the moments we spent here together. Too many memories began to filter through my mind. Everything had been so perfect, so right. It was like we were floating in some magical dream. I guess, in a way, we were. Nothing that perfect is ever meant to last.

It felt like I had drifted into another world. Some parallel universe where everything was the opposite of the real world. That could explain how I was about to tell Edward that I didn't love him anymore.

"I was hoping that you would find me here. We did not get to finish our conversation from earlier. We have much to talk about," he told me, trying to take control right from the get go. It was always about control with Edward.

"Yes we do," I replied, coming to stand in front of him. He was leaning on a tree, looking more beautiful than I could ever remember. I told myself it was just because I was able to see him completely. No stupid human eyes to fog up the perfection that was him.

"It seems just like yesterday that we were first here. You will never know how in love with you I was. You were the most beautiful creature that I had ever encountered in all my years. I would have given anything to make you mine even though I never deserved you. You were everything right in the world when I was everything wrong," he explained without looking at me. That made it easier for me to continue.

"Edward, that was never how it was. That is just your twisted version of it. I was far from perfect, and you were anything but wrong. What _was_ far from perfect and horribly wrong was not us, but our relationship. To me, you were the perfect one, incapable of doing any wrong. All I wanted was to be with you forever. I would have given anything for that. But for you, that was not enough," I told him, all the hurt feelings coming back to me as if no time had passed.

"Bella…"

"I hate when you Bella me, Edward."

Though he controlled it in front of me, I would bet that on the inside he was rolling his eyes and huffing.

"You just don't understand anything," he told me, like I was a child or a complete idiot. He was the idiot though. This was not going to help his plea for us to get back together. "Being with you was the only thing that ever made me feel alive. Lying with you in my arms, your heart beating against my chest, it was like I had a beating heart once again. Every breath you took, you took for me too. I used to laylie there with my eyes closed, pretending that I was asleep right there next to you. And do you know what I would dream about? I would dream that I could give you everything you ever dreamed of without taking anything away from you," he sighed, his voice so soft and low. Even though I could hear him perfectly, I felt myself moving closer to him.

"I never knew that you felt that way. You should have expressed these feelings to me, then maybe I would have understood where you were coming from," I explained to him, wishing more than anything that he would have been this open and honest with me when we were together. I felt like it would have made all the difference.

"I did not want to burden you with my trivial thoughts," he offered, his voice controlled once again, showing me once again that nothing had changed.

"That is the very core of the problem. You never treated me like I was your equal, like I could handle anything. To you I was a nothing more than a porcelain doll, forever breakable. So you put me up on a shelf and stood guard over me. I became something to be looked at and admired, but never touched. Edward, I am not a possession. I am not a decorative object to put under a glass box. I am real. I am flawed. I am not perfect. I have cracks," I screamed at him, though I could have whispered and he would have heard me perfectly. I guess the volume was to make sure he knew I was serious.

"If that is how you think I treated you, I am sorry. But I am not sorry for wanting to protect you. I am not sorry for thinking that you are precious and perfect. Isn't that what being in love is? Finding someone that you find perfect?" he asked, finally looking at me. His eyes were pools of golden warm honey. It would be too easy to get lost in them, and so this time it was me who didn't look at him as I spoke.

"You're right - being in love is looking at someone and seeing perfection. I saw that in you as well. But I have learned something. _'Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. That is just being "in love", which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.'_ And no I did not come up with that on my own. Louis de Bernieres said that. I wouldn't want you thinking that I was taking credit for something that was not mine," I told him, with all the sarcasm I could muster. "That is how it was with us, Edward. We were both caught up in the idea of love, of being in love. We were trapped in our own personal Romeo and Juliet. Star crossed lovers from different worlds struggling to be together. That did not end well for them, and it is not going to end well for us either."

"Bella…"

"How come every time you say my name it sounds like a dirty word?" I accused.

He did not answer me. He just stared at me with a deep frown, pinching the bridge of his nose. It was a face that I had seen often over the course of our relationship. It meant that he was frustrated with me. I had said or done something that he disapproved of.

"I don't want for us to argue. I know that you are still hurt by what I did, so that is why you are acting this hostile towards me. I'm sure in time…"

"You said that to me once before if I remember correctly," I explained to him as my mind went back to another day in the woods.

_I knew that something was going on with him. Though he hadn't been the same since my birthday I knew that it was something different, deeper. He was cold; distant. It was like he really wasn't there with me. I tried to tell myself that I was just overreacting but somewhere deep inside I didn't believe it. _

_When he suggested that we take a walk, I agreed, hoping that he was finally going to open up and explain to me what was eating at him. I should have known better. Edward was never open to share his true feelings with me. Always and forever editing to save me, to protect me. _

_We walked silently into the woods, side by side, but not touching. It was heartbreaking to be that close to him but feel so far away. All I wanted was for him to take me into his arms and whisper that everything was going to be okay. Instead, he stopped suddenly. We were only feet into the woods. I could almost see my house from where I stood. _

_I only remember half of what was said. He said they were leaving. That I was not coming with them. Everyone was gone. I didn't belong in his world. He was no good for me. I remember arguing with him. How could he say those things? He was perfect, and wherever he was, that was the only place I belonged. I would have argued with him forever, but then he said I was no good for him. That he didn't love me. Of course, in way he would always love me but…he didn't want me anymore. I stood speechless. There was no arguing with that. You can't make someone love you when they didn't. I couldn't make him take me with him when he didn't want me. So I just stood there and listened as he told me to promise I would be safe. That I would go on with my life. I remember him saying time would make me forget. I never forgot. _

"I was lying. It was all a lie," he whispered, ending my stroll down memory lane.

"Every lie has a grain of truth in it. The truth is that we are not good together. You're not good for me, and I'm not good for you. We don't bring out the best in each other. There is this constant push/pull relationship. We never were going in the same direction at the same time," I told him, knowing it was so true. I just never saw it until now how different we were.

"All we need is a change of course, for us to find a new path."

"Our course has already been changed. You altered the course of our lives that day you stood before me and said good-bye. Whether you were lying or not, it set in motion every event that has transpired since. There is no changing it. There is no do over because things didn't turn out the way you wanted."

"I'm not asking for that. I am just asking for a new start. We started off down one path. It was bumpy, full of obstacles. It was never an easy road and instead of continuing down the same path, we went down two different ones. But in the end they lead us right back to each other," he told me, like that could be the only explanation as to why I was back there.

"That all may be true, but it doesn't matter anymore. I'll never forget what happened between us. I will never not love you, but I'll never be in love with you again. That story has been written start to finish. It is time for us both to start the next chapters in out lives."

"You _are_ my life. How do you suggest I move on?" he demanded, his control seeming to slip as things were not going the way he wanted.

"I, of all people, can not tell you that," I told him, thinking of how I fell apart when he told me it was over. "I lost myself in you. Any sense I had of who I was disappeared as I tried to be everything that you needed and wanted. The worst part of it was that, the more I tried to be your picture perfect girlfriend, the more I lost me, until I could barely remember who I was or what I wanted. So when you left, I had nothing to go back to. I was empty, alone," I explained, thinking that if I had been more sure of whom I was, I would have been more prepared. But I had given him everything. I jumped in head first with no doubts, no reservations, and no second thoughts. I loved him, and that was all that mattered. I was willing to give everything, sacrifice all, just to be with him. I did not know how much until he was gone and there was nothing left.

"I never asked you to change. I love you just the way you are."

"You might believe that, but deep down we both know. You might have never come right out and said it, but sometimes you don't need to. Little comments about my truck or my clothes, taking me places or buying me things I didn't want but you thought I should. You were consistently making decisions for me, some without me even knowing about because you didn't think I was capable of making them on my own."

"I know that you can make your own decisions. It was just some times I knew that you would make the wrong one….I didn't mean it that way. I meant that you would choose the option that was best for everyone else and not the best one for you."

"Who are you to say what is best for me? I lived seventeen years without you there to protect me, whether from myself or another source. Sure I made mistakes, but I learned. I received scars, but I healed. I fell down, but I got back up. Don't you understand this is not about you? This is about me. This is about me growing up, changing, and realizing some very important things about myself. The most important is that no matter what, I have to be true to myself."

"I would never ask anything else from you."

"That is a start," I told him wondering if maybe, just maybe, he was going to be okay with all this once it sunk in. I believed that he only ever wanted the best for me, and once he saw that Jasper was the best for me, he would be happy for me.

Yeah who was I kidding? There was no way on earth he was ever going to accept me in a relationship with Jasper. He would never accept me in a relationship with anyone. I almost felt like he had this 'if I can't have you then no one can' type of thing. Edward always did have this possessiveness towards me.

"I know that I have hurt you. I said and did things that were wrong. I made mistakes, but it was all done out of love. All I want is for you to be happy."

"I know Edward," I let him know, finally starting to let go of what he did to me. I had to. It was the only way that I was going to move on. It was the only way that he was not going to have any more control over me.

"You have no idea what that means to me. I could not have gone through my existence knowing that you hated me."

"I could never hate you. There was times when I wanted to kill you, make you suffer the way that you made me suffer, but even in that, I never hated you. You meant too much to me to ever have that happen." I wanted him to understand. "Just because I don't want to be with you does not mean that I don't care about you."

Instantly I saw the change come over Edward. The calmness left him and the storm started to complete with thunder.

"What do you mean you don't want to be with me?"

"I mean that I am not here to get back together with you. This is me saying good-bye," I said, finally coming right out and telling him. He needed to hear the words. He also needed to hear the rest of the truth.

"You don't mean that," he sputtered.

"For your sake, I wish I wasn't but I am, and Edward, there is more…"

His eyes darkened before I could even get out the words. I had never seen them so dark and menacing. He looked like he wanted to rip someone apart, and since I was the only one around, I figured that it was me who was going to become the casualty.

Maybe I shouldn't tell him the rest right now. I should give him time to process that we were not going to get back together. Once that happened, I could let him in on the fact that Jasper and I were together.

"What Bella? What else is it that you want to tell me? What else is there left for you to destroy me with? He demanded, his voice dripping with hatred.

I had never seen him like this with me before, once with James, once with Jasper, but never anything close to this towards me. I felt like he could destroy me without much regret.

"We can talk some time later when you have calmed down," I said, moving to get away from him. He didn't like that idea, and instantly stood in the front of me, stopping my departure.

"Bella, my dear, this _is_ calm compared to what I am feeling right now," he whispered his voice flowing over me as he moved even closer towards me, as if he were trying to intimidate me. Instead, I held my ground, not willing to let him bully me.

"I am not scared of you, Edward," I explained to him as he loomed over me menacingly. The blackness remained in his eyes, but a smile spread across his face. I felt no comfort in that smile.

"The last thing emotion that I want you to be experiencing is fear," he fucking purred as he stepped even closer, his face mere inches from mine.

I began chanting in my head; '_Don't back down. Don't let him know that he is getting to you. He is just playing mind games with you. If you show one shred if weakness, he is going to pounce.'_

"You have no idea the hours I spent agonizing over the fact that I wanted you in every way, but I was not willing to destroy you for my own selfish pleasure. You never understood that. But that is neither here nor there, because that matter is now out of my hands. What is not out of my hands is what is going to happen from this moment on," his voice humming over me, "And I am not going to waste another moment."

Before I understood what he was implying, he was crushing into me, his lips assaulting mine. There was nothing soft or controlled as he attacked my mouth. The onslaught of emotions that filled me was overwhelming.

My brain screamed to stop this assault, yet there was a part of me that remembered the feel of him, strong, crushed against me, the sweet smell of him hypnotizing, and I wanted to be wrapped in the memory.

But this was nothing like any memory I could recall. Never had he touched me like this. Never had he kissed me like this. Never had I felt him pressed against me, pushing me for more. Never had I felt warmth in the coldness.

But the most intense change was that I wanted him to stop.

Once, all I could have asked for was to have him touching me, kissing me with complete abandonment. But that was before I kissed Jasper.

All I could say is that it was like kissing a boy compared to kissing a man. There was no comparison between the two. Jasper won hands down. But that was not what really mattered. What mattered was that I felt nothing but a sense of nostalgia - that bitter feeling of what might have been - when Edward kissed me.

Any uncertainly that I had about not being really over him was erased.

"Get off of me," I hissed, pushing him. Edward flew, landing on his ass several feet from me. Shock pressed across his face. I think we both forgot that I was not human anymore.

"It is over between us. Nothing is going to change that. Nothing you can say or do is going to change that. I don't want you. I don't love you anymore," I screamed at him, taking several breaths in and out before I softly proclaimed, "I am in love with Jasper."

The growl escaping his mouth roared to life as a warning that he was at his breaking point. My instincts told me to run, that I had pushed him to his limit, but I was never that wise when it came to self preservation.

"I didn't want to tell you this way. I wanted to give you time to adjust, not only to me being a vampire, but to the fact that we were not going to be getting back together. You just had to push me. I don't want to hurt you, but I will not hurt Jasper to appease you."

He did not speak. He seemed to be shaking. It felt like he might spontaneously combust at any second. I honestly did not know what to expect from him. I was worried. For the first time since I met Edward, I was afraid of what he might do.


	31. Chapter 31

I own nothing.

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons  
Finally content with a past I regret  
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness  
For once I'm at peace with myself  
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long  
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces  
Each one is different but they're always the same  
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it  
They'll never allow me to change  
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong  
I'm movin' on – Rascal Flatts I'm Movin' On

Chapter Thirty-One – Movin' On

**Jasper's POV**

Fuck me now! That was all I could think as I headed out of Carlisle's office and towards an old, familiar place, in hopes of finding the last person on earth I wanted to see right now.

I would rather sit starving through a blood drive than have to have another conversation with Alice, especially this particular one.

Yet I knew the sooner that we had it, the sooner she could wrap her head around what was going to be happening.

I could only imagine her reaction, since there was no way of me knowing. Once I thought I knew her better than myself, but now everything I thought I knew was nothing but a lie. She was very much a stranger to me, yet the most familiar part of my existence.

I made my way to her bedroom -once ours - and sat, waiting for her, knowing that she would show up sooner rather then later. After all, she changed her clothes fifty times a day, and I was sure she had at least a dozen more to go.

While I was waiting, I took the time to make a call to my lawyer, asking him to start the paperwork concerning the divorce. No matter how many times I said the word, or how much I wanted it to be over with, it was still hard to come to terms with the end of my marriage.

God, I could remember my wedding to Alice like it was only yesterday.

We had been at war over it. She wanted it to be the event of the century, and I demanded that it be something smaller and more personal. She had won of course. She always did. She spent months planning every single detail until it started to get out of control. I barely saw her over those months, which was probably for the best, because whenever we did see each other, all we did was fight over the money she was spending, or the some other crap about the wedding.

"_I don't know what your problem is. It isn't like you have to do anything. I am taking care of all the details," she explained to me at one point during the planning. "We have more than enough money to have a wedding a million times bigger than this. I want the wedding to be a symbol of our love so it has to be immense and overwhelming. Besides, we are only going to get to do this once, so might as well do it big. You and me Jazzy, forever." _

When the day finally came it was a nothing but a blur. I put on the clothes that she picked out and I stood where I was told to stand and I repeated the words that I was told to repeat. I had planned to write my own vows but I was told she already knew what I was going to say and she had taken care of it. I didn't argue with her.

The only bright stop for me was that Peter and Charlotte were there. Best of all, Peter had agreed to married us. That was the only detail that I insisted on and actually won.

We went for our honeymoon in Italy. Three weeks of nothing but shopping. I thought it was hell, but Alice was in her glory.

"What are you doing here, in my room?" Alice's sing-song voice demanded as she floated into the room, ending the trip down memory lane.

I looked up to see her standing there in front of me, her hands planted on her hips. She looked pissed.

"Man, it has to be killing you, not to be able to see everything!" I laughed, almost fucking giddy with the freedom that I felt from not having her know what was yet to come.

"You don't necessarily have to see the future to know how things are going to turn out," she smiled at me, that sick, knowing smile that told me that she was up to nothing good.

Her emotions were controlled. I was feeling what she wanted me to feel which wasn't much. Resolve filled her, and I had no idea what it meant. With her it could be anything.

"Look Alice I am going to come out and be honest with you. After everything we have been through, I feel that I owe you that much, even if you can not say the same thing," I explained to her, wondering why I felt so on edge. This was what I wanted, so where were the nerves coming from?

"I do appreciate that, Jasper. You were always such a true gentleman, full of honor and integrity," she told me, her voice filled with artificial sweetness.

I wanted to make gagging sounds and roll my eyes at her performance, but I figured it was best not to piss her off. I knew she was putting on an act, but she didn't need to know that I knew. Two could play this little game of make believe.

"I am glad that you can still see that about me. I have not always made it easy on you. I have made more than my fair share of mistakes. I have been and done wrong."

"You're a bad boy Jasper, and what girl doesn't like a bad boy?" she purred, the lust now rolling off her in waves. She was basically eye-fucking me. I felt dirty and used.

"I don't know about that, Alice."

"Oh trust me… I know what I am talking about," she announced, with nothing but wickedness in her eyes.

Now this was just getting fucking uncomfortable. And the weirdest thing of it all was that this was the women that I had spent decades married to, with all the benefits of marriage. Now she just felt like an over-sexed housewife looking to jump the pool boy. The problem was, she was looking at me like I was the pool boy, and I felt more like the husband that would rather work late than come home to his wife.

"Okay well, the point that I was getting at was that I wanted you to know that I forgive you for whatever shit it was that you have done. I will never hold your mistakes against you after what you did for me. I'm a better person because of you. I owe my sanity and any shred of humanity I've retained to you. I'll never forget that."

"Why do I hear a big but here?"

"Remember what you said to me before you left me here all alone?" I asked her, not able to stop myself from reminding her of what she had done to me. She didn't answer, but gave me a huff. I figured that was my cue to continue. "You told me that you knew that our relationship had changed, and that we were moving in different directions. You said you knew that we were not meant to be together in the long run. It will make you happy to know that you were right."

I waited for her to smile or something. Usually hearing she was right made her dance around like a freaking ballerina on crack. But not this time. She just stood there, solemn faced.

I knew she knew where this was heading, but clearly she did not plan on making it easy for me.

"I couldn't see how unhappy I was until I finally felt a sliver of real happiness again."

"God, Jasper, I am so sorry that I made you so miserable for so long. How did you ever survive?"

"It wasn't anything that you did or didn't do. I just shut off, shut down, and let life happen around me. In a way, I guess I was so consumed with feeling everyone else's feelings that I shut off my own because it was too much to handle," I explained. "Another part of it was my fear of being alone. I needed you, I need all of you. I still do, just…"

"Just not like you once did."

"Alice, I wish there was an easier way to do this," I started, only to stop. The words seemed to be caught in my throat or sticking to the stop of my mouth. Either way, they refused to come out.

"Come on, I'm a big girl, Jasper. I can handle whatever you are trying to say to me," she assured me. She was right - if anyone could she could. She had this rare ability to bounce back from anything.

"Okay," I said, taking deep breaths to calm myself. It wasn't happening, so I took one more and let it all out, "What I was trying to say is that I am filing for divorce. I was told it should be pretty cut and dry, as long as neither of us fight it."

Panic, disbelief and anger filled her. Whatever she thought that I was going to say, I was sure it wasn't this.

She just stood there, silent. She didn't move. She didn't breathe. She didn't blink. A blank, glazed-over look settled in her eyes, and it was as if someone flipped the vacant sign. No one was home at that moment.

I should have known it was just the calm before the storm. As suddenly as that sign flipped one way, it flipped back. She erupted like a volcano, spurring fire-filled hate.

"You have one set of balls to stand there and sing my praises, only to tell me minutes later that you want a divorce! I should remove those balls for you. It would serve you right," she hissed, and I took a step back. I might be a vampire, but I was still a man. And when a woman talks about removing your balls, you move away.

"Alice, if you just calm down, you will agree this is something that you want as well. I know you are not happy in our marriage either. This is a good thing. You are just mad that I am the one doing it. If the shoe was on the other foot, and you were the one who filed, you would already be planning a post-divorce party."

"And don't forget shopping for a new single-girl wardrobe," she said, and I could see wheels spinning in her mind. There was a glow of happiness starting to come from her, but then it shut off, "That is all beside the point. I'll agree with you that we haven't been the happiest married couple, but every couple has those moments. I think if we are only having them now after all this time that we are doing good. Don't you think maybe we should talk about getting some marriage counseling or something like that before we call it quits?" she questioned. It was strange. I was not use to explaining myself to her. Normally she knew my plans the second after I did. "I don't understand why you are suddenly so eager to get rid of me. Care to explain to me," she demanded, not asked.

God, why did this little bit of a girl make me cower? Probably because I just did not know what she was going to do when I told her what was going on. I never worried about it before, but that was because I never knew what she was capable of. She could go off her rocker crazy when I let her in on my future. I wasn't worried so much about myself; it was Bella that I was concerned for. I was sure that she would be the target of retaliation and revenge.

"First, I want to tell you that I did not come to this decision lightly, or without consideration of the life we shared," I began, before deciding that I had to fill her in on of few things. "When you left me, my only goal was to get back to you. Divorce was the last thing on my mind. Then slowly, as the days drifted away and I had nothing but time to explore my life, I began to question what I wanted. Even in my new-found self exploration, I was pushing aside everything I thought of.. I put on blinders and moved forward, hoping that, if we were together again, everything would settle back into place. It didn't," I tried to explain. Even though I dealt with feelings every second of my life, I was not in the business of dissecting them, trying to figure out what each and every one meant. I found, at times, you feelings were not based in reason. Sometimes the heart just wanted what the heart wanted. And my heart no longer wanted her.

"I'm sure having someone waiting in the wings makes that so much easier, doesn't it? I mean, why would you even bother trying to save our marriage, when instead you can go play house with you new favorite pet."

"Bella is not my pet…"

"Come on Jasper, don't bother denying it. I know there is something going on with you and Bella."

"I don't plan on denying it. There is something going on with us."

"God, she is such a home wreaking little slut! It wasn't enough for her to go after Edward and then destroy him, now she has to go after my husband. I know she already offered you her blood, what else did she offer you Jasper?"

"I'm not going to talk to you about my relationship with Bella."

"Oh, that is so code for you haven't fucked her yet. Kind of makes you wonder what is going on there, doesn't it, Jasper? Because she begged Edward almost daily to pop that cherry."

"You are so crude," I told her, completely disgusted.

"No, honest." Her smugness was written all over her face. All I wanted was to slap it right off her.

"That is a lie in itself."

"It is clear that you just want to be confrontational. Nothing I say is going to be good enough for you, so I guess we just need to agree to disagree. I can tell you this though, that divorce that you think you are getting isn't happening. I am going to fight it. You are mine, always have been, always will be," she informed me. Now I understood the resolve I had felt earlier. She knew why I was there, and before I ever said a word, she had decided that she was not letting me go.

"You know what, Alice? I don't really care what you do or don't do from this point on. I was honest with you about my intentions and feelings. That is all you are going to get from me. I'm filing for divorce whether you like it or not. You can fight it from now until the end of fucking time, and it is going to change nothing. From this moment on, as far as I'm concerned, we are no longer together."

"You might want to reconsider that."

"Good-bye, Alice," I simply said to her, having said all there was to say. When it was done it was done. I was leaving my past here at her feet. When I walked out that door, I was walking into my future, my new beginning.

"This is not over Jasper."

"It is for me, and that is all that matters."

"I'm going to make your life a living hell."

"So divorce is going to be no different than marriage?"

"You will regret this. I promise you that," she hissed from behind me. I could feel the venom in her words.

"Then that would be the first promise you kept."

"God, I hate you."

"I really wanted this to end well for us. I thought that we could remain friends. But clearly that is not what you want. So if you want to hate me, go right ahead. I'm okay with that," I let her know as I descended the stairs, leaving her with one last good-bye, "Have a nice fucking life."

There was a new lightness in my steps. I felt like fucking skipping. I had never felt such freedom. I felt like anything was possible.

"Dude, what has you floating on air? Let me guess, getting freaky with the wifey. There is nothing better than that crazy make up sex," Emmett laughed, jumping up and down like a fucking pogo stick.

"No, Emmett, I was not getting freaky with my wife," I told him, deciding to let the cat out of the bag, "You are going to find this out soon anyways, so I might as well be the one to tell you. Alice and I are getting a divorce."

His eyes bugged out and he took on the look of a fish out of water. The shock was evident not only in his emotions but his expression.

"It is also not going to be a secret long that Bella and I are involved. And before you think it, no she is not the reason. Neither Alice nor Edward is happy about it, so you can expect some drama from the two of them."

"Holy shit," he yelled, the jumping starting all over again. Then, suddenly, his bouncing stopped, and a glare came across his face. I watched as his chest puffed up and his eyes darkened. Anger and protectiveness encircled his frame.

"Emmett, come on dude, trust me when I say Alice will be fine."

"I don't give a flying fuck about her. That psycho vampire deserves whatever she gets. This is about my other sister, my youngest sister."

"Bella…"

"I'm sure that I don't like the idea of you with her. She's way too good for you."

"I can't argue with you on that," I told him, raking my hands through my hair. God, I felt tired. Today had been way too long by a mile, and all I wanted was to find Bella. I was sure that, once I was able to see her smiling face, some of this tension and stress would filter away. "Look, Bella is a vampire now, so there is no temptation…"

"Maybe not for her blood," he told me, and then explained what he was referring to in only a way Emmett could, "You know you are dying to test out that unbreakable feature with her."

I just smirked. I couldn't argue with that either.

"I'm a little hurt by your low opinion of me. You never had issue with Edward when he was with her."

"Duh dude, that was because we both know there wasn't much to worry about when it came to Edward. You, on the other hand, are sure to corrupt her in ways I don't even want to think of," he said with a full body shiver.

"Listen, anything that happens between Bella and me is going to be because it is what we both want to happen. You don't have to worry about her. My only goal in life right now is to make her happy," I said, making it clear to him.

"It better be, because I won't let anyone hurt her again, EVER! Do you get what I am saying?" he demanded, all smiles gone from his face. I had never seen him like this about anyone other than Rose. Instead of pissing me off, it made me smile, knowing that Bella had someone like Emmett looking out for her.

"Trust me, I get you," I chuckled. "Now if you don't mind, it has been one fucked up day, and all I want is to go find Bella and ask her out on a date."

Emmett just stood there for a moment, and I could almost see the little wheels in his head kicking into over drive. I could picture the smoke coming from his ears as he thought too hard.

"Rose, get you sweet ass down here," he yelled at a volume that almost shook the house.

"What do you want?" she demanded.

"Jasper is going to ask Bella out on a date, and since I don't totally trust him yet, I am making it a double date," Emmett informed her. Before I could speak, she turned towards me. I did not like her expression.

"Is that why Alice is destroying her bedroom?"

"I told her that I filed for divorce and that there was something going on between Bella and me."

"You are all kinds of stupid. Do you really think it was smart to, in the same conversation, tell her you want a divorce _and_ that you have been hooking up with another girl?" she questioned.

"Bella and I are not _hooking up_. And honestly, I don't care what Alice likes and doesn't like anymore. I tried to keep this civil, but that is not what she wants, so to hell with her. The way I look at it, I wasted enough time having her control my life and future. From this second on, it is all about what I want. And I want Bella."

"Stop saying that, dude."

"Seriously, I don't get the appeal of that girl," Rose shook her head.

"You don't have to," was my reply. "And Emmett, I don't want my first date with Bella to be a double date."

"It doesn't matter what you want. I am not letting my little sister alone on a date with you. Rose, plan something for tomorrow night. I want something nice, something fun, and something in Seattle. I'm telling you this, you both better be on your best behavior. Go on, baby, get busy with that, and Jasper, you go find Bella and let her know of the plans," Emmett instructed.

I waited for Rose to slap the shit out of him, but to my surprise, she turned around and headed back upstairs.

"Don't just stand there with your mouth hanging open, go find Bella."

"I don't mean to interrupt," Esme said softly, walking into the house from the back yard garden.

"You're good, mom," Emmett told her with a smile, "Jasper was just going to find Bella. Do you know about him and her?" he questioned.

"Yes, I spoke to Bella."

"Do you know where she went after you finished talking to her?" I questioned, hoping she was around her somewhere. I didn't like the idea of her wandering off on her own.

"She did not say, but my feeling is that she went looking for Edward."

Suddenly a sense of dread overcame me. All I knew was that I needed to get to Bella. NOW!

A/N: Special thanks once again to my beta mrsalreyami. I also want to thank all my wonderful readers, old and new. Without you, this would mean nothing.


	32. Chapter 32

I own nothing.

A/N Thank you to everyone who is still with me on this journey. I could not ask for better people to take it with. You make the trip so much sweeter than the destination. Also to my beta mrsalrayami for making it a much smoother trip that we are taking.

Wickedness sucks in the greater part of its own venom, and poisons itself therewith – Michel De Montaigne

Chapter Thirty-Two – Leaving it all behind

**Edward's POV**

I was aware from day one of this existence that a monster lived inside of me. It had tried to take me over more than once and it had succeeded on several occasions in the beginning. Since then I have fought to quiet the beast, to lock him away in a cage never to be opened. I thought that I had.

I was mistaken. Every moment since I met her my monster had been rattling its cage to get out. I had held him at bay until now but she had just turned the key and unlocked him… _"I am in love with Jasper."_

The monster exploded to life bursting through the gates roaring to life.

**Bella's POV**

"I don't care who you are in love with because you are mine and mine alone. Do you hear me? You belong to me," he hissed at me, stalking closer and closer.

My brain told me to run, now. That this was not the man I had once trusted above all others with my life. No this was a cold, heartless, monster, whose only purpose was to hunt and consume. He didn't love, he only possessed.

"Edward, you don't want to do this. You are better than this," I pleaded with him as I tried to get my stupid feet to move. Instead they seemed to have taken root in the soil beneath me. Nothing my brain screamed could get them to move.

"That is where you are wrong, my Bella. I very much want to do this. There is nothing on this earth that I want more then to take what is mine," he voice low and hushed as he stalked even closer towards me.

If I had any doubt about his intentions his eyes told me that he had crossed over to the dark side. They were nothing but bottomless pits of nothingness. Edward did not exist. This person standing before me was a soulless shell of the man I use to love.

"I would have taken your blood, but you already gave that away to another. That makes me very unhappy, my Bella. It was not yours to give, it was mine to take, only mine," he whispered in my ear as I stood motionless.

"But there is one other thing he hasn't taken yet, am I correct?" he velvet voice slid over me as he ran his finger down my neck to my chin forcing it up to look at him.

"Please, Edward. Stop this before something happens that you will forever regret," I reasoned, though I knew he was past that point of logic being effective.

"The only regret to plague me is that I did not listen to the voice in my head that first day in Biology and drain you dry. Oh, the regret that fills me that I did not sink my teeth into your pale neck and begin to suck. I can almost feel it flowing over my tongue and down my throat."

"Edward…."

"I use to live to hear my name on your lips. I would watch you all night long just hoping to hear it spoken in your dreams. It was like you were caressing me with the sound. Now it hangs in the air like a filthy curse."

"Please…"

"Oh, don't fret your little head, my Bella. I will forgive you for the transgressions you have already made. How could I not? You and I are mates, soul mates. Do you know the meaning of soul mates, my Bella?" he asked.

All I could think was he really couldn't be thinking about giving me a history lesson in the middle of all this, but sure enough…

"The concepts of soul mates arose from Greek mythology. According to the story; our ancestors once had two heads and four arms. They did something to offend a god, so the god punished them by splitting them down the middle, resulting in the creation of humans. As a punishment, we are condemned to spend our lives searching for the other half. You are my other half. You are the reason that I had to become what I am so that we could finally find each other. I waited over a hundred years for you. Do you really think after all that, I would just let you go to be with anyone but me? Especially him! Do you really think that you matter to him? Do you think that he loves you? Do you think he would wait for you? The answer to all those questions is no.

"The only thing that matters to Jasper is Jasper. He has murdered hundreds, probably thousands, of humans and vampires. He takes what he wants with no regard for others. Life has no meaning for him. The monster that I fight to control, he lets run wild. As for love, he does not know the meaning of the word. Someone who loves does not cheat on his wife, breaking her heart. Someone who loves does not take from his brother what matters most to him," he explained, apparently assuming that I cared what he had to say about Jasper.

But I didn't. I knew what Edward thought about him, as well as the other members of his family. It seemed to me that no one saw anything in Jasper but his faults and mistakes. It hurt me, because I loved him. In fact, in that moment, I loved him more than I feared Edward.

"I don't care what you have to say," I whispered back through gritted teeth, trying to fight my anger. He could say or do anything he wanted to me, but he had no right to speak about Jasper like that.

"You should, my Bella."

"Enough," I said louder, the fog starting to lift. My brain finally starting to remember that I was a fucking kick ass vampire. If I could not beat him, at least I could hold mine own.

"I'll say when it is enough," he hissed, his words crawling over me.

"No, Edward. For once, I'll say when it's enough," I howled.

He stepped back a mere inch from my vocal assault. The small sign of retreat was enough for me to find some more courage.

"From day one, you have taken complete control of our relationship, and I let you. But no more."

"You always did have an unrealistic sense of yourself. You are mistaken if you think that you will ever be in control of me. As mistaken as you are to think that Jasper could ever really want you," he seethed.

"You're wrong…" I whispered, not knowing if it was for his sake or my own.

"Am I? You forget the little fact that I can read ever single thought running through his mind. Would you like to know what was roaming free?"

"NO."

"Is that because you are already fully aware that he could never love someone like you? Afraid to hear the truth, my Bella?"

"Stop calling me that," I shouted, as if to keep his words from getting into my head.

"Oh but that is what you are. My Bella. Mine alone."

"Why Edward? Why would you want me when, according to you, I am so unworthy?" I questioned, trying to get things to make sense in my brain. My mind was working so quickly that I couldn't keep up. Questions and thoughts on the tip of my tongue one moment evaporated the next.

"Because no matter the worth, I like to keep what is mine. Not to mention I have always seen your possibility. With some work, you could be amazing. I have the skills and patience to groom you into a true beauty. Jasper does not."

"I can't believe the words that are coming out of your mouth," I whispered, my chest too tight with pain to speak out loud. He had just confirmed my greatest fear. I had always known that I was not good enough for him.

"Come on, Bella, don't be so naïve. You yourself told me that you always knew I was too good for you."

His words sliced through me like nothing else ever had. I was finally learning the truth, and the truth was always the hardest to hear.

"Don't feel bad. I have always wanted you. Though I have to admit, in the beginning it was your blood I wanted the most. I kept you close, never completely dismissing the possibility of making you my sweetest meal of all.

Then I guess you grew on me, in the way a stray puppy does. In the end, no matter how it started, I did fall in love with you," he explained, like that was all that mattered. As if him loving me in his sick way was enough. "You have some qualities about you that attracted me. You are smart and intuitive. You know how to keep a secret, more than that, you don't need to fill the air with useless noise. One of your best qualities is that, with you, I can have some peace. At first, I could not stand the fact that I could not hear your thoughts, but now it is your best feature. In addition, you had morals, and my family liked you. You had the foundation, and I knew, with my guidance, you could be turned into something. The right clothes, the right car, some manners, an education, and you just might have been something."

Anger, so deep and powerful, pulsed through my body until it threatened to consume me. And for once, I choose not to internalize my feelings. Instead, I took the feeling settled in the pit of my stomach and expelled it. It came out in a growl so deep that it shocked me as much as it did Edward. But it was not enough though to get him to back down. Instead, his hands gripped around my arms in ownership.

"You can't hurt me, Edward," I reminded him.

"Want to make a bet?" he asked. And then I was flying through the air. When I landed, I was flat on the ground, with Edward hovering over me.

"I know that I was forever against you becoming a vampire, but I have to admit I'm starting to really enjoy the fact that you are no longer so breakable. Of course, I miss the sweet aroma of your blood, but even if I didn't get the satisfaction of drinking it, it would have all ended way too quickly. The pleasure I will find buried inside of you will be endless…"

"Never…" I held, pushing him off of me.

"You know something, I'm finding this little game of hard to get quite the turn on. Maybe you should have tried it before," he smirked his crooked smile at me, but it was no longer the smile that melted me. Instead it hardened any feelings that I might have left for him.

"What happened to you? You are not the same person I fell for."

"How could I be? Your betrayal was too much for me. It did things to me. Deep, dark things. So if you don't like who you see before you, blame yourself," he spat.

I wanted to scream at him to stop making excuses for what he had become. To stand up and take ownership of his actions. How can he blame someone else for who he had become?

Then I remembered that it was very possible for someone else to change you so much by their actions that the person you were, that you were meant to be, no longer exists. He had altered me so completely when he left, after all, that the Bella I had once been no longer existed.

Now I felt myself being altered once again by another man. But this time instead of destroying me he was helping to rebuild me into something stronger not just physically but emotionally.

That was one of the reasons I could stand there without crumbling under Edward's cutting words.

"Then we're even," I said solemnly. "As they say 'an eye for an eye', but in our case, it is a life for a life. I might have changed yours, but you destroyed mine. That makes us even, in my option."

"We are so far from even. Not only did you demolish me, but you did the same to my family, my whole world. Nothing for me will ever be the same."

"Like I said, we are even."

"What about Alice? What has she ever done to you other then be your friend?" he questioned, seemingly for no other reason then he realized that there was no other defense for what we had done to each other.

"I'm sorry for what role I played in her unhappiness. It was never my intention, but that is between Alice and me."

"She will never forgive you, just like the rest of my family never will. We were happy before you, we were content. Now we are just broken, damaged, and ruined. I told you that you did not belong in my world, and you still do not. It had nothing to do with being a vampire, and everything to do with being a Cullen."

"That's okay, because I don't want to be a Cullen anymore. I'm a Whitlock now, and that suits me just fine. You Cullens are way too fucking uptight for my liking."

His face contorted into something ugly and violent. My brain was working well enough now to know it was time to get out of there. No amount of talking was going to resolve what had happened between us.

He believed himself right, and I saw him to be wrong. With neither of us faltering in our belief, it became a circle we could dance around forever without ever getting anywhere.

So I turned to walk away, ready to move forward.

Edward had other ideas.

He was in front of me before I could take a step, "I told you I would tell you when it was enough," he growled before lunging at me.

I stood and waited for whatever it was that was going to happen. I know what you are thinking, 'Run Bella, fight Bella', but honestly, I did not have the strength or will to fight with him anymore. I had spent so much energy on him already, I had nothing left. Whatever happened; happened. I just need it to be over.

But nothing happened. The attack that I waited for never took place.

Instead out of nowhere another one began.

All I could see was a flash of blonde hair as he whipped passed me. The earth shock under me as he crashed into Edward. Then the next second they were sailing through the air taking down tree after tree.

"Run, Bella," I heard through the growls and snarls.

How could I do that? There, in front of me, were Edward and Jasper, locked in mortal combat. My eyes locked on them and I could not have moved if I wanted to.

Even with my vampire eyes it was hard to keep track of them as they fought like two animals. Jasper being the protective mama bear trying to save his cub from the dangerous hunter.

I looked around to see my once beloved meadow had been turned into nothing more then a battlefield. I was caught up in a war zone and if I did not do something soon, my meadow was not going to be the only casualty.

"STOP!"

Nothing.

"STOP!"

Still it was as if I had not spoken.

"STOP…NOW!" I shouted with such force I felt the trees around me shake.

Finally they froze mid collision. Both of them dropped to the ground, still in a low crouch, ready to strike. They were snapping and growling at each other, foaming at the mouth with venom.

"Enough, both of you! Stop it! I don't need or want either of you fighting over me!" I yelled, my hands in fists, ready to hit them myself. "Stupid, idiot children," I huffed, disgusted by everything at that moment. "Look at the both of you. It's sickening."

They looked like they had been in a bar fight. Clothes were torn, dirty. If they were human, there would have been bloody lips and blacks eyes, but instead they were pretty intact. That told me that, no matter the emotion going through them, they were not out to kill each other. I could not say the same thing.

I wanted to kill them both.

"Bella, he was going to attack you. I had to stop him," Jasper breathed to me through gritted teeth, his eyes black.

"No, you didn't. I could have handled him myself even if he had attacked me. I was hoping though it wouldn't come to that. I was hoping he would come to his senses before that had to happen," I explained to them both.

"Bella…" Edward whispered, staring at the ground. His body had eased out of the crouch, and I knew he was starting to rein in his monster.

"No, Edward. There is nothing left to say, nothing left to fight for! There is nothing left between us. You can hate me, you can blame Jasper, but it will change nothing. It's time for you to realize that and move on. It might not be what you want to hear, but just remember, _you_ left _me_. You didn't want me."

"Did you not hear a word that I spoke to you? I've always wanted you, I've always loved you," he told me taking a step towards me. A growl from Jasper stopped him from moving an inch closer.

"I think in your sick mind you believe that. But your want is too much like obsession to me and your love nothing more then possession," I explained to him calmly, "I am no longer yours to possess.

"You told me you wanted forever with me," he accussed, the hurt, the rejection finally starting to sink in. I knew it was not the thought of losing me that had him feeling this way but the thought of losing something he considered his.

I could weep from that statement, forever. Yes I had wanted forever with him but that was before it had all gone wrong. Still the loss of all that might have been and all that should have been was overwhelming. It was the end of a dream. A dream that had turned into a nightmare.

"Forever turned out to be too long," I told him. With that, I walked away. I walked away from the past, and hopefully towards my future.

I walked until I found a quiet spot. Sitting down, I tried to force some of the tension to leave my body and remove the thoughts from my mind. It wasn't working.

I hadn't thought my conversation with Edward would go well, but I had never imaged it would be so hard. Then again I had never imagined that there was so much darkness in him. That was because I had never before seen him for what he truly was, not just an eternal boy with a crooked grin but a depraved vampire. I had been blinded by what I wanted to see. He had warned me I was only seeing what he wanted me to see but I had not wanted to believe that.

But now that I was one of them I had clarity what it meant to be one of them. I understood now that Edward was very much the boy I saw but he was also the monster he told me he was.

It was like having a split personality. The human Bella was there but so was the vampire Bella that wanted out. And I knew if I let my control slip for one moment she would get out. I finally understood about Edward's control and his fear of losing it.

That was why I could not hate him for what he had said or done.

In fact, all I wanted was to see him truly happy and content. I wasn't sure he would ever experience that, but I did know that if he ever hoped to achieve it, it had to be with someone other than me. Honestly, we never were good together. I could finally see that now that I was not in the middle of it. Especially now that I was with someone that taught me what love should feel like.

"Is it safe to come over?" a sheepish voice asked.

"If you can behave," I replied in a stern voice that covered the smile in my head. Even though I was mad at him, I needed him right now.

"I will try, but behaving is not my strong point," Jasper told me with a hesitant smile of his own.

"You displayed that earlier."

"You can't still be angry with me over Edward."

"Of course I can."

"Why?"

"For many reasons; like fighting never solved anything, for one."

"He was going to hurt you. I saw it in his eyes; I felt it in his emotions - he was full of rage. I know you don't want to believe it, but Edward has darkness in him. It was never more evident then today."

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone," I spurted.

"You have been hanging around Carlisle, haven't you?" he smirked.

"No, but maybe you should." That wiped the smirk off of his face quickly. "I don't mean to be harsh. I know Edward has issues and darkness inside of him. The thing is, we all do. There is darkness hiding in all of us. The degree may differ, but evil is apart of all of us. The battle of right and wrong as it is."

"You are defending him?"

"No. I'm not defending him, but I'm not condemning him either. I know what Edward did was wrong."

"I don't know how you can forgive him so easily."

"Forgiveness is easy. It's the forgetting that's harder."

"Unfortunately, forgetting is a problem for us," Jasper said, and I knew he was no longer talking about Edward and me. He had his own demons he was fighting. The last thing I wanted was to walk him straight into his own darkness.

"You know, today has been a really long, trying day for both of us. How about we just let it all go for now?" I asked, wanting to close the door on this day.

"Sounds good to me," he said, a smile starting to form before it disappeared suddenly. "But don't think I'm just going to let go of what he did. If I ever so much as see him blink towards you, I won't hesitate to take him out."

"We both know that if you really wanted that, you would have done it earlier. Either of you could have really hurt each other if you wanted, but both of you showed restraint."

"I might not be able to stand him right now, but killing him would have broken Esme's heart and well…" he said softly, taking all his hard edges away.

"You're so cute." I said.

"Is that right, darlin'?"

Fuck me now….he was pulling out the southern draw. Did he know what it was doing to me?

"Those are some powerful emotions you are throwing out at me. Are you trying to tell me something?" he asked, his accent still slipping out. Yeah, he knew what he was doing.

"You are a smart boy, figure it out," I told him in a cocky tone, eager to play along with him.

He took five steps over towards me, all the time his eyes locked on mine. I swear this man could make me lose it with just a look.

And if a look alone could make me tingle, I wasn't sure if I could handle the things he could do with his hands, his lips, his…

"Calm down there, girl," he chuckled, leaning in as if he was going to kiss me.

I closed my eyes as his plump lips ghosted over mine. True to my nature, that wasn't enough for me, and I pulled him closer. He seemed more than pleased with that as he moaned and deepened the kiss.

I think we could have gone on forever like that, but the buzzing in his pocket broke the moment.

Cursing he pulled away taking out his phone.

"What?"

"Where you at?"

"I'm with Bella."

"That's cool."

"Is there a reason you called, Emmett?"

"Edward just got home. He looked a little fucked up. Just wondering if you had anything to do with that?"

"Yeah."

"Good job, bro," he boomed, "He went straight up to cry to Carlisle like the little fucking girl he is."

"Good for him. Was there something else you called about? I was kind of busy."

"Please tell me you were not getting it on with my little sister?"

"Emmett…"

"No! I warned you about that. You are going to treat her like a lady, or you are going to deal with me. And I'm no pussy like Edward. So get home now where I can watch you."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really. I'll see you when you get here. We have plans to discuss, remember? Later bro."

Jasper huffed, shoved his cell phone back into his pocket, and racked his hands through his hair. All it did was make it a messy perfection. I could imagine getting my hands tangled in those silky locks, tugging hard while we were kissing.

"I think Emmett should be more worried about me then you. My virtue is not safe with you," Jasper joked, and even though the color did not show anymore, I knew I was blushing.

"What did he want anyways? He said something about plans," I asked trying to change the subject.

"Well, I was planning on asking you out on a date, and Emmett heard, and demanded that it be a double date with him and Rose."

All I could do was cringe. "As much as I want to go out on a date with you, there was no way that I want to go anywhere with Rose, especially not on a double date."

"I agree with you. I was hoping for us to spend some much needed time alone, away from here. Emmett, on the other hand, is hell bent on making sure that does not happen."

"Since when is Emmett in charge of anything?"

"I don't know, but he told Rose about it, and asked her to go plan something, and she actually listened to him. It was so weird."

"Rose is planning the date. Now I know there is no way I am going. You know she hates me?" I asked Jasper, who was smiling. "What is so funny?"

"Rose does not hate you. If she hated you, then she wouldn't give you the time of day, even to cut you down. Rose has a hard shell, but she's all soft inside. Give her a chance you just might find a friend in her," Jasper explained, coming to her defense.

"I will, for your sake, but I'm not looking for a friend, just someone who isn't going to stab me in the back."

"I think I would worry about Alice doing that before you worry about Rose."

"I take it your conversation didn't go well?" I questioned, thinking there was no getting away from this crap.

"Not really. Alice does not take well to not getting her own way. She'll get over it."

"We hope."

"Let's make a deal. Let's focus on me and you from now on, and leave Edward and Alice alone," he requested, taking his place back in front of me.

"Agreed," I whispered, willing to agree to about anything as long as he continued looking at me like he was looking at me at that moment. He was like walking sex, and it was all I could think about when he was around.

"You ready to go back now?"

"Not just yet," I told him, biting my bottom lip trying to keep myself from attacking him.

Before I could act upon my thoughts Jasper's phone started buzzing again.

"Fuck, Emmett again," he hissed, slipping it open.

"What?"

"I'm waiting."

"Emmett is still fair game right?" I asked as he slammed his phone shut.

"Yeah."

"Good. Let's go back. I need to have a little conversation with my big brother."


	33. Chapter 33 and a half

I own nothing.

"One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. Which road do I take? She asked. Where do you want to go? Was his response. I don't know, Alice answered. Then, said the cat, it doesn't matter." – Lewis Carroll

Chapter Thirty Three ½ - Road to Nowhere

**Alice's POV**

They were going to lock me back up in a rubber room and forget all about me, just like they had when I was human. I just knew it.

How could they not?

_I had lost my freaking mind. _

I wasn't just a little mentally unstable. No, I was off-my-rocker nuts. I was demented and deranged. I hadn't slipped off the deep end, I had jumped off into it. I knew it, and everyone else knew it. It was only a matter of time before they tried to put me away to protect themselves from the crazy-ass pixie.

I honestly couldn't fathom how my life had become this undone, how I had lost all control. I was the girl with all the answers. I knew everything before it was even going to happen, but now, I saw nothing.

At first, it had just been Jasper. I looked one day, and he was just gone. Panic filled me, but then I assumed that I had finally decided that it was time to break things off with him, and he had left to be on his own. I always knew that we were not going to be together forever. He was like a stepping stone to get me from point A to point B. I needed him to become part of the Cullen's.

I know you are thinking,_ 'How could you use him like that?'_ But the truth is that we were using each other. He didn't know it, but he needed me just as much as I needed him. If I hadn't walked into his life when I did, Jasper would have been lost forever.

The only difference between me and him was that he believed we were forever. He believed we were each others' future. He believed just what I wanted him to.

But then Bella's future went blank.

I thought that was because Edward decided to walk away from her. What else could he do after I told him that I saw him finding his true mate if he did?

So what if it was a little white lie? We've all told them. There was nothing wrong with it. They are necessities…like shoes and expensive fast cars.

So, I told Edward that he had to leave Bella to find his mate, and he told Bella that he was leaving her because he didn't love her, and he told the family it was to keep her safe, and we all told Jasper it was because of him.

The truth was…well, I didn't know what the fucking truth was anymore. All I knew was that the future was what you made of it…literally.

But then, slowly, everything became foggy, distant, until it all disappeared. Now I saw nothing.

My worst nightmare had come true.

Everyone's future was gone, blank…including mine.

It was as if we had no future. As if we were going to disappear off the face of the universe.

So was it any surprise that I had taken a one way trip on the crazy train? No, not really. Instead of condemning me, they should have been consoling me, especially my husband.

But he wasn't going to be my husband anymore. He didn't want me anymore. He didn't love me anymore. He didn't need me. In fact, he hated me.

And it was all her fault.

She was suppose to be my best friend. She was suppose to be on my side.

She wasn't supposed to ruin my life.

And that is what she had done. From the moment that I allowed her into our lives, she had been like a cancer, eating away at us slowly until there was nothing left.

At least, there was nothing left for me. And that meant that I had nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

And to gain, I'd have to lose. And what I was planning on losing was one little Miss Goody two shoes; ugly shoes on top of it, too.

I knew that if I could erase Bella from the picture, everything would go back to normal. Jasper would worship me once again. My family would hang on my every word. I would be loved and idolized as I deserved. And most importantly, I would finally get my vision back.

All I had to do was figure out how that was going to happen.

My first thought was that I just had to get Bella and Edward back together. That would take care of both her and whiny little Edward. You know what they say - 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer'.

But Edward couldn't fucking step up and make that happen. Not that I was surprised. I couldn't completely blame him though - he was up against Jasper for her affections! I knew better than anyone what that boy could do with his good old boy southern charm.

That, and the fact that no one believed a word I said anymore.

But that was neither here nor there. I could not get distracted from my one and only goal… getting my visions back.

Of course I wanted Jasper back, but not because I was in love with him and couldn't live without him. No, that was never the case. I wanted him back because he was mine. Because no one left me. I was going to be the one to leave him. But first, I wanted to make him fall in love with me once again. As soon as he did, I would break his heart into a million little pieces. I wanted him to hurt. I wanted him to suffer the way that he had made me suffer.

And even without being able to see the future, I knew the one way to make him hurt more then he had ever hurt before was to take away what meant the most to him…Bella.

I didn't understand it. What was it about her that made my family melt like butter?

There was Emmett, who viewed her as his little sister. But wasn't that what I was to him too? He never treated me the way he treated her, like the most precious treasure, to be protected at all cost.

Then there was Carlisle, who instantly forgot all his own rules about never letting a human know what we were when he met her. No, with Bella, all rules were meant to be broken. Just as with Emmett, from day one, Carlisle welcomed Bella as his daughter. There was no doubt, no reservation, only love and acceptance.

It was never like that with me. It had taken both of them a long time to truly welcome me into the family. I had always thought that it was because I was like a step child, considering I had not been changed by Carlisle. I accepted that. I could live with that, knowing the bond siring created.

Bella had shattered that theory.

And Esme…she didn't even _try_ to hide her feelings towards Bella. She was the missing link in the family. Sure, she claimed it was all because of Edward finding his mate and completely the family, but it was not true. Bella completed something in Esme herself. She made Esme feel like a mother in a way none of her otherchildren ever had. And, for that reason, Esme adored her.

Hell, even Rosalie, though she pretended that she couldn't stand her, cared about Bella. If she didn't, she wouldn't give a fuck what she did or didn't do.

And then there was stupid, stubborn Edward. I told him from day one that she was not his mate, that they were not meant to be together. She had no part of his future - no matter how things changed, I never saw a future for them. But he maintained that the future could change. It could, yes, but his wouldn't. Because he didn't love her. What he felt for her was something more along the lines of obsession.

Edward was obsessed with control, in this case, control over his urge to drain her. He was obsessed with trying to hear her thoughts. He was obsessed with finding his mate. Though he would never tell anyone else, he feared he would never find her would remain alone forever. He also worried that there was something wrong with him, since he hadn't found her in a hundred years. I wished I could tell him he was wrong, but the truth was that I hadn't seen him ever finding his mate, no matter what I had told him.

And now he knew it too. Damn. Edward's ability to read my thoughts was a pain in the ass.

We couldn't be so lucky as to have him lose his powers instead of me mine.

So now he knew the truth. He knew that I had never seen a mate for him, that I had lied to help myself.

I assumed that, when he left Bella, we would leave Forks, and then I would have a vision of me heading off on my own, trying to get over the heartache of losing my best friend.

In my visions, while in Paris shopping, and I would simply call and explain to Jasper that I had seen us going in separate directions. He would be heartbroken, pleading for me to tell him it wasn't so, but I would always tell him that was the future I saw, and nothing would change it. I would also let him know that I had also seen him taking time away from the family to get over me. Once he left, I would be able to go home to be with my family, who would feel so sorry for me. I was sure to get a new car from them to help with my pain...

But then Jasper had gone and attacked Bella, ruining everything. Sure, I still got to play the separation card, but instead of everyone feeling sorry for me, they were too busy feeling sorry for Bella and Edward.

We should have just finished her off right then and there. I had always seen her becoming one of us, I just never said who did the deed. I assumed that it was Edward. Hell, I would have picked Esme or Rose before I picked him!

I never could have imagined she would be changed by Jasper. Even if I had seen it, I would never had believed it.

He always claimed that he was okay with our diet, but the truth was that he loathed the taste of animals. He longed for the sweet, warm blood pulsing through the soft bodies of humans. He was like an alcoholic, hopelessly addicted to human blood, and he fell off the wagon too many times to count. And he could not stand that he had, not because of the life he took; no, I think that if it wasn't for his ability to feel emotions, he would have no problem drinking from humans. No, like with Edward, it was all about control. Jasper hated that he could not control his need, his overwhelming desire of human blood. That was why he hated humans - because they held so much power over him.

So, the fact that Jasper had taken just a taste when he wanted the whole thing was unbelievable. I never would have believed he could show so much restraint.

Yet he had, because, in the end, Jasper had fallen under her spell as well.

That was just what it felt like she had done - cast a spell on all of us.

I had no idea the magic she possessed, but I knew it was powerful. Too powerful for me to handle alone. And that was just what I was…alone.

I was without a mate, a family or a home. I had lost everything. Everything that I had worked so hard to obtain had fallen through my hands, as if it was nothing more than ash.

I was right back where I started. Alone in the world, but this time, I was without my life-long companion…the future. For the first time, I was lost with no compass. No idea the direction to go, or what I would find when I arrived.

I had never felt so small or afraid.

Just then, in my moment of desperation, my phone beeped that I had a text message, and the fuck if I knew how it was.

This shit was getting old real fast.

"_Can't see your future…try looking to your past."_

_What_ the hell did that mean, and who the fuck had sent it?

Did it matter?

No.

It seemed that someone knew something about my future, or lack thereof. So it looked like I was heading to Alaska, and whatever, or should I say, whoever, awaited me.


	34. Chapter 34

I own nothing.

A/N: I know what you are thinking, no chapters for weeks and two in one day. I just got them back from my beta who is busy moving but still managed to get them to me so thanks.

The only limit to our realizations of tomorrow will be our doubts of today – Franklin D. Roosevelt

Chapter Thirty-Four – Realizations

Jasper's POV

As I stood there searching through the recesses of my mind, I finally realized something. I honestly could not believe that I never saw this before. I guess I never wanted to. I mean, what did it say about me?

I thought that I had escaped Maria. I thought I was free of a controlling, evil, manipulating, self centered bitch. But I was never free. I had just traded one for another. The only difference was that at least with Maria, I knew what I was getting. I was able to form some kind of defense against her and have my guard up. There were no falsehoods. But with Alice, I had been defenseless. I had no clue what I was dealing with. The face of an angel was merely a mask for the devil hiding beneath.

"Jasper, my son," a familiar voice called, tearing me from my deep thoughts. I turned and headed to Carlisle's office. "How are you?" he asked from behind his desk. I couldn't help but think every time that I saw him lately, he looked older. I knew that was impossible but never the less he had aged.

"Been worse, been better," I replied with a nonchalant shrug as I sank down onto the chair. I was trying to keep my emotions in check. As angry as I was, I knew if I did not rein it in, I would start projecting my emotions.

"I could say the same because at the moment, I feel like my feelings are swaying from one spectrum to the other, as I am sure you know," he sighed. "Part of me is full of great joy and happiness with the addition to our family. I have always considered Bella as a daughter. I just hope that one day, she feels like we are her family as well..." he trailed off. I knew that as happy as he was to have Bella in the family, there was a dark cloud over it. I knew that was because he always believed that Bella was the missing link of the family, that she was Edward's soulmate. She was the one for him.

"She has been through a heck of a lot in the last few months because of all of us. The fact that she isn't certifiable is a miracle in itself. I know that she does love all of you, so I believe in time she will be able to accept this as her new family."

"I sure hope so because we are the reason that she lost her real family."

"Have you been able to come up with any ideas concerning _her death_?" I questioned knowing that the faster it happened, the faster we could get the heck out of dodge.

"I was working on it, but other matters pulled me away. I should have all the details worked out by the time that you get back, it is just that it involves Bella in a large part and I want to make sure there is no other way."

"Mind telling me what you are thinking?"

"I will just wait until you get back. I don't want anything else weighing on your mind right now. Your focus should be on Bella."

"I just wanted to get her away from all this for a little while."

"No need to explain, my son. I think it is a wonderful idea. She needs some enjoyment. It will also be a much needed distraction for the rest of you."

"Rose already left with Bella. Emmett and I are going to meet them there later, though we will need to leave sooner then I planned. I find I am in need of some clothing."

"Yes…well, I am very sorry about that. She came to me very upset about the divorce. She wanted me to talk to you. More like command me to tell you that you couldn't proceed with the divorce. Unfortunately, I did not handle the situation very well. Or rather, as she wanted me to."

"No, Alice threw a fit hoping that you would side with her. Nothing short of telling her what she wanted to hear would have changed anything. At least you were able to catch it before it spread."

"Yes, that was lucky. Though I feel as though she knew we would. I can't believe she meant any of us any harm. Anger can take over the best of us. And she will have to get pass the anger to get to the hurt before she can heal. She just needs time."

"Did she say where she was going?" I asked him, thinking like a military man; know where your enemy is at all times.

"No, she just left. I am assuming she will call when she is ready."

"Yeah, I think we are all seeing that Alice does what she wants and the hell with how if effects everyone else. You are all better off without her right now. As for me, I don't care if I ever see her again other then when she has to sign the divorce papers."

"You say that now, but once your hurt feelings have a chance to heal, you will forgive her."

"As someone just told me, it isn't forgiving that is hard, it is forgetting."

Carlisle did not say anything in response to comment. Instead, he became very quiet and then his emotions spiked.

"Your guilt is overwhelming right now. What, may I ask, are you feeling so guilty about?" I questioned, instantly wondering if it was because he knew something that he was not telling me.

"I have tried to live a life of righteousness, but we both know that what we are hindered that. I know Bella believes we still have a soul and for Esme's sake as well as my children's I hope she is right. But for me, even if I have one, I fear God will not judge me favorably," Carlisle whispered resigned to his fate.

Like him, I was not sure about the condition of our souls or lack thereof. Honestly, I wasn't even sure if there was something more than this life. But there were a few things I was certain of. One was that there was evil in the world, true evil. I had seen it in more forms than I could count. I had witnessed so much of it that I came to doubt there was anything else. That was until I met The Cullens and of course, Bella. I no longer doubted the fact that there was goodness out there, too.

"If God would not judge you favorably, then all I can say is the rest of us are fucked."

"Language, Jasper," he shot out, but there was a twinkle of a smile evident.

"See what I mean?"

"Thank you for that, Jasper, but you do not understand. You have not failed your family as I have. I tried to be a good role model, to not just preach, but practice my beliefs. I laid out what was right and wrong but let you all decide for yourself the path you would take. And when that path was the wrong one, never did I accuse or judge. I offered forgiveness and guidance but somewhere along the way, I failed. I especially failed Alice and Edward."

"The only ones to blame for Alice or Edward is Alice and Edward. You have always been a wonderful father, mentor, and friend to them. Especially to Edward," I explained to him.

"Yes, but what I am realizing, unfortunately, is that I should have been more of a father and less of a friend. When I changed Edward, it was at his mother's request to save his life. Only after did I come to hope that he would be a companion to me. Never did I intend for our relationship to become that of father and son, it just evolved into that. I fear, however, that I did not evolve into the father I needed to be. I have allowed Edward to get a way with things he never should have. I have looked the other way; I have put the wants and needs of the whole family aside for him."

"What I think you are trying to say is you raised a spoiled, self involved, little brat that has lived a privileged life full of all rewards and no sacrifice."

"Basically."

"Don't beat yourself up too much over that. Based on what we know of his human life, he came to you that way."

"Unfortunately, I see now that Edward has not matured much pass the seventeen human years that he lived. But it is time for that to happen. Tough love, I believe they call it."

"What happened?"

"I had just finished dealing with the whole Alice incident when Edward came up to my office, huffing. He told me what had happened in the woods between Bella, him, and you. I knew he was not telling me the complete story, just what he wanted me to know. That alone was enough for me to know that things could not go on as they have been, for all of our sakes, but especially Bella's. We have already hurt her enough. I was appalled, to say the least, when I found out how he treated her. The way he talked about her, he acted like she was a piece of property that you had stolen from him. He demanded that I make you give her back and that I make you leave for good," Carlisle paused, taking a second to rein in his emotions. I sent out a wave a calm to help him with that. He smiled, taking a breath before he continued. "I did not even know what to say to him. Despite my short comings, I know I never once let him think that it was okay to treat a woman or your family that way. I have always demanded respect for both. So that is why, no matter how hard it was for me, I asked him to leave. I made it clear his return would not be welcome until he pulled his head out of his ass and started acting like a man."

Wow…I knew it was serious; Carlisle never swore.

"I suspect that did not go over well with him."

"Not in the least. He acted very much like a child accusing me of taking your side over his. I told him he was wrong but my thoughts betrayed me," he explained to me as his guilt rose once again. "He left, nevertheless. Like with Alice, I don't know where he has gone. Nor do I know if or when he will return."

"When he is done sulking, he will be back," I assured him, even though I knew that once he'd plotted his next move, he'd show his ugly face again. I was not under the falsehoods that Edward was ever going to be what he had been for his whole life, self serving. That was why he and Alice got along so well. Two damn peas in a pod.

"I am sure that you are correct," he sighed getting up from behind his desk. "Come on, let's go find Emmett. I need to have a word with him about something and then you can get out of here. I am sure Rosalie and Bella are anxious to see you both."

Not surprisingly, we found Emmett playing XBOX 360 in the living room. I swear he would have withdrawal symptoms if he was away from that thing for too long.

"There you are, dude. I have been waiting like forever for you. Got my stuff all packed…well, Rosie had it all packed for me…but anyways, I am ready to get out of here."

"We will, but I am going to go and have a quick hunt before we leave," I told him. I could feel the thirst and I knew the fight with Edward had taken a lot out of me. I'm sure the same could be said for Bella. I hope that Rose knew enough to make sure to take her out to hunt before they headed out shopping around all those people. God I hope we were all right about her control. I did not want to doubt her but everything in my experienced told me not to. I should call Rose.

"Man, what am I going to do while I'm waiting," he whined, "I've already destroyed these mother fucking aliens like twice."

"Language…"

"It's cool, Doc. Esme went out shopping for some shit."

Carlisle's frustration went up at least ten degrees as he rubbed his temple trying to focus.

"I'll be back shortly," I announced to them both, sending out some calm as I headed out.

"Emmett, we need to talk," was the last thing I heard before I was out of the house.

"What's up, Doc?" was the last thing I heard before I was too far away to hear anything else.


	35. Chapter 35

I own nothing.

"There you see her, sitting there across the way, she don't got a lot to say, but there's something about her, and you don't know why, but you're dying to try…you wanna kiss the girl, Yes, you want her, look at her, you know you do, possible she wants you too, there is one way to ask her, it don't take a word, not a single word, go on and kiss the girl," The Little Mermaid Kiss a Girl

Chapter Thirty-Five – Car Conversations

**Bella's POV**

Things fell silent between Rosalie and me after our fun little get-to-know you conversation.

Don't get me wrong…It was not that I was trivializing anything that she had confided in me. I knew that it hadn't been easy for her to open up to me, but sharing all that she had about her and her family... It was a big deal.

I knew it was a step in the right direction, but everything with her was…just so difficult. It was like pulling teeth to get her to move an inch. At least as far as I was concerned. She was right when she said that I could be holding my breath for a very long time waiting for her to welcome me into the family.

I wished that I didn't care, but, for some reason, I wanted her approval more then anyone else's. Maybe it was because of how close she was to Jasper, or maybe it was just that I couldn't stand her not liking me. Whatever the reason, I was determined to make her like me. I only wished I knew how.

I had a feeling that playing nice with her wouldn't do it. No, with Rosalie, you had to fight fire with fire.

The vibrating of my phone in my pocket brought me out of my useless thoughts.

Jasper!

He was just the person I wanted to talk to. No, not wanted. I needed to talk to him.

"Hi," I whispered, actually thinking that if I talked low enough, Rosalie wouldn't be able to hear me.

"How are you honey?" he asked, his voice soothing and exciting me all at the same time. Damn, I wished that he was right there in front of me instead of over the phone. I needed him.

"Fine. Rosalie is taking me shopping," I told him, trying to keep my lack of enthusiasm under cover. There was no way I was going to let her know she could get to me so easily.

"You okay with that?" he questioned. I could almost see the tiniest of smirks and his raised eyebrow through the phone.

"Well, since I don't have any clothes, I guess it is a good idea."

"I'm sorry about that," he told me, his voice soft almost sad.

"It isn't your fault," I said, thinking that the fault lay with his crazy wife. I didn't say that, though, because it just a reminder that he still had one. "Besides, it will be a nice opportunity for Rosalie and I to spend some time together."

"Do you think that you are going to be okay with being around all those people? Have you hunted lately?" he asked, his concern radiating through the phone.

"I think I'll be fine," I told him, thinking that his emotions were all over the place. I hated think that was because of me.

"You think?"

"Jasper… God! Stop acting like you-know-who. I mean, do you want us to pick up a new pea coat for you when we are shopping? I'll take her hunting before, and if she says she will be fine, then trust that she will be fine," Rosalie shouted, knowing that he would hear her.

Wow, Rosalie was sticking up for me. That was something completely new, but something that I could get used to. I liked having her on my side.

"I'm just worried about you," he softly said, and all I wanted in that moment was to slip my hand up his chest and caress his cheek before I bent in to kiss his plump lips, pressing my…

"Bella?"

"Yeah?" I said, trying to control the thoughts suddenly taking over my mind. It was all his fault. That boy was distracting, even over the phone.

"Are you sure that you are okay?" he asked.

"Fine," I swallowed, not about to tell him that I was coming unhinged just thinking about being alone with him. Why couldn't we be there already?

"Alright, I will see you in a few hours at the hotel. You can call me for any reason," he told me.

I could hear in his voice that he was just as anxious to be with me as I was with him, and wondered how I could get Rosalie to call off this whole date thing. I just wanted to be _ALONE_ with Jasper. Couldn't anyone understand that?

"I will."

"Bye darling."

I clicked the phone shut, but continued to hold it tight in my hand, as if doing so would let me feel him through the phone.

I was still holding tightly to the phone when we stopped on an old dirt road in the middle of nowhere. I knew why we were there, so I didn't bother to ask. Without words, we both got out and headed off to hunt. With purpose we hunted, finding whatever was near, not what tasted the best. It was our version of fast food…a few deer.

After our hunt, we returned to the road and drove straight to hell… shopping.

I wanted to bitch and moan, but was too stubborn to give Rosalie the satisfaction of knowing that this was torture to me. So I sucked it up and plastered a smile on my face. I knew she didn't buy it for a minute, but she didn't call me on it either.

And in that moment, I realized something profound about Rosalie. Something that would change the course of our friendship, which was that, with Rosalie, it was not about what she said, but what she did.

Instead of taking me to the type of places that Alice would have and force me to get clothes I hated, she took me to stores that had jeans and tee-shirts. Sure, they were expensive and stylish, but they were still things I would feel comfortable in. She didn't push me to be anything other than what I was.

In fact, the only advice she gave me was when we were in some fancy underwear shop. With one look at the place and the prices, my mouth opened to protest, but a single glace from Rosalie snapped it shot.

I mean, seriously, who needed to pay that much money for some barely there piece of dental floss? It was insane. But I needed them, and something told me that Rosalie was not going to agree to take me to Target, so I picked up enough to get me by.

"I'm done," I told her.

Rosalie looked over at me and simply said, "Edward likes blue. Jasper's favorite color is red." After sharing that bit of information with me, she walked away.

I stood there staring at the items in my hands. Everything was in different shades of blue, with a few pink and white items.

Dropping the stuff as if it was on fire, I backed away from the pile and walked back to the front of the store to start all over.

A short time later, I approached her once again, and she smiled as in approval of my new choices of red, black, hot pink, and purple. She also seemed pleased at the amount of items I tossed on the counter.

With the thought that Jasper might be, hopefully would be, seeing what I had under my clothes, I found it was easy to pick out quite a few things other than the basics.

"Thanks," I told her once we were back in the car heading for the hotel.

"I didn't do it for you. I did it for Jasper," she shot back at me, forever the ice princess.

"Whatever your reasons, I still want to thank-you. You could have been a bigger bitch than you already were and made me miserable, but you didn't."

"Jasper paid me off."

"Of course he did," I said letting it go. I was just not in the mood right now to go to battle with her.

"Do you really think that I was doing this out of the kindness of my heart?" she asked me, clearly not feeling the same way as I did about letting it go. God, it was going to be a long night.

"No, Rosalie. I would never mistake you for having a heart," I shot right back, not missing a beat with my comeback. The old me would have cowered in my seat, but the new me was going to give what I got.

"This family has one bitch in it, and that is me, so don't for a minute think that you are taking over that title," she informed, giving me another small insight into her head, even if she hadn't meant to.

"I have no intentions of dethroning you as master bitch, but I am not going to let you walk over me anymore. You should understand that if you want to be a bitch to me, then I can and will be one right back. If you want to be civil, then so will I. You can hate me all you want, but I am not going anywhere this time. And if you plan on being in Jasper's life, then you are going to be dealing with me, because I am not going anywhere," I explained, setting the ground rules for how it was going to be. Who knew how Rosalie was going to respond.

"Like I have said before, as long as you are good to Jasper, we will have no problems."

"Then we will have no problems."

"Enough said."

**Jasper's POV**

After my hunt and phone call to Bella, I was more than ready to get on the road. All I could think about was seeing her, touching her. It felt like I had been away from her forever.

I had never felt this way before with anyone…as if I was not whole without her next to me.

"About time," Emmett accused, sitting in his jeep jumping up and down like he was high on Red Bull. Rose was going to need to replace the shocks if he kept that up.

"Patience is a virtue," I shot at him as I hopped in beside him.

"What?" He looked at me like I was speaking another language.

"Nothing," I muttered as he threw the jeep into drive and flew towards the main road. "Fuck, Emmett! I want to get there in one piece."

"Don't worry, you'll fuse back together," he laughed.

"Yeah, but I don't want to be spending my time doing that when I could be with Bella."

"Having sex…."

"Emmett…"

"I know. I know. Carlisle already yelled at me for butting my nose into other people's personal and private business. I am, under no condition, to have sex conversation with Bella. I am not to give her advice or publications dealing with sex."

"What?" I yelled at him.

"Carlisle overheard me giving Bella a sex talk. That was what he wanted to talk to me about. He said that it was none of my concern. That if Bella had questions or wanted to talk about something she would seek out whom ever she felt most comfortable with. He went as far as to accuse me of ambushing her. It was not at all like that. All I did was explain that sex is bad, and she should never have it!"

"Emmett…"

"Come on, Jazzy…she is my sister. What advice would you give your sister?"

"Not to marry a stupid overbearing man that can't keep his mouth closed and out of other people's business."

"Exactly. I had to try, but Bella put me in my place and told me to mind my own business or else. I kind of figured she would say that, because she is _in love_ with you and wants to get _freaky_ with you."

"Emmett…"

"What? It's true. Anyways, I didn't think she would want to talk about sex positions and all that with me, so I gave her a How to Book. She said thank you and was on her way. But Carlisle said it was inappropriate, and if he caught me sticking my nose in others people's business again, he would dispose of my video games and I would not see another one for a decade. He was totally serious too. Not that he is ticked at me but he thought whatever I said or did was funny. No, this was 'don't test me shit'."

"And you know what, Emmett? If I catch you talking to or about it with Bella, I am going to make sure that Rose disposes of another game stick you like to play with, and that you don't see IT again for a decade. And don't test me on it either."

"You and Carlisle both need to get laid… You are way too uptight."

"Emmett…."

"Fine, you won't hear the word "sex" out my mouth again," he promised.

"Thank you," I told him as I sat back into the seat and tried to block him out. It was impossible, though, as the laughter boiled up in him and rushed out.

"What?"

"I never said anything about nookie, hitting it, banging, getting laid, humping, doing the nasty, getting busy or bow-chika-bow-wow…"

"EMMETT…"

"Fine, fine…you are no fun at all," he huffed. Then he whispered under his breath, _"Should have given the book to him instead of Bella."_

I just shook my head and let it go.

But what I could not let go of were my thoughts and feelings that centered on Bella.

I did not know it could be this hard being away from another person. I ached from not being with her. As soon as I got her back in my arms, I was never going to let her go again.

And when she was in my arms, I was going to make her mine completely, so that she never wanted to leave me.

God, I hated to admit that Emmett was right, but fuck, all I could think about was making love to her, and that was something new for me.

With Alice, sex was about taking care of a need, like hunting. It was always fast and hard, searching for a release. It was never about expressing love or emotions. But sex had always been like that, so I never questioned that it could or should be different.

But with Bella, all I could think about was the journey. I wanted to spend hours just kissing. Long, slow kisses that went on forever, our tongues twisting and tasting. Then I wanted to undress her ever so slowly until she was gloriously naked before me. I wanted to drink in the sight of her, taking to memory every curve, every line of her perfect body. I wanted to then touch every square inch, only to then lick and taste. I wanted her to do the same to me. There would be no barriers between us, just touching, feeling, needing to become one, completely skin to skin until it was impossible to tell where I ended and she began. I could almost feel her breath on my neck, my hand on her hip. One single touch from her would cause me to erupt into an instant fire, an electric burn. Every single touch like the first, and when I finally slid into her, it would be like going home. God, I could almost feel her pulsing and tightening around me as she screamed my name.

"Shit Jasper… snap out of your fucking porn daydream. Whatever you are doing, you better stop or I am going to pull this car over and jump your bones myself," Emmett shouted, breaking me from my thoughts.

"Shut up, Emmett."

"I'm sorry. But DAMN!"

"Just shut up."

"Please tell me that you were not having sex fantasies about my sweet little sister?" he accused.

"Emmett, shut up."

"I'm not the one projecting all kinds of sexual vibes, making others in the car all horny," he countered, shifting uncomfortably in his seat.

"Sorry."

"It's alright dude. I know that it has been awhile since you have gotten any."

"Emmett."

"What? You haven't been with Alice in awhile, and even though you're with Bella now, I know you haven't done anything with her, right?"

"No Emmett."

"Good, good…let's keep it that way."

"Emmett."

"I am not saying that you shouldn't take care of your sexually frustration. We can keep Bella occupied for awhile while you rub one out."

"Fuck, Emmett!"

"It's alright! We all have to take care of business. I mean, when Rose grounds me from sex, I have to, or I would explode."

"Emmett, I am warning you, if you say another word, I am going to beat the shit out of you."

"I am just trying to help…so touchy…really does need to get laid…got a fucking stick up his ass that needs to be removed…can't even talk to him…don't know what his problem is…seriously," Emmett muttered under his breath as he floored the jeep to get us there quicker.

I couldn't blame him. I knew I was strung tighter than shit. I just was worried about Bella. Worried about how she was handling her bloodlust and being stuck being with Rose. Once I was with her and I knew she was okay, then maybe I could start relaxing.

"We're here," Emmett announced, jumping out of the jeep and rushing into the hotel, clearly trying to get the hell away from me. I couldn't blame him. I needed a break from myself.

It didn't matter though, because in mere minutes I would be seeing Bella again, and everything would be alright.


	36. Chapter 36

I own nothing.

Music is love in search of a word – Sidonie Gabrielle

Chapter Thirty-Six – This Song is for you

**Jasper's POV**

When I arrived to check into the hotel, and saw that Bella and Rose had not checked in yet, panic filled me instantly. I quickly called, and found out that they were on their way back from shopping. Hearing Bella's voice calmed me, so I was able to run out and do some quick shopping of my own.

By the time I got back, Bella and Rose had arrived, but as Emmett, who was waiting in my room, unhappily reported, they were holed up in Rose and Emmett's room getting ready for our date.

"All I wanted was to spend some alone time with my wife, but no! I get kicked out of my _own_ room so they can play dress up. Since when does Bella care about what she looks like?" Emmett grumbled.

"Hey."

"You know what I'm talking about, and besides, those two don't even like each other. It's strange, and weird, and I don't like it one bit."

"You don't have to like each other to get dressed in the same room. Girls have this thing about getting ready together. I'm not sure why, but that is just how it is."

"Whatever," he huffed, throwing himself onto the bed, tossing the pillows across the room. "This bed is way too soft. I sure hope the one in our room is firmer than this one," Emmett announced randomly, bouncing up and down on the bed.

"I'm going to shower and get ready. Can you call Rose and tell her to hurry up?" I asked, thinking that I needed to get this date over with so that, not only could I be alone with Bella, but so that I could get away from Emmett for awhile.

"Dude, no fucking way. I plan on having sex tonight, and you know how she gets when I try to rush her."

I just shook my head and walked into the shower, hoping the shower would wash away some of my stress. It didn't, but seeing Bella standing there when I got out did.

Without saying a word, I walked over and took her into my arms, savoring the feel of her. Her sweet aroma of freesia and strawberries was like breathing oxygen to my long-dead lungs. I immediately felt better.

"I've missed you," I whispered into her ear.

"Me too," she whispered back.

"Oh how sweet…"

I heard the smack, and then Emmett's voice: "Fuck, Rose! I missed you. Let's go back to our room, and you can show me what was in those lingerie bags."

"Can't you think of anything else?"

"Yeah, but why would I?"

"You look beautiful," I whispered to Bella, trying to ignore Emmett and Rose. I really wished they would go to their room for awhile, or better yet, the rest of the night. It felt like I had been away from Bella forever, and all I wanted was to have some time alone with her.

"Thank you," she whispered back. And though she couldn't physically blush anymore, I could still feel it. "Rosalie took me shopping."

"Yeah, and they went to the lingerie store. You know what that means don't you? Someone is going to have sex tonight," Emmett boomed.

"And that someone is not you," Rose informed him with another smack.

"God damn it, Rose! Every time I open my mouth you slap me."

"Well, maybe you should keep your mouth shut."

"How about we just head out on our date," I interjected. I could feel all the pent-up tension, both sexual and emotional, and knew that we needed some distraction.

A club…of all places Rose could have come up with for this date, this important first date, she picked about the last place that Bella would ever want to go. I looked over at Rose, and her eyes shined with a wicked light. Yeah, it was clear to see that this had been intentional. Operation 'make Bella uncomfortable' was in full effect.

"We don't have to go in. You and I can go somewhere else. Any place you want…just name it. We can just go back to the hotel if that is what you want," I told her as I shot death glares at Rose, who was radiating innocence. Oh, I was so getting her back...she'd better find a place to hide her precious car collection.

"No way, José. We are all staying here, and we are going to have some fucking fun for a change. Understand?" Emmett almost growled his demand.

"Emmett, calm the heck down. No one is going anywhere. Let's go have some fucking fun," Bella replied, flashing me a reassuring smile that widened to a full smile as Emmett's laughter filled the air.

"Seriously, I'm okay. Please stop worrying so much about me. It will be fun, if for no other reason than Emmett," she told me as we walked to the front of the line and straight past the velvet rope.

The place was average, far from the upscale-VIP type of club that we normally hung out in. That didn't bother me, except for the fact that we were sticking out even more then usual. That was one thing we didn't need. Especially not with Bella being an unpredictable newborn. Seriously, what the fuck were we doing here? Had I lost my ever-loving mind to even think about having her out in the mist of all these innocent, unsuspecting people?

"Bella, maybe we shouldn't be here," I gulped as the aroma of intoxicated blood hit me full force.

"Jasper you can calm down. I'm not going to go on a feeding frenzy and drain everyone. I'm not feeling any bloodlust, as I'm sure you can feel. If I start to feel anything, I'll let you know. Okay?" she explained, and I had to wonder how she knew what I was feeling.

"You're projecting," she whispered, making me wonder if she would read my mind. Fuck! I was worried about her taking out half the bar, and it was me I needed to be worried about.

"Chill the fuck out Jasper," Emmett said as we found an open table. "You need a drink," he said, motioning for the waitress.

"We can drink?" Bella quietly asked.

"Yeah, but we don't do well with it."

"What can I get for you?" the waitress asked. The lust that was coming off of her was ridiculous. The thing was, it was directed at Rose and Bella, not Emmett or me. She had good taste, I had to admit.

"I'll have a Cum in a hot tub," Emmett announced, followed by Rose, who asked for a Skinny Dip. I just asked for a beer, and then it was Bella's turn.

"What would you like?" the waitress asked, eying-fucking the hell out of Bella in her tight-assed jeans and her form-fitting, blood red shirt. Not to mention the mile-high fuck me boots...Bella was wearing heels. Man, all I could think about was ripping her clothes off and having her wrap those boots around me as I buried myself deep.

Fuck! The waitress's lust, coupled with my own, was going to send me over the edge.

"I'm not really sure…"

"Get her a Cherry Bomb," Rose told the waitress before dismissing her with just a look.

"So Bella, are you going to let Jasper pop your cherry bomb tonight?" Emmett asked with a straight face, but just barely, before he broke out in roaring laughter.

At vampire speed, not only did Rose haul off and smack him, but so did Bella.

"Jesus fucking Christ, now I got you hitting me too, Bells? I am so used and abused... I can't even open my mouth anymore without someone attacking me. You all better be careful, or I might just find someone who will appreciate me for me."

"I would appreciate you keeping your big fucking mouth closed. Remember our little talk on the way here? Remember the little talk you had with Carlisle before we left? If you don't, maybe you would like me to remind you?" I threatened.

Before Emmett could answer, the waitress was back with our drinks.

"Here you go. Can I get you anything else?" the waitress asked, her meaning clear.

"Four shots of Tequila and another round of these," Rose demanded in her normal put-off tone.

"She wants me," Emmett boasted as she walked away. I couldn't help the laugh that escaped my lips.

"She wants to take home two of us," I said, then added, "But it wasn't you or me."

"_What?"_

"She would take home both Rose and Bella if she had the chance, but neither of us."

I knew Bella would be blushing if she could, but Rose was in her glory.

"Sorry, Emmy, you are just no competition for me," Rose gloated.

"That's all right babe…as long as I get to watch."

"Emmett…"

"Fine, fine I am going to keep my mouth shut."

That lasted all of five minutes.

"Now what?" Emmett asked, his ADD kicking in. He was not good at standing still and doing nothing.

I had to agree with Emmett, though. No one was dancing, and there was no band or DJ. Pop music was pouring out of bad speakers, and it seemed everyone was just standing around drinking and staring at us.

Suddenly, I could feel the spike in Bella's emotions. Fear, worry, and uneasiness pooled and poured off of her.

"We are out of here," I demanded, ready to take Bella out by force if I needed to. She could be mad at me later.

"God, Jasper, when the fuck did you turn into Edward?" Rose attacked, going straight for a low blow.

"You can call me every nasty word in the book later, after I get Bella out of here."

"Jasper…I am fine."

"No, you are not. I felt your fear spike off the charts."

"Yes, but just because you can read my emotions does not mean that you can read my mind to know what is causing them. The fear you were feeling was from that…" she explained, pointing over to the make-shift stage in the middle of the club.

A karaoke machine had been set up.

"Surprise…" Rose grinned. "I blocked out the first four songs for each of us.

"Yes…" Emmett jumped up and down, pumping his arms in the air. "I'm so going first," he called rushing up to the stage.

All I could think was that I was going to kill Rose. A slow and torturous death, but only after I made her watch me destroy the garage of her cars. That bitch was pure evil. Not only had she taken us to a bar, but it was a karaoke bar. Seriously, it would have been more humane to rip Bella limb from limb and set her on fire.

"What were you thinking?" I demanded, trying to keep my voice and anger controlled.

"_What?"_ she asked, trying to play it off like Emmett, but whereas you believed Emmett meant no harm, I knew that Rose did.

"It's fine, Jasper. It might be fun," Bella told me, trying to calm me down. "Really, I'm fine with it. I mean, as long as you plan on singing a song too," she said, as if she hoped I refused so she would have an excuse to back out.

"As long as you are okay with this, I am okay with it."

She smiled a smile to make me forget everything else, and then she moved in closer, brushing my hair to the side, and whispered in my ear, "If you think I would ever give Rosalie the satisfaction of me running away with my tail between the legs, you don't know me that well at all." Then she downed her drink in one shot and licked the lingering liquor off her lips.

Fuck, I never was more turned on in my life. I was about to drag her off into a corner Emmett's voice broke through my thoughts.

Hee-Hee!  
Ooh!  
Go On Girl!  
Aaow!

Hey Pretty Baby With The  
High Heels On  
You Give Me Fever  
Like I've Never, Ever Known  
You're Just A Product Of  
Loveliness  
I Like The Groove Of  
Your Walk,  
Your Talk, Your Dress  
I Feel Your Fever  
From Miles Around  
I'll Pick You Up In My Car  
And We'll Paint The Town  
Just Kiss Me Baby  
And Tell Me Twice  
That You're The One For Me

The Way You Make Me Feel  
(The Way You Make Me Feel)  
You Really Turn Me On  
(You Really Turn Me On)  
You Knock Me Off Of My Feet  
(You Knock Me Off Of  
My Feet)  
My Lonely Days Are Gone  
(My Lonely Days Are Gone)

I Like The Feelin' You're  
Givin' Me  
Just Hold Me Baby And I'm  
In Ecstasy  
Oh I'll Be Workin' From Nine  
To Five  
To Buy You Things To Keep  
You By My Side  
I Never Felt So In Love Before  
Just Promise Baby, You'll  
Love Me Forevermore  
I Swear I'm Keepin' You  
Satisfied  
'Cause You're The One For Me  
The Way You Make Me Feel  
(The Way You Make Me Feel)  
You Really Turn Me On  
(You Really Turn Me On)  
You Knock Me Off Of My Feet  
Now Baby-Hee!  
(You Knock Me Off Of  
My Feet)  
My Lonely Days Are Gone-  
A-Acha-Acha  
(My Lonely Days Are Gone)  
Acha-Ooh!

Go On Girl!  
Go On! Hee! Hee! Aaow!  
Go On Girl!

I Never Felt So In Love Before  
Promise Baby, You'll Love Me  
Forevermore  
I Swear I'm Keepin' You  
Satisfied  
'Cause You're The One For  
Me . . .

The Way You Make Me Feel  
(The Way You Make Me Feel)  
You Really Turn Me On  
(You Really Turn Me On)  
You Knock Me Off Of My Feet  
Now Baby-Hee!  
(You Knock Me Off Of  
My Feet)  
My Lonely Days Are Gone  
(My Lonely Days Are Gone)

The Way You Make Me Feel  
(The Way You Make Me Feel)  
You Really Turn Me On  
(You Really Turn Me On)  
You Knock Me Off Of My Feet  
Now Baby-Hee!  
(You Knock Me Off Of  
My Feet)  
My Lonely Days Are Gone  
(My Lonely Days Are Gone)

Ain't Nobody's Business,  
Ain't Nobody's Business  
(The Way You Make Me Feel)  
Ain't Nobody's Business,  
Ain't Nobody's Business But  
Mine And My Baby  
(You Really Turn Me On)  
Hee Hee!  
(You Knock Me Off Of  
My Feet)  
Hee Hee! Ooh!  
(My Lonely Days Are Gone)

Give It To Me-Give Me  
Some Time  
(The Way You Make Me Feel)  
Come On Be My Girl-I Wanna  
Be With Mine  
(You Really Turn Me On)  
Ain't Nobody's Business-  
(You Knock Me Off Of  
My Feet)  
Ain't Nobody's Business But  
Mine And My Baby's  
Go On Girl! Aaow!  
(My Lonely Days Are Gone)

Hee Hee! Aaow!  
Chika-Chika  
Chika-Chika-Chika  
Go On Girl!-Hee Hee!  
(The Way You Make Me Feel)  
Hee Hee Hee!  
(You Really Turn Me On)  
(You Knock Me Off My Feet)  
(My Lonely Days Are Gone)

(The Way You Make Me Feel)  
(You Really Turn Me On)  
(You Knock Me Off My Feet)  
(My Lonely Days Are Gone)

The crowd roared in applause as Emmett finished his song, complete with crotch grab. I had to admit, Emmett sure knew how to work a crowd. He also knew how to work Rose. The love and lust pouring off of Rose was enough to start an orgy in this place.

"That's for you, baby," Emmett announced, shaking the place as he jumped off the stage. Rose was waiting right there for him to start the face sucking.

"You're up baby," Emmett announced as he pulled away, slapping her on the ass as she headed up to the stage. She just looked back at him and smiled.

The whole bar was in quiet awe as Rose stood on stage, waiting for the music to start. I wasn't sure what song she was going to pick, but, knowing Rose, I would have never expected the one she picked.

"This is for my only love," she whispered.

You've got a way with me  
Somehow you got me to believe  
In everything that I could be  
I've gotta say-you really got a way  
You've got a way it seems  
You gave me faith to find my dreams  
You'll never know just what that means  
Can't you see... you got a way with me

It's in the way you want me  
It's in the way you hold me  
The way you show me just what love's made of  
It's in the way we make love

You've got a way with words  
You get me smiling even when it hurts  
There's no way to measure what your love is worth  
I can't believe the way you get through to me

It's in the way you want me  
It's in the way you hold me  
The way you show me just what love's made of  
It's in the way we make love

Oh, how I adore you  
Like no one before you  
I love you just the way you are

It's in the way you want me  
It's in the way you hold me  
The way you show me just what love's made of  
It's in the way we make love

It's just the way you are

Rose was just finishing as Emmett ran up to the stage and attacked her. The love radiating between them was pure and complete. No matter what crazy shit happened between them, there was no doubting the love. It was something to envy.

Moments later, they were back at the table grinning.

"Who is going next?" Emmett questioned, eying both of us.

"You don't have to," I told Bella once again.

"I'm fine, but I'll go last. Okay?" she whispered, and I knew she was quietly panicking, but I could also feel her resolve.

"Alright," I told her, wrapping my arms around her and kissing her sweetly on the lips, fighting for control to keep the kiss light. Between my own raging lust and everyone else's in the place, I was a ticking time bomb. Thankfully for me, Bella had the smarts to pull away, giving me a smile that expressed that she understood. I smiled back, and made my way to the stage.

Picking a song was harder then I thought it would be. Nothing seemed to say what I wanted to convey, but then, there it was. I took a settling breath and started.

I'm desperate for changing  
Starving for truth  
I'm closer to where I started  
I'm chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you  
Letting go of all I've held onto  
I'm standing here until you make me move  
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

Forgetting all I'm lacking  
Completely incomplete  
I'll take your invitation  
You take all of me now

I'm falling even more in love with you  
Letting go of all I've held onto  
I'm standing here until you make me move  
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

I'm living for the only thing I know  
I'm running and not quite sure where to go  
And I don't know what I'm diving into  
Just hanging by a moment here with you

There's nothing else to lose  
There's nothing else to find  
There's nothing in the world  
That can change my mind

There is nothing else  
There is nothing else  
There is nothing else

I'm desperate for changing  
I'm starving for truth  
I'm closer to where I started  
I'm chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you  
Letting go of all I've held onto  
I'm standing here until you make me move  
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

I'm living for the only thing I know  
I'm running and not quite sure where to go  
And I don't know what I'm diving into  
Just hanging by a moment here with you

Just hanging by a moment  
Hanging by a moment  
Hanging by a moment  
Hanging by a moment here with you

The crowd erupted in applause, but to me, it was all back ground noise. I was completely focused on Bella and her reaction.

"I'm falling more in love with you too," she whispered as she slipped past me and onto the stage.

She flipped through the song list, taking her time. I figured it was a stall tactic, as if taking long enough to choose a song would make time would run out before she had to sing it. . I focused my gift on her and felt her emotions. No matter how scared she was, she was determined to get up there and prove, not to us, but to herself, that she was not going to be controlled by fear.

It was some thing that Edward had instilled into her… this fear, her mistrusting her own abilities, and thinking that she couldn't stand on her own two feet without someone behind her to hold her up. I hated him for doing that to her.

I wanted to be with her, supporting her every step of the way, but I didn't want to be there holding her up or holding her back. I wanted her to be her own person, making her own choices. I wanted her to be happy and secure with herself, and within our relationship, so that she felt confident and assured to go out and do everything she wanted to, and even some things she didn't, knowing that, at the end of the day, I would always be there for her, no matter what.

I watched as she set down the songbook and stepped up to the microphone.

You're a song  
Written by the hands of god  
Don't get me wrong cause  
This might sound to you a bit odd  
But you own the place  
Where all my thoughts go hiding  
And right under your clothes  
Is where I find them

Underneath Your Clothes  
There's an endless story  
There's the man I chose  
There's my territory  
And all the things I deserve  
For being such a good girl honey

Because of you  
I forgot the smart ways to lie  
Because of you  
I'm running out of reasons to cry  
When the friends are gone  
When the party's over  
We will still belong to each other

Underneath Your Clothes  
There's an endless story  
There's the man I chose  
There's my territory  
And all the things I deserve  
For being such a good girl honey

I love you more than all that's on the planet  
Movin' talkin' walkin' breathing  
You know it's true  
Oh baby it's so funny  
You almost don't believe it  
As every voice is hanging from the silence  
Lamps are hanging from the ceiling  
Like a lady tied to her manners  
I'm tied up to this feeling

Underneath Your Clothes  
There's an endless story  
There's the man I chose  
There's my territory  
And all the things I deserve  
For being such a good girl honey

"I approve," Rose said simply as the song ended.

So did I.

A/N: Songs in this chapter are:

The Way You Make Me Feel – Michael Jackson

You Got a Way About You – Swain Twain

Hangin By a Moment – Lifehouse

Underneath Your Clothes - Sharika


	37. Chapter 37

I own nothing.

In my experience, there is only one motivation, and that is desire. No reasons or principle contain it or stand against it – Jane Smiley

Chapter Thirty Seven

Expectations

**BELLA'S POV**

I felt like I had been holding my breath since the moment that the last note left my mouth. The moment that I had saw that song, I knew it had to be the one I sung to Jasper. It was the perfect way to express so much that was inside of me that I wanted to articulate to him.

I was nervous for his reaction, but I never really got one. Things were a complete blur from the moment I stepped off the stage until we were safely alone in our hotel room.

About all I knew was Emmett and Rose went off in one direction, back to their room, and Jasper and I headed to ours and we were alone…FINALLY!

What a sweet wonderful word to my ears…alone. That was when it was not terrifying and overwhelming. There was nothing to distract us. No one to interrupt us. All I could think was now what? Now what were we going to do now that we were alone?

I mean, I knew what I would like to be doing but it was a two person event, so I had to consider whether or not Jasper was thinking that same thing I was. There was a possibility that he was, but there was a possibility that he wasn't.

Though we had shared a few amazing moments together the truth of the matter was that this relationship was very new for both of us. Honestly, we were still working on getting to know each other.

I mean, this was just our first date. What kind of girl would I be if I hopped into bed with him on the first date? I would be that girl who was about to spontaneously combust. My whole body was charged with sexual tension. It was all I had been thinking about. It was if my thoughts were single minded. I had never experienced such a consuming thought before. I wanted him, and I wanted him now.

It was just that we were not just talking about having sex. No, this was so much more then that. It would change everything between us. And I was ready for everything to change. I was beyond ready. I just had to let Jasper know how ready I was.

"This hotel is amazing." I let slip out as I circled the room. I softly ran my hand up and over each surface I came in contact with needing to touch something to stop me from grabbing him. I wanted him so bad it hurt. "The whole night has been amazing. Thank you for everything," I softly said finally coming to stand in front of him. He was leaning against the door jam looking hotter than sin. Would it be rude if I simply jumped him right there and then?

"Honestly, you need to thank Rose. I just showed up," Jasper explained to me. He looked as tense on the outside as I felt on the inside. Could he be feeling all the same things I was? Or was it that he could feel what I was feeling and it was making him completely uncomfortable? Honestly, I thought that he would be attacking me in the same way that I wanted to be attacking him.

"I know. Rosalie was sure to tell me that you bought her off to get her to play nice with me today. I have to say it was money well spent. She was almost civil to me," I smiled for a moment before moving back into the room. I knew if I lingered that close to Jasper any longer, I was going to attack him.

"I sure hope that you did not do the same for Emmett because that was quite the waste of money. You will never believe the conversation that I had with him before we left," I explained to Jasper striping out of my jacket. I had not planned on sharing that conversation with Jasper, but it was a way of bringing up the subject. I needed to know where his head was on the topic. He was far too quiet.

"Unfortunately, I am well aware of that conversation. Trust me, you don't have to worry about him doing anything like that again," Jasper assured me. I was wondering how it was that he was still standing motionless talking to me. It was as if he was bored with all this.

By now, I had made my way to the bed where I sat down on the edge pulling off my boots and socks. Once that act was done, I pulled myself up on the bed until I was comfortably lounging on a sea of pillows. I looked completely as ease, but looks were deceiving.

"I will admit that at the time, it was rather embarrassing. Now that it is over, I have to admit that I am quite thankful to Emmett for butting his nose in."

"And why is that?" Jasper dared asked.

"Well the truth is that I have been stressed out about the whole thing. I know what is meant to happen, but beyond the basics, I am in the dark," I whispered fiddling with the ruffle on the pillow I was holding in front of me like a shield. "Emmett was kind enough to give me a book that went into great detail on well…_everything._" I swallowed. By now, I was not looking at him at all.

"Bella…"

"You do realize that Edward and I never…" I said.

"I am aware," Jasper almost hissed just by the mention of his name. Or was it at the mention of doing it?

"And I never with anyone else either…so that means that I don't have a clue what I am doing when it comes to this. Other then the fact that I want to do it with you," I said as I stared at him, waiting for him to say or do something. I had just laid it out there, praying that he would tell me he wanted all the same things I wanted.

"Bella…" Jasper said. Once again his voice had taken on a hard edge.

"I am going to take a shower and you can just relax," I announced suddenly rushing off the bed and into the bathroom.

I know it seemed like I was retreating, but the truth was I was just regrouping. Clearly Jasper was not going to take the lead when it came to us being intimate, so that meant I had to. God help me now.

Stripping out of my clothes, I hopped in the shower and tried to calm myself down, but it was not happening. I could not even touch myself to wash. Every touch was only adding the fact that I needed a release. This was so ridiculous.

I knew that Jasper wanted me too. So the fact that he was playing hard to get, or maybe it was more that he was playing the gentlemen, was making me question everything. Whatever the reason was, if Jasper was not going to make the next move, then I sure and the hell was going to.

God, I sounded like such a slut, but I could not help it. A girl has needs, needs that had not being met.

I could do this…right?

I turned on the cold water and let it fall over me, rinsing away not only the soap, but some of my tension. I never would have imagined that vampire could get over heated, but that was what I was right about now.

Shutting off the water, I stepped out into the bathroom staring at myself in the mirror. Any insecurities I have about my body had left me when I was changed. My body was flawless.

That was not what I was worried about though. I didn't have to worry about what my body looked like, but I sure and the hell had to worry about the fact that I had no idea what to do with it.

I stood there staring into the mirror, panic and desperation finally over taking every other thought and emotion. What was I thinking? There was no way I could pull this off. Seriously….me seducing Jasper that just sounded ridiculous. I knew it would take more then putting on some lingerie I thought embarrassed just by looking at the barely there stripes of red fabric staring back at me, mocking me.

God, it was times like this that I really wished I had someone to talk to about this kind of stuff…other then Emmett.

My parents…both of them had been well, parents. Renee was the first to have 'the talk' with me. I would have been far better off with her just handing me a book. And Charlie had not gotten out even three words to me before he looked like he was going to die of embarrassment. He looked like I had turned the oxygen back on when I released him from his duty by telling him 'Renee already had the talk with me.'

Who else did I have to talk about this with? No one. I could never go to Carlisle or Esme since they were more like parents then my own.

That left Rose and Emmett.

I already knew how well trying to talk to Emmett about this had gone. In general, it was impossible to have a serious conversation with him, let alone about sex. Plus, he really didn't handle the idea of me being sexual.

I figured the only reason that Emmett was not here laying between me and Jasper, was he was more concerned about getting his then he was about me getting mine.

And Rosalie….I could not begin to imagine her reaction to me seeking out sex advice from her. Then again, she had been alright about taking me shopping. Sure, it had all been for Jasper, but this affected Jasper too. Just maybe….

I couldn't believe I was about to do this I thought as I dialed Rosalie's number. I had to be desperate.

"This better be good," she huffed into the phone sounding out of breath. I did not want to know what I had interrupted.

"I'm sorry Rosalie…I really am. It is just I don't have anyone else to turn to. Trust me; you would be the last person that I would call. It is just I'm standing in the bathroom wrapped in a towel staring at that stupid lingerie I got today, and I can't put it on. I can't go out there and face Jasper. You don't understand, I want for this to be perfect, but I have no fucking idea what I'm doing. I was about to attack that boy, and he seemed to be somewhere between uncomfortable and bored. What if I go out there and he is repulsed by me? Or he laughs at me?" I questioned feeling like I was about to break down just thinking about Jasper not wanting me.

"Stay right where you are, and I'll be right there," Rosalie told me after a long silence followed by Emmett screaming, "Are you kidding me? We are in the middle of something."

"Nothing important," Rosalie threw back.

"Rosalie, if you are occupied don't worry about me. I am just freaking out and overreacting. I mean, does it even matter anyways? This whole night is one big freaking disaster. Jasper can hear everything I am saying. He can feel everything that I am feeling," I told her thinking I was ridiculous. I had ruined the whole night. I would rather face spending the night with Rosalie then a night with Jasper at this point. "I know you don't like me, and you are probably in your glory over me coming to you, but can you please take pity on me and let me stay with you tonight? I am just too embarrassed to face Jasper right now," I said thinking at this point I might never face him again.

"You can't hide from Jasper…he won't let you, for one and for two, he is way more understanding then you give him credit for."

"It is not about him understanding. It is about me being a pathetic idiot. I planned on seducing Jasper tonight and what am I doing now….hiding in the bathroom," I said thinking if I could cry, I would. This was just too much. I don't know what I was thinking. Not only had I ruined this whole night with Jasper, but I had called Rosalie to fill her in on all the gory details. I was never going to live this down.

"Open the door," Rosalie said.

"What?"

"I am standing outside of it so open it now," she huffed.

"Jasper is out there."

"No, he isn't. I sent him to keep Emmett company," Rosalie explained to me.

I tucked the towel tighter around me and slowly open the door. Standing there was Rosalie looking somewhere between amused and pissed off.

"Take a seat," she ordered sitting on the end of the bed. I took a seat in the chair across from her not daring not to.

"Jasper is panicking about your little melt down in the bathroom. He thinks it is his fault, and I assured him that he was right."

"It is not his fault…well not really," I told her defending Jasper. It was not his fault that he didn't want me as much as I wanted him. It was not his fault that I was irrational.

"Yes, it was. It is always their fault. That is rule number one. Rule number two, is honesty. No matter what it is concerning, the best thing you can do is be open and honest. I learned that the hard way, so trust me. What you need to do is talk to Jasper about what you are feeling and what you want. He can't read your mind. He can't even read your emotions if you don't want him to. Which means if you want him to lick every single inch of you and then fuck you until you can't breathe, then tell him that," she bluntly told me. I knew I was blushing fire engine red on the inside as I felt like I was burning.

"If you can't talk to him about sex, Bella, then you are not ready to be having it. If you are worried about him not wanting you, don't. Men never turn it down. If he seemed hesitant, it was probably because he was worried about what you were thinking and feeling. See how that open and honest thing would have taken care of both of your worries?"

"I agree with you, and I will be honest from now on with Jasper. I am just not use to having someone I can confide everything into, especially on a subject like sex."

"Jasper is not, nor ever will be, Uptightward."

"That is what I am worried about."

"What?"

"No…it is just that with Edward, he was as inexperienced as I was, and I never had to worry about being in way over my head. All I ever worried about was him rejecting me…which happened every time I pushed for something more then a kiss. Rejection is a hard pill to sallow, especially coming from someone you want so much. I could handle it from Edward, but not from Jasper. So when he seemed uninterested, I freaked."

"Seriously… Is that what you really think? Because you are wrong. I have never seen Jasper more interested, and I am talking about something more then sex. He is completely in love with you."

"He is?"

"Duh!"

"I love him too."

"I know this now, but I wasn't so sure," Rosalie informed me and then added. "I mean, it was not that long ago that you were insanely in love with Edward."

"I…it…" I struggled trying to explain my feelings concerning Edward.

"No, you don't have to explain to me. I knew from day one that you and Edward were not meant to be together. Why do you think I was always so against you being together? It was not love that you were experiencing, it was more like infatuation. But you can't be blamed for that. We can be pretty persuasive when we want to be, and there is nothing you can do to stop it from happening. Edward was determined to possess you. It was only about control with him. He never loved you, but Jasper does. And I am finally seeing that you love him too. Which means I am not going allow you to fuck this up," Rosalie informed me firmly. "Where are your clothes?"

"In the bags over there," I told her.

Seconds later, she came back throwing me a pair of yoga pants and a tank top. I stared at them for a second before staring back questioningly at Rosalie.

"Jasper loves you, not a skewed version of you. There will be a time and a place for sexy red panties, trust me. After a few decades, you find you need to spice it up a bit. Now go get dressed, and then I will help you with your hair," she ordered. I couldn't help but smile at her as I disappeared back into the bathroom.

Ten minutes later and dressed comfortably, Rosalie had brushed my hair until it gleamed in perfection, hanging in long waves down my back.

"I'll be right back okay?" Rosalie said and was gone before I could answer, only to return seconds later carrying a bottle of nail polish.

Oh shit. I think I just created a monster. If she thought for one minute that I was going to let her use me as a dress up doll the way Alice had, she was out of her mind.

"I see that look. I am not Alice, and I have way better things to do then play dress up with you. In case you forgot, you are the one that called me begging for help. Something that I am not about to forget. Now, just so you know, if you want to use red to stimulate Jasper, it can be done with something other then lingerie," she explained to me starting to paint my toe nails in fire engine red. "Now, I don't think that Jasper has the kind of foot fetish that Emmett does but…"

"TMI!"

"You are going to learn that in this family there is no such thing. Alright, I'm all done. So, are you ready for me to send Jasper back over here, or would you like to hear more about Emmett and my sex life?"

"Jasper, please send Jasper back," I told her thinking that Rosalie wasn't nearly as bad as I always thought. "Rosalie, thanks for…well, thanks for being here for me when I needed someone."

"What are sisters for?" she simply said adding. "Rose, my family calls me Rose."

"Thanks, Rose."


	38. Chapter 38

I just want to thank everyone for all the love and support. I know that the updates have not been as quick as I would like but I'm having some writers block on this story. Hopefully it will pass. Thanks for hanging in with me. This story as reached 1000+ reviews which is beyond amazing. It had been added to C2 Jasper/Bella Over 1000

So check it there as well as all the other great stories. Also thanks to my great beta for the hard work.

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being? – Oscar Wilde

Chapter Thirty-Eight

**JASPER'S POV**

I knew from the beginning this whole date night thing was going to be one big disaster. This was the last thing we should have been doing, and with the last people too. From Emmett, with his inappropriate comments and conversations, to Rose's choice of location, it had been a total nightmare.

But the date with Rose and Emmett was not the real problem - they were just annoying. The core of all this was Bella: she wasn't ready to be intimate. I wasn't even sure she was ready to even be in a relationship. I thought that she was, but clearly I had been wrong. People who were ready did not lock themselves in the bathroom. It was so bad that she had even called Rose over to help her.

"What did you do to her?" Emmett demanded the second that I walked into the room. He was pissed and ready to rip my head off. I knew part of it was due to what he assumed I had done to Bella, but what I had interrupted between him and Rose probably didn't help. I wasn't quite sure what had him more upset.

"I didn't do anything to her, not that it is any of your business," I snapped at him.

"I don't believe you."

"I don't care what you believe," I told him, pacing around the room, ready to come out of my skin thinking about what was going on with Bella and Rose. Whatever it was, Rose better be on her best behavior, because if I found out that she distressed Bella anymore then she already was, I was going to do something to her. Something bad. I was too worried right now to think of what, but I would get to that later.

"Tell me you didn't try some freaky sex shit with her and scar her for the rest of her life." Emmett accused.

"The word sex did not even come up. I didn't even touch her."

"Well there was the problem," he huffed, shaking his head like a disapproving father. "You made her feel rejected. She was all into you, wanting to get her groove on, and you just left her hanging.

I didn't think I needed to have a talk with you. I thought you were more suave than that.

Jasper, women like to feel wanted. You have to talk sweet to them. You have to caress them and whisper pretty little words in their ears. You got to get them in the mood before you start bringing on the freak," he explained, schooling me on the finer art of sex according to Emmett.

"Emmett, just so you know, I know what I am doing. Besides, all I need to do is throw a strong dose of lust at any given girl and I can make her come without touching her," I explained to him, feeling like I needed to defend my sexual abilities.

"That is wrong dude. That is like slipping them an emotional roofie," he scolded, but his eyes were lit up like a Christmas tree. "Can you do that to anyone or is it just women?"

"Fuck off, you sick fucker."

"I was just wondering."

"Well stop, or I will have you on the ground, crying, sucking your thumb, for the rest of the night. And go put some damn clothes on," I ordered. Seriously, did he not have any shame? He was standing before me wearing red thong panties, Rose's red thong panties.

"What? I grabbed the first thing I could find when you came storming in here. Just because you aren't getting any, don't hate on me."

"It has nothing to do with not getting any. I'm worried about Bella. I'm worried that she thinks that I expect certain things from her, and I don't. At least not until she is ready," I said, thinking I just needed to get over there and talk to her about all this.

"Miss me?" Rose asked, slipping into the room. She had a shit-eating grin on her face, and was feeling way too proud of herself.

"Where is Bella? Is she okay?" I asked, about to ask fifty more questions before Rose put up her hand to stop me.

"She is in the room and she is fine. I going to head back and paint her nails. Give me ten more minutes and then you can go back," she said, grabbing a bottle and heading back out.

"Those two have bonded, which is fucking awesome. Now Rosie can paint her nails and do her hair and take her shopping and leave me the fuck alone. Ever since she got pissed off at Alice, I have been tortured. All the stupid girl shit she normally did with Alice, she was forcing me to do. This is like the best day ever," Emmett announced, dancing around the room, still wearing Rose's panties.

I didn't even want to know but I found that I had to look. Yep, Emmett's toe nails were painted, black.

I took out my phone and snapped a picture.

"Dude, what did you do?"

"Just took a little picture of you in Rose's underwear, dancing with painted nails."

"So? They are black, which is no fucking big deal. It's not like they are pink. Dudes do that these days and it means nothing. It is a fashion thing and you would know that if you kept up on the latest trends and shit."

"So you wouldn't have a problem with me sending this to everyone, or, even better, posting it on the web?"

"You won't."

"I would, so remember that the next time you think about pissing me off."

"You really do need to get laid, because, dude, you are just mean and bitter."

Emmett was so fucking lucky Rose came in at that moment announcing Bella was all mine. That was all I needed to hear as I flew out of the room and back to ours.

Bella was quietly sitting on the bed, staring off into space. She turned towards me once I was in the room. If my heart wasn't dead already, it would have stopped in that moment waiting for some reaction out of her. She was wrapped in her shield, so her emotions were blank to me. But then she flashed me a small smile, and that was all I needed.

I was on the bed holding her before she could stop me.

'I am so sorry, darling. This is all my fault," I told her, taking the blame for everything.

"No, it isn't. I freaked and it had nothing to do with you. Well, not really," she told me, fiddling with the edge of my shirt. "It was just that my nerves got the best of me.

I wanted tonight to be perfect. I wanted you to want me. I have this red lingerie thing that I was going to wear but then I just couldn't put it on because I was embarrassed. All I could think was you were going to laugh at me. And what would have happened if I threw myself at you and you turned me down."

"That is one thing you never have to worry about," I smiled, reassuring her as I reached out to run my finger over her ear, placing lose strands of her silky hair behind it. Her unnecessary breathing picked up.

"You say that now, you may even believe that, but my body repels vampires."

"Now you are just being silly," I told her.

"Silly?" she questioned with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, silly! You don't repel me. Not even close. In fact, it's quite the opposite.

I want you Bella. I want you now and forever. Do you want me, Bella?" I whispered in her ear. I felt her answer before I heard it.

"Yes," she whispered, swallowing the pool of venom starting to form in her mouth.

"What do you want from me?" I asked, retracing the path my finger had taken with my tongue.

I felt the fabric of my shirt rip where she had been fussing with it. I couldn't help but smile as I pressed a small kiss to the side of her neck.

"I asked you what you want from me," I questioned again when she didn't answer me. I knew she was expecting me to continue on my own, taking the lead.

"I want you to kiss me," she whispered, leaning in towards me, taking the first step forward, not only with her words, but her actions.

I bent in and touched her lips to mine. It could barely be called a kiss, but I wanted to let her know that this was all in her hands. We would go as fast and hard as she wanted, or as slow and gentle.

"What do you want me to do now?" I questioned, wondering if I was prepared if she took the slow route.

"I want you to REALLY kiss me."

I smiled as I deepened the kiss. She didn't wait for me to ask what she wanted next as she balled up my shirt in her hand pulling me closer. The small rip turned into a huge one, which seemed to only spur her on, and she ripped the shirt completely off of me, never breaking the kiss.

I couldn't tell you how long the kissing went on between us. The whole time I let Bella take the lead, even when I wanted to deepen the kisses, I held back, until I couldn't take it anymore.

"What do you want me to do next?" I breathed over her, staring down into her lust filled eyes. I could imagine that my eyes reflected hers, and all we had been doing was kissing. Amazingly, besides for my shirt, we were both still fully clothed. My hands hadn't even ventured pass her neck.

"Touch me…." she whispered, her voice harsh and dry from kissing.

"Where?" I lazily asked as if I had all the time in the world. As if my mind wasn't going haywire thinking about touching her body. As if one touch from her wouldn't send me over the edge.

"Everywhere," she requested through closed eyes, as if she couldn't look me in the eyes and say the same thing.

"Clothes on, or clothes off?" I questioned, pushing her farther and farther. I wanted her to know we were going to do whatever she wanted, however she wanted, but also letting her know what I wanted.

She hesitated for a moment, thinking about her choice. I could feel her desire, smell her arousal. She wanted me, all of me, and I would sure as hell give it to her, but not until she asked me to.

"Off."

"Good answer," I told her, smirking down at her. She lifted herself up to pull off her top. She paused, waiting for my reaction, as if she wasn't completely sure that I wouldn't be repelled by her.

She was amazingly beautiful. How she could ever think that I could find her anything other than gorgeous was ridiculous.

Her breasts were perfection, not too small, not too big. They were the perfect size to fill my hands, wrapping my long fingers around each full peak as my thumbs swept over her hard puckered nipples.

Her skin was like soft, sweet cream that I wanted to lap up.

"Jasper?"

"I was just appreciating the view," I told her, bending down to take her nipple into my mouth. She moaned. It was the sweetest sound I had ever heard. I set out to make her do it over and over. So once I had lavished her breasts, I moved lower, trailing kisses all the way down her stomach. Once I reached the top of her pants, I didn't hesitate for a second as I stripped them off of her.

"Jasper…" Bella moaned. I knew what she wanted, but I was not going to give it to her until she asked me to.

"What do you need Bella?"

"I need you."

"You need me to what?"

"I need you to touch me."

"Touch you where?"

"You know."

"Tell me."

Instead of saying it, she grabbed my hand and guided it between her legs.

"You're so wet for me," I told her as she withered beneath me.

"Please…"

"I know, baby."

It didn't take long before she was writhing and screaming out my name, and when she was in the middle of her release, I slipped slowly inside of her.

"JAASSPPEER….." Bella screamed. It only spurred me on, quickening my pace. I wanted to take it slow, I wanted to make it last, but feeling Bella wrapped tightly around me was too much, and I knew I was going to explode soon.

I bent down and took her mouth hungrily, sending out everything I was feeling. It was just what she needed to finally fall over the edge again. I went with her.

"Bella, Bella baby…." I whispered over her, still deep inside of her. I didn't ever want to move.

"Let's do that again," she breathed, smiling up at me.

"I think I have created a monster," I smiled back, claiming her lips. "Seriously, Bella are you okay?"

"Jasper, I'm a vampire, remember?"

"I know physically you are fine, but I mean, after, you know…"

"You mean after my mental breakdown…I am perfect now. And as long as I have you, everything will be perfect."


	39. Chapter 39

Control is never achieved when sought after directly. It is the surprising outcome of letting go – James Arthur Ray

Chapter Thirty Nine

**JASPER'S POV**

I didn't want to leave the hotel the next morning, didn't want to go back to the house, didn't want to deal with what came next. I just wanted to hide in the little world that we had created together. But I knew that couldn't happen. Not yet, anyway. We had things we had to deal with first.

Edward and Alice was still gone to who knew where, doing who knew what, and something told me that, whatever it was, it was going to come back to bite us.

I knew that Edward had no intention of letting Bella go; I was sure he was plotting and planning ways to get her back, using any means, not caring who he hurt, and that included Bella.

Alice was thinking of ways to destroy Bella, and maybe all of us. She was turning out to be one evil little bitch. After all the years I had spent with her, I wondered how I had never seen the darkness she harbored inside of her. As they say, love is blind. It was also stupid.

The main issue, however, that I was not looking forward to dealing with was explaining Bella's death. Carlisle had come up with an idea, but I had no idea what it was, and something told me I was not going to like it much. But what choice did I have? Charlie was like a rabid dog going after a bone; he was never going to give up without closure, and Bella would never be at peace without giving it to him.

As much as I wasn't looking forward to this issue, I would do anything to make Bella happy.

"You're very quiet this morning," Bella said when we were almost home.

"Just thinking about some things," I told her, trying to force a smile on my face. It wasn't as easy as it should be, not after what we had shared last night. I should be grinning ear to ear and floating on a cloud, but I wasn't, and for that, I wanted to dismember a few members of the family.

"From the frown on your face, I can tell that it's nothing good. I hope it's nothing to do with last night," she softly said, staring down into her lap.

"Of course not, darlin'," I assured, reaching over to take her hand into mine. "I was just thinking about what lies ahead for us."

"Canada?" she asked hopefully, with a small smile. At least one of us had their head in the right place. We should be heading for the border and forgetting about everything else, but I was never one for letting things go.

"Eventually, but first we have some unpleasant things to take care of."

"Charlie."

"Edward and Alice."

"I thought they left," she questioned, not with fear, but concern.

"They have, but they will be back, and I doubt some distance will have changed anything. I just have a bad feeling that what happened with the two of them was the calm before the storm."

"I'm not worried. As long as I have you beside me, I know everything will be just fine."

I wanted to believe that was all it would take to make everything alright, but experience told me it was going to take more then that.

When we finally got home, Carlisle and Esme weren't there. Rose and Emmett had returned earlier, and Emmett was trying to destroy something in a video game while Rose flipped lazily through some fashion magazine.

"I didn't think you guys were ever going to get home. Come on Bella, play with me," Emmett demanded in a grating whining voice.

"She has better things to do then play with you," I told him, having no patience for Emmett today.

"What? Like playing with you?" Emmett laughed, though it wasn't funny. "From what I heard, she already did that last night. It's my turn now."

The words were barely out of his mouth before Rose smacked him on the back of the head; Bella's cuff landed only a second later.

"Bitches!" he hollered, rubbing the back of his head. I was seriously starting to wonder if all the slaps were causing brain damage. Any one who knew Emmett would find it hard to discredit that theory.

"What did you just say?" Rose hissed, her hand just twitching to slap him again.

"Bella, you use to be so sweet and nice, and then you start hanging out with my shrew of a wife. And just like that, you head to the dark side," Emmett bravely, or stupidly, said.

"Oh, you are going to wish that the only thing I did to you was smack the back of your head," she informed, launching herself at him. Emmett moved just in time, and Rose hit the couch running. And so the chase began.

Emmett clearly was viewing this as a game and/or foreplay, and was laughing and taunting Rose. I could feel her anger increase at a steady rate, and all I could do was shake my head, and hope for Emmett's sake that she left him in enough pieces to fuse back together.

"Come on, let's go upstairs and wait for Carlisle to get home."

Bella followed behind me, laughing all the time at Emmett and Rose, who were destroying the house.

"Esme is going to kill them," she said as we closed the door to the bedroom. Of course, it looked like nothing had happened in there. The room was painted a smoky grey, with all new dark wood furniture, soft white bedding and lots of fluffy pillows. There was also a new comfortable-looking oversized chair with a reading light.

"I think she secretly likes it when we destroy the house. That's when she can redecorate," I told her, bouncing on the bed to check the firmness. Perfect.

"Well, with Emmett around, she'll never be bored."

"At least he's good for something."

"We all have our own special talents."

"I have a few."

"I wasn't talking about your ability to control people's emotions. I was talking about those little things that make us, us."

"I wasn't talking about controlling emotions either. I have quite a few special abilities... I showed you a few last night," I told her, feeling her lust spike as her mind went to the many things I had done to her.

"There's more?" she whispered with a gulp.

"Oh, baby, you haven't seen anything yet," I smirked, pulling her down on top of me.

"Jasper, we can't. Emmett and Rose will hear us."

"You're going to have to get over that, fast. That, or learn to be quiet," I told her, kissing her deeply. She moaned.

"So much for staying quiet," I teased.

"Let's see how quiet you can be," she challenged, raising herself up until she was straddling me. She slowly started grinding herself on me. I bit the inside of my mouth to stop the moaning. Fuck, I sure loved a good challenge.

I closed my eyes and focused on being silent as she continued to rub herself up and down over my hard shaft, which was getting harder and harder by the minute.

If I didn't get a release, at least from my jeans, I was going to explode, and it seemed that that was what Bella was aiming for. Instead of unsnapping my jeans, she went to the buttons of my shirt and began to slowly undo them. She carefully parted the flannel, and I waited for her to touch me. Instead, she just stared at me for the longest time.

When she finally did touch me, it was butterfly touches ghosting over my chest, around my nipples, moving down until her fingers lingered right above the snap of my jeans. I tried to will her open it, but she was serious about torturing me. She moved back up my chest, this time kissing me softly as she went, all the while rubbing herself up and down my ever-increasing hardness.

I licked my lips in anticipation of her finally kissing me, but instead she sat back up and started to unbutton her own shirt. Unlike the slow torment that she used on me, she had her shirt and bra off in a second.

"No touching, no talking," she scolded when my hands went up to touch her. I let my hands fall in defeat, and was rewarded with her touching herself instead.

The sight of her caressing her own breasts was almost too much for me to take; I was seconds away from exploding in my pants. Her little game had been fun, but now it was time to show her who was really in charge.

In a second, I had her flipped and under me. It only took another second to remove both her jeans and panties and my jeans. Hovering right at her entrance, I stared down at her, only to see an evil smirk on her face.

"What are you grinning about?" I had to ask.

"You thinking that you are in charge," she said. As the words were leaving her mouth, she once again had me flipped over, straddling me. "I own you, Whitlock," Bella informed me as she slid down on my throbbing cock.

"Fuck!" I yelled out.

She just smirked that evil grin again as she slowly raised herself off me until only my tip was in. Then she slid down once again, encasing me completely. She continued this slow torture, over and over, again and again, until she had me begging.

"Faster Bella," I moaned.

"Say it."

"No."

She stopped completely.

"Say it."

"Please."

"So polite, Mr. Whitlock, but that is not what I am looking for," she purred, still not moving.

I stared up at her, trying to rake my foggy brain for what it was that she was looking for me to say, and then it hit me. Evil... She was evil and I loved her.

"You own me, Bella. You fucking own me," I conceded. That seemed to be just what she wanted to hear.

She began to move again, her pace much faster than before, and I could feel that she was right on the edge of losing herself. I tried to wait for her, but I just couldn't. I exploded, and a second later, Bella came with me.

We laid together for awhile, her on top of me, me stroking her hair. It was only when I heard Carlisle and Esme come home that I moved.

"Shower with me, and then I need to go talk to Carlisle."

"You mean to say that, after we shower, _we _are going to go talk to Carlisle."

"Where did this Bella come from?"

"I don't know. I think she was always there, but something set her free."

"You mean someone," I smirked.

"Stop thinking so much of yourself. Remember, I own you."

"I'll never admit that to anyone else."

"We'll both know, and that's all that matters."

"We know too," Emmett shouted from somewhere across the house. Bella doubled over laughing.

"I'll make you pay for this," I told her, chasing her into the bathroom.

I tried for a repeat in the shower, but she was having none of it. I wasn't sure if it was because she was worried about Carlisle and Esme hearing us, or if she was just was in a hurry to talk to him about what was happening next.

We found Carlisle in his normal spot: his office. Esme was downstairs, scolding Emmett for breaking numerous pieces of furniture.

"What about Rose? She did it too."

"Emmett, are you really trying to blame all this on your wife?"

"Yeah. She was the one chasing me all over the house, trying to beat the crap out of me. You should be consoling me. I'm wounded."

"Please, Emmett."

Bella and I just smiled at each other, probably thinking the same thing: payback.

"Welcome back," Carlisle said before we could say anything.

"Thank you," Bella replied.

"I take it the night away was a much-needed trip?"

"Very much, but now that we are back, we are anxious to move on with our lives, and that means taking care of Charlie."

"Jasper!"

"You know what I mean Bella."

"I know what you mean, and I have given this a lot of thought, and come up with what I think is that only thing that is going to convince Charlie that Bella is dead," Carlisle paused for a moment. "Bella body is going to have to be found."


End file.
